As I lie here in bed I have come to think and contemplate on a couple of things. I love quiet times when you can allow your heart and your mind to think on things. First off I was thinking about the people in my life. I have been blessed with some amazing people and I have had people put in my life to teach me valuable lessons on tolerance, forgiveness and even patience and self control. I want to focus on the first set of people. God blessed me 30 some years ago placing me in the family that He did. I love that my family is passionate, is loving, and comes through for one another no matter the cost, the situation or even the circumstance. My parents taught my sisters and I growing up to be good Christians who put others ahead of ourselves and so I am blessed that I have such an amazing support system in them. Even though they are far away right now I know they all would love to be here for me but can not right now and that is ok because God has blessed me enough already here. I know their prayers are constant for me and that is what keeps me going. I know their love for me is neverending and so I through their strength can draw on my own strength from the Lord. I was blessed 14 years ago meeting the man that would become my best friend, my husband, my support and my amazing rock. He too is far away but even though he is far from me right now I can just look into his eyes through that computer screen when we Skype and know two things: One he would drop everything and come home to care for me, and Two he loves me so much. He might be exhausted from one mission or another but he tries to video call us at least 3 times a week just to check in on us. I know some husband don't do that all the time but he does and him missing those moments to sleep just to talk to us means the world to me. Some days I wish I showed my gratitude better than just a simple smile or a meek sounding thanks because I am so tired myself. I have been blessed with three amazing kids who make me feel like everything will always be alright because when they look at me and smile my heart sings. Even though they got dealt with the short end of the deal as kids with a deployed dad and sick mom they don't complain, they don't gripe they just roll with the punches and get on with their lives. I am so proud of each of them. I hear so many people complain about one thing or another and wonder to myself: Seriously this is your life altering, life changing, debilitating moment in your life? Look at what my kids face on a daily basis and they find their strength to get up each and every morning and deal with it. I think about my friends back home who call, text, or now that I am phoneless send me Facebook messages telling me that they love me and how much they would like to come see me. It makes me miss them more and more. I think about my new friends here in El Paso. God granted me after much prayer to find just one good friend to make this life away from home somewhat bearable with so many amazing and wonderful new friends. I am truly blessed when I think of them too. I may not have chosen my family but I am blessed with them. I did chose my husband and I am blessed with him. I chose to have each of my children and they have blessed me beyond belief. I chose my friends back home and they are a blessing in and of itself. But my friends here in El Paso I know I did not chose, I know God chose them for me knowing I would need these amazing people in my life.
Then I began thinking about something a co-worker said to me today. I am blessed with an amazing set of women that I work with but one of the ladies said something that at first hit me or struck me the wrong way but then I started to think on it and really mull it over. I have had to cut drastically my hours at work. Chemo is not very conducive for working long hours on ones feet, running around after Pre-Toddlers and Toddlers alike. When I went to clock out one of my co-workers passed me in the hall and with her very tired face as she went to help my replacement with my class she said: Oh Mrs. Evy you are so lucky! I know she meant it because I get to leave by 10:15 every morning and she was saying it in an envious way like Oh why can't I get a break and leave early which kinda got me all defensive at first but even though I wanted to open my mouth and say: "Really? Lucky?? Let me tell you what I am going through!!" (not all my co-workers know about my health situation by the way) I felt the need, the urgency to just SHUT MY MOUTH! This woman I work with is a sweet young lady, she is tired from her long hours, she has her own situations to deal with and she has every right to say what she felt without some stressed out, over tired, over sensitive, 5 foot nothing of Latina fury coming at her. She did not mean it, I know, in any mean spirited way but at first I took it like that. I have to allow God to lead my spirit in a time like this. I can only shutter to think what would have happened to my wonderful work relationship with her and the others if I went full force and yelled at her saying what I wanted to say which was: "LUCKY?!?!?! HOW AM I LUCKY WHEN I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO, WHEN MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED AND I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, WHEN I AM WONDERING HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT LIFE KEEPS WANTING TO THROW AT ME!!!!!!" See how this would have probably led to some sort of conflict? I love that God knows everything and does not allow me to make such HUGE mistakes as this when I am struggling to know my place in this world. I smiled, maybe not genuinely, but, I smiled and I told her yea I guess so as I walked over to the office to go and clock out. On my ride home I began to stew over her comment. I know petty and childish but I stewed anyways. I wondered how this woman could think I was LUCKY when I felt like nothing, absolutely nothing was going my way. I began to talk to myself on my drive home, even insisting on going through the main road with all the stop lights instead of getting on the highway and shooting straight on home very quickly because I was being such a baby and wanting to stew over the silliest of comments. I was saying things like, how lucky am I really with my paycheck being cut more than half of what I used to bring home? How am I lucky that I have to have chemo and have begun losing my hair? How lucky am I that if I try to eat even one lousy Bean Burrito from Taco Bell I wind up vomitting uncontrollably (this happened yesterday when I had the biggest craving for Taco Bell) and how lucky am I that my husband is deployed essentially leaving me a single mother right now. This last comment stopped me dead in my tracks of self pity and self loathing. You see this woman works such long hours to support her two children that she raises all alone, not because her husband is deployed but because she really is a single mom while I am a "single mom" for a small season of my life until my husband comes home again. This woman is currently working such long hours because she needs the money to find a home for her and her two kids. This woman anytime I have ever asked her for anything at work has always been more than helpful to me even though I am just the part timer and she works full time. This woman never meant her comment maliciously and for some reason whether it was the hormones, the lack of sleep or just me being a bit touchy I chose to take the comment for something it never was. God spoke to me through my noise in my head telling me I had every right to be bitter and sour and told me that I need to pretty much get over myself and realize hey she has her feelings and I have mine. She has her situations and I have mine. I can pray for her situations and she and others can pray for mine. I can be the God that she sees or I can be the world that she sees and the choice is mine. I humbled myself right then and there. I stopped my own woe is me and prayed to God please allow me to empty myself of myself and fill myself of HIM.
God can talk to us through it all. Whether we are having our quiet time with him, we are in the midst of trials, or even when we are in the midst of rejoicing. God can speak to us through others, like my son who has begun his Christmas Countdown focusing on Jesus and not Santa or the toys. He can speak to us through the noise too like when we are waging an internal war with ourselves. God is in the midst of it all and we need to focus more and more on Him. He speaks to us each and every day but it is up to us to listen to Him. I am learning to do just that. I want to become closer to God, to know that I am in a deeper and greater relationship with Him. I want to hear Him in the quiet and in the noise, I want to hear Him when in trials and when in rejoicing. I want to be closer to HIM.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them
eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them
out of my hand." John 10:27-28
"My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with
you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to
understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for
understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for
hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 21:1-5
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God." John 8:47
Thank you readers for all your continued prayers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM
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