What a year 2012 has been. There have been so many memorable moments. From ups to downs. From having my personal aha moments to my come to Jesus moments to even the ha ha ha moments in my life. I don't know about you readers but I am grateful that all things have a season. Even the good things. I love, absolutely love my children but I am so grateful that they are the age they are now. Even though I joke and tease them saying how I missed their baby years I am so glad not to be in that stage of my life right now. I am so grateful for no longer having to worry about midnight feedings, about 2 am diaper changes where your eyes are half closed so you leave one little butt cheek out in the wind because at that time of the morning the concept of those little tape things do not seem to be understandable. Or what about the boy and getting sprayed right in the forehead because you did not have enough foresight to cover him up before the cold air hit him so now you have pee running down your face all while you try to find a wipe to clean off your face. No I do not miss that in the slightest. Now when I want my baby fix I just get it at work with my little ones but my nights are filled with sweet, sweet dreams instead of bottles and diapers.
2012 has had its moments. It has taught me so much and has given me wonderful blessings and even trials and tribulations but it all comes for a season.
JANUARY: well we were in an adjustment period at this time in our lives as we were getting used to having dad back home from Iraq and getting used to family life, time and schedule again. But by this time we were adjusting rather beautifully thank God.
FEBRUARY: my second daughter turned 11 and became a member of our churches Youth Group. This was an adjustment for her but one she is doing beautifully with now. I began blogging my journey about my life. And my youth group participated in their very first 30 hour famine where we exceeded the funds we hoped to raise for World Vision to help starving children.
MARCH: Sammy and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have had a marriage of ups and downs but our love keeps us going strong. I received my Uterine Cancer diagnosis. Was placed on hormones (hate hormones by the way!) and went to my very first ever Youth leader conference (hope its not my last cause I enjoyed it even while sick) to Dallas. Never been to DALLAS!
APRIL: I had my hysterectomy which pushed me into full blown menopause at the age of 34. My mom came to stay with me for a week to care for me. My children and husband had to learn what life without mom being able to do it all was like.
MAY: OK May was fun. Our church hosted a "I kicked cancer's butt" party and they had Jeff Anderson who I love how he sings and Esterlyn who my daughter loves how they sing perform at our church. It was awesome. We also wrapped up the homeschool year and the kids did wonderfully! I also began radiation.
JUNE: Ooh ooh June was fun too! We went on a retreat paid for by the Army to Ruidoso, NM and it is beautiful over there. And on our way home we saw snow, snow in JUNE?!?! And we saw all these different wild animals and then we came home and participated in our first ever Relay for Life. Something that we will make a yearly event always. I finished radiation.
JULY: I started job searching and received a job here on base but it took longer than a month for them to process my paperwork and give me my start date. I also got my very first fun hairstyle with the blue green streaks. And my sister ended the month by coming to visit with her husband and I met my nephew for the first time ever!
AUGUST: I got my job at the daycare. A job I feel I was meant to have. Something that I know I am good at. My oldest turned 13 years old! Big milestone. All my kids began Public School.
SEPTEMBER: I turned 35. I found out my husband was deploying with a month and a half notice. September was not a good month.
OCTOBER: we were getting ready to say goodbye again to my husband. Then my in-laws came to visit us. I was diagnosed once again with cancer but this time in the Ovaries. And I got my new temperpedic bed. Halloween night was our last night with my husband and the memories of that night I believe we will remember always. Also the night before he left my husband finally got down on bended knee and gave me the proposal I had been waiting 13 years for.
NOVEMBER: we said goodbye to husband. He re-enlisted for another 3 years. Very emotional and hard day. We celebrated husband's birthday for the third year in a row without him. My son turned 10! My first year NOT cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Began chemo. Withdrew kids from Public School due to issues and began homeschooling again.
DECEMBER: Well here we are. In this month I cut my hair short for the first time. I then began to lose my hair and now I am bald. I am learning to continue to survive this crazy life of mine. I am currently on break from chemo and will begin again after the New Year.
I am looking forward to a year in 2013 where health is the main focus. As you can see health plagued a good part of 2012 but I look forward to a better health in 2013. I look forward to continuing my journey in hopes that maybe through my blog and my journey I can make a difference in the life of others. Thanks for reading alongside me readers. I look forward to more and more time together in 2013.
And as always:
Be BLESSED in HIM!!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Learning Who Am I?
Why Me? I keep asking myself this same question lately but maybe not
in the way you may think. I am not asking why me because I got cancer,
or why me because I lost my hair, or even why me because my husband is
deployed during Christmas. I am asking why me because of all the
blessings and the love I am receiving.
Why do these amazing people care for me so much to do what they do for me? I have friends who I have only known for a year who love me so much that they shaved their heads for me when I shaved mine just so I would not feel alone. Why me? I have someone who annoymously sent me a $100 gift card in the mail for my family and I to have a good Christmas. Why me? I was gifted yet again a bike for my son, again annoymously, to give him something I could not afford to buy myself. Why me? I was gifted annoymously a Christmas dinner for my kids and I? Again why me? I was loved so much that when I began Chemo my church family decided to arrange meals for me on the days that I received Chemo because on those days it is hard for me to have even energy to walk down the hall let alone cook for my children Why me? Many of the woman in my church cut their hair for me when I first decided to cut mine and was nervous about going short just to provide me with support along with my sister and niece. Why me? Prayers have been lifted up for me all over the world through various family, friends and army wives for my healing. Why me?
I feel so much love lately. I cry with emotion. I cry filled with love. I am writing this right now and am sitting here crying and thanking God for his many, many blessings in my life and then it hits me. This is why me! It is not about me. It is about God and his love for me. He has placed this situation in my life, He has placed these people in my life, He has placed these blessings in my life. Pastor yesterday during his sermon, and yes Pastor see I listen (LOL), was saying that all the situations in our lives, the good and the bad, were placed there by God for a specific divine reason. God allowed cancer to invade my body but maybe to show me that even through the darkness his light shines through.
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Thank you readers for your prayers. Thank you for all your blessings. I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas filled with the love that comes with our Savior Jesus Christ.
Be Blessed in HIM
Why do these amazing people care for me so much to do what they do for me? I have friends who I have only known for a year who love me so much that they shaved their heads for me when I shaved mine just so I would not feel alone. Why me? I have someone who annoymously sent me a $100 gift card in the mail for my family and I to have a good Christmas. Why me? I was gifted yet again a bike for my son, again annoymously, to give him something I could not afford to buy myself. Why me? I was gifted annoymously a Christmas dinner for my kids and I? Again why me? I was loved so much that when I began Chemo my church family decided to arrange meals for me on the days that I received Chemo because on those days it is hard for me to have even energy to walk down the hall let alone cook for my children Why me? Many of the woman in my church cut their hair for me when I first decided to cut mine and was nervous about going short just to provide me with support along with my sister and niece. Why me? Prayers have been lifted up for me all over the world through various family, friends and army wives for my healing. Why me?
I feel so much love lately. I cry with emotion. I cry filled with love. I am writing this right now and am sitting here crying and thanking God for his many, many blessings in my life and then it hits me. This is why me! It is not about me. It is about God and his love for me. He has placed this situation in my life, He has placed these people in my life, He has placed these blessings in my life. Pastor yesterday during his sermon, and yes Pastor see I listen (LOL), was saying that all the situations in our lives, the good and the bad, were placed there by God for a specific divine reason. God allowed cancer to invade my body but maybe to show me that even through the darkness his light shines through.
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Thank you readers for your prayers. Thank you for all your blessings. I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas filled with the love that comes with our Savior Jesus Christ.
Be Blessed in HIM
Friday, December 7, 2012
Learning to Hear God Even Through All The Noise
As I lie here in bed I have come to think and contemplate on a couple of things. I love quiet times when you can allow your heart and your mind to think on things. First off I was thinking about the people in my life. I have been blessed with some amazing people and I have had people put in my life to teach me valuable lessons on tolerance, forgiveness and even patience and self control. I want to focus on the first set of people. God blessed me 30 some years ago placing me in the family that He did. I love that my family is passionate, is loving, and comes through for one another no matter the cost, the situation or even the circumstance. My parents taught my sisters and I growing up to be good Christians who put others ahead of ourselves and so I am blessed that I have such an amazing support system in them. Even though they are far away right now I know they all would love to be here for me but can not right now and that is ok because God has blessed me enough already here. I know their prayers are constant for me and that is what keeps me going. I know their love for me is neverending and so I through their strength can draw on my own strength from the Lord. I was blessed 14 years ago meeting the man that would become my best friend, my husband, my support and my amazing rock. He too is far away but even though he is far from me right now I can just look into his eyes through that computer screen when we Skype and know two things: One he would drop everything and come home to care for me, and Two he loves me so much. He might be exhausted from one mission or another but he tries to video call us at least 3 times a week just to check in on us. I know some husband don't do that all the time but he does and him missing those moments to sleep just to talk to us means the world to me. Some days I wish I showed my gratitude better than just a simple smile or a meek sounding thanks because I am so tired myself. I have been blessed with three amazing kids who make me feel like everything will always be alright because when they look at me and smile my heart sings. Even though they got dealt with the short end of the deal as kids with a deployed dad and sick mom they don't complain, they don't gripe they just roll with the punches and get on with their lives. I am so proud of each of them. I hear so many people complain about one thing or another and wonder to myself: Seriously this is your life altering, life changing, debilitating moment in your life? Look at what my kids face on a daily basis and they find their strength to get up each and every morning and deal with it. I think about my friends back home who call, text, or now that I am phoneless send me Facebook messages telling me that they love me and how much they would like to come see me. It makes me miss them more and more. I think about my new friends here in El Paso. God granted me after much prayer to find just one good friend to make this life away from home somewhat bearable with so many amazing and wonderful new friends. I am truly blessed when I think of them too. I may not have chosen my family but I am blessed with them. I did chose my husband and I am blessed with him. I chose to have each of my children and they have blessed me beyond belief. I chose my friends back home and they are a blessing in and of itself. But my friends here in El Paso I know I did not chose, I know God chose them for me knowing I would need these amazing people in my life.
Then I began thinking about something a co-worker said to me today. I am blessed with an amazing set of women that I work with but one of the ladies said something that at first hit me or struck me the wrong way but then I started to think on it and really mull it over. I have had to cut drastically my hours at work. Chemo is not very conducive for working long hours on ones feet, running around after Pre-Toddlers and Toddlers alike. When I went to clock out one of my co-workers passed me in the hall and with her very tired face as she went to help my replacement with my class she said: Oh Mrs. Evy you are so lucky! I know she meant it because I get to leave by 10:15 every morning and she was saying it in an envious way like Oh why can't I get a break and leave early which kinda got me all defensive at first but even though I wanted to open my mouth and say: "Really? Lucky?? Let me tell you what I am going through!!" (not all my co-workers know about my health situation by the way) I felt the need, the urgency to just SHUT MY MOUTH! This woman I work with is a sweet young lady, she is tired from her long hours, she has her own situations to deal with and she has every right to say what she felt without some stressed out, over tired, over sensitive, 5 foot nothing of Latina fury coming at her. She did not mean it, I know, in any mean spirited way but at first I took it like that. I have to allow God to lead my spirit in a time like this. I can only shutter to think what would have happened to my wonderful work relationship with her and the others if I went full force and yelled at her saying what I wanted to say which was: "LUCKY?!?!?! HOW AM I LUCKY WHEN I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO, WHEN MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED AND I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, WHEN I AM WONDERING HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT LIFE KEEPS WANTING TO THROW AT ME!!!!!!" See how this would have probably led to some sort of conflict? I love that God knows everything and does not allow me to make such HUGE mistakes as this when I am struggling to know my place in this world. I smiled, maybe not genuinely, but, I smiled and I told her yea I guess so as I walked over to the office to go and clock out. On my ride home I began to stew over her comment. I know petty and childish but I stewed anyways. I wondered how this woman could think I was LUCKY when I felt like nothing, absolutely nothing was going my way. I began to talk to myself on my drive home, even insisting on going through the main road with all the stop lights instead of getting on the highway and shooting straight on home very quickly because I was being such a baby and wanting to stew over the silliest of comments. I was saying things like, how lucky am I really with my paycheck being cut more than half of what I used to bring home? How am I lucky that I have to have chemo and have begun losing my hair? How lucky am I that if I try to eat even one lousy Bean Burrito from Taco Bell I wind up vomitting uncontrollably (this happened yesterday when I had the biggest craving for Taco Bell) and how lucky am I that my husband is deployed essentially leaving me a single mother right now. This last comment stopped me dead in my tracks of self pity and self loathing. You see this woman works such long hours to support her two children that she raises all alone, not because her husband is deployed but because she really is a single mom while I am a "single mom" for a small season of my life until my husband comes home again. This woman is currently working such long hours because she needs the money to find a home for her and her two kids. This woman anytime I have ever asked her for anything at work has always been more than helpful to me even though I am just the part timer and she works full time. This woman never meant her comment maliciously and for some reason whether it was the hormones, the lack of sleep or just me being a bit touchy I chose to take the comment for something it never was. God spoke to me through my noise in my head telling me I had every right to be bitter and sour and told me that I need to pretty much get over myself and realize hey she has her feelings and I have mine. She has her situations and I have mine. I can pray for her situations and she and others can pray for mine. I can be the God that she sees or I can be the world that she sees and the choice is mine. I humbled myself right then and there. I stopped my own woe is me and prayed to God please allow me to empty myself of myself and fill myself of HIM.
God can talk to us through it all. Whether we are having our quiet time with him, we are in the midst of trials, or even when we are in the midst of rejoicing. God can speak to us through others, like my son who has begun his Christmas Countdown focusing on Jesus and not Santa or the toys. He can speak to us through the noise too like when we are waging an internal war with ourselves. God is in the midst of it all and we need to focus more and more on Him. He speaks to us each and every day but it is up to us to listen to Him. I am learning to do just that. I want to become closer to God, to know that I am in a deeper and greater relationship with Him. I want to hear Him in the quiet and in the noise, I want to hear Him when in trials and when in rejoicing. I want to be closer to HIM.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28
"My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 21:1-5
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God." John 8:47
Thank you readers for all your continued prayers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Then I began thinking about something a co-worker said to me today. I am blessed with an amazing set of women that I work with but one of the ladies said something that at first hit me or struck me the wrong way but then I started to think on it and really mull it over. I have had to cut drastically my hours at work. Chemo is not very conducive for working long hours on ones feet, running around after Pre-Toddlers and Toddlers alike. When I went to clock out one of my co-workers passed me in the hall and with her very tired face as she went to help my replacement with my class she said: Oh Mrs. Evy you are so lucky! I know she meant it because I get to leave by 10:15 every morning and she was saying it in an envious way like Oh why can't I get a break and leave early which kinda got me all defensive at first but even though I wanted to open my mouth and say: "Really? Lucky?? Let me tell you what I am going through!!" (not all my co-workers know about my health situation by the way) I felt the need, the urgency to just SHUT MY MOUTH! This woman I work with is a sweet young lady, she is tired from her long hours, she has her own situations to deal with and she has every right to say what she felt without some stressed out, over tired, over sensitive, 5 foot nothing of Latina fury coming at her. She did not mean it, I know, in any mean spirited way but at first I took it like that. I have to allow God to lead my spirit in a time like this. I can only shutter to think what would have happened to my wonderful work relationship with her and the others if I went full force and yelled at her saying what I wanted to say which was: "LUCKY?!?!?! HOW AM I LUCKY WHEN I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO, WHEN MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED AND I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, WHEN I AM WONDERING HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT LIFE KEEPS WANTING TO THROW AT ME!!!!!!" See how this would have probably led to some sort of conflict? I love that God knows everything and does not allow me to make such HUGE mistakes as this when I am struggling to know my place in this world. I smiled, maybe not genuinely, but, I smiled and I told her yea I guess so as I walked over to the office to go and clock out. On my ride home I began to stew over her comment. I know petty and childish but I stewed anyways. I wondered how this woman could think I was LUCKY when I felt like nothing, absolutely nothing was going my way. I began to talk to myself on my drive home, even insisting on going through the main road with all the stop lights instead of getting on the highway and shooting straight on home very quickly because I was being such a baby and wanting to stew over the silliest of comments. I was saying things like, how lucky am I really with my paycheck being cut more than half of what I used to bring home? How am I lucky that I have to have chemo and have begun losing my hair? How lucky am I that if I try to eat even one lousy Bean Burrito from Taco Bell I wind up vomitting uncontrollably (this happened yesterday when I had the biggest craving for Taco Bell) and how lucky am I that my husband is deployed essentially leaving me a single mother right now. This last comment stopped me dead in my tracks of self pity and self loathing. You see this woman works such long hours to support her two children that she raises all alone, not because her husband is deployed but because she really is a single mom while I am a "single mom" for a small season of my life until my husband comes home again. This woman is currently working such long hours because she needs the money to find a home for her and her two kids. This woman anytime I have ever asked her for anything at work has always been more than helpful to me even though I am just the part timer and she works full time. This woman never meant her comment maliciously and for some reason whether it was the hormones, the lack of sleep or just me being a bit touchy I chose to take the comment for something it never was. God spoke to me through my noise in my head telling me I had every right to be bitter and sour and told me that I need to pretty much get over myself and realize hey she has her feelings and I have mine. She has her situations and I have mine. I can pray for her situations and she and others can pray for mine. I can be the God that she sees or I can be the world that she sees and the choice is mine. I humbled myself right then and there. I stopped my own woe is me and prayed to God please allow me to empty myself of myself and fill myself of HIM.
God can talk to us through it all. Whether we are having our quiet time with him, we are in the midst of trials, or even when we are in the midst of rejoicing. God can speak to us through others, like my son who has begun his Christmas Countdown focusing on Jesus and not Santa or the toys. He can speak to us through the noise too like when we are waging an internal war with ourselves. God is in the midst of it all and we need to focus more and more on Him. He speaks to us each and every day but it is up to us to listen to Him. I am learning to do just that. I want to become closer to God, to know that I am in a deeper and greater relationship with Him. I want to hear Him in the quiet and in the noise, I want to hear Him when in trials and when in rejoicing. I want to be closer to HIM.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28
"My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 21:1-5
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God." John 8:47
Thank you readers for all your continued prayers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM
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