Well we are exactly one week away from my surgery. One week and I will be cancer free! One week and all the suffering I have been undergoing with treatment ends. One week and I will hopefully be free of taking hormones. One week and even though I know I will be in pain from the surgery the pain the tumor has caused will be gone, the fear will be gone, the stress will be gone and most importantly the anger will be gone.
Readers I know I started my journey positively and humorously but lately I have not felt either. Lately I have felt anger and I can not truly explain it. I am not angry at anyone, after all it is no ones fault I have cancer, but I have been angry. I know I am on hormones and they have made me a bit crazy, a bit wacky, a bit looney and a whole lot of psycho but I have been angry at my situation and angry at being made to feel inadequate, feel stressed, feel sick, and feel like I have no idea who is this person I see when I look in the mirror. I hate lately that I can not be the woman I know I am. I hate that I have to depend on help and that is not something I take very easily. My oldest daughter has been amazing. She takes such amazing care of her mom when her mom is so sick to her stomach with the hormones, when her mom is cranky, tired and even depressed. She may only be 12 but in just this short amount of time she has grown and she has taken on more responsibility than any 12 year ever should. And even though I am proud of her I am angry about that. I am her mom. The one who should do it all for her. Take care of her. Be there for her and yet she has had to grow up faster than I want her to because mom needs extra help. It angers me!
Than comes my other two children. They are regular kids who love to play, love to laugh, love to fight with one another and I sometimes gets so stressed that its hard to even play with them, laugh or even just be with them. There are days where it is virtually impossible to get up and out of bed and all they want is to come and jump on my bed, and play and laugh but I am so sick I have to kick them out and see the hurt look in their eyes. That angers me as well! I am a mom who loves to play, who loves to have fun, who loves to be with her kids 24/7 and yet I am not able to lately. I feel like I am missing out on all the fun with them. I hate that there are days where they have to come in my room and ask me if I need anything, if I am okay, if they can even come and cuddle with me? I want to be my old self again.
My husband has to pick up the slack lately. He has to be both mom and dad at times but how is that possible when most of the day he is not home because of work? How is is possible when he spent so long away from the kids that he really doesn't know the routine, doesn't know what they are learning in school, what their interest necessarily are? I am not mad at him. He never chose to be away for so long it was his job, his career in the Army that has forced him to be away for such a time frame but its hard. Not to mention that as most of you ladies know when dad has to be in charge dad does not necessarily do things the same way mom does things and mom can and most often will want things done her way, the right way, and they don't get done like that. Right now as I sit here writing this post my husband is stuck in some training class while the kids and I are home. The kids "attempted" to clean and all yet only two rooms in this large house got done. I did all I could but I get so tired so easily, I get sick to my stomach so easily, and too much movement of any kind, even walking, and I am in pain that radiates from my back and abdomen to my legs and feet. I am angry that even my house is in shambles and I can not do anything fully on it. My husband wont be able to get the full time off that I need him to get for my recovery which will lead me to be somehow either doing all for myself on my own or depending on my kids, which I hate to think I have to do that, and that angers me. Again it is no ones fault it just is but the anger is still there because of all of this.
So who am I angry at? Cancer. I am angry that this word even entered my life. I am angry that it has turned my not so picture perfect life and made it feel more and more like a nightmare I haven't been able to wake up from. I'm angry its taken over my life, even if I try to hide the fact that it does, and the life of those I love. I am just angry! I never thought as a Christian I could, correction, should be an angry person but I am. I just can not allow the anger to control me and so I pray each and every day that God gives me the strength to overcome this anger. I ask that each and everyone of you reading my blog could pray that my anger towards this go away. I ask that you please pray that I can find the peace soon. I pray that once I am cancer free and fully healed I can be back to my lighthearted ways and that I can once again find God's peace, God's joy and God's comfort in my life again.
I am not sure if I will make another post before my surgery. Even typing this up really is difficult because not only is my area where I sit to write my posts not the most comfortable but sitting with my feet down for too long hurts my back, and swells my legs up but just taking the energy to write is a lot on me right now. If I do not write a post before my surgery please continue to hold me in your prayers.
And as always....
Be Blessed in HIM!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Confenrences, Hormones and the Flu.... OH MY!
Wow readers it has been a long time since I have posted a blog post and I am sorry about that. For the most part I have either been out of town or I have been sick. Truth be told I am still not feeling well but I wanted to get a blog post in.
I have mixed feelings about last weekend. I went to Dallas for a Youth Leader Conference and can I say it was amazing. YSpalooza was so informative, so enlightening, so educational and can I just say it was downright fun but my mixed emotions come from the fact that I was sick maybe 75% of the time I was there. I hated that my friends and fellow Youth Leaders had to practically take care of me and for a person who does not like to show weakness, for a person who does not like to have to ask for help, for a person who just really needed this time to learn, enjoy and relax I had to be sick through most of it. I am grateful for these amazing woman who selflessly took care of me even when I felt terrible having to have them do so. The car ride over there was 12 hours long. Yes readers you read that right it was 12 hours long! Correction because of my getting sick I think I bumped the time up to about 13 hours having to ask them several times to pull over. Oh but even through it all the car ride was not all bad. I mean we got to really bond with each other after spending all that time in the car, after spending all that time in the hotel room together, after spending all that time together in the conference, the restaurants, heck its a miracle we still like each other instead of being sick of each other after 4 days. We learned so much as well in this conference. We learned how to better guide, instruct and lead our teens, we came back with enthusiasm and we even learned how to be better with our church, our teens and most of all our families. How to give ourselves time for our own families as well. We met other amazing Youth Leaders who became more like mentors in the process. This past weekend was great expect for dealing with the hormones that had me so sick most of the time.
One night during the trip to Dallas I got so sick I spent most of the night running to the restroom because the hormones had me so sick to my stomach that not even water I could hold in. I debated on even continuing to go back to bed each time because I was so tired after a bit but one thought kept running through my head: "What if my friends wake up in the morning and do not see me in my bed, then find me asleep on the bathroom floor they might think they have a friend who is a drug addict and instead of driving me to the conference they might drive me to a Rehab Center instead." The thought of my friends, my church friends, thinking I needed rehab kept giving me the strength to make it back to my bed each and every time I felt too weak to move. Oh my could you imagine the call that would of been made home if they thought I was a drug addict after finding me sprawled on the bathroom floor? "Ummm sorry Pastor but even though she came for a Youth Leader Conference we had to leave Evy behind in Dallas because we believe she might be addicted to crack and she is in a 90 day program." Oh the mortification! I stayed in bed that morning after talking with my friends and explaining to them my intense night of running back and forth from the bed to the bathroom and they were so understanding. They brought me a trash can in case I got sick again and brought me toast, 7 Up, yogurt and such and even placed the "Do Not Disturb" sign so I could finally get some rest. Oh they are so wonderful and I am blessed that I have the privilege to work alongside them in the church. I was better by noon and went to lunch with them (even if I could barely eat anything) and attended the last half of the conference that day even though after playing some of the games I got sick again and ran to the restroom one last time. I had called my doctor who told me to suspend taking the hormones and that she would adjust them for me when I returned to El Paso. Oh readers the joy I felt when she said that. I felt like I was a princess riding around on a purple unicorn spreading pixie dust throughout the land of "No Hormones!" Oh it was beautiful! Seriously readers if you ever have to be on hormones you will have my sympathies but if you ever get the opportunity to get off of hormones you will have congratulations. It feels great being off of them!! But there is one problem to getting off the hormones and that is that your cycle (if you still have them) comes back full force with a vengeance! It is like some baby momma trying to collect her child support from you and she beats you relentlessly until she gets her money! This is what I am facing now and I have to tell you it really, really kicks you where the God Lord split you! And do you know what the cure for this is ladies and gentlemen? Let me share with you: HORMONES! Triple the dosage on the first day, Double the dosage on the second day and back to Single dosages if it stops. If it doesn't repeat that pyramid again! Talk about being sick to your stomach!
Oh but if that is not enough readers try adding the flu to the mix! Ugh! Before I left for Dallas my wonderful kiddos and even my dogs all had the flu! I come back and what do I get readers? That's right, ding, ding, ding! The FLU!! 1 million points to all who answered correctly!! Oh man add triple dosage of hormones, add cramping, add body aches, coughing and now my wonderful Minnie Mouse on helium voice sounds like fog horn mixed with a hacking cough. Seriously readers my poor body feels like it has taken a beating and does not want to keep on ticking. I am just tired, I am worn down and I am just plain exhausted. I thought the worse would come with the surgery and afterwards but the worse seems now.
"He [Jesus] said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34. I take comfort that even though right now I feel like I want to just be wrapped up in a blanket and cared for because I feel so weak I know God is doing that for me right now. He has healed me. Tomorrow we celebrate Easter. We celebrate when Jesus took all our sins, all our sickness, all our sorrows and left them on the cross and tomorrow I will celebrate not only that Jesus died for me, He had a full bodily Resurrection, He saved me and gave me eternal life but that He healed me. I know I am suffering now but my suffering is nothing compared to the suffering He underwent on that cross and I am thankful that He did it all for me. And He did it all for you too readers. Take heart and know that He will be there for you as He is there for me. Loving me, guiding me, caring for me.
Thank you for your continued prayers readers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
I have mixed feelings about last weekend. I went to Dallas for a Youth Leader Conference and can I say it was amazing. YSpalooza was so informative, so enlightening, so educational and can I just say it was downright fun but my mixed emotions come from the fact that I was sick maybe 75% of the time I was there. I hated that my friends and fellow Youth Leaders had to practically take care of me and for a person who does not like to show weakness, for a person who does not like to have to ask for help, for a person who just really needed this time to learn, enjoy and relax I had to be sick through most of it. I am grateful for these amazing woman who selflessly took care of me even when I felt terrible having to have them do so. The car ride over there was 12 hours long. Yes readers you read that right it was 12 hours long! Correction because of my getting sick I think I bumped the time up to about 13 hours having to ask them several times to pull over. Oh but even through it all the car ride was not all bad. I mean we got to really bond with each other after spending all that time in the car, after spending all that time in the hotel room together, after spending all that time together in the conference, the restaurants, heck its a miracle we still like each other instead of being sick of each other after 4 days. We learned so much as well in this conference. We learned how to better guide, instruct and lead our teens, we came back with enthusiasm and we even learned how to be better with our church, our teens and most of all our families. How to give ourselves time for our own families as well. We met other amazing Youth Leaders who became more like mentors in the process. This past weekend was great expect for dealing with the hormones that had me so sick most of the time.
One night during the trip to Dallas I got so sick I spent most of the night running to the restroom because the hormones had me so sick to my stomach that not even water I could hold in. I debated on even continuing to go back to bed each time because I was so tired after a bit but one thought kept running through my head: "What if my friends wake up in the morning and do not see me in my bed, then find me asleep on the bathroom floor they might think they have a friend who is a drug addict and instead of driving me to the conference they might drive me to a Rehab Center instead." The thought of my friends, my church friends, thinking I needed rehab kept giving me the strength to make it back to my bed each and every time I felt too weak to move. Oh my could you imagine the call that would of been made home if they thought I was a drug addict after finding me sprawled on the bathroom floor? "Ummm sorry Pastor but even though she came for a Youth Leader Conference we had to leave Evy behind in Dallas because we believe she might be addicted to crack and she is in a 90 day program." Oh the mortification! I stayed in bed that morning after talking with my friends and explaining to them my intense night of running back and forth from the bed to the bathroom and they were so understanding. They brought me a trash can in case I got sick again and brought me toast, 7 Up, yogurt and such and even placed the "Do Not Disturb" sign so I could finally get some rest. Oh they are so wonderful and I am blessed that I have the privilege to work alongside them in the church. I was better by noon and went to lunch with them (even if I could barely eat anything) and attended the last half of the conference that day even though after playing some of the games I got sick again and ran to the restroom one last time. I had called my doctor who told me to suspend taking the hormones and that she would adjust them for me when I returned to El Paso. Oh readers the joy I felt when she said that. I felt like I was a princess riding around on a purple unicorn spreading pixie dust throughout the land of "No Hormones!" Oh it was beautiful! Seriously readers if you ever have to be on hormones you will have my sympathies but if you ever get the opportunity to get off of hormones you will have congratulations. It feels great being off of them!! But there is one problem to getting off the hormones and that is that your cycle (if you still have them) comes back full force with a vengeance! It is like some baby momma trying to collect her child support from you and she beats you relentlessly until she gets her money! This is what I am facing now and I have to tell you it really, really kicks you where the God Lord split you! And do you know what the cure for this is ladies and gentlemen? Let me share with you: HORMONES! Triple the dosage on the first day, Double the dosage on the second day and back to Single dosages if it stops. If it doesn't repeat that pyramid again! Talk about being sick to your stomach!
Oh but if that is not enough readers try adding the flu to the mix! Ugh! Before I left for Dallas my wonderful kiddos and even my dogs all had the flu! I come back and what do I get readers? That's right, ding, ding, ding! The FLU!! 1 million points to all who answered correctly!! Oh man add triple dosage of hormones, add cramping, add body aches, coughing and now my wonderful Minnie Mouse on helium voice sounds like fog horn mixed with a hacking cough. Seriously readers my poor body feels like it has taken a beating and does not want to keep on ticking. I am just tired, I am worn down and I am just plain exhausted. I thought the worse would come with the surgery and afterwards but the worse seems now.
"He [Jesus] said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34. I take comfort that even though right now I feel like I want to just be wrapped up in a blanket and cared for because I feel so weak I know God is doing that for me right now. He has healed me. Tomorrow we celebrate Easter. We celebrate when Jesus took all our sins, all our sickness, all our sorrows and left them on the cross and tomorrow I will celebrate not only that Jesus died for me, He had a full bodily Resurrection, He saved me and gave me eternal life but that He healed me. I know I am suffering now but my suffering is nothing compared to the suffering He underwent on that cross and I am thankful that He did it all for me. And He did it all for you too readers. Take heart and know that He will be there for you as He is there for me. Loving me, guiding me, caring for me.
Thank you for your continued prayers readers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
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