Hi readers. Sorry I seem to lately be so caught up and forget to sit down for a couple of minutes just to be able to get a post out there.
Today is just one of those days and I am sure you all have experienced them where I feel down and out. I hate that I feel down and out because I love being able to just laugh, just smile or even find the humor in places most people forget to look for the humor in life but today I woke up with a sour disposition, my son came and jumped in bed with me like he loves to do and I played with him but it felt forced. It felt forced to play with my 9 year old and that is not something I like! I love seeing him laugh. I love seeing him try to make me laugh or him just cuddle up with me, wrap himself up in my covers and just say: " I love you mommy" but today it was hard.
Have you ever woken up and just the sight of sunshine coming through your window hurt? I mean physically hurt? Hurt your eyes, hurt your head, hurt your body, hurt your bones? Ugh today that is what I woke up to and I have to say I do not like it! I then after about an hour of playing with my son got up and discover that the pug had gotten into my bathroom and the mess he made, well lets just say I felt like turning around, holding it in, and just crawl back in bed under the covers because I was just way to upset but I got down and picked up all the overturned trash, the trash I had begged my husband to take out yesterday because it was trash day (and we only have one trash day a week here) and continued on with my day. But lo and behold what do I find when I get to the living room/dinning room? A mess! A mess that I have no idea why it is there because I left yesterday with my kids to go to the church and help set up for the end of the year party at about 12:30 and didn't return to until I sent them all to bed so why I ask is there a MESS?!?! This time I am not obliged to start cleaning it all up because I am in desperate need of coffee. I need something to erase this funk! So readers I get to the kitchen and one gazillion points to the reader who can tell me what I discovered in the kitchen? Dum, dum, dummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes one gazillion points to the reader who yelled out A MESS! Seriously?!?!?! You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! We didn't even eat dinner here last night! So I just look at the mess and this time strongly consider running away to an abandoned island where no one calls me MOM, Hunny or anything of the sort!
I feel down. I feel defeated and deflated because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do nothing seems enough, nothing seems like there is even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, nothing absolutely nothing feels like it is going my way. I have been trying and working my tail off to enroll my kids in online school for next year and because we are in the grand ole state of Texas and my children have been homeschooled for the past 5 years they will not enroll them AT ALL! New legislation prohibits homeschooled children to enroll in online Public School and with the school system and all I have learned about it here in El Paso this past year I refuse to subject my children to that. I know some of you are thinking either I am exaggerating or I am too paranoid but I promise you I am not. There is only one school I would be willing to enroll my kids in and I submitted applications for them but they are on a wait list so I am now just waiting and seeing. Waiting and seeing.... boy is that the story of my life.
Then comes the fact that financially we are struggling and even though I may have nice things in my house people assume we are ok but we are not. It is just that I have had them for a while or with the income tax we have acquired them and believe it or not we have had our fair share of trips to the pawn shop just to be able to put food on the table every month. I have been looking but what kind of work is ok to do when you are a homeschool mom? Its hard. Then the hubby offered to get a small part time on the weekends but how would that work when he is in the Army? I mean for one we will never see him and I really do not want money to be the reason my marriage suffers, two what if he has to go out on a mission or when they go out into the field for 30 days or worse deploys? And three I feel I should be the one working even if it is part time. He is the one with the full time job so why can't I contribute too but getting a job is NOT easy! I have looked, I have searched and even though I am bilingual guess what? I do not get the jobs I apply for!
I know readers I am here throwing my own little pity party and I am sorry but if you choose to read on I will gladly have the violinist play you your favorite saddest song and give you a party hat as well. LOL No readers I am just not used to feeling like this. I have always been optimistic, the glass is half full, looking for the silver lining, and trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I really feel down, I feel depressed and I hate this feeling. Each of these setbacks in life is not earth shattering, heart breaking or soul ripping as I feel but together they make me feel like I am drowning in a sea of despair. Then I realize how wrong I am. We have a family in our church really going through hard times and I feel selfish, petty, and down right wrong for having this pity party myself but I can not shake this feeling of just utter despair. I need to find my happiness, I need to find my comfort and I know he is out there and just because I feel this way does not mean I do not know that my God is not there for me I know this is on me. This feeling is on me because I know my rock, my comfort is there to hold me when I feel weak and I need to allow myself to fall at his feet and tell him I am done and I need you now more then ever before and I have but I have to face that all things happen for a reason and according to His will and not mine. There is a reason my children are not being allowed enrollment in to the online schools and I know God will reveal it to me in his time, I know there is a reason for the financial hardship and He will see us through it in His time, I know there is even a reason behind the chaos that is my house, my life, my family and for the most part I relish the chaos because it is who I am but right now I need peace and I need understanding that only can come from the Lord. I need His strength in my life.
A friend of mine said last night that she chooses to not be perfect and I know to most that does not sound 100% right or logical but I totally see the reasoning behind those words. If we are perfect than why would we need a God and I for one especially today, need a God. I need to know that I am broken, I need to know that I am what my daughter calls a HOT MESS because I need Him to pick me up, I need Him to hold me and right now I need Him to tell me everything is gonna be alright and that He will see us through it all.
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help
you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
Readers thanks for reading along with me and my pity party this time. I pray next post I can find the humor and share some funny stories like I love to do.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
