Motherhood: The Survival Continues...

Yesterday was my daughter's eleventh birthday. She is my diva, she is my clown and she is the reason most days someone in this house is smiling, laughing, or if you are her little brother you are crying.

Man those two are like monsters together.

These are my three loves in my life:

Aren't they just adorable? Well let me explain something to you. This blog is titled Learning to Survive and even though all the post lately have been about the potential of surviving cancer that is not the only thing in my life I have to survive. I have to survive being these three little "angels" mom!

I used to think when they were babies that I survived the hardest part of my life. I had carried the oldest for 9 1/2 months and endured a gruesome 36 hour labor where it took 3 hours to push to no avail and had to get an episiotomy to be able to deliver her. The second one I carried exactly 10 months ( I knew her due date was accurate because she was the only one we planned and I knew my date of conception and she was born exactly on her due date) and even though her labor was only 5 hours of laughing, joking and sharing my love of the soap opera: "Days of Our Lives" with my Obstertrician who had no other patients that day and sat in my room with us the entire time I thought I overcame the worse with her difficult pregnancy. We went into pre-term labor with her at 5 months, I kept fainting with her pregnancy and was put on a 4 month bed rest with her. And then there is my son. Oh the one my husband had been waiting for since by the time he was born my husband was over run by estrogen having a wife, two little girls, a female dog and the house looked like a giant bottle of pepto bismal had exploded everywhere because you could not turn around without finding something pink everywhere. His pregnancy ran just a day or two over the 9 month mark. You see I developed diabetes with his pregnancy and they were fearing he was going to be a very BIG BOY! As you can see by this picture of him where his jacket is ten sizes too large he never has been and I am almost positive he never will be a BIG BOY. I was induced much to my husband's dismay on the 22nd (We named him after Michael Jordan and my husband wanted him to be born on the 23rd because that is Michael Jordan's number and in my opinion he had no say since I was the one with the bowling ball in my stomach!) and with my son's birth my first epidural did not take so I had to have two epidurals, I had my two best friends and my husband cracking jokes during my pain and misery and none of them even noticed my silent cries in the background of their noise until the nurse pointed it out. My son was born, whisked away after I held him for less than a minute and put him an incubator in the NICU. Once my babies all were about 6-9 months old I thought wow I went through all the sleepless nights, the incessant diaper changes, the screams of shots, the endless doctors appointments and so on and so forth. Wow my life from now on was going to be a cake walk. My kids were going to be perfect angels, my kids were going to be each others best friends (mind you I had not even thought about homeschooling for them but I thought they were each less then 2 years apart so they were going to be the best of friends), I thought my kids would see me as the perfect mother like I thought of my mother as ( I completely forgot about my teen years when I thought I knew more than my mother ). I thought my husband and I would go on beautiful date nights while the kids stayed with a trustworthy teen who would be our babysitter and I thought my kids would never, EVER do anything wrong.

Wow I must have still been high on the epidurals to think that?!?!?! Let me tell you all what motherhood really is. Motherhood is being a referee to your kids. They fight! They fight all the time!! So and so took my toy, so and so looked at me funny, so and so called me a booger-face doodie head! Motherhood is being a nurse when your kids are sick to their stomach and are vomitting every two seconds for 24 hours. Motherhood is being an educator and that is for all mothers not just the ones who are crazy like me and choose to homeschool three kids. We have to teach our kids respect, we have to teach our kids compassion we have to teach our kids how to do chores, cook and the most dreaded of all when they are potty training how to wipe their own behinds! Motherhood is being a taxi driver and taking your kids from one activity to the next. Motherhood is all about being selfless because guess what? These sweet looking, smiling faces forget that the world does not revolve around them and that they need to say thank you for all that you do for them. Motherhood is also about being a counselor when your child's heart gets broken from a fight with a friend or a bully who said mean things to them. You are also their mother first and not their friend first. This one is hard. You have to be the one who tells them things like it is and not how they may want to hear it. You have to say NO when deep down you desperatly want to say YES because you know it will make them happy. You also can not go and dress in their clothes, hang out in their room with them and their friends and talk about boys because they will scream: "MOM YOU ARE SO EMBARRASSING!" You learn that lesson fast after the first scream when you tried to see if they were Team Edward or Team Jacob.... LOL

Motherhood is hard. It is a survival at all times. But it is so worth it. My life wouldn't be as wonderful as it is if it wasn't for the joy my kids give me. The love they show me. The respect and compassion. Being a mom has been the greatest job I have ever had even when it seems the hardest as well. Even though I love my children I do not mother them for my own sake or even for their own. I know that sounds bad but it is true. These three blessings were entrusted to me to care for them by God and I know one day I will have to answer for them as to how I handled my job as a mother. The Bible tells us in Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work heartliy, as for the Lord and not for men" ESV. I am surviving in my motherhood abilities because I know one day I will stand before the LORD and he will ask me what I did with my blessings. Did I raise them to know Him? Did I raise them to work for Him? Did I raise them to honor Him and bring others to Him? If I have then I have succeeded in motherhood and I can take comfort in knowing that when the bad days come when they are either embarrassed by me, they are fighting with me or one another, or they just feel that they know more than me I can know one day if I raised them to be Godly then I did my job right.

Mothers out there take comfort and allow me to share my ALL time favorite passage from the B-I-B-L-E with you: "And it came to pass...." The bad times did not come to stay they came to pass. Just as the good ones as well. When you are having a day where you understand and can relate to why some mothers in the wild eat their young remember that it came to pass and just ride it out waiting on God.

Be blessed HIM!

Surviving Despite It All

Today has been a hard day for me. I really had to debate if this blog was even worth continuing or not. After much consideration and much inner debate struggles I came to the realization that this is MY blog, this is MY feelings, this is MY coping mechanism. No one besides me should determine if I write it or not but I also have to realize that no one else HAS to read it either.

Another thing I discovered is that if this blog is viewed negatively than that is on others and not on me. I went back and I read each and every one of my posts and I realized that I may be talking about a negative situation but I am not being negative about it. I have told myself if I get bad news I get the bad news but I also have stated that I am praying for healing.

How also have I been negative about everything when I have been trying to be humorous about it all? I am not asking others to pity me, I am not asking others to see me as a woe is me person and I have definitely NEVER wanted to make anyone feel bad in any way about the situations they may be in.

I'm done with this all. I know what I am doing is for me and I was hoping that those who read my blog will see the humor in it all, they would get my positivity and know that I am putting it all in God's hands and even I even believe I am positive when I say that Survival is ALL about leaning on God, leaning on family and friends. But I guess the term Survival to some can be construed as negative even though in my mind I view it as positive.

Do I believe automatically my diagnosis will be gloom and doom? NO I am praying it isn't but I have to prepare myself if it comes back in that way. I have to know and train my heart and my mind that I need to lean on God. Why would I wait for the last minute and automatically assume all is well and not be prepared? Would you go and run a race without first training your body for the endurance it needs to handle the race? NO so why would I not prepare myself to run the race of life?

So whoever is reading this, if you choose to continue to read it, I want to share with you some of my funny moments in this situation.

First would be my daughter. She is just so awesome. Well tomorrow is my younger daughter's eleventh birthday. Today she comes to me and tells me that she feels like she is coming down with something. I tell her I hope not because she can not be sick tomorrow because tomorrow is a special day. To this she smiles as I go on to explain why tomorrow is a special day. I tell her: "Eleven years ago tomorrow I went to the hospital to get one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me" my daughter now has such a smile of pride on her face right now when I continue: "I tell her that because I got such a great gift eleven years ago I feel tomorrow should be special because I should get another great gift...." her jaw drops open like how could you say that? My oldest daughter comes in and says: "Are you sure you want another gift like the one you got eleven years ago?! I thought that factory was closed!!" To this I began laughing so hard. When my youngest was born I had my tubes tied. I would constantly tell people that this factory has closed since then and I guess my kids have learned it from me.

Now with this situation I am going through I pray that I can get a hysterectomy. I pray that if I do not have cancerous cells at least with all the issues I have had in the past and even recently that I can have a hysterectomy and just be done with all the problems.

Let me end off this post as I have the previous one with some verses from the Bible: "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22 ESV this is what I always intended with my blog to bring the humor in a matter where humor may not always be easy to find. I do not want to think negatively about my situation and allow my spirit to be crushed what I want to do is bring light to a situation where at first I might not have seen the light. The Word is the inspired Word of God and I am using my blog in hopes of bringing His Word to others who also may be going through similiar situations. "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance" Ecclesiates 3:4 ESV. I have mourned, I have cried but right now I choose to laugh and I pray on Thursday I can dance when the doctors tell me the good news. And if the doctor does not give me the good news I want I know when I receive my healing I will dance. I hope all who are reading this will join me and dance, dance to Lord because I plan on telling the world that my healing came from HIM.

You know what I want to do? You know how women who are having a baby have baby showers to celebrate that blessing God has placed in their lives? A good friend said this and now more than ever I want to do this: How about we have a party too? I want one of these two parties: "I am having a hysterectomy and will never HAVE TO be pregnant again party" or "I may have cancer but I am so gonna beat this with God party" would you all join me? I want to party!!

Be blessed in HIM my remaining readers.

Tick Tock.... Tick Tock....

Well I have exactly 6 days until I find out about my results. 6 days seems like it is not that much time but to me it feels like an eternity!!

This is me right now:

But this is what I feel like I will be having to wait those 6 days that feel more like 6,000 years before I can know what is going on:

Don't get me wrong I have been keeping myself busy. After all I am a mother of three who are energetic, funny and well need their mom still for this and that:

But I am still going stir crazy with the anticipation. What will my future hold in 6 days? I am also keeping busy caring for my husband, my kids, my house:

And hey I even have a couple of dogs needing my attention too:

But I just wish I could just know already. I have other things keeping me busy lately too. My daughter turns 11 on Tuesday, I am teaching Children's Church this Sunday, I am homeschooling my kids, I am learning to sew and I even made a fanatastic new recipe yesterday too, Chicken Carbonara. And tonight we go and do a 30 hour fast at the church. But even when I think I am keeping myself busy, my mind busy there is a time every night that my mind starts working a mile a minute. I have a beautiful family don't you think? But at night right when I lay my head down to go to sleep the devil comes and attacks. He starts putting thoughts in my head like: You will not get to see your kids grow up, go to college, fall in love, get married and have kids. You and your husband wont be old sitting on the porch with your coffee arguing about why the kids haven't called or come over with your grand kids. That is when I have to stop my brain, I have to stop the devil in his tracks with the only weapon I have:

If any of you are reading this all I ask is that you join me and pray. I ask God for one thing and one thing only. I am not the best prayer warrior out there. I stumble over my words and all but I want to pray right now with all of you. The Word tells us when two or more are gathered together in HIS name there HE will be.
"Lord I am coming to you now not as a whole person but as a broken one. I am coming to you because I know I can not do it all but you can do ALL things. God I ask you right now Father that you give me peace to know that you are in complete control. I do not ask that there be nothing found Lord because that is not my ultimate desire Lord. I ask that whatever they do find that it is curable Lord. Grant me the blessing of seeing my kids grow up and to grow old with my husband. That is all I ask, all I want Lord. Allow me the blessing to continue doing the job you gave me to do: to raise my kids and to be a support to my husband. Lord I ask this in your name, AMEN!"

I know this time around my blog didn't contain the humor it has in the previous posts but even though I truly always have believed if you can laugh your way through the trials you can overcome them today I needed spiritual healing. Thanks for praying with me.

Be blessed in HIM!

Survival: Solo Act or the Act of a Village?

Destiny's Child once sang these lyrics:
"I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not goin' give up (What?)
I'm not goin' stop (What?)
I'm goin' work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm goin'na make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)"

Reba McEntire sang these:
"A single mom who works two jobs
Who loves her kids and never stops
With gentle hands and a heart of a fighter
I'm a survivor"





And who can forget when Donna Summers sang the iconic song:
"Oh no not I.
I will survive.
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive.
I got all my life to live
and I got all my love to give.
and I'll survive. I will survive. hey hey"



Each of these songs has two characteristics in common. As the teacher in me I feel the need to ask you all now "do you know what they are?"
If you answered that each of these "Survivor" songs was sung by women and each of these "Survivor" songs is about one's own personal strength then give yourself a gold star for the day!

  Oohhh I just learned how to add pictures! How cool is that?? LOL

Anywho back to my point here. OK I have to admit that Donna Summer's song came out before my time but I would still jam out to it when I heard it and who can not listen to Destiny's Child and not sing along to them or hey Reba's song was her theme song to her show that I absolutely loved to watch! But is there prespective on Survival the right one? I started thinking about that today.

I am still here waiting for March 1st to come around and to know what my fate is and I have to say Survival of any kind should never be a solo thing. I have two amazing friends here in El Paso who just yesterday both offered to go with me to the doctor to get my results and that is what got me thinking why would we belt out these songs as women talking about our "survival" being a solo act?

Have you ever heard the term: "it takes a village to raise a child". This term is so true! I am a homeschool mom, I have three very amazing but very charasmatic children to say it kindly, I am thousands of miles (ok maybe not thousands like in the 10,000's but more like 1,700 miles) from my parents, sisters and friends I knew since I was a kid myself and I have recently dealt with a deployment that left me as a single parent for a time being. If I did not use "the village" I am in right now where God placed us to help me raise my children I would not even have survived our deployment. But I believe it also takes a village to help one another in our walk with God, in our daily struggles, even in our daily triumphs as well. And I was blown away when these beautiful women both without me having to ask (and trust me I really wanted to ask but did not know how) offered to accompany me to the appointment. My heart just swelled and literally I felt my eyes water when they both offered.

Now that was when I was there in the moment and relishing in the beauty of our friendship (wow I just read that back and thought I sound like a 1960's flower child....LOL I think I need to lay off the coffee... LOL) but when I got home and was left alone I thought again wait a minute I might need to rethink this whole thing. I want them there desperately because I don't know what news I will be getting. Will I get good news and want someone there to join me along in my happy dance? Or will I get bad news and want someone there to not only comfort me but calm me down? But then I started thinking: "OMG (I love that my daughters taught me that one) this is a female doctor appointment and even though they are good friends I don't think I feel comfortable with anyone other than my husband and my doctor all up in my fluffies (remember this means my belly) and my Umm-Umms as my daughter refers to them and I am sure you can figure out for yourself what the umm-umms are. Seriously people I do not feel comfortable explaining that to you all so please think creatively.

So after I came up with this conclusion in my head I sat down with my wonderful husband who came up with the best solution. Aren't hubbys grand? He told me "Why don't you have them come with you and if it is an appointment where they have to check the ummm-ummms (he did not use that word but I am not about to introduce to you, my readers (LOL like I have a fan base or something.... hey let me be dillusional for a second please) just ask them to wait in the lobby then. HELLO MCFLY!!
Anyone remember what movie that is from?

Oh man that movie was awesome wasn't it? Wow I digressed didn't I? Why didn't I think of that? I can still have my dignity having to get checked by the GIRLoclogist (My daughter says that is what they should be called since they only check girls) and have the support system to hear whatever news they have to tell me.

Survival is for the fittest but the fittest know that they are never alone. We have a creator who loves us so much that he has and never will leave us and he also in his all knowing made others to be with us as well. God knew way before the dawn of time that we were creations who needed company, support and strength from one another and so when he set out to create man he knew he needed to create woman as well. I wish my husband were able to take the time to go with me to my appointment but I also understand that is not a possibility right now but God placed these women in my life to be my support when I needed it. Philippians 2:4 tells us" Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." ESV. That is what these women have offered me. "Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality" Romans 12:13 ESV. and my favorite verse of all for a matter such as this: "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19 ESV. God has supplied all my needs. I have said it once and I will say it a thousand times HE is my rock and HE is my foundation and I know going to him and asking him to help me with the support I need he has answered my prayers.

Once again BE BLESSED IN HIM!

Survival 101

OK so these past couple of days I think I have learned more about survival than I have before. I decided to do what most people would call a field excercise in Survival. Alright so here is my findings:

Survival 101 

• The hardest thing to survive through is not all the tests and all the probbing your doctor does to you. The hardest thing to survive is the wait for all the results!! 

• Solution: Most would say grab a giant bottle of wine, or box of wine (hey I'm not judging your budget here if you would see mine you would see even a box of wine is too much for me) and lull yourself until the day of reckoning comes. I don't drink though so my solution is to surround yourself with the positives in life. For me that was my family but I had to come to the realization that my family is human and so my husband had a couple of bad days, my children had a couple of bad days and even my dogs did too. Let me tell you something about dogs and bad days. This is what my new, sweet, demon-like dog of mine did. I was sitting contemplating my life (yeah right like I am that philosphical...LOL more like me trying to count the individual blinds on my windows but allowing any one who saw me to think that I was deep in thought) when the puppy comes up to me with those sweet and big old puppy eyes and when my heart was about to break for his sweet little face he squats down right in front of me to relieve himself. Oh man was that NOT one of the positives in my life. But I digressed as I tend to do a lot. The positives include taking your daughters clothes shopping, while you chat and giggle together. The positives include going out to eat as a family and talking about absolutely nothing but the funny things you all do and then listening to live music while you wait for the movie you are planning to watch to start. Positives are going to your church for Wednesday Night dinner and having Karaoke instead and having the time of your life chatting with a great friend and her husband while your daughters are part of the waitstaff at the church and your son is in a different room enjoying his pizza and friends and your husband becomes the funniest part of the night when he goes and dances alongside the Pastor to a rendition of MY GIRL and ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!! LOL

• Everyone deals with stress at the same time you do!

• Oh was this one a difficult one for me. What do you mean everyone else has things going on when I have things going on?!?! How fair is that?! Well I thought ok I am here stressing over what has been going on with me and I forgot one of the most fundamental things in life. The world does not revolve around me as I would love it to be. How could I have gone in for my ultrasound and found out that they needed to go in further with the scope and all and think that the rest of the world just stopped because of my issues? Well I did think that. I got out of the clinic and called my sister who has been going through the same thing and we compared notes. I than go and pick up lunch at a local restaurant here to pick up lunch for my wonderful children who I assumed had been hard at work doing their school while I was out and their chores. I get to the restaurant and order my kids meals and my own which I was looking forward to trying, a buffalo chicken sandwich since I was craving buffalo chicken for so long, and when they give it to me I rush out the door quickly to get home to my sweet angels who I knew were hungry and waiting patiently with all their school work done, an emaculate house and well behaved kids. I get home to find out the puppy had destroyed a plush toy, the dishes were a mile high in the sink and the kids were arguing about who should do what along with their work only half done in school. OMG like my daughters say I was ready to throttle them!! I give them their kids meals to only discover that my sandwich, the one I was practically salivating for was missing. I check my car in case I left a bag behind or something and nothing!! NO sandwich!! What is that about? Did I get mad and want to curse God when my doctor told me they found a growth? NO but I was feeling like I just might over a silly sandwich! I get online with my receipt and remember the girl telling me about the feedback they desperately were hoping I would give them and thought "OK I'll give you my feedback little girl!" I go online and give the restaurant a horrible review stating that they failed to give me the sandwich I ordered and PAID for and went on to how can they be so inconsiderate and so on and so forth. Just last night I get a reply to my review and the Manager apologizes for my inconvience and all and would like to give me three free sandwiches because of my "pain and suffering". Pain and suffering? Really is that how I came across in my email? Wow were my prespective all screwed up! When I was there all I saw were wives of military men working and I for one know how hard it is to be a military spouse and I had to get all riled up because they forgot to place my sandwich in the bag? Why could I just not have been a good Christian and let it go and think at least my kids food was all there and it was delicious for them? Then that night my husband comes home and he is PISSED to say the least. I had been so in my own head I completely forgot to get those dishes I complained to the kids about done, I did not have the kids ready to leave for church and we were running late, and I didn't take into consideration that he had a very bad day at work. He just came in with such a sour disposition that I allowed my hot latin roots to take over and I flipped out. I went into the "ME, ME, ME" talk and never once considered his feelings. I drove off with both my girls and did not look back to see if he was close behind with our son. I get to church and still upset but get over quickly when I am greeted by all the beautiful friends I have made in church. When my husband arrives he apologizes to me but I have to learn I needed to apologize too. Was my day hard? Yea but his was too. And even though there are days where I hate being a part of military life I have to realize if it wasn't for the Army I would not have the benefits I do today. Without the benefits I would not have found out about the condition I am going through right now. So I have to realize that just because I had a "woe is me moment" doesn't mean others aren't having it either. Wow why doesn't the world get to revolve around me? 

• And last but certainly never least it is hard to survive a house filled to rim with hormones!
• I am now the mom of two young ladies if you catch my drift and as the old wives tale states women who live in the same house tend to snychornize their cycles and we have begun doing that. Oh my poor husband and son! Well these past couple of days this house has been full of raging emotions, feelings and well lets just be honest here this house is full of psychotic chicks. One would think as a woman I would be able to understand, relate and even be sympathetic to my daughters emotions and hormones. OK word to the wise I AM NOT! I love my children, I think I can for the most part be my children's biggest fan but when my daughters are in their psychotic moods at the same time mom here is in hers I am not the patient, loving and supportive mom. I turn into what my son calls a Cthulhu! If you do not know what this is it is a fictional creature who is a cross between an octopus, dragon and demon! I feel like my dad who always says funny stories about how his mom would turn into a blood hungry vampire when he misbehaved and she would be clawing up the walls to get him. I now know that it is true and God does have a sense of humor to put three women under one roof and allow them all to deal with their hormones in a totally different way. I am one I deal by retreating, becoming a loner, and just being down right miserable with myself. My oldest becomes extremely talkative, wanting attention, and taking everything everyone says taking it personally. My younger daughter gets angry, gets annoyed and just seems to loathe her brother even more than usual. So how you do survive a house being overrun by hormones? Well in this instance the best way to survive is to breathe, take everything one step at a time and then just wait it out.

Proverbs 31 is a very known passage in the Bible. It tells us women how the perfect Godly women should be. And if you are anything like me you struggle with achieving even half of what she does. I do not want to be discouraged though. I think we need to try our best and realize we are human and we make mistakes. You know I read the passage over and over again in just the 13 years that we have been married and each time I end it thinking wow I am a total failure! Let me enlighten you as to what I have learned now about my experience with the Proverbs 31 woman. Guess what she is almost impossible to reach her standards and alone we can not but that is the great thing that we are not alone in this world. God did not ever intend to create us and leave us alone he created us and placed us in family units. When we lean on other woman like our mothers, our sisters and our friends we learn and we grow through them. When we lean on our husbands and our children and have them help us achieve who we are meant to be we learn and we grow through them. When we lean on God he gives us the strength we need to overcome and to be the Proverbs 31 women we all have strived to be like.

"She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
 Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
 “Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate." Proverbs 31: 27-31 NIV

In closing, Survival is what you make of it. Are your children and your husband going to remember how you handle the circumstances life has thrown at you and call you blessed or are they going to call you cursed for your trials and tribulations. Lean on God. Lean on his strength and draw from him all that HE has to give. Survival is for the fittest and when we are running the good race if we run along with Christ we will finish the race strong when we meet him in the end and he will look us straight in the eyes and say: "Well done my GOOD AND FAITHFUL servant". Be strong and trust in the Lord for he is our rock, our fortress and our foundation.

Be blessed in HIM

Attempting To Go Strong

Well today was my ultrasound and I gotta say a part of me felt like a wimp during it. OK here is why: they tell me I have to drink at least 24 ounces of water before the ultrasound. In the past I have drank the 24 ounces of water and guess what it has never been enough so I decided to save myself time that I would go and drink double the amount of water because that is what in the past has work. Boy was that not good. OK so I drink 48 ounces of water before even leaving the house. I am still getting ready and I am well doing the dance, you know the dance, the one your toddler does when they are first getting potty trained. Oh my God I am freaking out about now and so I look at the paper the Radiology office gave me when I scheduled my appointment. It said if you can not hold it any longer go relieve yourself but do not empty your bladder, just enough to alieviate the discomfort. Sorry does this sound too gross?

So I tell my kids that mami needs to make a short stop and I run to the bathroom. BIG, VERY BIG MISTAKE! I did exactly what the paper said NOT to do. Do I really need to spell it out people? OK see I knew you all were smart. I pour myself more water in a bottle to take with me and on my drive to the Army Clinic I begin the process all over again. Well then here's the kicker. The bottle I had was only a 20 ounce bottle and so I was fearing they would tell me my bladder wasn't full enough. Boy was I wrong about 10 ounces in I am once again reduce to my inner toddler. Ugh! So I am now inside the Radiology at the Clinic when I am told: "Ma'am (let me stop you there, I know it is polite, and I know it is the Army but being called Ma'am is not something I like. In my mind I am still that young 20 year old who is too young to be anyone's Ma'am!) anyways where was I before I began my rant? Oh yes at the dreaded Clinic speaking to the clerk who called me Ma'am. He said "Ma'am I am sorry but the Technician is not in at the time so you will need to sit down and wait for him." SIT DOWN!! Are you kidding me?! I am here doing my toddler potty training dance and you want me to SIT? WAIT?? What in the blue blazes is this man smoking?! OK maybe a bit harsh but how can you ask someone who you told to have a full bladder to sit and wait?!?!?! Ugh so being the sweet, non-confrontational, quiet woman I am I nod at him, have a feeble attempt at a smile, and I sit down crossing my legs over and over and over again for 20 whole minutes!!

Oh but wait here comes the best part of my sitting in the lobby of the Radiology office. Are you ready for it? As I am sitting there praying over and over and over again "God please help me hold it in!" Out from the door where they call in the patients comes out this young, tall, handsome soldier who I thought was a patient and sits right in front of me in the lobby. I thought ok maybe he has to wait for a second part of his radiology but then after about 5 minutes of me sitting there behind him still praying the same prayer: "OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME HOLD IT IN!!" Its all in caps this time because I was in my mind screaming this prayer. I see soldier, lets call him: Soldier McHottie get up and talk to the clerk about what time it was and if his break was over? He was one of the techs!! Now my prayer changed to "PLEASE GOD DON'T LET HIM BE MY TECH BECAUSE I CAN BARELY HOLD IT IN, HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST ENLISTED (THIS IS HOW YOUNG HE WAS AND OH MY GOSH I JUST REALIZED I MAY BE OLD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE TO CALL ME A MA'AM IF I THOUGHT A POSSIBLE 18 YEAR OLD IS STILL A BABY) AND HOW CAN I HAVE SOMEONE THIS CUTE BE ALL UP WHERE MY FLUFFIES ARE? People let me clarify something for you all now. When I refer to my fluffies I am not being crude and speaking of anything unmentionable. My fluffies is my belly. I am trying to lose weight and have lost but I am still a big girl who has FLUFFIES.

15 minutes after praying that prayer God answered me. Again the door opens and a different tech calls out my name. I then had to ask God to forgive me because of my thoughts once I saw my tech. My thoughts were "OH THANK YOU JESUS HE IS FLUFFY TOO!"

I can not believe how horrible though having this ultrasound was! OK so as I have mentioned you have to have a full bladder and what do they do with this Ultrasound buisness? They press down on your bladder!! Oh my gosh I could barely talk and all I did was begin my original prayer from the lobby. I looked up to the ceiling and prayed: "OH GOD PLEASE LET ME HOLD IT IN!" Well apparently the ultrasound wasn't enough and they did have to do the scope. At this point I was nervous. They said they might need to do the scope if they saw something with the ultrasound and so I just closed my eyes, when the female tech came in because it had to be done internally, I must have come across as a total, total witch, I don't curse so that is the word I am using, but I felt like I was going to break down and cry so I just closed my eyes tight and prayed. This time because I no longer had to use the restroom my prayer was stronger. I prayed: "Dear Lord, I know you can do all things and what I ask for now is strength to be able to get through today and until I receive my results." And before I knew it the scope was over. I didn't look once and its ok because knowing me I would have probably made a tumor out of nothing in my head so it is good that I did not look.

God is with me through it all. Even the silly prayer of God please let me hold it in and if he answered that prayer why would I doubt he not answer my big prayer of keeping me strong through it all? The Bible tells us: "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Deutronomy 6:5 NIV and that is what I plan to do. It also tells us: "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7 NIV. So if I were to believe (which I do believe completely) that the Word of God is thr truth than I have to believe that even though I am scared because in my finite wisdom do not understand certain things or know why certain things have to happen I know God in his infinite wisdom knows what He is doing and that He and only He can give me the peace to withstand it all!

Thanks for listening (or better yet, reading) my craziness. I pray each of you that reads this learns to Survive and survive because God is your foundation. Be blessed in Him!

Why Learning to Survive?

I am the youngest daughter of three. I am the one in my family that would maybe be considered the quiet one, the shy one, the weak one, the one needing protecting. Please don't get me wrong because I love my parents and my sisters and they never I would say intentionally said I was any of those things it was more of my insecurities that allowed me to think that this is the way I had to be. My mother is such a beautiful, strong, successful Christian woman. She is revered for her strength and her knowledge not only in her job as a Social Worker but in her Knowledge of the word. She is everything I ever wanted to be and when the shoes are these big to fill it makes one feel that they are never going to reach the worthiness. Then there is my father. My outgoing, charasmatic, handsome, strong father. He is the life of the party even when there never even seemed to be a party. He could easily strike a conversation with anyone anywhere about anything. I would look at him and secretly wish that I was just like him. That people would revolve around me hanging on my every word. Oh he would leave me in awe just seeing him "perform" for everyone whether he was at work, at his Dojo, or church he was the one everyone gravitated to. Oh but I am not done. Then there is my oldest sister. Oh my does she take after my dad. She is just as charasmatic as him. She has such a gift of gab. She is so smart that I would always wonder "Is there anything that she doesn't know?", her beauty I would envy because as pale as I am she has the tanned look I could NEVER acquire. She is successful in life having found a man who loves her completely for who she is. Her kids adore her. And even though she may not be a teacher by profession (that is what I am striving for now) she can teach you something and make you understand it in ways you never thought you could. Seriously this is what I have to live up to? But wait that is not all my family. I still have another sister, another older sister. This sister has a successful financial life, she too has a husband who seems to adore her, she picked herself up after a divorce to meet the man that she truly belonged with and never seemed to lose herself in the divorce. She is gorgeous. And when I mean gorgeous I mean take Barbie, make her hispanic with long, wavy, jet black hair and that is my sister. She has the perfect body, the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect job, and now after many years of trying has one of the most perfect toddlers ever that she adopted. OK people this is what I had to "live" up to in my mind! I still to this day do not know how I have not ended in some mental hospital in a stray jacket, sitting in a padded cell, in the fetal position, crying and muttering: "I'm not worthy!" But I haven't.

Listen this is in no way shape or form to make my family feel bad because growing up I never heard negativity from any of them. On the contrary I heard only positive reinforcement from ALL of them and still do today but I allowed insecurity into my life and into my heart and my mind. Do I have a perfect life? In no way, shape or form do I? Do I have a miserable life? Again in no way, shape or form do I. Do my parents or sisters have a perfect life? Even though in my mind I trick myself to think they do and sometimes hold them in such a high standard they do not. Its just sometimes we can not get outside of our own heads, out side of our own little universe and see the reality in the lives of others. Do you know the very first time I saw myself as strong and as a survivor of my current situation? It was 12 1/2 years ago when I had my first child. I was 21 years old! It took me 21 years to see me in any kind of capacity that I had a strength inside of me. My first labor last 36 hours and I refused to fall apart even though the pain was unbearable the first 24 hours I went without an epidural (I know, I know you all are probably going: "Is this woman out of her flipping mind going 24 hours without an epidural? But I listened to intently in Lamaze when they mentioned all the bad side effects of having it and opted for the pain. Needless to say with baby #2 and baby #3 I walked into the delivery room exposing my back and demanding the Anesthesiologist even before the Obstetrician. But that confidence in my uber mother ability went out the door the next day when I was left alone with the baby and she started turning purple in her bassinet and I was over 10 paces away and having stitches from my Episiotomy made it extremely painful to run to her as my instincts told me to do and I broke down crying and screaming hysterically for my husband who was down the hall trying to score some free pudding at the nurses station. Needless to say my daughter is 12 1/2 now and extremely healthy but that day was one of the worst in my life.

Why do I feel I need to learn to survive? Easy because just when I think I have my life right where I want it. Right when I feel like I am in a place where I feel at ease I learn how wrong I really am. I do have a great life. I have an amazing husband who I know loves me, supports me, cares for me and puts up with me because I know I can be sometimes difficult to love (even though I refuse to admit it). I have three children who are amazing. Each different and unique in their own way. Each so intelligent, caring and growing up in the Lord. But with the struggles in my life I feel I do need to learn to survive. I am the youngest in my family yet I am the one the Lord chose to leave the nest because my family is all back in Orlando, FL while I am here in El Paso, TX because I am married to a soldier. I am the one who had to say goodbye to my husband for 8 months while he went to training for the Army. I was the one who said goodbye again after a short 2 months together when he deployed to Iraq and had to be a single mom while being thousands of miles away from my parents, sisters and friends. I knew no one when my husband deployed and I had to find my way in this new world. I had to learn to survive then. I did with the help of my God. The word tells us: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28 NIV and that is what I had to do. Do you know how I learned to survive? I took it ALL to God. I took the big things to him. I took the little things to him. I left it all at the cross and let him take care of me. Oh but is that really surviving you might ask? Of course it is. I am a broken person. I am not whole. I once heard a preacher say if you are paralyzed do you still try to walk or do you use a wheelchair? If you break a leg do you continue to walk on it or do you use crutches? Of course you use your crutch and allow your foot to heal and get stronger to keep going on. It does not make us weak to realize we are broken and need Jesus as a crutch but it does make us weak to not realize we need the help until we can withstand and sometimes the time we can withstand is when we are up in glory with our Lord and he looks at us and tells us "Well done my good and faithful servant" and then we are no longer broken and no longer need the crutch.

Right now I am battling again with needing to lean on God. I received word from my doctor that is neither good or bad but alarming none the less. I was diagnosed back in 2008 with Pre-Cancerous Cervical Cancer Cells. I never got any treatment because I did not have health insurance and truth be told waiting so long I allowed myself to think all that I was feeling, going through was my normal. It took my sister having to receive intensive treatment for a very similiar condition to kick me in the pants and get me to realize I had forgotten about my health and so I called the doctor. When I saw the doctor right away they said they saw a growth. I was scheduled today for an ultrasound that unfortunately got rescheduled for Wednesday to find out the size and extent of the growth while we wait on biopsy results. I then have an appointment once everything should be in on the 1st to discuss all the results with the Specialist. Am I scared? YEAH! I gave myself the first day to mourn whatever I felt the need to mourn, I cried about not only the pre-diagnosis but about if it turns out to be the worse case scenario what will happen to my husband and my children. I gave myself the day to be angry but not with God because I know all things happen for a reason and for his purpose but I was angry that I allowed myself all this time and did not cherish it the way I should have. Then I pulled out the word. I found this verse: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27 NIV and I realized God is totally in control. I can not by worrying, crying and pitching a hissy fit change any outcome so I have to trust in God. I have to trust that either his plan is to allow the doctors the wisdom to treat me the way that I need it or he will bring me home and take care of my family as well. I have learned to Let it all go and leave it to God. I have learned I am going to be a Survivor one way or another because through it all HE and only HE has made me a Survivor. And like the old song says: "I will survive!" because I have the greatest foundation on which to stand. He will be my crutch through this until I can stand on my own through HIS power and HIS grace and not my own. Surviving is not what we do for ourselves it is what God does for us!