I have been a mom for almost 13 years now. I should know this concept by now but for some reason whether its my stubbornness, my inability to learn this subject or my pig headiness I still have not learned that life will not and does not or wants to revolve around me! How fair is that readers? Its not like I feel like I am asking for much. All I want is for everything to fall right into place and revolve around my needs right now? Is that too much to ask for? Really? It is?! Don't you ever feel like this? I mean I am mom. For the past 13 years my life has had to revolve around these three beautiful children God blessed me with but sometimes I look and I say: "Really? Can't these little "angels" ever see that mom needs her time, mom needs to get better, mom needs five minutes of ME time and mom needs a break?!" Can't they see that readers? Let me save you the time right now and give you the answer. The answer is a resounding "OH HECK NAH!" Not only a no will do it is more of the emphasis you get when you say oh heck nah! Don't get me wrong readers my kids are wonderful and I love them dearly but well life goes on and so does all their stuff. My son is currently now with what seems to be a Spring Weather flu and poor little guy needs mom to take care of his needs. Problem with this is that mom is not feeling well either. Mom is weak, mom is sick and mom can some days find it hard to even lift her head up off the pillows in the morning because when she does the dizziness, the nausea and the just plain weakness kicks in. Then there is school work. For most moms this is not too big of a problem because even though they care deeply about their children's education they have their kids go to school but my kids are homeschooled. For the most part homeschooling works amazing for us but right now homeschooling is not easy. I have to be there to guide my children and right now they are teaching themselves. I am proud that they have this ability but this was never my vision for homeschooling where I was more of a hands off homeschool mom then one of the hands on type ones. I am grateful when we could I was able to get computer programs that would teach my kids what they needed to know but I like, correction I love to teach and by not teaching I feel sometimes I am a failure in this department. Even though my surgery is only a month away my husband and I have decided to enroll the kids next school year in online Public School. This way they get the instruction they need, they get the benefits of public school and they get to still have one on one as well and work at their pace. Wow I just sounded like the commercial they show on the TV but it is so true. My oldest daughter has such a busy life lately and I wish I could just take a break there too but that is not my life it is hers. Problem is her life is my life until she is 18 and out of my house (which I shudder to think of letting go. It is my biggest fear sometimes letting go). My daughter has her own babysitting business and can I say business has been BOOMING for her lately! Problem with business booming is that it booms in my house! LOL I love kids and kids are my life but when you are sick its not easy. Every week she has anywhere from one to three babysitting jobs all done in my home. I am not about to sit back and do nothing though while these kids are in my home so I play with them, I help her care for them, and even feed them. One day we had about 8 kids in this house at a time and I was just starting to feel sick then. Life does not stop readers even when you are sick. Last night was particularly difficult. My daughter is a part of the Civil Air Patrol here and so she had her weekly meeting last night. I do not take her to the meetings because that is something her and her father do together and I am all for that but I had a sick little boy yesterday, both my boy dogs were sick as well by the evening with the girl dog showing signs of starting to feel sick as well and I even thought I did not want to take my meds that I know make me sick to my stomach and weak but I had to take them and was not doing very well. I made dinner because hey you are supposed to feed your family after all and by the time my husband and daughter left there was a mess in my kitchen from all the dinner dishes that I had no energy to do, there was a mess in my living room of the clothes I washed and folded but could not put away because they are for my trip this weekend to Dallas, I will get into that further in my post, and there was pillows, covers and an array of medicines and such all over the place to take care of a sick boy and now three sick dogs. My husband took my daughter to Civil Air Patrol and I was ready to call it quits because I needed a break and did not get one. I was not upset at anyone for getting sick, after all how could I be when no one is to blame? No one asks to get sick but I was cranky to say the least and with the hormones crankiness can be dangerous because one minute I am composed even through the crankiness and the next I am crying because I am so tired and so worn down. My son now was running a fever, coughing and with a throat that hurt so bad that when he swallowed he was in tears but mixed with his ADHD and he could not sit still so I could not sit still because I was constantly trying to convince him to come back to the couch and lie down or go to his bed and lie down. The puppy on the other hand felt so sick yesterday all he wanted to do was lie down and that had me worried too. Needless to say today the puppy is running a muck all over the house and is playful because he is finally at the end stage of his cold while the other two are at the beginning of theirs. By the time my daughter and husband arrive at almost 9 pm (I have a feeling my husband stays back talking since every week they come home just a tad bit later than the week before and he loves all this military stuff and aviation stuff) I was a mess. I just finished watching my show and went straight to bed lasting only 5 minutes awake before crashing until this morning. Life doesn't stop even when we are sick!
Now for my Dallas trip. I am so excited and even nervous about this trip. I get to go with two amazing woman that I know I will enjoy every minute with but I am nervous because of my condition. This trip is for a convention for Youth Leaders and this is a field I am passionate about. So passionate that I am studying to lead Youth in Christian Education. Youth Ministry is my passion. But here is why I am so nervous right now. I can not remember when I got a break from being mom, from being wife, from being the house keeper, cook, nanny and butler all at the same time and I know even though this trip is about learning strategies to help with Youth it is essentially a break from the mundane of my every day life BUT I am sick. Not contagious sick or anything but I am weak, I am nauseous with these meds and I even get dizzy and thinking about all that gets me nervous. I do not want my friends to think that they have to go and take care of me at this conference and all so I have been praying and praying harder than I ever have before to be OK at the conference. I do notice when I am entertained I feel I don't concentrate on feeling sick so in this sense it is good that life doesn't stop when you are sick because the entertainment value helps me.
I have to learn to focus on the fact that even though I may not feel great at all times and I feel like I can't do it all at all times that I have someone I can lean on to help me through it all. I know I have amazing friends that tell me to tell them when I am not feeling well but that is just not me or even in my nature so I do not think to call anyone. My big head thinks I am Super Woman and that I can do it all. But that is not how it really is. I need help. Not always the help a friend can give me but help I know my God can give me because He and He alone can allow me to know that I can do all things because He gives me the strength to overcome all the obstacles this life refuses to stop throwing my way. Oh in the book of Matthew there is a passage for such times as this. Allow me to share them with you readers. It says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. Here we see what we are to do. We are to take it all to God. He will give us the rest we need. He will be the one to make life slow down enough for us to be able to withstand. When He tells us to take on his yoke for his burden is light it is because He and He alone can give us peace, give us strength, give us hope to withstand it all. Take heart readers and know that even though life doesn't just stop when we are sick, when we are tired, when we are overwhelmed we can lay at all at the cross and allow our God to withstand it all for us.
Thanks for reading along with me and for your continued prayers in my life and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Surviving Treatment
Well readers I am so sorry that I have not posted anything in a couple of days. I went to the doctor on Monday to find out the staging of the tumor and it turns out that I am in Stage 1b of Uterine Cancer (there is a more complicated name for it but it just means Uterine Cancer so that is what I am going to go with. I received my surgery date for April 25th, no chemo and possibly radiation about a month after surgery if need be and for those who know me personally know that I am excited because I get to go to the Youth Leader Conference in Dallas at the end of this month YAY!!
I was however put on a cocktail of medicines to take from now until the surgery. I am on my diabetes medicine that they increased the dosage for now for me to take, I am on a pain med for all the pains I have been getting due to the tumor and I am on hormones. This combination the first day got me all loopy in the head. I mean I turned into a tween who would hear the word BUT and would start giggling uncontrollably because I thought they said BUTT. My kids could not stop laughing at me and kept trying to reenact the scene from Despicable Me where the minions are photo copying their butts and are laughing so hard. Here let me share my giggle with you:
Well I started the meds on Monday and had just a giggle fest and then went to dinner at a wonderful friends house which I was so grateful for her inviting us to her house for dinner because I really was not in the right frame of mind to make dinner since I was so high with my cocktail of meds. I told her how I just might have started cooking dinner with no clothes on since I was so high and with my track record of burning down kitchens I don't think cooking with no clothes on would have been a good thing. Could you imagine the look on the neighbors faces if I burned down my kitchen and running outside with no clothes on. Possibly running out in just my apron? Readers that is not a pretty sight!! So I was so grateful for the dinner invite even if the kids were all over the place and chasing me with a kitten (I'm allergic to cat hair) but it made me laugh so hard I did laugh like those minions in that youtube video. LOL
Yesterday I woke up and took my meds before leaving for co-op with my kids. I get to co-op and start feeling so sick. I lasted at the co-op because I really just love being surrounded by friends but I was not doing well. I finally get home and I am laid up with a messed up stomach and fevers. I have no idea what the fevers have to do with the meds but I do know my stomach is due to the hormones. I laid down in the living room surrounded by my kids and watched TV with them for as long as I could before I fell asleep. I wake up to find only my son "taking care of me" while watching his new favorite show Beyblade. I call to see when my husband would be home with dinner. He is about 40 minutes away and decides to play songs for me on the phone from the radio, sweet I am sure you are all thinking, but when your back is now in knots, your stomach is turning, your head is pounding and you are one second shivering cold and the next sweating with heat you are in no mood to hear Hip Hop music from the 90's! Maybe if he would have played soft sweet, romantic music but it was HIP HOP!! LOL. He gets home and I eat something so I can take my pain medicine and my sugar medicine and go to bed. I am in bed no later than 6:30! I fall asleep fast I do know that but I woke up again around 9 with a mouth that felt like I was eating sand. I needed water and fast but getting up was just not an option. I thank God my husband was getting himself ready to go to bed early and comes in. I ask him for water and then fall right back to sleep as he is telling me all about his PT yesterday. I am sure last night I won NO awards for wife of the year.
This morning I wake up around 7:30 to see what I affectionationatly call my King Tut. My husband sleeps completely wrapped up in his covers and I jumped. You see my husband usually wakes up around 4 to get ready and be at his morning PT by 6 and it was 7:30!! I was so worried because the Army is not someone you just oversleep to and not show up! I wake him up and he tells me that he does not have to be in till 9 thank goodness. He asks me how I am feeling and I tell him ok but once I get up from the bed I realize how wrong I truly am. I am so dizzy, so nauseaous, so weak. This is not good readers. I even allowed him to take the last bit of coffee without fighting. That is not me!! I start my whining and complaining about how I do not want to take these awful pills and he has to put his foot down, readers my husband rarely puts his foot down so this was a shocking thing to me, and tells me I have to take the pills because I need to get better. He then tells our son who is the only one awake to take care of his mom today for him. That was so sweet. So now I am sitting here writing my blog after I took those pills and made a little more coffee and am so grateful to have a man who loves me so much that he will tell me exactly what I do not want to hear so that I can get better not only for me but for him and our kids. My daughter, the oldest, wakes up and comes to check on me, she serves me some coffee, sits and talks with me and even checks me for a fever. Readers I am so blessed with my little family. They love me so much and even though they suffer when mom is sick they do not make me feel bad for needing to take care of me. My daughter even told me "ok when you finish your blog you go and lie down because you are not going to be good to anyone if you don't get any better". I am so blessed readers.
"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her" Proverbs 31:28. This is why I know how blessed I am with my family because they are like this with me.
Readers keep me in your prayers that I can withstand this treatment and thank you in advance for your prayers.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Yesterday I woke up and took my meds before leaving for co-op with my kids. I get to co-op and start feeling so sick. I lasted at the co-op because I really just love being surrounded by friends but I was not doing well. I finally get home and I am laid up with a messed up stomach and fevers. I have no idea what the fevers have to do with the meds but I do know my stomach is due to the hormones. I laid down in the living room surrounded by my kids and watched TV with them for as long as I could before I fell asleep. I wake up to find only my son "taking care of me" while watching his new favorite show Beyblade. I call to see when my husband would be home with dinner. He is about 40 minutes away and decides to play songs for me on the phone from the radio, sweet I am sure you are all thinking, but when your back is now in knots, your stomach is turning, your head is pounding and you are one second shivering cold and the next sweating with heat you are in no mood to hear Hip Hop music from the 90's! Maybe if he would have played soft sweet, romantic music but it was HIP HOP!! LOL. He gets home and I eat something so I can take my pain medicine and my sugar medicine and go to bed. I am in bed no later than 6:30! I fall asleep fast I do know that but I woke up again around 9 with a mouth that felt like I was eating sand. I needed water and fast but getting up was just not an option. I thank God my husband was getting himself ready to go to bed early and comes in. I ask him for water and then fall right back to sleep as he is telling me all about his PT yesterday. I am sure last night I won NO awards for wife of the year.
This morning I wake up around 7:30 to see what I affectionationatly call my King Tut. My husband sleeps completely wrapped up in his covers and I jumped. You see my husband usually wakes up around 4 to get ready and be at his morning PT by 6 and it was 7:30!! I was so worried because the Army is not someone you just oversleep to and not show up! I wake him up and he tells me that he does not have to be in till 9 thank goodness. He asks me how I am feeling and I tell him ok but once I get up from the bed I realize how wrong I truly am. I am so dizzy, so nauseaous, so weak. This is not good readers. I even allowed him to take the last bit of coffee without fighting. That is not me!! I start my whining and complaining about how I do not want to take these awful pills and he has to put his foot down, readers my husband rarely puts his foot down so this was a shocking thing to me, and tells me I have to take the pills because I need to get better. He then tells our son who is the only one awake to take care of his mom today for him. That was so sweet. So now I am sitting here writing my blog after I took those pills and made a little more coffee and am so grateful to have a man who loves me so much that he will tell me exactly what I do not want to hear so that I can get better not only for me but for him and our kids. My daughter, the oldest, wakes up and comes to check on me, she serves me some coffee, sits and talks with me and even checks me for a fever. Readers I am so blessed with my little family. They love me so much and even though they suffer when mom is sick they do not make me feel bad for needing to take care of me. My daughter even told me "ok when you finish your blog you go and lie down because you are not going to be good to anyone if you don't get any better". I am so blessed readers.
"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her" Proverbs 31:28. This is why I know how blessed I am with my family because they are like this with me.
Readers keep me in your prayers that I can withstand this treatment and thank you in advance for your prayers.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Surviving with Humor
Readers my husband and my kids are hilarious! I ask them for ideas of what to write about since for some reason, maybe because of my lack of sleep or because of the pain I have been having this past week, I can not come up with ANYTHING! Nothing at all! How is it that a woman who seems to never be lost for words, at least in my head, has NOTHING to say. I am sure my husband and my kids would agree that me being at a loss for words is uncharacteristic of me! I always have something to say!! So I ask my wonderful husband and my amazing trio of kids what should I write about? Want to hear their ideas readers? OK here we go.
My son starts dancing the Egyptian with a fishy face on and said "write about surviving this mom!" LOL he is a child who has ADHD and is a bucket full of energy on any given minute of the day. How do you survive a child who has more energy than an energizer battery? How do you cope when you at times wish you could have even one iota of the energy he has so you can keep up with him? Perseverance readers, perseverance. So much of it that I at times do not believe I have it at all. Let's put it this way readers I don't believe I have any since I can not even spell the word. Thank God for spell check readers. Thank God. But my son is amazing readers. Not just cause he is my son but he is so wonderful. He is hyper and there are days when I am ready to pass out on the couch because I am so exhausted with him but he has such a kind heart. He has such a loving disposition. He loves me so much that he wants to sit still on my lap at the age of 9 and watch TV with me while we cuddle. I do not know many 9 years olds who still love their mommies so much. He has such a heart that I know he will take the world by storm and he will right injustices along his way because he is always the one who roots for the underdog. He brings a smile to my face and he has learned how to make me laugh by just making that fishy face and dancing either by doing the Egyptian or dancing with a fishy face and copying Michael Jackson's Thriller dance. He is so funny. He is smart, he is loving and I know that I am doing right by him because he one day will grow up to be a Godly man. Proverbs 22:6 tells us "Raise a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." I know my boy will always serve the Lord even if he is serving him while making others laugh dancing around with a fishy face.
My younger daughter she is the family clown. The faces she makes along with the voices she does makes even the most serious person around laugh and laugh till they can no longer laugh! She has this fascination with Llamas lately. One they are funny looking. They really are. If you have never seen a Llama google one right now. You will not regret it because they will make you laugh!! Now her fascination with Llamas to some may be rather disturbing but she wants to experiment with making a Llama go boom boom! I know deep down that she does not really want to do this but she does make all her jokes about Llamas going boom boom! Now she says it in this little, little girl voice who is extremely polite and wants to make a Llama explode. It throws you off guard and you can not help but laugh. When I asked about what I should write about her response was in that tiny little girl voice "How about you write about how to survive a Llama going boom boom?" LOL oh readers this child is too funny. But you know what she is so creative. She can write and she is so good at writing! She can take something as mundane as writing about a President and make you so enthralled in her writing. She even decided in her Bible Class at Co-Op to write the Parable of the Exploding Llama! LOL Her teacher ran to me laughing to read the Parable out loud in front of all the moms. Something that for a minute was embarrassing and once the minute was over I realized how funny it was and a sense of pride hit me. She is so creative!! Readers my daughter is 11 years old and even though I know deep down how smart she is she also has retained a child like innocence. I love that! Now a days it is so rare to have an 11 year old have child like innocence and it is special to me that she still has it. Matthew 18: 3 says: "And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Her humor and her innocence are priceless readers. She makes me laugh even when my stubborn self thinks I do not want to laugh at all. She makes a silly face, speaks with a silly voice and I am bouncing up and down with laughter. If you know me you know one I laugh and laugh with my whole body and two I LOVE TO LAUGH!
Than comes my oldest daughter. Readers she is 12 going on 21! She is funny though. Her humor has developed in a more teen angst type of humor. When asked what I should write about this was her comment: "Why don't you write about surviving putting your used sugar packets in the trash?" LOL You see readers I am a huge (and this is no pun on my size here) coffeeholic! I will go get my coffee every morning, every mid morning, every afternoon, and every late afternoon and when I serve my coffee I ALWAYS leave the sweetener packets open and empty on the counter next to coffee maker. She always goes behind me like my mom and calls my attention to the fact that I left them on the counter. Every day all day long. Let me clarify something readers not too long ago was I having to go behind my husband and my kids picking up everything after them and when I say not too long ago I mean just this past week. So I leave sugar packets out. Truth be told readers since I feel I want to be 100% honest with you all. I get my kicks out of doing that! It cracks me up to see her go in the kitchen and see the sugar packets and her roll her eyes and say: "mami what is this?!" Like I would tell them when they leave something lying around!! LOL but my daughter has become such an amazing young woman and I know one day she is going to make an amazing mother, after all she is learning from me.... LOL. She just broke an argument between her siblings and told them "now say you are sorry and hug and kiss each other". I say that ALL THE TIME! I am proud of my daughter. She is so amazing, so responsible and so caring. She has taken up the reins in this house especially now that I am sick and I know that she will grow up to be an amazing woman one day. "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." Proverbs 20:11. Her conduct, her reputation is what people know of her and she even with the teen angst humor is such a great kid.
Now comes my husband. OH LORD help me because he is the silliest of them all. If you all think my children are silly than you should all see my husband. Let's put it this way he is the man who at the church's valentines day dinner during the Karaoke stands up behind his daughter at the Karaoke machine to do background dancing, I was even surprised when he got the Pastor to join him in the dancing. My husband goes and dances around the house just to make me laugh or to make the kids laugh. My husband is notorious for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and in the wrong context and when you tell him that he just says: "You know what I mean!" Readers let me enlighten you on a little something: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HE MEANS... LOL. When faced with the question what I should write about he said: "Why not write about surviving an exploded uterus!" OK let me give you a bit of back story on this one here. About 5 minutes before I asked the family this question I had sneezed and sneezed so hard that with all the pain I have been having this sneeze really hurt. I said joking: "Oh I think my uterus just exploded with this sneeze!" That is why my husband suggested I write about that! LOL. He is so funny. He is so supportive too. He knows I am going through my own personal hell here with the pain from all the doctors probing, from the fear of what might come, from the pain again (it is really painful and so I thought it deemed mentioning twice...LOL), and from the emotions I have been going through. My husband is so wonderful that he even asked for the time off tomorrow to come with me to the doctor because if I get bad news he wants to be there for me. I told him last night that I am happy he is going to be there in the waiting room for me. He looks at me and says: "the waiting room?!?!" I said yes! The rooms back there are tiny and you get into everything and drive me insane that by the time the doctor comes in they are going to have to wheel me straight to the Phychiatric Ward because of you! LOL I told him wait for me and afterwards we will get us a cup of coffee and talk about what the doctor said. Colossians 3:14 says it all for us: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity".
Readers thank you for reading along with my family silliness. I hope it all brought a laugh to you as it does to me and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
My son starts dancing the Egyptian with a fishy face on and said "write about surviving this mom!" LOL he is a child who has ADHD and is a bucket full of energy on any given minute of the day. How do you survive a child who has more energy than an energizer battery? How do you cope when you at times wish you could have even one iota of the energy he has so you can keep up with him? Perseverance readers, perseverance. So much of it that I at times do not believe I have it at all. Let's put it this way readers I don't believe I have any since I can not even spell the word. Thank God for spell check readers. Thank God. But my son is amazing readers. Not just cause he is my son but he is so wonderful. He is hyper and there are days when I am ready to pass out on the couch because I am so exhausted with him but he has such a kind heart. He has such a loving disposition. He loves me so much that he wants to sit still on my lap at the age of 9 and watch TV with me while we cuddle. I do not know many 9 years olds who still love their mommies so much. He has such a heart that I know he will take the world by storm and he will right injustices along his way because he is always the one who roots for the underdog. He brings a smile to my face and he has learned how to make me laugh by just making that fishy face and dancing either by doing the Egyptian or dancing with a fishy face and copying Michael Jackson's Thriller dance. He is so funny. He is smart, he is loving and I know that I am doing right by him because he one day will grow up to be a Godly man. Proverbs 22:6 tells us "Raise a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." I know my boy will always serve the Lord even if he is serving him while making others laugh dancing around with a fishy face.
My younger daughter she is the family clown. The faces she makes along with the voices she does makes even the most serious person around laugh and laugh till they can no longer laugh! She has this fascination with Llamas lately. One they are funny looking. They really are. If you have never seen a Llama google one right now. You will not regret it because they will make you laugh!! Now her fascination with Llamas to some may be rather disturbing but she wants to experiment with making a Llama go boom boom! I know deep down that she does not really want to do this but she does make all her jokes about Llamas going boom boom! Now she says it in this little, little girl voice who is extremely polite and wants to make a Llama explode. It throws you off guard and you can not help but laugh. When I asked about what I should write about her response was in that tiny little girl voice "How about you write about how to survive a Llama going boom boom?" LOL oh readers this child is too funny. But you know what she is so creative. She can write and she is so good at writing! She can take something as mundane as writing about a President and make you so enthralled in her writing. She even decided in her Bible Class at Co-Op to write the Parable of the Exploding Llama! LOL Her teacher ran to me laughing to read the Parable out loud in front of all the moms. Something that for a minute was embarrassing and once the minute was over I realized how funny it was and a sense of pride hit me. She is so creative!! Readers my daughter is 11 years old and even though I know deep down how smart she is she also has retained a child like innocence. I love that! Now a days it is so rare to have an 11 year old have child like innocence and it is special to me that she still has it. Matthew 18: 3 says: "And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Her humor and her innocence are priceless readers. She makes me laugh even when my stubborn self thinks I do not want to laugh at all. She makes a silly face, speaks with a silly voice and I am bouncing up and down with laughter. If you know me you know one I laugh and laugh with my whole body and two I LOVE TO LAUGH!
Than comes my oldest daughter. Readers she is 12 going on 21! She is funny though. Her humor has developed in a more teen angst type of humor. When asked what I should write about this was her comment: "Why don't you write about surviving putting your used sugar packets in the trash?" LOL You see readers I am a huge (and this is no pun on my size here) coffeeholic! I will go get my coffee every morning, every mid morning, every afternoon, and every late afternoon and when I serve my coffee I ALWAYS leave the sweetener packets open and empty on the counter next to coffee maker. She always goes behind me like my mom and calls my attention to the fact that I left them on the counter. Every day all day long. Let me clarify something readers not too long ago was I having to go behind my husband and my kids picking up everything after them and when I say not too long ago I mean just this past week. So I leave sugar packets out. Truth be told readers since I feel I want to be 100% honest with you all. I get my kicks out of doing that! It cracks me up to see her go in the kitchen and see the sugar packets and her roll her eyes and say: "mami what is this?!" Like I would tell them when they leave something lying around!! LOL but my daughter has become such an amazing young woman and I know one day she is going to make an amazing mother, after all she is learning from me.... LOL. She just broke an argument between her siblings and told them "now say you are sorry and hug and kiss each other". I say that ALL THE TIME! I am proud of my daughter. She is so amazing, so responsible and so caring. She has taken up the reins in this house especially now that I am sick and I know that she will grow up to be an amazing woman one day. "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." Proverbs 20:11. Her conduct, her reputation is what people know of her and she even with the teen angst humor is such a great kid.
Now comes my husband. OH LORD help me because he is the silliest of them all. If you all think my children are silly than you should all see my husband. Let's put it this way he is the man who at the church's valentines day dinner during the Karaoke stands up behind his daughter at the Karaoke machine to do background dancing, I was even surprised when he got the Pastor to join him in the dancing. My husband goes and dances around the house just to make me laugh or to make the kids laugh. My husband is notorious for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and in the wrong context and when you tell him that he just says: "You know what I mean!" Readers let me enlighten you on a little something: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HE MEANS... LOL. When faced with the question what I should write about he said: "Why not write about surviving an exploded uterus!" OK let me give you a bit of back story on this one here. About 5 minutes before I asked the family this question I had sneezed and sneezed so hard that with all the pain I have been having this sneeze really hurt. I said joking: "Oh I think my uterus just exploded with this sneeze!" That is why my husband suggested I write about that! LOL. He is so funny. He is so supportive too. He knows I am going through my own personal hell here with the pain from all the doctors probing, from the fear of what might come, from the pain again (it is really painful and so I thought it deemed mentioning twice...LOL), and from the emotions I have been going through. My husband is so wonderful that he even asked for the time off tomorrow to come with me to the doctor because if I get bad news he wants to be there for me. I told him last night that I am happy he is going to be there in the waiting room for me. He looks at me and says: "the waiting room?!?!" I said yes! The rooms back there are tiny and you get into everything and drive me insane that by the time the doctor comes in they are going to have to wheel me straight to the Phychiatric Ward because of you! LOL I told him wait for me and afterwards we will get us a cup of coffee and talk about what the doctor said. Colossians 3:14 says it all for us: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity".
Readers thank you for reading along with my family silliness. I hope it all brought a laugh to you as it does to me and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
How Do You Survive Hurtful Words
Readers the past couple of days have been so hard on me. Yes I celebrated my anniversary with my husband but we didn't really celebrate at all because for the past couple of days my heart little by little feels like it has been broken. Broken by hurtful words. Broken by ignorance and broken because even though the hurtful words pierced a dagger in my heart the one wielding the dagger is someone who I love terribly. Someone who I love with that heart that was pierced.
I have taken an approach to my situation, my life that apparently goes against the Status Quo. I can not apologize and I will refuse to apologize for coping the best way I know how and that is through humor. I have seen on Facebook time and time again a quote that fits my situation perfectly right now and please allow me to share it with you even though I know most everyone is on Facebook and has probably seen this quote time and time again but it fits my situation perfectly right now. It says "I am only responsible for what I say, not what you understand." Apparently my humor about my own situation has offended, has bothered, and has allowed my dagger wielding person to not accept that this is my life, it is happening to me and not them, and I am tired of walking on egg shells about something that is my life.
Let me clarify something here readers I am a loving and caring individual but when attacked for something that I feel has no merit to be attacked on I can and I will get defensive. I am the one going through this right now. I feel I am allowed to talk about my situation. I have this blog and I love that others are reading it. That others maybe just possibly could see that I am going through this and that if they are going through the same or similar that they can find some support here. I was told I have endless posts about cancer. Readers this is what I am going through right now and so it is what I talk about. But if you have read my blog you know that they are not ALL about cancer. Most are but I am also a mother and so I write about my children, I am a homeschool educator and I write about homeschooling, I am a wife and a military spouse and I have talked about my marriage. I am a Christian and ALL my blog posts talk about Christ and how I go to him and lean on him for support. I was told that I complain too much and that this is life so to pretty much suck it up and just deal with life without complaining about every little thing. I was told if only I would put myself in others shoes I would not joke about cancer. I know I have not complained to the extent of someone telling me that I complain too much. If you are physically around me you know that when asked how I am doing, and it always gets asked the same way, with a sad look in the eyes, soft tones and sympathetic head tilt, I always say I am ok and if I state something I am "complaining" about it is that I am tired. I am tired readers! I am tired because I have a house, I have three kids, I have three dogs, I have a life that guess what I am dealing with. I was told than too that I seem to just want attention. This blog is my thoughts. My way to communicate what I am feeling because I am not good at always vocalizing myself. Do I have readers on this blog? Yes but I am not blogging just to draw attention to myself I am blogging to let out my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. For those who know me personally you know I do not question you: "Hey did you read my blog?" If you come up to me and talk to me about my blog I will most definitely talk back and strike up a conversation regarding it but I do not initiate. If I were seeking all this attention I would bring it up in every type of human interaction that I have and yet I don't.
I was told that they do not appreciate that I am claiming the cancer. OK a part me can understand this. This person loves me and does not want to hear that I have cancer but how can I not claim it? It is what is happening and I can not deny it. Do I say that I am claiming the cancer will take me? I am in every chance I get saying that I will NOT allow it to defeat me but it is there. I am fighting but I claim it is there. It is like us saying there is no devil or no evil in this world. There is! To know that there is a God you also know that there is a devil as well. I am claiming the fact that there is a devil and in my case right now my demon is the demon of infirmary, of cancer. But I am also claiming that my God in heaven is stronger than that. I know my God will heal me and there is absolutely NO doubt in my mind that he will. I know that I will have healing in one way or another whether the healing comes from surgery, comes from Chemo, Radiation, Hormone therapy or even a MIRACLE. I know I will be healed but I will not deny that I have what I have just so others can feel better about the situation. Denying something does not give you power over it. Denying something makes you weaker to it. I claim healing over the illness I have because I know I will have my power that way.
The last part that hurt readers is the fact that I have been deemed needless drama. I have deemed as something to ignore because you do not want to hear about my situation and my coping and the worse part is if it were a random person off the street I wouldn't bat and eye but I am deemed this by a person I love. So how do you survive hurtful words such as this? Prayer, Prayer, Prayer and the Word. God is the one who helps. I have never felt a depression before, not really. I have been sad and sadder than most times before but depression is not something I can say I had ever fully felt until now. I do not want to have to go and get what is pleasantly referred to as "happy pills" and if only I could afford with the money and the time to go see a Therapist but I know I have the best therapist around and He is God. I have the best "happy pills" around that is through prayer and immersing myself in the Word. Allow me now to share some of my "happy pills" with you all now: Psalm 34:17 tells us this: "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles." I am crying out to my Lord and He will deliver me from this. I know that. I know He is the same today, yesterday and always and if He delivered David of his troubles than He will deliver me out of mine. Isaiah an amazing prophet of God tells us in Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." I am currently going through the fire with these hurtful words. I am currently feeling like the waters will take me and I will be swept under by it all but again why would I doubt that God would not do the same for me as He has done for others. He will lift me up when I am weak, when I am downhearted and when I am struggling to stay positive. He as I have said time and time again is my fortress through it all. And the passage that has just brighten me up so much because it says that it is ok to be ok. It is ok to be lighthearted, to be overjoyed because I know one day His glory will shine through in my life is 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Readers I have felt these past couple of days alienated from my loved ones because of the hurtful words. I have gone through the pain and the suffering by myself because when I felt that I wanted to reach out and talk to them I couldn't but I through feeling this way. I have a God who will be my side always holding me up. I have an amazing husband who tells me that he loves me when I feel like I am not loved. I have a sister who calls to check up on me when I feel sick, in pain or even just sad and I have great friends who laugh alongside me even when I make light of my current situation. And I have you readers who I know are walking along with me in my journey. I have all that I need in that.
Readers thanks for your continued prayers for me. Readers thanks for your support of me and as always remember to
Be Blessed in HIM
I have taken an approach to my situation, my life that apparently goes against the Status Quo. I can not apologize and I will refuse to apologize for coping the best way I know how and that is through humor. I have seen on Facebook time and time again a quote that fits my situation perfectly right now and please allow me to share it with you even though I know most everyone is on Facebook and has probably seen this quote time and time again but it fits my situation perfectly right now. It says "I am only responsible for what I say, not what you understand." Apparently my humor about my own situation has offended, has bothered, and has allowed my dagger wielding person to not accept that this is my life, it is happening to me and not them, and I am tired of walking on egg shells about something that is my life.
Let me clarify something here readers I am a loving and caring individual but when attacked for something that I feel has no merit to be attacked on I can and I will get defensive. I am the one going through this right now. I feel I am allowed to talk about my situation. I have this blog and I love that others are reading it. That others maybe just possibly could see that I am going through this and that if they are going through the same or similar that they can find some support here. I was told I have endless posts about cancer. Readers this is what I am going through right now and so it is what I talk about. But if you have read my blog you know that they are not ALL about cancer. Most are but I am also a mother and so I write about my children, I am a homeschool educator and I write about homeschooling, I am a wife and a military spouse and I have talked about my marriage. I am a Christian and ALL my blog posts talk about Christ and how I go to him and lean on him for support. I was told that I complain too much and that this is life so to pretty much suck it up and just deal with life without complaining about every little thing. I was told if only I would put myself in others shoes I would not joke about cancer. I know I have not complained to the extent of someone telling me that I complain too much. If you are physically around me you know that when asked how I am doing, and it always gets asked the same way, with a sad look in the eyes, soft tones and sympathetic head tilt, I always say I am ok and if I state something I am "complaining" about it is that I am tired. I am tired readers! I am tired because I have a house, I have three kids, I have three dogs, I have a life that guess what I am dealing with. I was told than too that I seem to just want attention. This blog is my thoughts. My way to communicate what I am feeling because I am not good at always vocalizing myself. Do I have readers on this blog? Yes but I am not blogging just to draw attention to myself I am blogging to let out my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. For those who know me personally you know I do not question you: "Hey did you read my blog?" If you come up to me and talk to me about my blog I will most definitely talk back and strike up a conversation regarding it but I do not initiate. If I were seeking all this attention I would bring it up in every type of human interaction that I have and yet I don't.
I was told that they do not appreciate that I am claiming the cancer. OK a part me can understand this. This person loves me and does not want to hear that I have cancer but how can I not claim it? It is what is happening and I can not deny it. Do I say that I am claiming the cancer will take me? I am in every chance I get saying that I will NOT allow it to defeat me but it is there. I am fighting but I claim it is there. It is like us saying there is no devil or no evil in this world. There is! To know that there is a God you also know that there is a devil as well. I am claiming the fact that there is a devil and in my case right now my demon is the demon of infirmary, of cancer. But I am also claiming that my God in heaven is stronger than that. I know my God will heal me and there is absolutely NO doubt in my mind that he will. I know that I will have healing in one way or another whether the healing comes from surgery, comes from Chemo, Radiation, Hormone therapy or even a MIRACLE. I know I will be healed but I will not deny that I have what I have just so others can feel better about the situation. Denying something does not give you power over it. Denying something makes you weaker to it. I claim healing over the illness I have because I know I will have my power that way.
The last part that hurt readers is the fact that I have been deemed needless drama. I have deemed as something to ignore because you do not want to hear about my situation and my coping and the worse part is if it were a random person off the street I wouldn't bat and eye but I am deemed this by a person I love. So how do you survive hurtful words such as this? Prayer, Prayer, Prayer and the Word. God is the one who helps. I have never felt a depression before, not really. I have been sad and sadder than most times before but depression is not something I can say I had ever fully felt until now. I do not want to have to go and get what is pleasantly referred to as "happy pills" and if only I could afford with the money and the time to go see a Therapist but I know I have the best therapist around and He is God. I have the best "happy pills" around that is through prayer and immersing myself in the Word. Allow me now to share some of my "happy pills" with you all now: Psalm 34:17 tells us this: "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles." I am crying out to my Lord and He will deliver me from this. I know that. I know He is the same today, yesterday and always and if He delivered David of his troubles than He will deliver me out of mine. Isaiah an amazing prophet of God tells us in Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." I am currently going through the fire with these hurtful words. I am currently feeling like the waters will take me and I will be swept under by it all but again why would I doubt that God would not do the same for me as He has done for others. He will lift me up when I am weak, when I am downhearted and when I am struggling to stay positive. He as I have said time and time again is my fortress through it all. And the passage that has just brighten me up so much because it says that it is ok to be ok. It is ok to be lighthearted, to be overjoyed because I know one day His glory will shine through in my life is 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Readers I have felt these past couple of days alienated from my loved ones because of the hurtful words. I have gone through the pain and the suffering by myself because when I felt that I wanted to reach out and talk to them I couldn't but I through feeling this way. I have a God who will be my side always holding me up. I have an amazing husband who tells me that he loves me when I feel like I am not loved. I have a sister who calls to check up on me when I feel sick, in pain or even just sad and I have great friends who laugh alongside me even when I make light of my current situation. And I have you readers who I know are walking along with me in my journey. I have all that I need in that.
Readers thanks for your continued prayers for me. Readers thanks for your support of me and as always remember to
Be Blessed in HIM
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Marriage
Readers today is my 13th Wedding Anniversary! Looking back it has surely been an adventure. You see readers I met my husband through a "blind date" by mutual friends. I remember when I first saw my husband, I saw him and he was everything I thought I did not want! LOL. He was short and even though I am short I thought my future husband would be tall! He, well, how do I put this lightly, he has a nose that doesn't quit! LOL I don't think I put that so lightly. And I remember always saying I would never like a Pinocchio! LOL. He has amazing green eyes but to be honest I never noticed them at first because of the height, the nose and he was dressed like some hoodlum off the street! How did I end up with this man and boy did I end up with him. That first night readers he was so funny and that is what I think really won my heart and my attention. He used the cheesiest pick up line I ever heard. He kept insisting that he had seen me before even with my constant insistance that we never had met before. Since that first night we were together. His silliness, his smile, and finally his eyes won me over and the truth is I was putty in the man's hands since day one. I even tell my daughters today that a man's looks, his bank roll, his suaveness can all fade away but a man who can make you laugh will make you laugh till the day you die.
We had a whirlwind romance. We were married just 4 months after we met and today we celebrate 13 years together. We were both so young and carefree when we got married. I still remember the day like it was just yesterday. I was working for the High School and decided that since I could not take vacation time yet but wanted to give myself a "honeymoon" I chose to get married the Saturday before Spring Break. Much to my dismay there was two flaws to this plan. One was that Saturday before Spring Break was the Calle Ocho concert series in Florida and everyone, almost everyone, went to Miami for the Concerts instead of coming to our wedding and even though I had a week off for Spring Break my new husband had started a new job about a month before the wedding so he had NO time off. We had a very small wedding. I would guesstimate about 50 people in attendance. I picked absolutely nothing for my wedding except for my headpiece and veil. This was us on our wedding day:
The dress was beautiful but it was borrowed from a friend. I did love that train though. I made me feel like a real princess since it was rather a long train. Right before leaving for the church for my wedding I am in my wedding dress and as you can see it was huge! I was walking out of my bedroom thinking I was headed straight to the church to become Mrs. Perez and had even done the look at my room, you know the look readers, the one where you look lovingly at your things and say your sorrowful goodbye when there is a knock at our front door. I wondered who the heck could this be? Whoever it is should know to go straight to the church but as my father opens the door he tells me to turn around and head back to my room. My groom was at the door. OK readers a small part of me thought he was there to call off the wedding and panic sinked in as I waited in my bedroom with my Maid of Honor. About 10 minutes past when my mom comes in to get us. She giggles and tells me he did not know how to tie his bow tie of his tux so he came to have my dad help him with it since he did not have his parents around to be with him. My very small court of bridesmaids and groomsmen (2 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen 1 maid of honor and best man and my witnesses along with 2 flower girls) walk down the aisle and it is my turn. My daddy walks me down to my groom when I noticed that everyone but him is facing me. So weird! Apparently the Pastor told him to wait to see me until he asks the question: "And who gives this woman to this man".... or something like that. I could just imagine the thoughts running through his mind. I can just imagine him thinking back to his childhood and remembering the story of Jacob in Sunday School who wanted to marry Rachel but first got Leah because she was the oldest. Poor guy must have thought will it really be her under that veil after I say "I Do?" LOL. Once my father gave me away to him though all I could notice was the fear in his face and eyes. Truth be told readers the man did not look at my face until the end when the Pastor had us face the congregation and said "I now present you with Mr and Mrs Perez you may now kiss the bride." I wonder if he thought wow am I ready for this? Or if he mentally was planning his escape during the ceremony, had the exit strategy planned out, or maybe he was willing someone with his mind to speak now and not hold their peace but he was so nervous. At the reception was when his smile came back and I once again remembered why I was in love with this man that was now my husband. My husband that was something I could not get over hearing at first. Its weird to hear it when your entire life you have been single, living your life your way, doing what you wanted to do and now there was a husband you had to include into your life, your thought process, your decisions. We barely had any money and we received just enough at our wedding to get one night at a hotel down the street from my parents house but not even the honeymoon suite just a regular suite. That was our honeymoon. We spent one night together at the hotel then went to my parents house the next day to eat lunch and dinner with them before going home to our new apartment. I spent my Spring Break, honeymoon, alone in our apartment while my husband worked. But hey at least he would come home every night for dinner back then. Now a days I can not always guarantee the Army will let him come home in time for dinner.
This past year I wanted to renew our vows since even though we had a wedding we never had the wedding we wanted. I never got to dance with him or even my father. I never picked out a single thing in regards to the music, decor, the dress, the bridesmaid dresses, the food, the cake or even the flavors. I wanted to plan my own wedding. I actually wanted to renew my vows at our 10 year anniversary but we couldn't afford it than so I decided we should renew for our 11th year Anniversary but that did not happen since my husband enlisted into the Army.
Then for our 12th anniversary we were packing up everything and moving to Fort Bliss, TX 1,700 miles away from our family and friends. We have had a rollercoaster of a marriage. Before our one year anniversary we were parents. We have three kids all roughly 18-19 months apart from each other. We moved from apartment, to house to house while we rented. We packed up our lives once and moved away to South Texas where we lived for roughly two years apart from everyone. There my husband gave me such a wonderful gift. He bought us both a new set of wedding rings since I did not even pick out my original ones. We got them with crosses on them because we love that we were putting God in our marriage:
Aren't they beautiful?
I moved back home with my parents and my kids while my husband went to Basic Training and AIT and he was away from us for about 6- 7 months. This next picture was when he came home for what is called Christmas Exodus from AIT:
Oh that was such a great surprise we gave to our kids. We surprised them by putting daddy inside a large Christmas present box and had them open their "gift". It was just awesome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQsCVaO-UMg
Now we are here thirteen years later stronger than ever before. We have faced trials and tribulations, we have faced sorrows and joys, we have overcome so much even a deployment after a very short reunion together. This was our happiness when he returned from deployment.
And of course my joy as well LOL:
Point being that I am glad that I did not let my insecurities stop me from marrying the man who gave me a life that may be hard at times but one I would never trade for anything.
Our Pastor has been preaching on Ephesians lately. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word" Ephesians 5:22-26. As our Pastor put it submitting to your husband readers is not a four letter word and truth be told as our Pastor stated if a husband loves his wife the way Christ loves the church, I mean Christ gave his life for us, than how hard can it really be to submit to a man who loves you as much as that? I hope you all have a wonderful day and that all of you find happiness, joy and love as I have in the man God had for me.
Be Blessed in HIM!
We had a whirlwind romance. We were married just 4 months after we met and today we celebrate 13 years together. We were both so young and carefree when we got married. I still remember the day like it was just yesterday. I was working for the High School and decided that since I could not take vacation time yet but wanted to give myself a "honeymoon" I chose to get married the Saturday before Spring Break. Much to my dismay there was two flaws to this plan. One was that Saturday before Spring Break was the Calle Ocho concert series in Florida and everyone, almost everyone, went to Miami for the Concerts instead of coming to our wedding and even though I had a week off for Spring Break my new husband had started a new job about a month before the wedding so he had NO time off. We had a very small wedding. I would guesstimate about 50 people in attendance. I picked absolutely nothing for my wedding except for my headpiece and veil. This was us on our wedding day:
This past year I wanted to renew our vows since even though we had a wedding we never had the wedding we wanted. I never got to dance with him or even my father. I never picked out a single thing in regards to the music, decor, the dress, the bridesmaid dresses, the food, the cake or even the flavors. I wanted to plan my own wedding. I actually wanted to renew my vows at our 10 year anniversary but we couldn't afford it than so I decided we should renew for our 11th year Anniversary but that did not happen since my husband enlisted into the Army.
I moved back home with my parents and my kids while my husband went to Basic Training and AIT and he was away from us for about 6- 7 months. This next picture was when he came home for what is called Christmas Exodus from AIT:
Now we are here thirteen years later stronger than ever before. We have faced trials and tribulations, we have faced sorrows and joys, we have overcome so much even a deployment after a very short reunion together. This was our happiness when he returned from deployment.
Our Pastor has been preaching on Ephesians lately. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word" Ephesians 5:22-26. As our Pastor put it submitting to your husband readers is not a four letter word and truth be told as our Pastor stated if a husband loves his wife the way Christ loves the church, I mean Christ gave his life for us, than how hard can it really be to submit to a man who loves you as much as that? I hope you all have a wonderful day and that all of you find happiness, joy and love as I have in the man God had for me.
Be Blessed in HIM!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Surviving Fear
Today's post readers is something I am sure we all go through: fear. I personally know I am the biggest scaredy cat there is. I mean I remember once as a kid my sisters and I watched an episode of the Facts Of Life and it was a Halloween Episode and at the end it is Tootie who is left alone with the killer. Readers that is all I remember because honestly I think my subconscious has blocked the rest from my mind and I have no idea who the killer was. Readers like I always say: Don't judge me! I was absolutely terrified. Another time my parents had some either meeting at the church or a date night or something of another and they left me in the most capable hands of my grandmother. My sweet, little old grandmother. Correction readers my grandmother was amazing, she was spunky, she was fun, she was even the absolute most bravest woman I ever knew but to classify her as sweet, little and old is not doing her justice. Well readers this particular night Grandma did not insist on watching Nickelodeon with me because back when I was a kid I do not remember ever having the Disney Channel back then. She had a sofa with a bed which is where I would sleep when I spent the night at her apartment and she enticed me with the promise of a movie night. Grandma never told mom and dad that she planned on a horror movie night! We watched Poltergeist and can you believe the little old lady in that movie looked just like my Grandma?!?! Seriously readers. I was so freaked out with that movie. Another was and again don't judge me I had the my little buddy doll growing up and even when I became a teen I did not get rid of my doll. I used to think he was so cute, so cute until the movie Child's Play came out! Honestly I think I watched about 10-15 minutes of the first movie, I freaked out stormed away and placed my My Little Buddy doll in a box to take out to the trash. Don't even get me started on the time my husband, my sister and her husband took me out to a movie night when I was about 8 months pregnant with my oldest daughter as a last movie night out before the baby came. They chose a movie called "Idle Hands" and readers if you have never seen this movie let me just tell you first off it is a terribly gory movie and second one should never watch it pregnant and lastly one should never watch it with a husband who loves to tease you about your "irrational" fear over scary movies and monsters. Our oldest daughter turns 13 this summer and he still teases me about it! Go ahead readers judge him.... LOL!
I hate being scared. I hate the possibility of fear entering into my life, into my heart, and into my mind. I am what you would call a phobiaphobic, I am fearful of fear. I try to avoid at all cost anything that will scare me. I do not go to haunted houses (I did as a teen and hated it so badly that I did not sleep for weeks), I do not watch scary movies or their trailers, I do not even like my husband driving too fast for fear of crashing. I HATE BEING SCARED!
Today as I was driving to church to take my kids to Co-Op and my sewing class I received a text from my sister that my cousin who is in his battle with cancer seems to be losing his battle. I get to the church. I park my car and send the kids in and begin to cry. I cry and I cry and I cry. I go in the church and seriously I do not break down and cry just by being asked "how are you doing?" but I did. I cried so much and I hate the fact that I did because I cherish my time desperately with my friends and to spend it crying is not what I call a good time with my friends. I love my cousin and I hate the fact that he is going through this but I could not understand in my mind why I cried so much over this. I have had many family members and friends with cancer and yet this time I took this news the hardest. I began to think of him and his family. I began to think of how they must be feeling going through all this. My friend allowed me to realize that I was placing myself in his story. But readers my cousins cancer is one been with him longer than mine has been with me. Two it is more aggressive and progressive than mine and three which is the most obvious of all is that my cousin is NOT me. Sammy made me realize too that I was taking this too hard because in my mind I was putting myself in his shoes. I am so thankful to hear from my sister again that they have him stabilized and all but the whole experience was scary to say the least. I received this diagnosis of Uterine Cancer and in my opinion I have taken it positively but today I began to allow the what ifs into my life. What if I die and Sammy becomes a widower? What if I leave my kids without a mother? What if my parents have to bury their daughter? What if my sisters lose a sister? What if my niece and nephews never hear from me again?
What ifs are our biggest downfall readers. What ifs are what get us down. Deuteronomy 31:6 tells us: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." The Lord will not ever leave me nor will he forsake me but I allowed this fear to enter my life. Isn't God a God of his word? If He said He will never leave nor forsake me then why am I allowing myself to fear this? Isn't God stronger than cancer? Doesn't God have more power than cancer? Psalm 56:3-4 tells us this: "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" Here I want to change when it says what can mortal man do to me to what can CANCER do to me? God is there with me. He will guide me, protect me, care for me. And finally 1 Peter 3: 13-14 says: "Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened."I am eager to do good. I am eager to spread the Gospel and eager to spread the Love of Christ to others through this blog. Will I suffer? Yes I am sure I will because even if all I have to endure is the surgery there will still be physical suffering to go along with that but I need to leave my fear readers. I need to kick it to the curb. My God is not a God of fear and I have to fight this spiritual battle with God at my side. Our church has been studying the book of Ephesians and up next should be the part about putting on the full armor of God. Readers I challenge each and every one of you to do as I plan to do from now on and place the Armor of God on each and every morning. I will pray each and every morning that I wear the Helmet of Salvation, the Breastplate of Righteousness, the Belt of Truth, the Shoes of Peace to Spread the Gospel, the Shield of Faith and the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. Let us be prepared for this battle readers. Mine right now is against fear. What is yours against?
I hate being scared. I hate the possibility of fear entering into my life, into my heart, and into my mind. I am what you would call a phobiaphobic, I am fearful of fear. I try to avoid at all cost anything that will scare me. I do not go to haunted houses (I did as a teen and hated it so badly that I did not sleep for weeks), I do not watch scary movies or their trailers, I do not even like my husband driving too fast for fear of crashing. I HATE BEING SCARED!
Today as I was driving to church to take my kids to Co-Op and my sewing class I received a text from my sister that my cousin who is in his battle with cancer seems to be losing his battle. I get to the church. I park my car and send the kids in and begin to cry. I cry and I cry and I cry. I go in the church and seriously I do not break down and cry just by being asked "how are you doing?" but I did. I cried so much and I hate the fact that I did because I cherish my time desperately with my friends and to spend it crying is not what I call a good time with my friends. I love my cousin and I hate the fact that he is going through this but I could not understand in my mind why I cried so much over this. I have had many family members and friends with cancer and yet this time I took this news the hardest. I began to think of him and his family. I began to think of how they must be feeling going through all this. My friend allowed me to realize that I was placing myself in his story. But readers my cousins cancer is one been with him longer than mine has been with me. Two it is more aggressive and progressive than mine and three which is the most obvious of all is that my cousin is NOT me. Sammy made me realize too that I was taking this too hard because in my mind I was putting myself in his shoes. I am so thankful to hear from my sister again that they have him stabilized and all but the whole experience was scary to say the least. I received this diagnosis of Uterine Cancer and in my opinion I have taken it positively but today I began to allow the what ifs into my life. What if I die and Sammy becomes a widower? What if I leave my kids without a mother? What if my parents have to bury their daughter? What if my sisters lose a sister? What if my niece and nephews never hear from me again?
What ifs are our biggest downfall readers. What ifs are what get us down. Deuteronomy 31:6 tells us: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." The Lord will not ever leave me nor will he forsake me but I allowed this fear to enter my life. Isn't God a God of his word? If He said He will never leave nor forsake me then why am I allowing myself to fear this? Isn't God stronger than cancer? Doesn't God have more power than cancer? Psalm 56:3-4 tells us this: "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" Here I want to change when it says what can mortal man do to me to what can CANCER do to me? God is there with me. He will guide me, protect me, care for me. And finally 1 Peter 3: 13-14 says: "Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened."I am eager to do good. I am eager to spread the Gospel and eager to spread the Love of Christ to others through this blog. Will I suffer? Yes I am sure I will because even if all I have to endure is the surgery there will still be physical suffering to go along with that but I need to leave my fear readers. I need to kick it to the curb. My God is not a God of fear and I have to fight this spiritual battle with God at my side. Our church has been studying the book of Ephesians and up next should be the part about putting on the full armor of God. Readers I challenge each and every one of you to do as I plan to do from now on and place the Armor of God on each and every morning. I will pray each and every morning that I wear the Helmet of Salvation, the Breastplate of Righteousness, the Belt of Truth, the Shoes of Peace to Spread the Gospel, the Shield of Faith and the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. Let us be prepared for this battle readers. Mine right now is against fear. What is yours against?
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Joys, The Struggles, The Neverending Cycle of Being a Homeschool Mom
So readers, today's post is about surviving the "joys" that come with being a mom to three kids who homeschool. Why you might ask is the word joys italicized it is because I am being sarcastic. As I sit here to write this post I want to invite you into my home and my life. Come with me on today's journey readers. I do not actually invite you over to my home right this minute as it looks like one of these has come right through my front door:
But allow me through my words to transport you here. OK so I am sitting here at my "desk" in the dining room while my children are around me or coming in and out of the dining room from their rooms to ask me one thing or another. I have my beautiful friend right next to me practically being ignored through all the constant questions.
Readers I only wish my cup of coffee looked that pretty but hey its coffee and that is all that matters. Anywho I digressed as I tend to do. My children are my world to me. I as their mother love them oh so much and would love to see them just like this in my heart. This would be my oldest Lissy:
And my younger daughter Kiki:
And even my son Jordan:
Oh but alas that is not the case. Most days here in our little homeschool this is what I get from those adorable little angels:
And it leads this mama here to for the most part look like this when my husband comes home from work:
Oh caption and all readers, caption and all!! But what do my kids think about mom when she is this stressed out trying to help them with their co-op homework, get them going on their school work or even trying to finish as much of my classes as possible before my upcoming surgery? This is what my kids look like when I am at my wits end, searching boarding school options because public school is just not enough, when I am ready to throttle someone because in the past 30 minutes I was only able to read one sentence over and over again in my school book and my precious cup of Joe has had to be re-heated three times? Do you want to see the face these three "angels" give me readers? Are you prepared for this? Well here it is:
Yup with them everything is just happy go lucky in this world! LOL. No readers I love my kids to the max. My kids make me laugh, they make me better each and everyday. Oh just how I wish for breaks here and there but I know that God has called me in this season of my life to Homeschool them so that is what I will continue to do.
Readers being a mom is sometimes the hardest job in life and it is sometimes the most difficult thing to survive. How can I say that you ask when I just found out I have cancer? Well let's put it this way. Cancer is not something I ever asked for and children I did. Cancer is not a blessing, at least not one that can always be seen, but children are. Cancer is something I can fight to get rid of but children are not. I can say "You know what it really sucks having cancer! I hate this!" But I don't ever wish to say that about motherhood. I love my children and they know I will ALWAYS love them but not always like their choices they make. Trust me I will NEVER love the cancer.
Being a mom is a full time job. It is just as hard as it rewarding and some days I wonder if I will even see the reward that day because all they do is argue, complain and throw one hissy fit after another but then there are days when the joy is overflowing. I choose to focus more on those days and allow the bad ones to pass like I know they will. All of it will pass but I want one day when my kids are grown to know: "Hey I did something right!" Will I ever get my degree? I hope but my degree won't mean as much to me as my kids life, their upbringing and the legacy I leave them with. Will I ever get my dream of going to a fancy spa, get the works done, leave feeling 100 times better then when I came in? Who knows but I do know when I see my kids are adults who are good people, who are contributing to society, who are serving the Lord and raising their family to do so as well then I will know I did something right. Motherhood is hard and there never seems to be a break from it but I pray all you mothers out there know that your hard work eventually will pay off. You will see good, loving, hard working and God-fearing adults that you brought into this world.
I always finish my blog posts with Scripture but I found this poem online and love it so much I want to share it with you all today. It is called the Struggling Mother and was written by Cecillia:
"Unselfish love every day
It only grows, it never fades.
Happy to see her offspring smile,
Even when it feels like she's ran 20 miles.
How she does it? I do not know.
But she loves them to death - for this she knows.
Another headache, another tear.
She just wants someone to hold her near.
She doubts the future and her success
And swears that her life is just a mess.
How she does it? I do not know.
She deserves better - this I know.
Keep on fighting 'til the end
Even though you may break, and even bend.
Look forward to a brighter day...
One that will temporarily wash those sorrows away.
Stay strong and you will see,
A better life is meant to be.
Always remember that someone admires you...
And acknowledges everything that you've been through."
I wish I knew the author of this poem personally to thank her for such beautiful words.
Readers as always:
Be blessed in HIM!
Readers being a mom is sometimes the hardest job in life and it is sometimes the most difficult thing to survive. How can I say that you ask when I just found out I have cancer? Well let's put it this way. Cancer is not something I ever asked for and children I did. Cancer is not a blessing, at least not one that can always be seen, but children are. Cancer is something I can fight to get rid of but children are not. I can say "You know what it really sucks having cancer! I hate this!" But I don't ever wish to say that about motherhood. I love my children and they know I will ALWAYS love them but not always like their choices they make. Trust me I will NEVER love the cancer.
Being a mom is a full time job. It is just as hard as it rewarding and some days I wonder if I will even see the reward that day because all they do is argue, complain and throw one hissy fit after another but then there are days when the joy is overflowing. I choose to focus more on those days and allow the bad ones to pass like I know they will. All of it will pass but I want one day when my kids are grown to know: "Hey I did something right!" Will I ever get my degree? I hope but my degree won't mean as much to me as my kids life, their upbringing and the legacy I leave them with. Will I ever get my dream of going to a fancy spa, get the works done, leave feeling 100 times better then when I came in? Who knows but I do know when I see my kids are adults who are good people, who are contributing to society, who are serving the Lord and raising their family to do so as well then I will know I did something right. Motherhood is hard and there never seems to be a break from it but I pray all you mothers out there know that your hard work eventually will pay off. You will see good, loving, hard working and God-fearing adults that you brought into this world.
I always finish my blog posts with Scripture but I found this poem online and love it so much I want to share it with you all today. It is called the Struggling Mother and was written by Cecillia:
"Unselfish love every day
It only grows, it never fades.
Happy to see her offspring smile,
Even when it feels like she's ran 20 miles.
How she does it? I do not know.
But she loves them to death - for this she knows.
Another headache, another tear.
She just wants someone to hold her near.
She doubts the future and her success
And swears that her life is just a mess.
How she does it? I do not know.
She deserves better - this I know.
Keep on fighting 'til the end
Even though you may break, and even bend.
Look forward to a brighter day...
One that will temporarily wash those sorrows away.
Stay strong and you will see,
A better life is meant to be.
Always remember that someone admires you...
And acknowledges everything that you've been through."
I wish I knew the author of this poem personally to thank her for such beautiful words.
Readers as always:
Be blessed in HIM!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Different Looks Of Me... LOL
I was thinking today about the staging for uterine cancer and the treatment options. My doctor feels optimistic that I would not need chemo or radiation but I will need surgery and possibly hormone treatment. This is what I found to be the treatments for the stages:
Treatment options by stage
Stage I
As you all know by now this is me now:
But this is what I know I will end up looking like if I have Chemo and lose all my hair:
LOL! But I was reminded of a wonderful thing! If I do have to have Chemo I can wear wigs! OMG I could be a different looking woman every time!!!! How fun would that be? Maybe I could get a red wig and look like this:
Or maybe go blonde because I hear they have more fun and look like this:
Or what about going with brown, a more natural hair color for me and look like this:
Or embrace my Latina roots, yes I am Latina people! And have jet black hair like and look like this:
But alas whether I have Chemo or I do not I know my God in heaven made me wonderful already the word tells us: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 NIV. So even though this is a short blog post of just my random silliness I hope you enjoyed it readers. And always remember:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Treatment options by stage
Stage I
- Surgery
- Surgery and radiation therapy
- Hormone therapy
- Surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy
- Surgery and radiation therapy
- Surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy
- Surgery and radiation therapy
- Surgery and chemotherapy
- Surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy
- Surgery
- Radiation therapy
- Hormone therapy
- Chemotherapy
As you all know by now this is me now:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Monday, March 5, 2012
This Is the Real Me
Hi readers. Thanks for continuing to read along with my stories. Today I realized that I never gave you all the real me. Most of you know me personally but how well do you know somebody? Even my husband who should know me better than anyone else doesn't know me completely. Only one person knows me inside and out. He knows my passions, He knows my struggles, He knows my fears and He knows my triumphs. This is my Lord, my Savior, my Rock and my Fortress. Yes I claim Him as mine because that is the relationship I have with Him. He is my everything.
I was fortunate to grow up in a Christian household. I was fortunate to be raised by two God-Fearing, God-Loving parents who raised me to know the difference of right and wrong and I was raised to know that there was a God in heaven who loved me, cared for me and accepted me no matter what. Have you ever felt like that? I think its amazing how a God who is perfect, a God who is all knowing, a God who is eternal and a God who knows each and everyone of my faults can come and love me with all my faults, all my imperfections, all my junk!
I remember growing up and thinking "Do we really have to go to church again mom?!?!?!" Seriously I felt more like we lived in the actual church than we did in our own house. We went to church Sunday afternoon (back when I was a kid church service was in the afternoon since we shared the building with another church who used it in the morning), we went to service at one of the Church members houses on Tuesday night for Prayer Service, we went to church on Thursday night for kid's choir practice while my parents attended Bible Study and we went to Church Friday night for Youth Group. No I was not at the age of going to Youth Group at first but that did not stop us from going because I think my mom's philosphy was "Gotta get the Word one way or another!" Mom if you are reading this sorry and know I love you! Anyways so we went to church at least four times a week. Don't get me started on the days we went to church for a Deacon meeting because my parents were on the Deacon board and they did not have sitters to leave us with, or when we went to a special event on a Saturday which would include a fundraiser of some kind for either something for the Youth Group, the Children's Choir, the Woman's Ministry or just the church in general. I really thought we LIVED in the church. But it was ok. I liked it. I loved playing hide and seek in the Sanctuary, Running down the long hallway from the Sanctuary to the Fellowship hall in only my socks because it felt like I was flying, I loved sitting in the Pastor's office when he would let me and looking at all the books in there and really wondering did he read all those or not while I drew pictures on the scrap paper he would let me have, and most importantly I loved scamming the old ladies (man that sounds so wrong but it is so true) for candy when my mom or dad weren't paying attention. Truth be told I think my dad knew about the last one because I would sometimes share my stash with him. But these really weren't the right reasons to love going to church though. I mean I know I was a kid but wow was my perception of church all messed up. Do you know that once we had a missionary come speak to the congregation and because we were a Spanish Speaking church he INSISTED on attempting to speak Spanish (which was not very well done) and I just laid down putting my head on Dad's lap because his constant stuttering over the words was annoying me? Wow how embarrassed was I when we went out to eat with said Missionary and he pointed out in front of everyone there that I slept through his sermon. I just remember thinking wow if you would have talked better maybe I would not have fallen asleep! Don't judge readers I was about 9 years old at the time.
I do remember though the wonderful day I became saved. Oh my mom has a voice like what I imagine the angels sound like in heaven. It is so beautiful, it is so light and so accurate everytime. My mom, let me brag about her a bit here, once sang in a choir for Billy Graham. I mean hey that's something amazing! Well this Sunday my mom sang my all time favorite song. I tried to find a version of it online but to no avail. The song was about the parable of the 100 sheeps and the shepherd and how if one goes missing the shepherd leaves the 99 to go find the one and how it doesn't matter how dangerous the situation is he will always save his little sheep, or is it lamb? Anywho I had heard mom sing this song thousands of times. I also grew up in a house filled with music and both mom and dad would just sing throughout the house, probably why I thought until I was about 13 that I lived in a real life musical, but I digressed. Mom sang this song and it touched my heart. I finally realized I was the lamb and God was my shepherd and I felt that conviction in my little old 11 year old heart that God was calling me to be a better me. He knew me and yet he chose me. Then our Pastor did a preaching that I was just mesmerized with. I could not stop listening to his words and even though I heard this same kind of message before it really hit home that day. God was calling ME. Little ol me. I was the youngest member of our group besides the babies and toddlers in the church and really never thought anyone would care to listen to me tell them about God's love but that is what God was calling me for! I waited patiently knowing that I saw in the bulletin that Pastor was going to do an Invitation to accept Christ at the end of his preaching but then it hit me. Fear! How could I raise my hand in front of everyone? How could I stand up in front of the congregation, go up to the Pastor and say I am a sinner and I am so sorry for all my sins? How could I allow the entire church to see me as a sinner but you know what my parents are so awesome. I think they sensed that I was ready to do the sinners prayer and ready to take my very first step into a grown up relationship and they calmed my fears. Dad even walked with me to the front so I would not have to go at it alone. How great is that? My dad walked me down to both my major relationships. He walked me down the aisle at church at the age of 11 to start my walk and my relationship in Christ and he walked me down the aisle ten years later to start my walk and my relationship with my husband. A year later I asked Pastor if I could be Baptized and after taking the Baptism courses I one day in December became Born Again through water baptism. Unfortunately it was the coldest day of the year, the baptism robe was barely any kind of robe with insulation and guess what there was NO WATER HEATER! If you ever doubt God has a sense of humor I can prove you wrong there.
I had a best friend all through out Middle School. She was amazing. She also sang just like me but she sang a million times better and she even performed in front of large audiences in her church where as for me there was maybe 30 people on any given Sunday at our church that I would sing in front of. Her church had televised services on Sunday and for several she was the chosen Special Music and me I would watch from my home in awe of her vocal talent. We were inseparable from the grades of 6-8th but something happened when we got to High School 9th grade year. You see I am Spanish and she was white and even though that does not sound like a big deal (my two best friends here in El Paso, correction all my friends here in El Paso, are white!) back in High School the two did not mix. We began hanging out in different cliques. Me with all the Hispanics while she choose a sort of metal type group. I barely spoke to her that year. Even when I heard she got a boyfriend. I attempted to talk to her once during an audition for Drama that I went to with my sister for the musical performance of Peter Pan but when her boyfriend came around during our conversation I just got a bad feeling inside. Like this guy is no good. But I said absolutely nothing to her. She seemed happy enough and even though I heard she was no longer going to church who was I to be the Bible Thumper. I let it go. Another day I kept saying. You can always witness to her another day. Not to mention I was terrified of being made fun of for witnessing to her and her new friends. The whole school year went by and another day never came. I took Summer School that year because even though I did not fail Pre-Algebra I did not like the grade that I got and wanted to get at least a B+ in the class. My sister had just graduated High School and her and my mom went on a celebratory trip to Puerto Rico where we were all born. My oldest sister picked me up from Summer School and we went home. I was exhausted because since I had to wait for my oldest sister to get out of work to pick me up I hanged out with some friends after Summer School and so I came home, heated the pizza dad had left us and went to watch TV in his room since my older sister called the TV in the living room to watch something I was not interested in. I remember laying down on mom and dad's bed watching TV with my pizza and I fell asleep. I have no idea how long I was asleep for when my sister woke me up. She said there was a phone call for me. On the other line was a friend I had known since back in 6th grade. She asked me if I had heard the news about my friend A (don't want to put her name because I do not have permission to do so) That was the friend I kept putting off witnessing too after I knew she had strayed from God. I told her NO but in my mind I thought OK maybe she finally got discovered because of her amazing voice. NO my friend on the phone told me that they found her body up in a car with her boyfriend and they died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. My mind stopped. How can it be possible that a 14/15 year old girl be dead?!?! That doesn't happen! I knew old people died, I knew bad people died because of gun shots, gang violence, or drug overdoses. I even knew sick people die but not healthy teen girls!! For the next several weeks after her death (and I refused to go to her funeral or burial) I was wrecked with grief. Not the kind of grief that comes with the mourning of the loss of a friend but the kind of grief one gets because they missed out on a chance. I missed out on so many chances with her to witness to her. I let her salvation become something that could be wasted and thrown away. I only pray now that even though I NEVER took the opportunities God placed in me to talk to her (and there were plenty of times now that I look back) that someone else was braver than me. Someone else was better than me and that she heard the Word of God again, that she allowed it to convict her heart again, that she allowed it enter her again. I had nightmares after nightmares that my parents suffered alongside of me through because of this. I would dream of walking back into that school and seeing her again but her telling me: "Why didn't you witness to me? Did you not care about me? Why did you let me die not knowing of God?" I resolved in my mind and in my heart from that day forward that there will never be another soul out there that I will allow to lose because of my fear. I know I can not save everyone and I know the job of saving souls is not mine but Gods but I know that I will spread the Gospel whenever, wherever I can and even though I know one day I will face the judgement of not witnessing to that soul I know that will be the only soul I will face judgement for.
This song has been in my mind for so long now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KB_xxO0jBBI
Tomorrow might very well be too late so choose the Lord today.
Isaiah 55:11 tells us this: "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." NIV here we see there is no excuse for not witnessing to others. God takes the words from our mouths with purpose to plant a seed in others. This is all God requires of us. To spread His word and His love. "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile." Romans 1:16 NIV. Please do not be foolish like I was and be ashamed to speak of God because of fear of ridicule, fear of non acceptance or fear of rejection. The Bible tells us: "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." Luke 9:26 NIV and I know for one I do not want Christ ashamed of me before his Father during the time of judgement so I have resolved to never be ashamed of His word again.
Readers I learned my lesson the hard way and I have had to live with that regret ever since. I know I asked the Lord to forgive me for my transgression of not witnessing when I had the opportunity to do so but I do allow my mind to remember because I do not want to grow complacent again and forget to do the task God has set out before me. This blog is one way I can witness to you who is reading this. I am surviving my walk with Christ by speaking of His word in this blog. I do not want to lose readers over this and I pray I do not but the matter of not speaking out for a God who I believe in with all that I am is not something I am willing to allow to slide. I love adding humor. I think laughter is wonderful and I hope in some of my childhood stories at the beginning I brought a smile to your face but I also hope I brought an awareness to each and every one of you. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Tomorrow you can face a diesease that can be life threatening, tomorrow you can face the business end of a gun, tomorrow you could be in crash or hit by bus. My point is that tomorrow might never come. Tomorrow could be the day the Lord comes for his bride and will you stand before Christ ashamed or will you stand before Christ victorious. Have you survived the biggest battle of life? Have you survived in your walk with Christ?
Readers thank you for reading along with me.
Be blessed in HIM!
I was fortunate to grow up in a Christian household. I was fortunate to be raised by two God-Fearing, God-Loving parents who raised me to know the difference of right and wrong and I was raised to know that there was a God in heaven who loved me, cared for me and accepted me no matter what. Have you ever felt like that? I think its amazing how a God who is perfect, a God who is all knowing, a God who is eternal and a God who knows each and everyone of my faults can come and love me with all my faults, all my imperfections, all my junk!
I remember growing up and thinking "Do we really have to go to church again mom?!?!?!" Seriously I felt more like we lived in the actual church than we did in our own house. We went to church Sunday afternoon (back when I was a kid church service was in the afternoon since we shared the building with another church who used it in the morning), we went to service at one of the Church members houses on Tuesday night for Prayer Service, we went to church on Thursday night for kid's choir practice while my parents attended Bible Study and we went to Church Friday night for Youth Group. No I was not at the age of going to Youth Group at first but that did not stop us from going because I think my mom's philosphy was "Gotta get the Word one way or another!" Mom if you are reading this sorry and know I love you! Anyways so we went to church at least four times a week. Don't get me started on the days we went to church for a Deacon meeting because my parents were on the Deacon board and they did not have sitters to leave us with, or when we went to a special event on a Saturday which would include a fundraiser of some kind for either something for the Youth Group, the Children's Choir, the Woman's Ministry or just the church in general. I really thought we LIVED in the church. But it was ok. I liked it. I loved playing hide and seek in the Sanctuary, Running down the long hallway from the Sanctuary to the Fellowship hall in only my socks because it felt like I was flying, I loved sitting in the Pastor's office when he would let me and looking at all the books in there and really wondering did he read all those or not while I drew pictures on the scrap paper he would let me have, and most importantly I loved scamming the old ladies (man that sounds so wrong but it is so true) for candy when my mom or dad weren't paying attention. Truth be told I think my dad knew about the last one because I would sometimes share my stash with him. But these really weren't the right reasons to love going to church though. I mean I know I was a kid but wow was my perception of church all messed up. Do you know that once we had a missionary come speak to the congregation and because we were a Spanish Speaking church he INSISTED on attempting to speak Spanish (which was not very well done) and I just laid down putting my head on Dad's lap because his constant stuttering over the words was annoying me? Wow how embarrassed was I when we went out to eat with said Missionary and he pointed out in front of everyone there that I slept through his sermon. I just remember thinking wow if you would have talked better maybe I would not have fallen asleep! Don't judge readers I was about 9 years old at the time.
I do remember though the wonderful day I became saved. Oh my mom has a voice like what I imagine the angels sound like in heaven. It is so beautiful, it is so light and so accurate everytime. My mom, let me brag about her a bit here, once sang in a choir for Billy Graham. I mean hey that's something amazing! Well this Sunday my mom sang my all time favorite song. I tried to find a version of it online but to no avail. The song was about the parable of the 100 sheeps and the shepherd and how if one goes missing the shepherd leaves the 99 to go find the one and how it doesn't matter how dangerous the situation is he will always save his little sheep, or is it lamb? Anywho I had heard mom sing this song thousands of times. I also grew up in a house filled with music and both mom and dad would just sing throughout the house, probably why I thought until I was about 13 that I lived in a real life musical, but I digressed. Mom sang this song and it touched my heart. I finally realized I was the lamb and God was my shepherd and I felt that conviction in my little old 11 year old heart that God was calling me to be a better me. He knew me and yet he chose me. Then our Pastor did a preaching that I was just mesmerized with. I could not stop listening to his words and even though I heard this same kind of message before it really hit home that day. God was calling ME. Little ol me. I was the youngest member of our group besides the babies and toddlers in the church and really never thought anyone would care to listen to me tell them about God's love but that is what God was calling me for! I waited patiently knowing that I saw in the bulletin that Pastor was going to do an Invitation to accept Christ at the end of his preaching but then it hit me. Fear! How could I raise my hand in front of everyone? How could I stand up in front of the congregation, go up to the Pastor and say I am a sinner and I am so sorry for all my sins? How could I allow the entire church to see me as a sinner but you know what my parents are so awesome. I think they sensed that I was ready to do the sinners prayer and ready to take my very first step into a grown up relationship and they calmed my fears. Dad even walked with me to the front so I would not have to go at it alone. How great is that? My dad walked me down to both my major relationships. He walked me down the aisle at church at the age of 11 to start my walk and my relationship in Christ and he walked me down the aisle ten years later to start my walk and my relationship with my husband. A year later I asked Pastor if I could be Baptized and after taking the Baptism courses I one day in December became Born Again through water baptism. Unfortunately it was the coldest day of the year, the baptism robe was barely any kind of robe with insulation and guess what there was NO WATER HEATER! If you ever doubt God has a sense of humor I can prove you wrong there.
I had a best friend all through out Middle School. She was amazing. She also sang just like me but she sang a million times better and she even performed in front of large audiences in her church where as for me there was maybe 30 people on any given Sunday at our church that I would sing in front of. Her church had televised services on Sunday and for several she was the chosen Special Music and me I would watch from my home in awe of her vocal talent. We were inseparable from the grades of 6-8th but something happened when we got to High School 9th grade year. You see I am Spanish and she was white and even though that does not sound like a big deal (my two best friends here in El Paso, correction all my friends here in El Paso, are white!) back in High School the two did not mix. We began hanging out in different cliques. Me with all the Hispanics while she choose a sort of metal type group. I barely spoke to her that year. Even when I heard she got a boyfriend. I attempted to talk to her once during an audition for Drama that I went to with my sister for the musical performance of Peter Pan but when her boyfriend came around during our conversation I just got a bad feeling inside. Like this guy is no good. But I said absolutely nothing to her. She seemed happy enough and even though I heard she was no longer going to church who was I to be the Bible Thumper. I let it go. Another day I kept saying. You can always witness to her another day. Not to mention I was terrified of being made fun of for witnessing to her and her new friends. The whole school year went by and another day never came. I took Summer School that year because even though I did not fail Pre-Algebra I did not like the grade that I got and wanted to get at least a B+ in the class. My sister had just graduated High School and her and my mom went on a celebratory trip to Puerto Rico where we were all born. My oldest sister picked me up from Summer School and we went home. I was exhausted because since I had to wait for my oldest sister to get out of work to pick me up I hanged out with some friends after Summer School and so I came home, heated the pizza dad had left us and went to watch TV in his room since my older sister called the TV in the living room to watch something I was not interested in. I remember laying down on mom and dad's bed watching TV with my pizza and I fell asleep. I have no idea how long I was asleep for when my sister woke me up. She said there was a phone call for me. On the other line was a friend I had known since back in 6th grade. She asked me if I had heard the news about my friend A (don't want to put her name because I do not have permission to do so) That was the friend I kept putting off witnessing too after I knew she had strayed from God. I told her NO but in my mind I thought OK maybe she finally got discovered because of her amazing voice. NO my friend on the phone told me that they found her body up in a car with her boyfriend and they died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. My mind stopped. How can it be possible that a 14/15 year old girl be dead?!?! That doesn't happen! I knew old people died, I knew bad people died because of gun shots, gang violence, or drug overdoses. I even knew sick people die but not healthy teen girls!! For the next several weeks after her death (and I refused to go to her funeral or burial) I was wrecked with grief. Not the kind of grief that comes with the mourning of the loss of a friend but the kind of grief one gets because they missed out on a chance. I missed out on so many chances with her to witness to her. I let her salvation become something that could be wasted and thrown away. I only pray now that even though I NEVER took the opportunities God placed in me to talk to her (and there were plenty of times now that I look back) that someone else was braver than me. Someone else was better than me and that she heard the Word of God again, that she allowed it to convict her heart again, that she allowed it enter her again. I had nightmares after nightmares that my parents suffered alongside of me through because of this. I would dream of walking back into that school and seeing her again but her telling me: "Why didn't you witness to me? Did you not care about me? Why did you let me die not knowing of God?" I resolved in my mind and in my heart from that day forward that there will never be another soul out there that I will allow to lose because of my fear. I know I can not save everyone and I know the job of saving souls is not mine but Gods but I know that I will spread the Gospel whenever, wherever I can and even though I know one day I will face the judgement of not witnessing to that soul I know that will be the only soul I will face judgement for.
This song has been in my mind for so long now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KB_xxO0jBBI
Tomorrow might very well be too late so choose the Lord today.
Isaiah 55:11 tells us this: "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." NIV here we see there is no excuse for not witnessing to others. God takes the words from our mouths with purpose to plant a seed in others. This is all God requires of us. To spread His word and His love. "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile." Romans 1:16 NIV. Please do not be foolish like I was and be ashamed to speak of God because of fear of ridicule, fear of non acceptance or fear of rejection. The Bible tells us: "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." Luke 9:26 NIV and I know for one I do not want Christ ashamed of me before his Father during the time of judgement so I have resolved to never be ashamed of His word again.
Readers I learned my lesson the hard way and I have had to live with that regret ever since. I know I asked the Lord to forgive me for my transgression of not witnessing when I had the opportunity to do so but I do allow my mind to remember because I do not want to grow complacent again and forget to do the task God has set out before me. This blog is one way I can witness to you who is reading this. I am surviving my walk with Christ by speaking of His word in this blog. I do not want to lose readers over this and I pray I do not but the matter of not speaking out for a God who I believe in with all that I am is not something I am willing to allow to slide. I love adding humor. I think laughter is wonderful and I hope in some of my childhood stories at the beginning I brought a smile to your face but I also hope I brought an awareness to each and every one of you. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Tomorrow you can face a diesease that can be life threatening, tomorrow you can face the business end of a gun, tomorrow you could be in crash or hit by bus. My point is that tomorrow might never come. Tomorrow could be the day the Lord comes for his bride and will you stand before Christ ashamed or will you stand before Christ victorious. Have you survived the biggest battle of life? Have you survived in your walk with Christ?
Readers thank you for reading along with me.
Be blessed in HIM!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Emotions, Feelings, Expressions
Before I start this post let me let you all know what has happened. I went to the doctor yesterday and finally got my results. I showed up an hour and a half early to the appointment because I thought they said 1300 when I made the appointment and apparently it was at 1400. Military time, it gets me every time!
I wait for an hour or so in the waiting room. I get called back by the nurse only to do my vitals. You know the vitals where they do the dreaded weight and temp and blood pressure. I laugh thinking about it because when the nurse asks me to get on the scale she goes and sits down at her little desk and tells me to tell her the weight when it comes out. I thought AHA I can tell her it said 110 lbs and all but then I knew she would look at me and my fluffies and know I was a BIG FAT LIAR! So I tell her the weight and no way in blue blazes am I about to post that on here! LOL and takes my blood pressure and sends me back to the waiting room. Why do they do that?!?! You are in this waiting room and if you are anything like me you eyeball all the other people in the waiting room like you are competing for the covetous prize of this bubbly little nurse to call your name. Then when you get the "prize" of being called, it sorta feels like being in the audience of the game show: The Price is Right and they say come on down your the next contestant, I look at all these poor wretched souls waiting in the waiting room and fight strongly the urge to run down the hall after the nurse like someone who just had their names called for the Price is Right. You know what I mean. Arms raised up high, yelling and screaming "THEY CHOOSE ME!" and high fiving the other patients. No? You don't get that feeling after sitting in a waiting room full of patients for over an hour? Its just me? Don't judge me!!
Anywho! So this tiny little blonde calls me back and takes me to the room that is my new waiting room. You know what I mean. They move you from the room where you were surrounded by others to now put you in a tiny match box of a room where you are now waiting all alone. I hate that because they have all these poster looking things on the walls and you begin reading them as you wait then in the silence of that little room you imagine all those symptoms to all those things that the posters have. This time I was in a room in a GYN office and even though I know without a shadow of a doubt I am not pregnant because I had my tubes tied I start reading all these pregnancy symptoms and what you should consult with your doctor and there I was with a phantom pregnancy! No joke people I was rubbing on my fluffies telling it how much I would love it and care for it. OK maybe not really but you begin feeling like that. The nurse had told me that she was not sure if the doctor needed to check me so to just sit in the chair instead of the scary table/bed with the ALL time scary stirrups. People I do not even ride horses so stirrups are scary to me!!
My doctor comes in after 50 hours of me waiting there. NO?! Ok more like 10 minutes but that is what it felt like. She sits down in that little stool they use with the wheels and she has my records in her hand. She then asks me to tell her my symptoms. I had to pause there a minute because I was surrounded by pregnancy symptoms all over the walls that just 5 minutes ago I could have sworn I was feeling so I took a deep breath and explained. I told her about the heavy, abnormal bleeding every other week. I told her about the intense cramps associated with them that sometimes even mimicked being in labor. I told her about the back pain and extreme pressure I would constantly feel and she said "OK Mrs. Perez let's talk". No longer did the sweet looking, pretty young doctor seem so young anymore but I have to give her credit her sweetness and her beauty stayed. She told me that my cervix was clean and clear of any cancer. That is what I thought I had because I had been diagnosed in 2008 with pre-cancerous cells. I took a long sigh of relief but "the talk" with the doctor was not over. She told me when they did the ultrasound and the scope to go into my uterus they found a baseball size tumor which did come back as cancerous. I did not even know that they tested anything in my uterus for cancer. She does however believe that they found it in its early stages and that all I would need is a hysterectomy and not need Radiation or Chemo. She offered the alternative of killing the tumor with Chemo and Radiation and I keep my cervix and uterus but as I told her. I had my tubes tied 9 years ago because we decided that three children were more than enough for us and I had had such terrible pregnancies so there was no point in doing something like Chemo in order to "save" my ability to have children in the future when I know good and well I am not wanting to be a mother again. Please do not take this the wrong way readers because I love my children more then life itself but I am done having babies and I want to enjoy the three beautiful blessings I have to the fullest and how can I if I am so weak with Chemo? I also told her I was more than willing, more than prepared to have a hysterectomy to end these symptoms so I have made my peace with it all.
She then tells me that I will need to get an ablasion done. Never have I even heard of this. She goes to explain it to me and I appreciate that she understands that I am a visual person so she shows me the main instrument needed for this procedure. It is a 50 foot straw looking thing... OK more like a two foot long straw looking thing that they go in like a pap and go into your uterus and scrape off the tissues they can to send to pathology. Apparently with this she can stage my cancer. She offers to have me come back at a later date to do this or to do it right then and there. I tell her well I'm already here so lets have at it. She begins to tell me to undress and that is when my panic hits. Lately my panic hits me in the form of having to go to the restroom and I tell her that she needs to wait because I have to go to the bathroom. What was I thinking?!?!?! I tell the doctor she needs to wait??!?! Who the heck am I some kind of celebrity or something!!!
OK so I am back in the room and I am patiently waiting again for the doctor to come in. Now I must be hallucinating or something because I kept hearing someone knock on my door and I kept saying come in when no one comes in at all. Boy is my mind going like crazy. Finally the nurse comes in with ALL the instruments needed to do this ablasion. OMG!!! is all I could think because one of them no joke looked like a GIANT pair of scissors. No kidding. I was like are you taking my uterus out now?!?!?! Seriously what is with the giant looking scissors. Then the doctor comes in and attempts to place me in the stirrups. I am 5'0 and she puts those stirrups so far apart my poor feet do not reach and I am practically falling off this table!! To this she apologizes and adjusts them. UH YEA I may be a big girl in regards to my fluffies but I am tiny girl in regards to my height. She first checks to see the placement of my uterus because she was hoping to do a vaginal hysterectomy. But here is where the "good news" continues (please note I am being sarcastic here) she tells me there is no way to do a vaginal hysterectomy because my uterus is way too high up. Also it is way too enlarged so I will need to get gutted like a fish instead of doing the laproscopic surgery. YAY ME!!
The ablasion is not easy. She tells me to take a deep cough so that she can use the cough to insert the giant straw looking thing. I can't though. I tried and all I was able to get was a small baby like cough and that thin straw hurt like crazy going in. While she is scraping away she tells me to take some deep breaths because my anxiety now is not allowing her to be able to continue. I felt horrible. This was one of the most painful things ever to feel aside from childbirth and I thought the biopsy was bad.
I get this news about having cancer and can you believe that I did not cry? I can not believe it! Seriously!! I thought I have prepared myself to hear it but I also thought how much can you really prepare to hear that word? The entire time I stayed with a smile on my face. I talked with my friend Darci who went with me and stayed with a smile on my face. I went to eat with her and stayed with a smile on my face. I came home and told Sammy and the kids and stayed with a smile on my face. I video chatted with my mom and sister and told them the news and guess what? I stayed with a smile on my face. I went to meet my other friend from church at a fundraising dinner and talked with her and the Pastor and his wife and I stayed with a smile on my face. I came home watched TV, laid down in pain but when Sammy would ask I would answer him with a smile on my face saying it hurts a little. I barely was able to sleep but I noticed I still had that same smile on my face.
Readers most of you know me. Most of you know that when you see me there is always a smile on my face. I realized that even though I do not mean it I seem to be plastic. I know I need to feel the impact of this. This diagnosis is not a death sentence but it is not going to be a cake walk either. I need to be better about my ability to handle what is thrown at me. I ask that each of you hold me accountable to my feelings. I can not continue always having this smile on my face. I know my friends and my family love me enough to allow me to break down and deal with what I am facing so why do I continue to act like all is ok with this smile on my face? Please if you see me tell me, tell me that I need to allow it all to hit me now so later when I do have that smile on my face it is genuine and not because I am doing it without realizing it.
Romans 8:28 tells us this: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."ESV I know I love my God strongly, firmly and completely so I need to trust in God to take care of me and my emotions. I need him to help me feel what I need to feel.
Thank you for joining me in this journey readers. I know for those of you who are reading this you know that I am writing this as my coping mechanism and I thank you for continuing to follow along with me. And let me end this with my favorite Bible verse ever: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13 NKJV
Thank you readers.
Be blessed in HIM!
I wait for an hour or so in the waiting room. I get called back by the nurse only to do my vitals. You know the vitals where they do the dreaded weight and temp and blood pressure. I laugh thinking about it because when the nurse asks me to get on the scale she goes and sits down at her little desk and tells me to tell her the weight when it comes out. I thought AHA I can tell her it said 110 lbs and all but then I knew she would look at me and my fluffies and know I was a BIG FAT LIAR! So I tell her the weight and no way in blue blazes am I about to post that on here! LOL and takes my blood pressure and sends me back to the waiting room. Why do they do that?!?! You are in this waiting room and if you are anything like me you eyeball all the other people in the waiting room like you are competing for the covetous prize of this bubbly little nurse to call your name. Then when you get the "prize" of being called, it sorta feels like being in the audience of the game show: The Price is Right and they say come on down your the next contestant, I look at all these poor wretched souls waiting in the waiting room and fight strongly the urge to run down the hall after the nurse like someone who just had their names called for the Price is Right. You know what I mean. Arms raised up high, yelling and screaming "THEY CHOOSE ME!" and high fiving the other patients. No? You don't get that feeling after sitting in a waiting room full of patients for over an hour? Its just me? Don't judge me!!
Anywho! So this tiny little blonde calls me back and takes me to the room that is my new waiting room. You know what I mean. They move you from the room where you were surrounded by others to now put you in a tiny match box of a room where you are now waiting all alone. I hate that because they have all these poster looking things on the walls and you begin reading them as you wait then in the silence of that little room you imagine all those symptoms to all those things that the posters have. This time I was in a room in a GYN office and even though I know without a shadow of a doubt I am not pregnant because I had my tubes tied I start reading all these pregnancy symptoms and what you should consult with your doctor and there I was with a phantom pregnancy! No joke people I was rubbing on my fluffies telling it how much I would love it and care for it. OK maybe not really but you begin feeling like that. The nurse had told me that she was not sure if the doctor needed to check me so to just sit in the chair instead of the scary table/bed with the ALL time scary stirrups. People I do not even ride horses so stirrups are scary to me!!
My doctor comes in after 50 hours of me waiting there. NO?! Ok more like 10 minutes but that is what it felt like. She sits down in that little stool they use with the wheels and she has my records in her hand. She then asks me to tell her my symptoms. I had to pause there a minute because I was surrounded by pregnancy symptoms all over the walls that just 5 minutes ago I could have sworn I was feeling so I took a deep breath and explained. I told her about the heavy, abnormal bleeding every other week. I told her about the intense cramps associated with them that sometimes even mimicked being in labor. I told her about the back pain and extreme pressure I would constantly feel and she said "OK Mrs. Perez let's talk". No longer did the sweet looking, pretty young doctor seem so young anymore but I have to give her credit her sweetness and her beauty stayed. She told me that my cervix was clean and clear of any cancer. That is what I thought I had because I had been diagnosed in 2008 with pre-cancerous cells. I took a long sigh of relief but "the talk" with the doctor was not over. She told me when they did the ultrasound and the scope to go into my uterus they found a baseball size tumor which did come back as cancerous. I did not even know that they tested anything in my uterus for cancer. She does however believe that they found it in its early stages and that all I would need is a hysterectomy and not need Radiation or Chemo. She offered the alternative of killing the tumor with Chemo and Radiation and I keep my cervix and uterus but as I told her. I had my tubes tied 9 years ago because we decided that three children were more than enough for us and I had had such terrible pregnancies so there was no point in doing something like Chemo in order to "save" my ability to have children in the future when I know good and well I am not wanting to be a mother again. Please do not take this the wrong way readers because I love my children more then life itself but I am done having babies and I want to enjoy the three beautiful blessings I have to the fullest and how can I if I am so weak with Chemo? I also told her I was more than willing, more than prepared to have a hysterectomy to end these symptoms so I have made my peace with it all.
She then tells me that I will need to get an ablasion done. Never have I even heard of this. She goes to explain it to me and I appreciate that she understands that I am a visual person so she shows me the main instrument needed for this procedure. It is a 50 foot straw looking thing... OK more like a two foot long straw looking thing that they go in like a pap and go into your uterus and scrape off the tissues they can to send to pathology. Apparently with this she can stage my cancer. She offers to have me come back at a later date to do this or to do it right then and there. I tell her well I'm already here so lets have at it. She begins to tell me to undress and that is when my panic hits. Lately my panic hits me in the form of having to go to the restroom and I tell her that she needs to wait because I have to go to the bathroom. What was I thinking?!?!?! I tell the doctor she needs to wait??!?! Who the heck am I some kind of celebrity or something!!!
OK so I am back in the room and I am patiently waiting again for the doctor to come in. Now I must be hallucinating or something because I kept hearing someone knock on my door and I kept saying come in when no one comes in at all. Boy is my mind going like crazy. Finally the nurse comes in with ALL the instruments needed to do this ablasion. OMG!!! is all I could think because one of them no joke looked like a GIANT pair of scissors. No kidding. I was like are you taking my uterus out now?!?!?! Seriously what is with the giant looking scissors. Then the doctor comes in and attempts to place me in the stirrups. I am 5'0 and she puts those stirrups so far apart my poor feet do not reach and I am practically falling off this table!! To this she apologizes and adjusts them. UH YEA I may be a big girl in regards to my fluffies but I am tiny girl in regards to my height. She first checks to see the placement of my uterus because she was hoping to do a vaginal hysterectomy. But here is where the "good news" continues (please note I am being sarcastic here) she tells me there is no way to do a vaginal hysterectomy because my uterus is way too high up. Also it is way too enlarged so I will need to get gutted like a fish instead of doing the laproscopic surgery. YAY ME!!
The ablasion is not easy. She tells me to take a deep cough so that she can use the cough to insert the giant straw looking thing. I can't though. I tried and all I was able to get was a small baby like cough and that thin straw hurt like crazy going in. While she is scraping away she tells me to take some deep breaths because my anxiety now is not allowing her to be able to continue. I felt horrible. This was one of the most painful things ever to feel aside from childbirth and I thought the biopsy was bad.
I get this news about having cancer and can you believe that I did not cry? I can not believe it! Seriously!! I thought I have prepared myself to hear it but I also thought how much can you really prepare to hear that word? The entire time I stayed with a smile on my face. I talked with my friend Darci who went with me and stayed with a smile on my face. I went to eat with her and stayed with a smile on my face. I came home and told Sammy and the kids and stayed with a smile on my face. I video chatted with my mom and sister and told them the news and guess what? I stayed with a smile on my face. I went to meet my other friend from church at a fundraising dinner and talked with her and the Pastor and his wife and I stayed with a smile on my face. I came home watched TV, laid down in pain but when Sammy would ask I would answer him with a smile on my face saying it hurts a little. I barely was able to sleep but I noticed I still had that same smile on my face.
Readers most of you know me. Most of you know that when you see me there is always a smile on my face. I realized that even though I do not mean it I seem to be plastic. I know I need to feel the impact of this. This diagnosis is not a death sentence but it is not going to be a cake walk either. I need to be better about my ability to handle what is thrown at me. I ask that each of you hold me accountable to my feelings. I can not continue always having this smile on my face. I know my friends and my family love me enough to allow me to break down and deal with what I am facing so why do I continue to act like all is ok with this smile on my face? Please if you see me tell me, tell me that I need to allow it all to hit me now so later when I do have that smile on my face it is genuine and not because I am doing it without realizing it.
Romans 8:28 tells us this: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."ESV I know I love my God strongly, firmly and completely so I need to trust in God to take care of me and my emotions. I need him to help me feel what I need to feel.
Thank you for joining me in this journey readers. I know for those of you who are reading this you know that I am writing this as my coping mechanism and I thank you for continuing to follow along with me. And let me end this with my favorite Bible verse ever: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13 NKJV
Thank you readers.
Be blessed in HIM!
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