Learning to Survive: Surving Falsehoods

Learning to Survive: Surving Falsehoods: Photo Courtesy of favim.com Readers its been a roller coaster of a ride. The holidays came and they were great since for the first time ...

Surving Falsehoods

Photo Courtesy of favim.com

Readers its been a roller coaster of a ride. The holidays came and they were great since for the first time in close to 5 years I got to spend the entire holiday season with my family. That was fun. But with the great times I had with family there was also the fact that while I had spent holidays away from my ex it was always that well he was in training or deployed not that he was spending them with the new family he was replacing us for.

Well while it was hard I still kept myself going strong. I insisted that the crying was over. I insisted on being strong and fearless and I insisted to prove to the world and myself that I was one strong, independent woman. Wow was that the biggest falsehood I told myself. You see while I am a woman that has overcome a lot, I have overcome cancer, I have overcome separation, I have dealt with heartbreak and I have dealt with stress beyond belief I still struggled with it all.

Last night was a hard night for me. I am the type of person who dreams and her dreams are vivid, are so realistic in the way they feel, and I remember my dreams always. I have had this same dream over and over again since I knew my marriage was over. Please readers if you are reading this do not assume that I am dreaming this because I long to be back with my ex because that is not how I feel and if that is wrong than I am truly sorry but my heart was broken too much to allow it to be broken the same way again, but I feel that I gave so much of myself, my time and my energy into someone that it is not easy to fully let go of everything, including the memories even if they were not the best memories either.

Well my dream includes all the memories of my past with him. All the memories of when he told me the things a woman NEVER wants to hear from the man she loves. Like when he would tell me about my weight. Weight that I gained becoming a mother, I have three beautiful children. I was pregnant four times, we lost one baby, I gained weight with each pregnancy. Its expected. Can women lose the baby weight ABSOLUTELY, but sometimes well a woman needs help. She needs a man to encourage her and not bring her down, she needs a man who will change everything for a chance to help his wife. I was diagnosed with diabetes in my last pregnancy. While my doctor said everyone around me should change their eating habits to help me it did not happen. It took him getting seriously ill and the whole family was forced to change their eating habits because of him. While I agree a woman needs to follow her man and allow him to be the leader of the household, my diabetes could have been worse and caused me my life but that was not the change he wanted and therefore not the change that occurred.

Another falsehood memory was how unattractive to him I was. OK readers I am not trying to toot my own horn here so please do not assume that. But I believe that EVERYONE has an attractive quality about them. I would tell him how attractive I thought he was. This sometimes (ok more than sometimes) led him to have a swollen head ego. One time we argued because according to him I was not taking care of myself to keep his interests. We had three small children at the time, I was a stay at home mom and not only to my three children but my sisters three children as well. He said but you think I am so attractive. I told him the reason he was so attractive to me in my eyes was because I was in love with him. You see sometimes you meet someone and you look at them and they are the most attractive person you have ever seen. They have the physical attributes you want in a mate. Gorgeous really but then you get to know them and their heart or brain even is not attractive in any way. Then this person no matter how gorgeous their outer appearance was they no longer look the same way to you. Then you meet someone and you might not have ever thought to give them a second look but you get to know them. They stimulate your mind, their heart is genuine and now you look at them and they look to be the most attractive person ever! Well my heart was completely into this man. All I could think about was growing old, driving the nurses crazy at our old folks home with our constant bickering over if chocolate pudding was better than vanilla (yea we had those discussions regularly) and in my dream I could hear him constantly telling me how I wasn't good enough by his standards.

Then came the fact that I wasn't the wife he required. Oh God this one was the kicker. Readers I am not by any way shape or form a clean freak. I have some in my family and I know that I am not one. My house was lived in. My house is chaotic to say the least. When I got sick though he was gone. It was left upon me and my children to care for the house. I hired help but it did not seem to be completely enough. When he came home from deployment yea the house was not spotless and when he asked us to leave, yes I was angry and yes I might have allowed or not cleaned up certain things. I had to pack my three kids and myself in 4 days and leave. I was still sick, I was still fighting with something in my body that was trying to take my life little by little. I did not leave the home clean but he left my heart broken. Guess I thought tit for tat here and well I did not care and left destruction and disaster just as my heart was left in destruction and disaster. No I did not break anything but I did not care to clean up after myself or the kids. Why should I?

Then the dream went further, now I saw him with her. Oh everything he told me and whispered in my ear that I was lacking he would tell me that she wasn't. She was the perfect woman in his eyes. She was supportive of all his crazy and wild dreams (we were too but his dreams usually required a sacrifice on our lives such as him leaving a job without another one lined up, him trading a car paid in full for his sports car he couldn't afford, him enlisting and we leaving everything behind), she is in his eyes the model of sexiness to go along with him, she is the woman who can maintain a house the way he wants. All these things may be true about her, but they are falsehoods to me. You see while I and my children supported his EVERY whim he was the type that could not be happy. Always seeking happiness in the next best thing. While I may have gained weight I did lose weight too. I may not right now be at my goal but I can get there and I know that I am attractive because there is attractiveness in a woman who can hold her head high, who can be independent and strong, a woman who has found her voice and her place in this world. And while I live in chaos usually my children are happy, there was always laughter to be found in my home and there will be again. So not everything will always have its place BUT I can honestly say in my home there will always be a place for laughter, joy, acceptance, peace, loud music, dancing, Doctor Who (can't forget that one), love and most importantly God.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 NIV

God I know you made me to be the woman I am. The mother that I am. To have the heart that I have and be the daughter, sister, friend that I am. I know I am not perfect. I know I have flaws and make mistakes. Lord help me though to understand that when I do make my mistakes there is always forgiveness in you and there is always a way to make things right through you. Heal my heart, my mind and my soul. Lord it has been a long while now that I have felt defeated yet I know you are by my side. There is no problem greater than you and I want to face my problems knowing that you are the one by my side guiding me, leading me, protecting me. I want my legacy one day to be that I was a woman who was strong because I was weak and you gave me the strength to stand once again. Lord help me to realize and remember the falsehoods thrown my way and remember that with you I can overcome any and all obstacles. Help me to remember that I may not be perfect but the end of my marriage was not because of me. It was the actions of others that led to the fall. Lord please carry me now when I have no strength to carry myself any longer. AMEN

Readers thank you and as always

Be Blessed in HIM