Learning to Survive: Just Surviving

Learning to Survive: Just Surviving:  Readers on the one hand I am happy. I am finally in a place in my life that I have found happiness. I am happy, my...

Just Surviving

Photo Courtesy of Evy

Readers on the one hand I am happy. I am finally in a place in my life that I have found happiness. I am happy, my children are happy and we might not be living the high life but we have great people in our lives. Yet on the other hand I am sad. I am sad because truth be told I feel my life is in a stand still right now, waiting on this divorce that seems to be taking an eternity to be done with, waiting on my life to fully start and no matter how much of the good stuff comes around there is still some things that make me wonder why.

But then I am one that would rather allow the bad things to happen to me and me alone. I can handle them while I hate that sometimes I see those that I love struggling and wish with every fiber in my being that I could take their pain away. I want to go around and just remove all the bad from everyone and just have a world where all my loved ones, my family, my friends all can be happy. We look happy in that picture don't we? That is one of my favorite pictures. It does not have all my loved ones displayed but none-the-less the ones displayed do each hold a special place in my heart. I love each and everyone of them dearly. Each representing something different in my life.

At the bottom of the picture is my daughter. She represents my children who yes hold the second highest place in my heart. God holding the highest place of all. My children have survived so much in this last 2 years of our lives. These last two years have seen them lots and lots of growing up they have had to do. They have dealt with cancer, chemo, radiation, surgeries (my hysterectomy, my daughter's knee surgery), physical therapy, deployment, moving, separation, leaving behind all they knew, losing the life they had built, losing a parent (while he is not passed away their was a mourning period since they no longer got to be with him, talk with him as they once did). My kids have been through the fire and came out polished and new. They are stronger than ever before because they faced all of that and survived. I get questioned on my parenting. I am a non-traditional parent but my love for them is my driving force. I get upset when I am questioned because their entire lives I have placed their needs above my own and have instructed them in the path of God. I may not be your conventional Christian but make sure to never doubt my faith. While my children went through all this these past two years so did I. The one thing that brought us four through was our faith, our prayers, our hope in God to see us through the trial and we did. Do I go about quoting scripture, shouting out Halleluyahs, laying hands on people? No but trust me when I say I pray. I pray for those I love, I pray for those I like, I even pray for those I do not like (I pray for my ex and his new family each and every day that they find peace, happiness and forgiveness) and while I do not publicly announce it I do it in my quiet times, in my me time, in the wee hours of the night when I can not seem to find peace of my own.

On the right hand side of me is my niece. My only biological niece and soon you will understand why I say biological. She is 19 years old. She is ready to take this world by storm. She represents my youth. At her age I wanted to be something special. I wanted to be someone who made a difference. At that age I had no idea how. My niece is in college now just like me. I am seeking my degree later in life and while I am thrilled to be able to do so I wish I would have had the foresight at her age to finish school before I became a bonafide adult. Its hard to persue your dreams when you have to hold down a household as well. She is starting her life. I remember that time almost like a dream you wake up from. I remember never having a care in the world. I really did but looking back at my problems then it is nothing compared to now. She is what I wish I could be sometimes.... Free!! I love my children and they are my world. I love my parents who I live with and am 100% grateful for it all. But free is not a luxury anymore. If I want a girls night out I have to jump through hoops better than a circus lion to get it. I look at her and see the possibility of future right at your fingertips. Then I see the struggles of life even at that age. I look at the struggles of my life and they are so grand to me but I am sure my mother looks at my struggles and thinks thats not so bad and so I try to put her life situations into perspective and think going to college is rough. You are really in the in between of life where you aren't technically a kid anymore yet you really don't know how to fully be an adult. Not really.

Right above my niece is my other niece. Now this beautiful young woman is my niece but not blood related. You see she is my niece's best friend and is living my sister and her family. Now while she is not blood related she is still my niece. I love her as if I had known her my entire life. She represents to me new beginnings. New family members I have through the friendships made in the family. New friendships and new beginnings. I see my niece who is silly and energized, who while she hates to admit it has a heart of gold, who came from a situation where life may not have been good but has made a better situation of her life. She is my new beginnings. She is my new love. She is my second chance at life and happiness.

In the far upper left corner is one of my beautiful best friends. She represents all my friendships. New and old. Friends have your back no matter what. Friends are there for you through it all. They are your biggest cheerleader and the one there laughing alongside you. They are the ones who put aside themselves to lift you up when you are down. I have some amazing friends. I have some friends who are going through the fires of life right now and they are struggling. That breaks my heart. Its harder because it seems like the devil is attacking them all at once. Its been hard to keep up with everyone lately and I hate that I can't. I have obligations in my life but friendship is important to me. My friends are important to me. I've had to leave my friends at different stages of my life. First time was when I got married. I had to concentrate on being a wife and a mom. But the friendships survived through it all. When my ex lost his job and we had to move over 1300 miles away to a town in South Texas I left again. Friendships still lasted. When my husband enlisted friendships still lasted. When we got our duty station, Fort Bliss, friendships lasted and new friendships began, when I had to leave everything and come back home, friendships lasted (some ended but I never considered then those to be true friendships to begin with). But now it seems like everyone is being pulled in all different directions. My heart is breaking over this. Friends are the family you chose, is how I think, and my family feels like it is falling apart. My prayers are concentrated more here now. My family. I want us all together whether it is physically or spiritually. Some of us are pulling closer to each other while others of us are pulling apart. But it should never be like this.

To my left is my nephew. He represents my inner child. My inner self. I always, always had a strong bond with him. Not only is he the youngest of his family like I am the youngest in mine. But our personalities, our hearts are the same. He hurts like I hurt, he laughs like I laugh (not exactly cause I have a distinctive laugh but we laugh at the same kind of things), he wears his heart on his sleeve like I used to. I see him and see everything that I loved to be. I see him and see everything I want to be again. I want to be carefree, happy, peaceful. I see him and see the things that breaks his heart and its the same things that break my own. I see him and see that while life at times is not easy you know what it is fun if you make it be. I want to blast the music and break out into dance like he does, be the ham I once was and put on the shows. I want to be free to express all the joys, all the happiness, all the love in my life.

Lately in life I am just surviving. And while surviving is good it is not enough! I want to thrive. I want to make the most of my life, my family, my friendships, my everything. I want to know that I made the most out of every day so I chose to smile a little wider, laugh a little louder, love a little harder and live a lot better! "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

Readers live a life filled with Lord and never settle for just surviving.

And as Always....

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Surviving with Dreams

Always Dream Big!!



Learning to Survive: Surviving with Dreams: Photo Courtesy of dancingcommas.blogspot.com Good morning readers. I am sitting here in my office right now waiting on some reports from...

Surviving with Dreams

Photo Courtesy of dancingcommas.blogspot.com

Good morning readers. I am sitting here in my office right now waiting on some reports from work to come in and keeping my foot elevated because I hurt my ankle yesterday somehow. As I sit here in a wait mode (something I seem to have to do a lot of at work) I began to think. I try to avoid doing that in the morning because it usually makes my head hurt but well alas here I am in a nice quiet, unorganized, chaotic office and my thoughts start to wonder. In the past I wrote about a dream I had. Oh it was a wonderful dream that I needed in one of the darkest moments of my life. It was a dream I prayed would become a reality and it did! My dream was about becoming a public speaker and speaking on women's issues that have been going on in my own personal life. I dreamt of guiding women who were either struggling with their faith over an illness, over a broken marriage, over a parenting issue, over teens and their struggles. When I first dreamt this I remember (almost as if it were just last night) how happy I was when I woke up. I remember praying in that instant when I awoke and saying "God, this is what I want to do with my life!" You see up until that point in my life I was angry. I felt like why me? Why did I have to be the one that was dealt such a bad hand in life? Why did I have to be the one that had to undergo cancer (twice mind you), deployment, separation, and an upcoming divorce? Why did I have to become a single mom to three kids, why did I have to leave my home? Why did I have to leave my jobs that I loved so much? And why did I have to start my life over again? Why, why, why, why, why?????? Then I had this dream. I realized I had this dream because it was to be the purpose and the reason as to why I had to go through it all. Why I got dealt this hand in life that now I look back on and while yes it was hard, it made me the woman I am today and for that, for that I am the most grateful.

I began public speaking. I won't lie readers the thought of speaking in public terrifies me. I am not a natural speaker. But as the picture says, if your dreams don't scare you they're not big enough. I want big dreams, I want big goals, I want to be terrified yet look back one day and say: "you know what I overcame the obstacles thrown my way!" I went in thinking that with my public speaking I would bring about a change in someone's life, someone's heart, someone's marriage, someone's family and you know what readers? While I might have touched hearts of women who I have spoken to, while I have seen women come and fall to their knees at the stage praying for a healing through God I have seen a change in me. I have changed and for the better! Readers when I got my diagnosis, even though I attempted to cope through humor inside I was bitter!! When I found out my marriage was over, while I attempted to stay quiet and strong inside I was bitter!!! When I found out my ex wanted to throw away the life, the family he had and I had to go home and face my family as a failure of a wife I was bitter!!!! When I allowed reality to hit that I was not free and clear of cancer, I was now a single mom, I had to attempt to provide for my children on my own and deal with ALL the aftermath he left behind I WAS BITTER!!!!! I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel I was in and I was bitter in both my waking and sleeping hours (mind you I barely slept the first couple months back home). Then came the dream that kind of snapped me out of my depression, my bitterness. I was going to be able to help myself through my ordeal by helping others! Something I loved to do, help others. 

Photo Courtesy of marcusan.net

I decided right then and there while the thought of speaking in front of others was scarier to me than any horror movie out there (I am terrified of horror movies) I was going to overcome it all in hopes of bringing about a change in my life. Now I have been a singer my whole life. I was 6 when I first stood in front of the church and in the children's choir sang. I was 13 first time I sang completely alone in front of the church. I remember being so scared and refusing to hold the microphone because my hands wouldn't stop trembling. I remember Pastor after I sang telling the congregation how little ol' me (the youngest in the youth group) was terrified and still I went up there and sang and did a great job so in order to help me overcome my stage fright told me I would sing the following Sunday another song. My eyes were huge but he held me to it and I sang again the following Sunday still scared. Then again in front of the congregation he said you did good now lets hear you again next Sunday. This went on for several weeks and by the end my stage fright was under control that I even could hold the microphone in my hand while I sang. 

Now I had several speaking engagements under my belt when the coordinator threw a curve ball at me. Now I had been scared to speak in front of these women each time but this time around she said you can sing, I have heard you during the worship segment and you can sing, I want you to sing for the group. Now its been about 8-9 months since I stood on a stage to sing and I was now absolutely TERRIFIED! What was this supposed Christian woman doing to me?!?!?! Had I not already stepped outside of my comfort zone to do something that terrified me and now she wants me to sing in front of all these women? I decided right then and there this can not be a woman of God, this was some demon sent out to destroy me. I began to pray readers!! I rebuked this woman left and right. I decided maybe I needed to consult a man of God to perform some sort of exorcism or something because this woman must be demon possessed if she is asking me to step out further on a ledge that I was already standing on and barely holding onto my safety net! But alas no she was not possessed she was however very adamant about it and so I caved and I agreed to sing. I rehearsed and I rehearsed my song, I call it my anthem: OVERCOMER by Mandissa. Such a fitting song don't you think? The night before the engagement I remember being a nervous wreck, being irrational and my amazing friends and family talking me down from my hysteria. I went and sang in front of my family (they too have not heard me sing in a very, very long time). I did it. I overcame the fear and went to the speaking engagement, prayed and asked God to use me as the vessel to reach these women who had come to hear about love loss and receive their spiritual healing and He never left me! I was a ball of nerves wondering how I was going to get through this, there was no microphone stand to hold the mic and I knew these women would see my fear as my hand trembled holding the microphone but something happened readers. Something miraculous my hand NEVER shook. I went up there, I joked, I spoke, I used God's word, and then I sang. God got me through it all without a sign of fear in me. Afterwards there was an altar call and several women came forward. I prayed with them and then I said my farewells and left. It was when I was in the car that I realized what had happened and my hands shook again but in the moment God needed me to be strong and courageous for these women and so I was. 

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9. 
If we look at the Word there is multiple times in Joshua that we are told to be strong and courageous. These two words are usually associated with men and how men should be in regards to their families, their marriages, their walk with Christ but women I want us to claim this for ourselves too. God commanded HIS PEOPLE to be strong and courageous and we are His people. We all need to stand on his word when we go out to witness to others we need to be strong and courageous because times come when God asks of us to step outside the parameters of what makes us comfortable to be able to give us the blessings he has in store for us. While I have never in my life been a speaker God called me to this time and this place to bring about my testimony in order to help others. While I am loving what I do each time I am scared to do it. Singing while it is my first true love outside of my God is something I get nervous to do as well. I've been asked why and my answer is quite simple actually, I am a perfectionist when it comes to singing. If I know it is not going to be the best I rather not do it at all but then I am also my harshest critic and therefore do not see that it might sound good but I nit pick at all the flaws in it all. But God knows this. He also knows what exactly someone needs to hear and my story was needed in that place at that time, the lyrics to the song were needed in that place and in that time and so therefore God placed me there. 

Readers always dream big and trust God to make your dreams come true. Always dream dreams that scare you because those dreams are going to be the best ones for you. Always trust in God to help you through your fears and bring you out on the other side better than before. "For nothing will be impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Readers dream big, the sky is the limit. Allow God to make your dreams a reality and as always...

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surviving By Finding the Real Me

Learning to Survive: Surviving By Finding the Real Me: Photo Courtesy Evy Alicea Hi readers! Its been a bit and life has gotten more and more blissfully hectic. I say blissfully because when ...

Surviving By Finding the Real Me

Photo Courtesy Evy Alicea

Hi readers! Its been a bit and life has gotten more and more blissfully hectic. I say blissfully because when life gets hectic sometimes its great to let the hectic take you and make you forget the bad that has happened. Lately the hectic has been good hectic and it has outweighed the bad for the most part.

So I have discovered something wonderful readers and I want to share it with all of you that have been a part of my journey with me. I have discovered this wonderful person that means the world to me. This person is someone I actually used to know but lost track of over the years. This person is someone that meant so much to me and yet I lost them years and years ago. I'm happy to have this person back in my life and I would love to introduce you to them readers if you would allow me. Is that ok? Well look to the left of your screen. Do you see that gorgeous, absolutely radiant, positively splendid woman there? Yes this is she. Her name is Evy and she is a dear and close friend I lost around 15 years ago.

You see she was fun loving, she loved to be silly, she loved to let life take her where it would and she was always smiling! Evy back in the day could be seen driving around the streets of Orlando in her Chrysler Convertible with the top down, readers I meant the top of the car not my own, no indecent exposure violations here for me with her friends and even her Youth Group back in the day blaring one of two things on the car stereo either Carman if she was feeling in the Worship mood or her latest Boy Band (don't judge readers Boy Bands were and still are pretty darn awesome). Evy used to be the girl who it didn't matter who you were you were good with her and she was good to you. Evy had a smile to always share with anyone from her family and best friends to the stranger walking across the street (ok sometimes this backfired because the stranger would assume the smile meant she was interested in them and that was hardly ever the case... LOL). Evy back in the day would be found on a stage singing and worshipping and performing. Then Evy was lost. It was sad to lose her. She had to be the strong one, the responsible one, the one to put her foot down, or even the bad guy.

For the past several months almost a year I have been trying to find Evy. I almost hired a Private Investigator to locate her and put out an APB on her. Maybe place an ad to find her? She was so lost and so hidden. But with much prayer, much searching I have found her! She is back and while she no longer has her top down (seriously people stop giggling I'm talking about a car) she can be found blaring the music in her car with her new crew of her three children still singing and dancing to either worship and gospel music or her infamous Boy Bands (quit hatin' y'all) and while she has not stepped foot on a stage in quite sometime to worship she still sings her heart out to God every chance she gets wether in the car, in her room, while she is working in her office and of course the shower with the brush as her microphone (yea there she fully rocks out!)

"For everything created by God is good" 1 Timothy 4:4. God created me with a purpose. A purpose I had allowed to fall to the side. A purpose that when I had reached my lowest lows I did not want to achieve or accomplish. Through this blog I have received speaking engagements. Something that God made a purpose for me because of the battles I have faced in my life. These speaking arrangements have given me the ability to reach women who have struggled and are still struggling through hardships and pain like I was and have. I have been blessed to have teens that I have worked with and feel I can start mentoring again. I have met amazing new friends and have reconnected with older childhood ones. I am glad I found Evy. I'm glad she is back and I pray and I hope I never lose her again.

Readers thanks for meeting Evy and as always....

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane: Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea "I wear a fez and a bow tie now, fezzes and bow ties are cool!" Readers life sometimes throws h...

Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

"I wear a fez and a bow tie now, fezzes and bow ties are cool!"

Readers life sometimes throws hard times in our way. Life sometimes throws cruel and unusual punishment our way. It sometimes just downright sucks, its ok I can say suck and still be a good Christian Woman, I checked! LOL.

But sometimes life throws at you just plain mundane and normal life. If you are anything like me and you get these plain and mundane life situations ALL THE TIME you would beg even for the cruel and unusual punishment in life just for some excitement and some adventure to come your way. Lately life threw it all in my face. I had the hard times, the cruel times and the mundane and utterly boring times! It was tortorous!! I couldn't stand it. Every day the same routine. The same routine!! I felt like I was stuck in that Bill Murray movie "Groundhog Day" where every day was exactly like the one before!

Bill Murray practiced and learned living the same life everyday to get the love of his life, a sweet and noble gesture, but as Bill did before he saw the miracle that was to live everyday the exact same way I too would have lost my mind!

Being a mom my routine is usually the same:

Wake up
Breakfast
Work
Late Lunch usually
Work
School
Dinner
School
Bed

Every now and again I got thrown a little something different like going to my sisters house or something but for the most time I lived the same day over and over again. Then Saturday came. The picture of myself in the top of the blog is me on Saturday at MegaCon! OMG was that not the funnest day ever!!!!

So my kids and I went to MegaCon which for those of you that do not know it is a convention for practically everything fandom! Walking Dead, Animes, Comic Books, Sci-Fi, of course my favorite: Doctor Who! And we went with a large group. Lets see putting us all together we were 13 of us!!!!! Then I got to run into old friends from High School that I had not seen since I moved to Texas the first time, new friends that I have met through my fandom of Doctor Who and I even met my all time favorite actor that appeared on Doctor Who: John Barrowman and he was so nice and funny and can I say Va Va Va Voom!!!

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

This is us together! Aaahhhh!!!! I know, I know you all are jealous now, but please try to contain yourselves... LOL. So anyways where was I before I got distracted by the beauty that is Captain Jack Harkness? Oh yes so there were so many people there. People of all shapes, people of all sizes, ethnicities and fandoms and they all come together and geek out together! It was the absolute best way to spend a day. Getting out and watching all these cosplayers (if you do not know what cosplay is I will try to contain myself from the sheer horror of you not knowing and will explain cosplay is basically playing dress up but in a much cooler fashion). The cosplayers were incredible. My daughters included did an amazing job on the costumes and makeup and it was so much fun trying to spot the characters you know. If you like anything remotely geeky I recommend  you go to a Convention. The amount of fun and the merchandise is astronomical and it allows for moms whether you are single or married to just not be a mom for the time being and be a fun loving geek who fangirls over her favorite actor. Like I did with my precious John Barrowman!!! Aaahhh I love looking at that picture!!!!!!!!

So breaking the mundane and the normal is a good thing. So you are a Christian. Being a Christian doesn't mean you can not have fun. Jesus partook of his share of good times with his buddies. Hey after all the first miracle Jesus performed EVER was not giving the blind their sight, or giving the deaf their hearing, his first miracle was turning WATER INTO WINE! His first miracle was cause his mama told him to do it at a PARTY none the less. Jesus partied and guess what his first miracle involved him keeping a party going so don't be the kind of Christian with a sour look on your face, living your life all mundane and normal ALL THE TIME! Jesus came to earth to give you a life full of different things including FUN! So go out, have some good ole fashion fun with your kids, your spouse, your significant other, your best friend and live the life Jesus came to earth and died for to give you. Live a life that is full and as the Doctor said... "We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one".



Readers thank you for taking the journey with me. This one was fun!!!!!!

And as always....

Be Blessed in HIM!!!!!

Learning to Survive: Surviving the Mourning

Learning to Survive: Surviving the Mourning: Photo Courtesy of xcomment.com Today is difficult day readers. Fifteen years ago today I walked down the aisle...  I have been writing...

Surviving the Mourning

Photo Courtesy of xcomment.com

Today is difficult day readers. Fifteen years ago today I walked down the aisle...

 I have been writing this blog for a while now and every year on my anniversary I write about how I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend. I write about the love that I felt that day and the days that passed but this time, that is not the case. This time I am not going to write about how I hear birds singing every time I think of him, this time I am not going to write about how I see the sun shine brighter when I think of him. I'm not even going to write about how the flowers smell nicer, the colors are more vibrant, the air feels warm with love. Today is a hard day! When I married 15 years ago I was a young woman who was scared but anticipated all the wonders in life. I gave my life to someone who I thought would take it and walk hand in hand with me throughout this life. I thought I was beginning a great adventure where I would yes have trials and tribulations but would face this hard cruel world with the one person who vowed before God, my family and friends to love me TILL DEATH DO US PART. Readers death didn't part us, selfishness, greed, lust, and even arrogance parted us.

Today I am mourning. I am spending my day mourning because while I may not think or even feel that I want what I had back I still had some great memories, some dreams and hopes that now are just gone. I had one of my best friends last night tell me that I should celebrate, celebrate me and my new life today, and while I have lots to celebrate today is not the day to do so. Am I giving power to someone who threw away a life long commitment for something that while he feels would in the end make him happy he threw away the love of a woman who was willing to follow him to the ends of the earth just to be with him, his children who loved and adored him and relished spending the fun times with him? No! I am however remembering my past. Remembering what was and mourning what never will be to give myself the closure, the strength to keep going on. Will I ever fully take this day and not cry? Not mourn? Not feel the twinge in my heart that causes me such pain? I don't know.

People tell me it gets easier. And while they are right, I have had some wonderful times and done some amazing things I feel like at times I slide back. I slide and while I took step upon step to climb out of the pit of despair I was in when my marriage first broke apart, I slide and I feel like I fall to the bottom of that pit again. I fall and have to climb back up. I feel like some days my life will ONLY consist of me working to get out of the pit and I get tired. I am tired of the work, and I feel like I just want to say that I give up! I can't do this anymore!! And yet everyday I am back to the ladder climbing, reaching, praying and hoping one day not only will I be out of the pit but the pit itself will be closed and sealed and I never slide down again. I look at this picture attached to the blog and it is so right. I thank xcomment.com for verbalizing it so perfectly, "A Broken Heart is a sign that it wasn't meant to be." I wanted to grow old with someone, I wanted to cherish the good years with someone, I wanted to watch my kids grow up, graduate High School and College, find their dream job, fall in love, get married, give me grandchildren as beautiful as them with someone. I thought I knew who that someone was but life and God have different plans for me.

I'm not saying I know I will never find true love again or I guess true love for the first time because if the last one really was true love than it wouldn't have fallen apart but I just have to wait for my Knight in Shining Armor, My Prince Charming, heck my MAD MAN IN A BLUE BOX (My fellow Whovians would get that one) to come and sweep me away. But today, today I sit here and spend my quiet time crying, mourning, praying, longing, healing my heart.

“Do not let your heart be troubled. You have put your trust in God, put your trust in Me also.” John 14: 1. 

I have my trust in God and he will bring me to a better place. 

Readers thank you for the love, the support, the prayers and even the words of encouragement and as always...

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surving Falsehoods

Learning to Survive: Surving Falsehoods: Photo Courtesy of favim.com Readers its been a roller coaster of a ride. The holidays came and they were great since for the first time ...

Surving Falsehoods

Photo Courtesy of favim.com

Readers its been a roller coaster of a ride. The holidays came and they were great since for the first time in close to 5 years I got to spend the entire holiday season with my family. That was fun. But with the great times I had with family there was also the fact that while I had spent holidays away from my ex it was always that well he was in training or deployed not that he was spending them with the new family he was replacing us for.

Well while it was hard I still kept myself going strong. I insisted that the crying was over. I insisted on being strong and fearless and I insisted to prove to the world and myself that I was one strong, independent woman. Wow was that the biggest falsehood I told myself. You see while I am a woman that has overcome a lot, I have overcome cancer, I have overcome separation, I have dealt with heartbreak and I have dealt with stress beyond belief I still struggled with it all.

Last night was a hard night for me. I am the type of person who dreams and her dreams are vivid, are so realistic in the way they feel, and I remember my dreams always. I have had this same dream over and over again since I knew my marriage was over. Please readers if you are reading this do not assume that I am dreaming this because I long to be back with my ex because that is not how I feel and if that is wrong than I am truly sorry but my heart was broken too much to allow it to be broken the same way again, but I feel that I gave so much of myself, my time and my energy into someone that it is not easy to fully let go of everything, including the memories even if they were not the best memories either.

Well my dream includes all the memories of my past with him. All the memories of when he told me the things a woman NEVER wants to hear from the man she loves. Like when he would tell me about my weight. Weight that I gained becoming a mother, I have three beautiful children. I was pregnant four times, we lost one baby, I gained weight with each pregnancy. Its expected. Can women lose the baby weight ABSOLUTELY, but sometimes well a woman needs help. She needs a man to encourage her and not bring her down, she needs a man who will change everything for a chance to help his wife. I was diagnosed with diabetes in my last pregnancy. While my doctor said everyone around me should change their eating habits to help me it did not happen. It took him getting seriously ill and the whole family was forced to change their eating habits because of him. While I agree a woman needs to follow her man and allow him to be the leader of the household, my diabetes could have been worse and caused me my life but that was not the change he wanted and therefore not the change that occurred.

Another falsehood memory was how unattractive to him I was. OK readers I am not trying to toot my own horn here so please do not assume that. But I believe that EVERYONE has an attractive quality about them. I would tell him how attractive I thought he was. This sometimes (ok more than sometimes) led him to have a swollen head ego. One time we argued because according to him I was not taking care of myself to keep his interests. We had three small children at the time, I was a stay at home mom and not only to my three children but my sisters three children as well. He said but you think I am so attractive. I told him the reason he was so attractive to me in my eyes was because I was in love with him. You see sometimes you meet someone and you look at them and they are the most attractive person you have ever seen. They have the physical attributes you want in a mate. Gorgeous really but then you get to know them and their heart or brain even is not attractive in any way. Then this person no matter how gorgeous their outer appearance was they no longer look the same way to you. Then you meet someone and you might not have ever thought to give them a second look but you get to know them. They stimulate your mind, their heart is genuine and now you look at them and they look to be the most attractive person ever! Well my heart was completely into this man. All I could think about was growing old, driving the nurses crazy at our old folks home with our constant bickering over if chocolate pudding was better than vanilla (yea we had those discussions regularly) and in my dream I could hear him constantly telling me how I wasn't good enough by his standards.

Then came the fact that I wasn't the wife he required. Oh God this one was the kicker. Readers I am not by any way shape or form a clean freak. I have some in my family and I know that I am not one. My house was lived in. My house is chaotic to say the least. When I got sick though he was gone. It was left upon me and my children to care for the house. I hired help but it did not seem to be completely enough. When he came home from deployment yea the house was not spotless and when he asked us to leave, yes I was angry and yes I might have allowed or not cleaned up certain things. I had to pack my three kids and myself in 4 days and leave. I was still sick, I was still fighting with something in my body that was trying to take my life little by little. I did not leave the home clean but he left my heart broken. Guess I thought tit for tat here and well I did not care and left destruction and disaster just as my heart was left in destruction and disaster. No I did not break anything but I did not care to clean up after myself or the kids. Why should I?

Then the dream went further, now I saw him with her. Oh everything he told me and whispered in my ear that I was lacking he would tell me that she wasn't. She was the perfect woman in his eyes. She was supportive of all his crazy and wild dreams (we were too but his dreams usually required a sacrifice on our lives such as him leaving a job without another one lined up, him trading a car paid in full for his sports car he couldn't afford, him enlisting and we leaving everything behind), she is in his eyes the model of sexiness to go along with him, she is the woman who can maintain a house the way he wants. All these things may be true about her, but they are falsehoods to me. You see while I and my children supported his EVERY whim he was the type that could not be happy. Always seeking happiness in the next best thing. While I may have gained weight I did lose weight too. I may not right now be at my goal but I can get there and I know that I am attractive because there is attractiveness in a woman who can hold her head high, who can be independent and strong, a woman who has found her voice and her place in this world. And while I live in chaos usually my children are happy, there was always laughter to be found in my home and there will be again. So not everything will always have its place BUT I can honestly say in my home there will always be a place for laughter, joy, acceptance, peace, loud music, dancing, Doctor Who (can't forget that one), love and most importantly God.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 NIV

God I know you made me to be the woman I am. The mother that I am. To have the heart that I have and be the daughter, sister, friend that I am. I know I am not perfect. I know I have flaws and make mistakes. Lord help me though to understand that when I do make my mistakes there is always forgiveness in you and there is always a way to make things right through you. Heal my heart, my mind and my soul. Lord it has been a long while now that I have felt defeated yet I know you are by my side. There is no problem greater than you and I want to face my problems knowing that you are the one by my side guiding me, leading me, protecting me. I want my legacy one day to be that I was a woman who was strong because I was weak and you gave me the strength to stand once again. Lord help me to realize and remember the falsehoods thrown my way and remember that with you I can overcome any and all obstacles. Help me to remember that I may not be perfect but the end of my marriage was not because of me. It was the actions of others that led to the fall. Lord please carry me now when I have no strength to carry myself any longer. AMEN

Readers thank you and as always

Be Blessed in HIM