Surviving The After-Math

Hey readers. Wow its been a long time coming since I made a post. I do apologize but there have been some things in my life I had to learn to survive before I could get past it all. No my life is not all figured out. Some days I feel like my life is even more of a roller coaster than it ever was. I wish I could say that I have it all figured out but that would be the world's biggest lie.

So readers you know my struggles with cancer, my struggles with divorce, my struggles with single parenting and all the stuff that has come to play in the past 6-7 years. So where is Evy now in all of this?  Here I am:

Photo Credit: dreamstime.com

Oh that is cute if you think I am the one at the top, or even the second climber. I am that hand that you see all the way down at the bottom going: "Please dear God someone get me off this mountain!" First off readers I am scared, correction terrified of heights and while this mountain climbing isn't literal it is still a metaphorical fear of the heights I have to reach in my life. Like career success, financial success, parenting success and the scariest of all: PERSONAL SUCCESS! Sweet Jesus is that one the scariest and the hardest. I will be discussing that in another blog post (yes I promise to continue to blog more often) but today we are going to talk about the after math of all that cancer has left with me. 

So remember my dear old friend Mr. Cancer? You know the guy! The one who came into my life, turned everything completely upside down, has been well the most absolute volatile relationship in my life and even created a codependent relationship I never wanted but got. Yea that guy... I am proud to say we broke up after 3 tries of trying to make it work between us.  

Photo Credit: xltkwj.com

 It was finally time to say good bye and attempt and hope to never look back and go back to such a relationship. But like when my marriage ended I still had to pick up pieces of this broken relationship. There were still things that Mr. Cancer brought into my life that I apparently got full custody of even though I tried to make a clean break from all of it. You see sometimes the cure, the solution is worse than the disease. And when Mr. Cancer comes into your life he leaves you worse than he found you. I remember the days of thinking that losing my hair was the worst of my problems, or that fearing treatment was hard. How about the days of pain after my surgery? Or even the lack of being able to eat because chemo left me nauseous? Or the days when my skin literally burned, itched and even felt uncomfortable after Radiation? Oh those days aren't as bad as now. You see something happens when you've undergone the immense amount of chemo and radiation that I have gone through. It is the After-Math and this my friends is worse.

I have never been through an earthquake. I am so grateful for that because I truly fear those as well but I have heard sometimes with an earthquake the aftershocks are worse. And this is where I am now. Let me reference one of my favorite stories of all time. So in the Wizard of Oz (love the story so much) I always wanted to be Dorothy! I mean who doesn't? Going off on adventures, meeting new friends, and getting a fabulous new pair of shoes! I mean hello?!?! Who doesn't want all that? But instead this is me:

Photo Credit: flickr.com

 I am the Wicked Witch, Cancer is that darn house that landed on top of me and Dorothy? Oh wait till you hear who Dorothy is.... FIBROMYALGIA! She took my ruby slippers and ran off with them! I mean can you believe the audacity? Not only am I not the cute pig tail wearing, basket carrying, dog loving, adventure seeker that is Dorothy but I am the gosh darn witch who gets a house landed on her and loses her favorite pair of stilettos within the first 15 minutes of the whole movie! Like seriously? This is the prize I get for dumping the Wizard (cancer)? Ugh! 

Fibromyalgia is no joke! Pains everywhere, fevers running, lack of strength, lack of energy, lack of ability to do what you took advantage of your whole life like walking more than 10 feet without excruciating pain! Oh and don't get me started on the actual depression you feel because you are now in a state of 24/7/365 pain all the time. Cancer didn't depress me but fibro is! It takes its toll. 

I have been distant from a lot of people lately. It is not me not loving them anymore, me not wanting to talk, be with, hang out with, see them. It is because the pains don't allow me enough rest. The pains are overwhelming and the depression all consuming! One of my meds for Fibromyalgia is an anti-depressant. Oh this was hard for me to accept that I needed but I do. I need to stabilize me. Most don't know about my depression. I don't publicly share it. But I felt the need to now. I need to allow others to see the real me, the me that doesn't feel like she has it together. The me that doesn't believe she is good enough. The me that is sad, is overwhelmed with such sadness over the loss of the me that I had discovered and learned to love. The me that can't seem to love herself anymore. I will be better. I know it. But for now this is my harsh reality. I am lost in the pain. I am lost in the depression and I am going to have to learn to Survive this too.

Thanks for reading.