Learning to Survive: Surviving Through Hurt and Pain

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through Hurt and Pain: How do you get past the hurt and the pain and forgive?

Surviving Through Hurt and Pain

Photo Courtesy of Evy and Bitstrip

Well readers its been a long time. I have had a whole lot of healing to do. I do not think I have healed all that much though. I have been going to counseling and man is it a great help. My counselor is amazing and I am so grateful for her. She has told me that my kids and I have made wonderful strides in our healing. At first I was happy to hear that. I was like well check me out just shy of 4 months and I am healing wonderfully! Go Me! Go Me!! Well readers take my advice on this. Never think you are beyond getting hurt still. Yesterday I went to church and it was a service all about healing. I may not have agreed with the entire sermon because while I go to this church because it provides amazing socialization for my children the doctrine and Theology is not always what I agree with. I am however learning why certain things have come about in the thinking of some of my loved ones because of yesterday's sermon. I don't think their thinking is completely wrong I just believe it is a tad on the radical side and while I am all for being radical for God when you add other things you are going to go over board on being radical that I have to disagree with. But I digressed as I tend to do. At the end of the service their was an alter call. Not the typical if you want to invite Jesus into your life alter call but the come and get prayed for in your healing. My niece and sister convinced me to go forward, I am not one that likes to go up to the front, and when one of the ladies came to pray for me she asked what I needed healing for. I told her I had cancer. She prayed for me.

While she prayed for me over the cancer I prayed for my heart. I prayed for healing of my heart. I wanted and have desperately needed to have my heart healed. I cried and cried and asked God please God please heal my heart. I wanted him to ask for forgiveness. Readers be careful what you ask God for cause He will give it to you. I had a hard day yesterday. I dealt with a family situation that escalated out of control and while I love and adore my family deeply it hurt to see my children sad over a situation that should never have escalated like it did. Then I went to dinner at my sisters house. I love going there. I am always at peace when I am there. While we sat in the living room watching a movie after dinner my ex texts. He is ready to finally talk. 

We talked about everything from what our plans are for our income tax returns to the divorce and even his vistiation and communication with the kids. We talked, we talked, we talked. He even asked that the kids and I forgive him because while he knows that he is happy in his new life he knows he went about it the wrong way. I want to forgive him. Really I do. I asked God for him to admit he did wrong and ask for forgiveness and now that he did my heart wont let me forgive. I hate this! I feel like I am disappointing God because He kept up with his part and I couldn't. 

I am in a place in my heart that I feel like I can not escape. I want to forgive I want to be the person who can look past this but I can not. Why can't I? I depend on God and He has helped me so much so why can I not give it up to him now?

Photo Courtesy of Evy and Bitstrip

"For the word of the Lord is right and true;

    he is faithful in all he does.
The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
    the earth is full of his unfailing love." Psalm 33: 4-5 NIV.

I need to be able to see that God has kept up with his end of the bargain and I have to keep up with mine. But how do you forgive when your heart hurts so much? I am past the anger but the hurt and pain I am not past. I am struggling so much in my heart. I struggle with the fact that I gave myself and my heart, my life to someone else to not only have it all thrown to the waste side but to be replaced and be ok with this. I want my life back. I thought I was beginning to get it back but I am not. I am still struggling. Pray for me readers. Pray that I can forgive, I can get past the pain and the hurt to get my life back.

And As Always Readers......

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surviving Single Motherhood

Learning to Survive: Surviving Single Motherhood: Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez OK readers aren’t my babies the most adorable kids ever? Well as you all know I am going thro...

Surviving Single Motherhood

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

OK readers aren’t my babies the most adorable kids ever? Well as you all know I am going through a divorce right now. Actually I am separated because so far no divorce has been filed and well I am perfectly fine with that. I am in absolutely no rush to be honest. But this impending divorce does have me now raising these three treasures as a single mom.  Well I adore my kids and so being a single mom is hard but it is worth it to have my kids. I think of my ex husband and feel bad for him really because I get to be with these guys every day. I wake up to them, I go to bed after saying good night to them, I talk with them everyday, I play with them everyday, and I get to just be with them everyday!

But its hard I wont lie. I mean everyday its me. I have a great support system in my parents, in my sisters, my brother in laws, my nieces and nephews but I am mom. I am the one that is ultimately responsible for the well being of these kids, I am the one who is responsible for making them into model citizens and good Christians. I am the one to wipe away the tears, lift them back up when they are down, I am their biggest cheerleader, and I am the one who has to well break the news to them when things might not go their way or the way they wanted things to go.

I am mom. I want to be their friend but that is not what God has called me to do. He entrusted me these three beautiful, smart, strong and even silly kids in my care to raise them to know Him and know about Him and speak to others about Him. I am the one who one day will stand before God and be accountable for what I did in their lives. Did I instruct them properly? Did I guide and love them? Did I do right by them?

Being a single mom is not easy. I never fully understood all that it entailed. There are days when I want to be selfish and think about me and me alone but I cant. I have to ALWAYS put them first. I have to be the one who is the bad guy and tell them they can not have something they want or do something they really want to do. I am the one who has to discipline them when they act the fool in public or even in private. I am the one who has to be the parent, not just the mom but the mom and the dad too. When I was with my ex I could say: Wait for your father to come home, or say go ask your father, or even tell him go deal with your kids before I have a full on nervous breakdown. I had a cushion to lean on. Now I am the one to do it all. Just this past week the kids were blessed with tickets to go to Disney World and to Universal Studios. It was a great thing for them but they left without doing chores, without taking care of their school work, without taking care of their responsibility of their dogs and mom here had to go nuts trying to get my school work done, get my things situated and try to even take care of all three dogs in the process. I had to lay down boundaries and ground rules. I hated that I had to do it but I feel good about my mothering skills that I did it. I can not always be the good guy and there will probably be days my kids would prefer their dad over me because I am the one here and placing all the rules on them and he will seem like the better parent because as Queen Latifah said in my favorite movie: "Its easy not to make mistakes when you are not around".

My kids are homeschooling this year. Next year we place them in an actual brick and mortar school because it is what they truly desire but with them homeschooling things might be easier in some respects for me. One I am not having to be the mom taxi to all three of them and their activities. I am not the one trying to juggle on Open House day which child’s teacher I meet and which one I do not even get to because there is not enough time for it. I am not the one having to pay $300 for an activity that they want to do. But with homeschooling we are together 24/7 and there is a lot that goes into that. I mean moms we need our time away. We need to unwind in order to not be overly stressed and dealing with so much problems. We need me time! Me time does not seem to exist very well when you home school, when you are a single parent, and especially when you have three larger than life personalities who all want your attention especially when you go into that glorious shower and even at the age of 14, 12 and almost 11 they are knocking on the door asking you questions.

But all in all I am happy I get to be the one they are with. I love my children. I love how funny they are. I mean look at this picture, they are hilarious! I love how smart they are. Just today my son asked for help in his Bible class. He had to read Genesis 13 and answer some questions on it. He struggles still with reading and comprehension and so to help I read to him aloud the chapter after he tried it and asked him the questions on it. Can you believe his memory? He was able to quote back the Bible to me and I was the one holding it not him! I love that their individual personalities are forming and my oldest she is a smart, sarcastic, brilliant and even caring soul. She loves and loves passionately cosplaying and can become a character that is nothing like her real self and be outstanding. My middle one is hilarious! She can come up with jokes faster than anyone I know. She is descriptive in getting her point across and she is fabulous in her fashion sense. She has lost a bit of her confidence throughout this divorce but I pray through the counseling she gains it back. My son is amazing. For a kid who has battled with being different all his life he is intelligent. He was diagnosed at the age of  7 with ADHD and now just this past year we found out that he also has a high functioning autism. Some look at him and say he is not autistic and that gets me mad. What does autism look like to begin with? Why is it such a bad thing that I tell you my son has autism? I am not going to let that diagnosis define him but I need to learn how to help him through it. He can memorize anything especially if it is about the Bible. He is funny too. He is energetic but that of course is his superpower from God. He is caring and sweet.

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6ESV. My job as a mother, even if it is a single mother, is to train and raise my kids up right in the Lord. Teach them to be good, to be courageous for God, to be strong in His power and His might. If I do my job right than I will be right in the eyes of God. I teach my kids to love. To not judge and sometimes I get criticism on that from believe it or not believers themselves. God said that we are not to judge others but to love them as He loves them. I have taught my kids to love others no matter their race, their age, their sex, or even their sexual orientation. For this last one is where I get the criticism but God loves everyone. God sent his only Son to die for our sins and yet we like to judge others for their sin when we sometimes need to look in a mirror and see the sin that is in us. There is no one sin that is greater to God than another and so if I were to tell a lie it is not any worse than someones sin of sexual promiscuity and this where I teach my kids not to judge others but to treat others with the same love and respect we are shown from our God. But I went off on a tangent there and maybe, just maybe I can do a blog post about that topic another day.

Readers thanks for coming along in my journey with me today and as always readers…

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Survivng With The Doctor

Learning to Survive: Survivng With The Doctor: Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez and Doctor Who is Owned by the BBC Network First and foremost can I brag a bit here? I mean readers ch...

Survivng With The Doctor

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez and Doctor Who is Owned by the BBC Network

First and foremost can I brag a bit here? I mean readers check this out my daughter drew this for me! Isn't she just amazing?! OK so this picture is of me! To the top left hand side is the 11th Doctor (Matt Smith) and then in the middle is the 10th Doctor (David Tennant) and then the 9th Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) and the T.A.R.D.I.S. which is the time machine the Doctor travels in and the acronym stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space! Oh and lastly the shirt I am wearing in the picture says I heart heart The Doctor because the Doctor is an alien from the planet Gallifrey and therefore he has two hearts! OK that was my mini Whovian lesson for you all readers.

So why is this post titled Surviving with The Doctor? Well readers I am a huge fan of the show and I began to love it more and more especially the last time I was going through chemo. You see with Doctor Who I could sit there with my kids and watch a show where good always triumphs over evil. You see I was in a dark place and to be 100% honest with you all because I have given myself the disclosure that if I am going to do this blog I am going to be 100% open and honest in what I share I am still in a dark place and its good to have something you can watch and it reminds you that well you know what good does win over evil.

When I went through chemo the first time I did not have my ex with me. I did chose to make the conscience effort to send him off on deployment and yes I got many a weird look and many an argument by those who love me telling me to ask him to come home but I stuck to my guns and had him stay in Kuwait instead. You see the deployment was not a dangerous one for him. I justified it to myself that it was better he ride this deployment through instead of coming home to be with me and then once I was better having him deploy somewhere dangerous like Afghanistan. Well I think somehow God knew it better for him to be over there too because he kept me strong in sending him when truth be told there were days he was all I wanted. But if he would have come home trust me my marriage would have been over sooner. You see it was a difficult journey and he would have just left sooner I believe. I was also in a dark place because I did not have my mom, my dad, my sisters to take care of me. They were after all in Orlando while I was in El Paso. I had an amazing support group of women and church friends who took care of me but they were not my biological family and I make it a point to mention biological because they did become family none the less. Now I am undergoing chemo again and yet I am in a dark place AGAIN. This time I am without my husband again because he chose to be away this time and permanently, this time my finances are a mess because due to the impending divorce I had to leave my job, I am dealing with hearing they are planning to get married even though, even though we are still legally married, I miss my friends who became my family, I miss having my own home and doing things my own way, I miss alone time because the three kids and I share two bedrooms so therefore I do not even get my own room as a grown woman. I am just in a dark place.

In the show Doctor Who the Doctor faces one faithful foe (he has many but the one faithful foe he has that constantly comes back into the picture) and they are the Daleks. For my readers who do not know what a Dalek is picture a very large, very angry R2D2. These Daleks are just hate rolled up into a massive metal encasement. The Daleks would be my ex right now. You see I chose to have NO contact with him, none whatsoever, but every time I am out and about making my life my own and trying to be happy I get a text message from him. It is always one of picking a fight. ALWAYS. He says hateful things that make me wonder why? What could I have done to make him hate me so much? I stood by for 14 years, many moves, many financial hardships, deployments, and even a previous infidelity and yet he makes me, or correction he tries to make me feel like well I am a terrible person and someone so horrible to be married to or even associated to. I cannot understand why. The Daleks have this saying they say constantly, incessantly and annoyingly so and it is "EXTERMINATE" and they in the show want to exterminate the Doctor and the human race which he loves so much. My ex and his new fiancee want to seem to exterminate my joy.

The Doctor also has companions he travels with throughout space and time. The companions become his friends, his family, his loves. I see my companions as my children first and foremost. They were with me through it all. Through the hysterectomy, through the move to El Paso, through the making friends, through the deployments, through the chemo, through the jobs, through the move back home after realizing my marriage is over, they have been my companions through it all. My parents, my sisters, my friends both here and in El Paso, my nieces and nephews they are my companions too. They support me, they help me, they pull me through the dark moments and they "RUN" with me when the Daleks come to attack. You see when they attack the Doctor basically turns to his companions, grabs them by the hand and tells them to: RUN.

The Doctor also gets to run away sometimes too. I wish so badly sometimes to just run away. Run away and not face the problems but just like the Doctor if I try to escape them no matter what they follow me wherever I go. You see his Tardis, his time machine, doesn't always take him where he wants to go but to where he needs to go. When I left El Paso I thought I could run away to my parents house. I could run away and have them take care of me and everything. Now do not get me wrong my parents are amazing and they are helping me so much but I have to take care of my problems. Just because I wanted to run away from my problems and thought I would escape into Mars for a nice fun vacation I had to learn and discover that there is water on Mars and aliens bent on the destruction of those humans that I love so much! That was of course a Doctor Who reference and I apologize reader if you did not get it but it is a post on the show so therefore I am making the reference.

The Doctor meets some amazing people along the way. He meets a girl who is the Bad Wolf and ultimately falls in love with her but he himself can not be with her so gives his clone him to her (weird I know) but I see this as my ex and I can no longer be together. I do not want a clone of him but one day I might just get something way better. He meets a wonderful woman who falls in love with him but he is too dense to realize it and yet she meets the right man for her (the ex of the Bad Wolf) and well they have a happily ever after. I see this in my friends who loved some one before but that love was not the right love for them so they later on had to find the right one and now they are happier than they ever will be. He meets an infuriatingly wonderful woman (I love her and her sass) and they have a great friendship but he must leave her and make her forget him for her safety. I met some amazingly wonderful sassy women who I had the best friendships with and had to leave them. As much as I hope they never forget me their lives are different from mine now. I am no longer a wife like they are and let alone an Army wife either but as much I hope and pray we will be friends for the rest of our lives I am away from them. He then meets a little girl who became his best friend as she grew up. She traveled with him, she loved him her whole life, she fell in love with her childhood best friend who truth be told I fell in love with too because he is the model of a "perfect" husband if one really existed, she gave birth to his wife (again its sci-fi so it is weird like that) and she ultimately became his family! Their story is one of my favorites of all of the Doctor Who companions and stories. I have childhood friends who I still have. I love them as they were my family and they always will be. And now he is on to his latest companion who is the Impossible Girl. Who has been with him throughout his regenerations and has saved him one way or another. I see my sister as my Impossible Girl who saves me and protects me through it all. Oh and of course there is Captain Jack who well not only makes for great TV but makes for great visuals (I have just a small crush on him... LOL)

The Doctor has so much more meaning than all of this but this is why I say I survived with the Doctor. Good prevails over evil. Love knows no bounds through time and space. Friendships may come and go but the impact and legacy they leave lasts throughout the life times.

You see when I underwent chemo the last time I was in a dark place. As I undergo it again I am still in a dark place and I love the mental relief I get when I watch Doctor Who. "On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Matthew 9:12. I am sick. I have cancer, I am heart broken, I am down and I need A DOCTOR.

Thank you for joining along with me readers and I hope you can if you do not know about Doctor Who see what it is that I am talking about. It is a great show after all and as always....

Be Blessed in HIM

Surviving With Great Dreams

Photo Courtesy of Creative Commons

I know I said last time I was going to write a blog post on Doctor Who and I am still planning on it but this dream was the best and I had to share! 

I have been in love with the movie Joyful Noise and the soundtrack. The other night I had dream about the music of Joyful Noise. Oh I loved it. I was back in El Paso speaking at a woman's conference and saw all my Army Wife/El Paso friends. I was there speaking to women about overcoming and surviving this crazy Army life and how even though I no longer was an Army wife I will always be an Army sister to my friends and allowing them to learn from my experiences and my trials. The first song to open was "Not Enough" from the soundtrack. It spoke about not having enough trust in God, enough love even among the Army wife life and not enough to feel we can sustain. I spoke after this telling these women, some of which I knew and considered as my sisters and some I have never met an told them how when I was first diagnosed with cancer I didn't know but my faith was shook and I did not know if I had enough trust in God. Then I get diagnosed again after thinking I was fine and this time my husband was deploying and I thought God why me? Why did I have to go through this? Then dealing with cancer and treatment, dealing with deployment, dealing with issues with my daughter and depression, dealing with my marriage falling apart and knowing I could not fix it. I did not feel that there was enough love or trust then. Afterwards I sang "Man in the Mirror" and how I had through with Christ make a change in my life to make a change in my world. I say my world because I could not make a change in my husbands world no matter how much I wanted to, I could not make a change in my children's world no matter how much I wanted to, I could not even make a change in my friends worlds when I saw them suffer and go through things as well but I could make a chane in my world and hope and pray that the change in my world would make a change in the world of others who might go through similar situations and chose to allow God to help them as He helped me. Then I sang "Fix Me Jesus" and this one was because I have prayed this thousands of times in my situation. I have prayed for Jesus to fix my ovaries and cure me of the cancer. I pray that Jesus heal my heart and allow me to heal and forgive. I ask that he heal my mind of the self destructive thoughts I have had since my marriage has been destroyed. You see I have never been a Barbie looking girl but I have always had a positive self esteem. I have always thought well of myself no matter what the scale said, no matter what the size tag said, no matter if I had hair or not but once he left me I thought of myself as someone unworthy of love. But God is fixing me and reminding me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and he is the one to determine me worthy of love and he hasn't. Then the choir sang "He's Everything". Oh how beautiful it was! God is everything! He is who makes all things great and wonderful. He is the one who makes us happy and takes away our pain. He does it all for us! We ended the conference with the choir singing "Higher Medley" reminding us that God is higher. He is bigger and better than our problems. He does it all for us! Oh I loved it. At the end of the conference we asked women to come forward who were struggling with problems in their marriage whether due to deployment, military life, or just regular everyday life and finding themselves distancing themselves from their husband and God, we asked women who needed healing from cancer or any other illness that took over their body, we asked women to come forward if they were dealing with issues of self esteem or depression or any mental health even such as PTSD, Post Partum and that to come forward and I witnessed so many come and talk about how God spoke to them during this conference telling them they were not alone in their situation. It was beautiful seeing women of all walks of life gathering together and helping and praying for one another because now they knew they were not alone and that God cared about their marriages, their health, their emotions. All the Glory be to God that He and He alone can bring people of all walks of life and show them the common ground that they all share.

This was my dream. A dream I wish were true! A dream that I woke up from with a big smile on my face!

Readers thank you for joining me in my journey with the most amazing dream of my life and as always readers...

Be Blessed in HIM!

Surviving the Shruken Head Syndrome

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

OK readers hope you are ready for this one. So you all know what I am going through. I mean my life is an open book after all or is that an open blog actually? So with the impending divorce, the dealings with my soon to be ex husband and even his current well I do not know what to call her, my cancer treatments, my life as a single mother, starting things over with no job or career, my financial struggles and well just "normal" life stuff I felt like I needed and my kids needed some professional help. I mean I am not the only one going through all of this they are too you know. They have to deal with their mom and dad no longer being in love with each other, they have to deal with the current whatever she is, they have to deal with mom going through chemo, they have to deal with growing up with a single mom, they have to deal with starting their lives all over again as well, they have to deal with the fact that mom can not afford certain things because as of yet we have not received child support, and the "normal" things of life as well.

First of all what is the "normal" things in life? I mean I can honestly say I know NO ONE that lives a normal life. Readers if you believe you are one of those people who live a normal life please enlighten me because I have yet to know what a normal life is.

Anywho to return to my blog post. So I found an amazing counselor for not only myself but my children too. I think she is just down right awesome. First off for those readers who personally know me you know I am a WHOVIAN. For those who do not know what a Whovian is let me enlighten you right quick. A Whovian is a fan of the show Doctor Who on the BBC America channel. OMG readers I absolutely love this show and fell in love with it last time I underwent chemo. I think maybe tomorrow I might blog about why I am head over heals in love with the show, but that is a blog post for tomorrow. On to our counselor for today. She not only is a Whovian she is a nerd, geek at heart. She loves the music my daughters listen to, she loves Anime, she loves my Kiki's sense of humor, and that she was able to make my Jordan talk! This is a big deal because he down right refused to go to counseling. He did not want to express his feelings at all in regards to the impending divorce or the state of our relationship in any way, shape or form. She did not make a break through in regards to healing his heart but she made a break through in getting him just to talk to her. So we all talked at first together with her. She got to know us just a little bit, asked really broad questions in regards to our aspirations in life and even our goals with therapy and then she split us up.

Now Lissy and Kiki went and talked individually to her. I do not know what they said because of confidentiality but that is good. I want my kids to trust her and be able to open up their feelings to her and I think she will be good for them. I mean she is young, she likes stuff that they like and she genuinely shows compassion towards them. When it was Jordan's turn I was allowed to sit in on his mini session because he was afraid to talk to her. He did however feel at ease when she mentioned he didn't have to talk about anything he did not want to talk about. She told him how she would play games with him, they will color together (which they both agreed was good because neither of them can draw really well but coloring is the next best thing) and he could even talk to her about how he wants to grow up to be a preacher and give her cool Bible trivia as well.

Then it came time for my private session. When I first left El Paso a part me was thinking this could be temporary, if my ex husband (and I keep trying to use this term because I need to allow my heart to learn this term) asked us to return I would have done so, but now I know, I know my situation is permanent. I know that I will no longer be Mrs. Perez but that from now on I will be Ms. Alicea. I couldn't believe it, when I realized I will no longer be an Mrs but just an Ms. At first my heart took another break and stab but then well this is my life, I can not change what has happened but I sure can mold what will be. I used to be sad. I used to wonder what I did wrong. I used to pray to God please not only heal my heart but his and bring our family together again. I used to. I still pray that God heal my heart. I still pray that God heal his heart but the difference is I do not pray that our family be restored. I pray that GOD'S WILL BE DONE. I pray that God allow me to see the wonder around me, that God allow me to see the goodness around me. I pray God allow me to stop being angry. But I know I have every right right now to be angry. I was told by my ex and his whatever that I am an angry woman. They said this to me like I was not entitled to be angry or have a right to be angry. I even told the counselor this. I told her how I used to be sad but now my sadness over my marriage is over and what lies there is anger. My ex told me that it is hypocritical of me to be angry and claim to be a religious woman. That I just want to play the victim. Well that is far from the truth I tell you readers.

My counselor did not bat an eye when I told her why I was angry. I mean when you are financially cut off completely and have to figure out how to survive with no money and three kids you have a right to be angry. When you spent 14 almost 15 years with someone, stood by them through two hospital stays, three children, multiple jobs, multiple places to live, enlisting later on in life in the Army, learning this new lifestyle to support them, two deployments, cancer and treatment dealing without them in order to protect them from seeing it all you have a right to be angry. She understood this and her words were sweet but I took comfort remembering what my Pastor from El Paso once said that "Christians can be angry over injustices because God is angry over injustices as well". When my kids can not have what they need because all the money is spent and I can not get a single penny that is injustice, when after sticking by the person in the good and the bad and waiting nine long months for them to return on deployment only to have them kick you and your kids to the waste side that is an injustice, when my children have had to wait over a month for their precious treasures that they had to leave behind because it could not fit in the trailer when we came and their father is "too busy" to send it that is an injustice and when I have to undergo cancer treatment all while dealing with worrying about finances, worrying about what my kids are having to feel during this time of the impending divorce, worrying about when I will be able to pay this or that and if my car will be reposed because he will no longer help that is an injustice. When my children have to stick by my side taking care of me during chemo and again he is no where near to deal with my sickness and he is the adult that is an injustice. I have the right to be angry. I have the right voice my mind whether they feel I am right or not, I can still be a Christian woman and be angry at them for going through what I am forced to go through. I think the worst pain I felt was being called a hypocrite because above all I feel I have maintained my faith in Christ through it all, even through my anger, because I ask God to help me heal from it all and I know that He is going to help me and it just might be through this amazing counselor we found that fits our crazy family so well.

"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life." Ephesians 4: 26-27 MSG. I know God will take my anger away. I pray He will and God hears our prayers. I know through talking in counseling I will get my anger away. I know one day my anger will be gone in its time and in its place will be blessings that the Lord has granted me. People worry sometimes when I say I am angry but know that one I am not trying to get revenge, I am only speaking my mind. And two God is working in me. I am a work in progress and I will fall and make mistakes but with my God all things are possible and so I know my anger will be taken away in its right time. I believe what I am going through is an injustice, and so therefore my anger is fueling me to fight for what is right in this injustice, I am fighting for my children to get the support they need and once they do I know my God will replace my anger with joy because I will be happy seeing my kids taken care of. Readers do not fret over me thinking I am allowing anger to be my only emotion because I have given it to God and He will hear and answer my prayer in His perfect time. 

Readers thank you for going through this journey with me and as always

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surving the Dreaded Doctors... AGAIN

Learning to Survive: Surving the Dreaded Doctors... AGAIN: Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez I am so sorry readers I did not get a blog post out yesterday and this is why: Yesterday I had my appo...

Surving the Dreaded Doctors... AGAIN

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

I am so sorry readers I did not get a blog post out yesterday and this is why: Yesterday I had my appointment with the oncologist and I began my next round of treatments. No readers this is not what I look like right now. Currently I still have my hair this was a picture of me last time I began chemotherapy. I have a new oncologist and I have to say I really like this one. He is thorough and I have full confidence in him for my treatment even though my belief is GOD will see me through this all.

Well apparently I can not go to the doctors without having some kind of silly story. I think doctors and I have a form of attraction to make life just a bit sillier. So here I am in this new oncologist's office. Mind you my oncologist is also a gynecological oncologist (try saying that three times fast) and well I had to get a pelvic ultrasound done because that was one thing that they did not transfer with my records from El Paso. Oh Lordy, Lord, Lord are those things terrible. I will not say the joke I made to the technician because it was said in a moment of panic on my part and trying to ease the mood but it was a tad inappropriate for mixed company and so I asked God to forgive me for saying what I said and proceeded to lay back on the bed.

OK readers I don't know about you but if you are anything like me and you are lying in this doctor's table and they ask you to relax AND scoot down if you are anything like me you do the opposite. I tensed up and scooted up on the bed. Poor woman kept repeating it until finally she had to just grab me by the hips and pull me down. Now I am a short woman but this woman had to be like 2 feet nothing because she was super short but when she grabbed me by the hips to pull me down to where I needed to be at for the exam I believe she grew like 10 more feet and was now 12 feet tall still all the while saying "Now relax". RELAX?!?!?!?! are you kidding me?!?! How can a person relax under such pressure!

Now I have been concerned since I my cancer has gone from uterine to matasize into my ovaries and so therefore I am worried about the breast. So I had my very first ever mammogram done as well. Well again I have to remind you people that I am a short woman. I measure at a whooping 60 inches and for you Mathematical wizards out there that is 5 feet tall. The mammogram machine though seems to be designed for some Amazonian Wonder Woman like person because I could not reach. I could not reach!! I had to stand on a step stool for this. Oh and can I just say OW OW OW!! Only a man could have invented such a medieval torture device as this! Seriously!!!

Well I then get sent to a different room. Here I am in a more comfy looking bed but because last time I lied down at this particular doctors office I felt violated and at least was not even offered a glass of wine I was a tad bit apprehensive about this more comfy looking bed. Boy was I right. The doctor now walks in. Mind you I have been prodded and smashed every which way possible and I had yet to meet my Doctor. So he walks in with a smile on his face asking me how I am doing. In my mind I wanted to tell him the truth. I envisioned myself telling him how I do not appreciate being poked, smashed, prodded first thing in the morning but my mouth said I'm OK how are you? My brain is now screaming seriously?!?!?! you are OK?!?!?!?!?! The doctor tells me that after the lab work I did when I first arrived here in Orlando my blood levels are looking promising. My tumor shows it has shrunk a considerable size since the last time it got checked in El Paso and that I can go through with having my ovaries removed and they use a method that will be less invasive and less bleeding on me. OMG I was so happy. This is what I have been wanting to hear for such a long time now.

God was answering my prayers and I felt amazing knowing that finally I could one day say: "I truly did kick cancer's butt"! Its OK readers I know this is a Christian blog but I can say butt. I promise I can. I can say butt over and over and over again like I am a minion on Despicable Me looking at a photocopy of a butt. BUTT BUTT BUTT! LOL That was the 10 year old in me wanting to come out for a second and play. No but seriously I am happier than I have been in a long time because finally something is going my way.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up" Ecclesiastes 3: 1-3ESV. God has got this. So yes I still have to go through some difficult times. I still have to undergo chemo, yes I feel sick now, yes I might have to lose my hair again and look like a crystal ball but I am getting my healing through my God because His promises are true and He has promised there is a time for EVERYTHING and my time for healing is NOW.

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

And well who would have known that when I took this picture almost 3 years ago that it would be true. I am too sexy for my hair and that is why it leaves me. But I know I have a great, great, great support system in my family, my friends, my prayer warriors and most importantly my God.

Thank you for all the prayers readers and as always

Be Blessed in HIM

Surviving as A Single Mother

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

Life as a single mother is hard. I mean it sometimes feels never ending. Like I want to relax and all and my kids need me. I want to have two seconds of peace and quiet and my kids have friends over. I want to watch what I want to watch on the TV and they want to watch an array of either Anime, Power Rangers, Spongebob, or for the kicker: My Little Pony.

Being a single mom though is not new to me. As a military spouse I had to go several months at a time separated from my husband and so therefore had to take the brunt of all my parenting time. I wonder if people really realize how hard it is. I love my children more than anything in the world besides God but times come when moms need that time alone and as a single parent well those times hardly ever come. I mean if you are anything like me you have three amazing kids, and no I am not biased my children are just downright awesome filled with awesome rolled into a ball of awesomeness, but they are big enough to fend for themselves. My children are ages 14, 12, and about to turn 11. In this picture above though they are tiny but I really love this picture of us all together. My kids can do for themselves now but I remember the days of being a stay at home mom to not only my three kids but my sisters three kids as well. Oh I remember my youngest being just a toddler and my niece who was the oldest was no more than 9-10 years old.

When I came back home after leaving El Paso my niece and nephews were reminiscing of the times when they got to be home with me and all that I would do. Here are some amazing and fun rainy day ideas for your kids when you can't take them all to run off the steam at the local park.

1. One day I had while the kids were in school, even my youngest cause he was in Head Start, I went to the dollar store and picked up goody bags (kinda like the ones you make for your child's birthday party) and six different pieces of yarn. When the kids came home from school I had them stay in the playroom, more like I kept yelling get back in there or you wont get your surprise like every two seconds, and took the six different pieces of yarn and intertwined them throughout the house like an obstacle course. Of course making it more challenging for the older ones and at the end of the yarn was their goody bag.

2. I make homemade donuts. This is fun for all ages. You take a Pillsbury Dough can and take a melon baller to cut doughnut holes in each biscuits. Fry them for less then a minute on each side and here is where the kids have fun. Have them place the doughnuts and the holes in zip lock bags with sugar and cinnamon and shake while listening to fun music.

3. I would pick up all the kids from school. I had six with my sister's kids as well so it was going to the Head Start, the Elementary School, and the Middle School each day. We were a one car family so I also had to pick the husband up at work too. I would get the last kid which was my niece at the middle school and tell them it takes me 20 minutes from here to the park next to my husband's job. If we get there and your homework is done you get to play, if not we sit in the car and finish it first. The fun part was going through the bumpy roads or taking the turns really wide through the neighborhood and hearing the kids moan and yell. Once we get to the park if homework was finished we would take the cooler and go sit down first at the picnic table for snack and then they got almost a full hour to play spy games or Power Ranger games with me being the one giving them out their missions. Rule of thumb always have the missions pre-selected before you go.

Now those were fun! I miss those days and while I took care of the kids, all six of them by myself, I was not a single mom per say because I had a husband who would come home. This last deployment was a hard one as a single mom because I was dealing with the cancer as well. Here is a picture of me right before I lost my hair, I was having a hard day and my kids decided to make me feel like a queen. I love my kids.

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

Even though single parenting is hard, even though some days you are with six kids all under the age of 10 and all you want to do is have a grown up conversation with your best friend so you pretend to play "hide and go seek" and hide inside the closet whispering the whole time in fear that you will be discovered kids are the best blessings in life. Now while I believe my children are amazing and wonderful I am also an advocate of mothers taking time to yourselves before you burn out. A burned out mother is no good to her children. Here are some great things to give you a good break from the kiddos every now and again.

1. If you have a good set of friends arrange with them to trade off babysitting. That way you can give your kids to your good friend for several hours to either go get a mani/pedi, go shopping, go to the movies, or my all time favorite: GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT INTERRUPTION!

2. Find a sitter and save. I am all about saving and having a little set aside every now and again. Go out to eat with friends or have a date with your spouse.

3. If you have amazing family see if they would be willing to take the kids for the weekend and schedule a weekend girls trip. Those are fun! I miss having those!!

My kids are my world and my life but as a single mother right now I have to see that I am now both mom and dad to them because I have to fill both roles. In my situation right now I am the only biological parent they have. I say biological because my friends and family have been great to help me with the task of parenting. When my marriage first broke I felt so guilty and it was hard for me to be able to parent properly. They were feeling so sad and abandoned that the thought of discipline was hard for me. Now don't get me wrong, one thing I have always prided myself on was that I was a fun mom but I was a strict mom too. My kids were not going to be the ones cursing or wearing too provocative attire. My kids would know how to say please and thank you and call everyone either Mr, Mrs, Ms or Sir and Madam. But when the marriage was over and the kids felt such an abandonment a part of me found it hard to discipline. It took me a good three weeks to not just say yes to every whim they had or not correct them when they did something wrong. Now I had to do it. My daughter found it in her self to decide to back talk to me the other day. Oh was I seeing red, but I took a few breaths first and then calmly told her this: "Just because I am friendly with you does not make me your friend. I am your mother first and foremost and you will speak to me in such a way". Wow that was enlightening to me and it reminded me to still be mom and dad now even if it was hard to do so.

God gave us a great ability and a great gift when he made us mothers. Just because He gave us this great gift does not mean it will all be rainbows, sunshine and unicorns if you are into that sort of thing. Motherhood is hard, like when your child has their first broken heart, or they are hurting either physically or emotionally, or dear Lord God Almighty when they turn into a teenager and roll their eyes and tell you WHATEVER! But even through the hard times, joy always comes in raising children you are proud of and are so in love with.

"The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26 ESV.

Thank you for joining me readers as I talk about one of the best joys in my life, my kids and my role as their mother. 

And as always.....

Be Blessed in HIM

Surving New Beginnings

Picture Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

So people wonder why would we need to survive new beginnings, I mean aren't new beginnings a good thing? Doesn't it mean that you are beginning something wonderful and new? While new beginnings are a great thing at times sometimes they are not. Some new beginnings in the long run turn out to be for the best but at the beginning they are scary, they are hard, and they take you by surprise. Sometimes a new beginning might not be something you thought you wanted but something that someone placed in their mind that you were going to have to go through. My last blog post spoke about the end of my marriage. It was hard for me to write but at the same time it was a healing process for me as well. A fourteen year old marriage coming to a sudden and abrupt halt well that can be a shock to the system. I equate my marriage ending to being electrocuted. No reader please do not stop reading I have not lost my mind, at least I do not believe I have, just let me bring it on home first. See I have always believed that marriage is forever. You stand before God, before family and friends and you hold this man's hands in your own and vow to stay together through the good and the bad, through sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you BOTH shall live. So when I stood in that church fourteen and a half years ago I took my husband's hands and I vowed to live my life with him. This was a new beginning but one that I chose to make. I was scared though. I mean I was 21 years old, I was already pregnant with my oldest daughter, and I was vowing to love for the rest of my life this man who stood before me. This was scary. 5 months later we welcomed a brand new baby girl into our lives, I was 22 years old a wife and a mother and I had no idea how to be either. I struggled I will not lie but this beginning while it was scary it was the best. I loved my husband and I loved my baby girl. 18 months later we had another baby girl and 19 months after that we had our son. Wow my family was complete and it all began with the change of becoming a wife and a mother.

Now we moved around a lot throughout our marriage. Change sometimes was great because we would get a better house or be in a better location but change is the only constant apparently in life. Then we moved to a different state. I was scared again. This change was the hardest of my life at the time. I always lived within five minutes from my family and now the eternal baby of the family had to fend for herself? Wow was that hard. I struggled making friends at first in this new location and thought this was the hardest thing but I believed God allowed me to struggle at first making new friends because he was drawing me closer to Him and to my husband. Finally I made amazing friends and my husband enlisted in the Army. Readers I thought to myself then and there WHY?! I finally have friends and now I have to up and move?! This is down right ridiculousness! I am not the type of woman who adjusts easily. I think back now and think this is why God asked me to learn to adjust because I was going to have to be more flexible.

You see readers when God wants something for you it doesn't matter if it what you want it matters if it is what He has in store for you. I do not like uprooting. I do not like living a life of uncertainty but God knows I would have to and so therefore I up and moved back home during my husband's 8 month long Basic Training and Advanced Individual Training. Then readers I am sure you can figure out what happened next. 1 gazillion points if you get it right! YUP I have to up and move AGAIN! Now we were in Kingsville, Texas which is about 30 minutes give or take south of Corpus Christi (You know where the singer Selena was from) and I moved back with my children and dogs home to Orlando, FL land of eternal rain and Mickey Mouse and now he gets orders to EL PASO, TX!! Back to Texas!!!!! Now I loved living in Kingsville, TX. Quaint little town, everybody knew each other, weather was not too bad either with the exception of the lack of rainfall and all but I liked it. Now I am going to the desert! The desert I tell you!!! Extreme weather, cold or hot but NOTHING in between, no green anywhere, land of eternal sun. I knew no one in the city of El Paso and I was scared yet again.

I now look back at El Paso and I have fond and wonderful memories of my church, of my friends, of my job. I miss it so much. I really became what I thought was me there. I had a purpose and I had a drive and then my marriage ended which led me back to Mickey Mouse land. Do not get me wrong i love my family, my friends here and I am grateful for them more than I possibly could be but I do not feel like my purpose is found. How do you begin again when you can not find your purpose? My children give me meaning and drive but I feel like my purpose might be something else. I have no job or career here. I am struggling with lack of finances because the separation has made my husband different and therefore I have no money to support my children right now. I want a job so bad the thought of working turns me into one of Pavlo's dogs and I begin to salivate at the mouth when I hear of someone looking to hire only to discover for one reason or another I do not get chosen for the interview. Being slightly older than 19, and those of you readers who know my true age I have two words to tell you: SHUT UP! and starting a new life is hard. Starting a new life of where to live with three children all either pre-teen or teen ages and not having money or a job is scary. This is the scariest of all. I look at the Word for encouragement and this is what I find:

"Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you." 2 Corinthians 5: 17 The Message Translation. God is giving a new beginning. He is starting something new in my life. The kicker comes in me accepting His will and waiting on His time. Readers if you are in a beginning of your life whether it is in life, in relationships, in career, or education lets all vow together to hold each other up as we see the change God is making in our lives and as always my readers and my friends...

Be Blessed in HIM

Surviving Loss

Ugh I am not sure how I feel about this. I love to blog and love to write and even get out my feelings like this but I have to be honest, I am scared. I am really scared. Writing about my cancer is one thing. Writing about my kids and motherhood is one thing as well but writing about what is happening now in my life. Oh this is hard. This is killing me. I just read my last blog post which was in December of 2012 and I had gone month by month about my life. Well I had written about my marriage in the post and how certain things happened last year and I began to sob.

You see last year I had no idea that I was going to be living the life I am living right now. Last year if someone told me that my life would be turned completely upside down I do not think I would have believed them. Last year if I would have been told that cancer would be the least of my worries I would have laughed in the person's face telling me all of this. But I hesitate to write this post and I want to explain why first. You see when my blog was about the cancer I had my critics, both good and bad, and well I have been told I do not need to go about advertising all that is in my life. But I need an outlet. I need to express myself and while I have amazing family and friends I have extremely vocal family and friends and I do not always get to release ALL that I need to. I do advise if you do not want to know all then stop reading now. I am not writing to get others opinions I am just writing to release my own feelings and as someone told me recently I am writing my story each minute of each day of my life. I want to leave a legacy behind for my daughters and my son and I want to be able to help others if they struggle with the same things I am going through.

So I am dealing with loss right now. The loss I am dealing is the mourning of 14 years of my life. I am dealing with the loss of my marriage. Something I have held dear to but is now slowly fading away. Again I am going to add a disclaimer here. If you are reading this and are looking for me to bash the man I have been married to for the past 14 years then you got another thing coming. Even though I mourn the loss of something that defined me, that made me happy, that gave me joy and love and right now utter pain and anguish I will not bash the man that I have loved for 14 years, the man that I have shared my secrets with, my dreams, my love. I will not degrade and demean the past 14 years of my life by becoming one of those women who can only be happy during a separation and a divorce unless they make him into the bad guy. I will not do it.

Am I in pain? Truth be told I am in agony. I try to cover up my emotions by smiling, by laughing, by taking my kids to Disney World, the Comic Book Store and surrounding them constantly with family but I feel the worse pain I have ever felt in my life every minute of every day. I wake up every morning praying, wishing and hoping that all of this was some nightmare I was trapped in. Hoping that when I wake up I am back home in my bed and he is lying beside me. I spend my days in my childhood home with my three children now, trying to put it out of my mind that I do not have my belongings, I do not have my own home, I do not have the life I built anymore. Back home I had a job that I LOVED. A job I felt I finally found where I was meant to be in this world. I loved working at the daycare even if it was one difficult and stressful job at times. I admired my boss and all my co-workers. I loved my babies and all the kids at the daycare. It felt like I was not a mother to just my three but to all who were in my care at the daycare. I hated saying goodbye. I hated leaving. I worked also as the youth leader at the church. I may be biased but I had the best group of teens ever! I love them so much and loved that most saw me as a second mom to them, especially those that practically lived in my home. Saying goodbye to them felt as if someone ripped a piece out of my heart. I had amazing friends who became family, after all Army Wives stick together and become family away from home. They are the family you chose not the one you are given. Leaving my amazing support system and all felt like a piece of me was dying. I had a church who was not just a church. They were and always will be my angels on earth. They took care of me when I felt no one else could. I had to leave them all behind too. So when asked am I in pain? All I can respond is I am in agony.

I will not however want to take back the last 14 years in order to erase this pain. If I were to do that I would not have my amazing three children. I love my kids. I love that they are funny and smart. I love that they are caring and independent. I love that they love each other, love their family and friends, love their father and love me. So the marriage might be over but the love that I have for them never will be and neither will the love their father has for them either. So what happened to make this time in my life the most agonizing it has ever been?

Honestly I can not fully answer that. I have my theories but no answers I feel. Army Wives wait diligently for their hero, their soldier to come home from war. They dream each and every night of the deployment about being reunited again. They long to feel their soldiers arms wrapped around them again, they long to hear him tell her he loves her. They long for the closeness and togetherness of their marriage again and for them to be just as anxious, just as excited for their return to their family as well. Unfortunately that is most of the time a fairy tale. He has spent 24/7 with his "battle buddies" and has been with them for at least 9 whole months. Now think about it ladies, those of you that are moms, you are usually pregnant for 9 months (I say usually cause with my second daughter I was pregnant 10 months and that was not fun!) and in these 9 months you develop a strong emotional bond with your baby. Soldiers do this as well with their battle buddies. Now they are back on American soil, dumped on you without counseling (they do not get the counseling until they come home and apparently as I have been informed unless they want the counseling) and the adjustment sometimes is too much to bare. Am I condoning that all this is ok for the soldier to up and leave? Absolutely not but divorce rates among military families is the highest its ever been. With such wars as The War on Terror and Enduring Freedom they take a toll on the soldier.

Now I am upset and I am hurt but truth of the matter is even though I am both I still love the man. I was asked just today if he were to come back and ask to re-join his family would I take him back. I would love to think that I would without reservation but I might need proof. I mean my heart is hurt. I stood by for 9 months waiting for a return only to be alone still but if I knew he truly wanted to come back and be with his kids and to have me as his wife again I believe I would. Marriage is sacred and I value it way too much.

"This is how we know what real love is: Jesus gave his life for us. So we should give our lives for each other as brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16. A soldier lays his life on the line for his country but comes home and leaves the ones who love him the most. I know a soldier's first duty is to country but God has commanded a husband's first duty to his family. Can he lay his life on the line for them? Can he be there for them both mentally and physically? I love my husband even if right now he chooses to be away and I will always love him. "Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits." 1 Corinthians 13:7. I will continue to pray for his heart, his peace of mind, his love. I will continue to hold him up in the eyes of my children and when they chose to talk about him or to him I will only speak good things of him and encourage their relationship with one another. I will always trust in God to do his perfect will in the life and heart of the man I stood with in front of my family, my friends, my church and my God and vowed to love and cherish for as long as I live and I will always pray for him as I did throughout our 14 years of marriage.

I may be mourning the loss of my marriage because he feels he wants a divorce. But I will also pray for a resurrection of that love again. Do I believe my God is greater than this? Yes. Do I believe my God can overcome anything? Yes. Do I believe that my God can still give me my miracle and my happily ever after? YES. I will continue to pray and I will continue my faith and I will pray for my hope to come shining through.

As always readers,

Be BLESSED IN HIM!