Surviving Fear

Today's post readers is something I am sure we all go through: fear. I personally know I am the biggest scaredy cat there is. I mean I remember once as a kid my sisters and I watched an episode of the Facts Of Life and it was a Halloween Episode and at the end it is Tootie who is left alone with the killer. Readers that is all I remember because honestly I think my subconscious has blocked the rest from my mind and I have no idea who the killer was. Readers like I always say: Don't judge me! I was absolutely terrified. Another time my parents had some either meeting at the church or a date night or something of another and they left me in the most capable hands of my grandmother. My sweet, little old grandmother. Correction readers my grandmother was amazing, she was spunky, she was fun, she was even the absolute most bravest woman I ever knew but to classify her as sweet, little and old is not doing her justice. Well readers this particular night Grandma did not insist on watching Nickelodeon with me because back when I was a kid I do not remember ever having the Disney Channel back then. She had a sofa with a bed which is where I would sleep when I spent the night at her apartment and she enticed me with the promise of a movie night. Grandma never told mom and dad that she planned on a horror movie night! We watched Poltergeist and can you believe the little old lady in that movie looked just like my Grandma?!?! Seriously readers. I was so freaked out with that movie. Another was and again don't judge me I had the my little buddy doll growing up and even when I became a teen I did not get rid of my doll. I used to think he was so cute, so cute until the movie Child's Play came out! Honestly I think I watched about 10-15 minutes of the first movie, I freaked out stormed away and placed my My Little Buddy doll in a box to take out to the trash. Don't even get me started on the time my husband, my sister and her husband took me out to a movie night when I was about 8 months pregnant with my oldest daughter as a last movie night out before the baby came. They chose a movie called "Idle Hands" and readers if you have never seen this movie let me just tell you first off it is a terribly gory movie and second one should never watch it pregnant and lastly one should never watch it with a husband who loves to tease you about your "irrational" fear over scary movies and monsters. Our oldest daughter turns 13 this summer and he still teases me about it! Go ahead readers judge him.... LOL!

I hate being scared. I hate the possibility of fear entering into my life, into my heart, and into my mind. I am what you would call a phobiaphobic, I am fearful of fear. I try to avoid at all cost anything that will scare me. I do not go to haunted houses (I did as a teen and hated it so badly that I did not sleep for weeks), I do not watch scary movies or their trailers, I do not even like my husband driving too fast for fear of crashing. I HATE BEING SCARED!

Today as I was driving to church to take my kids to Co-Op and my sewing class I received a text from my sister that my cousin who is in his battle with cancer seems to be losing his battle. I get to the church. I park my car and send the kids in and begin to cry. I cry and I cry and I cry. I go in the church and seriously I do not break down and cry just by being asked "how are you doing?" but I did. I cried so much and I hate the fact that I did because I cherish my time desperately with my friends and to spend it crying is not what I call a good time with my friends. I love my cousin and I hate the fact that he is going through this but I could not understand in my mind why I cried so much over this. I have had many family members and friends with cancer and yet this time I took this news the hardest. I began to think of him and his family. I began to think of how they must be feeling going through all this. My friend allowed me to realize that I was placing myself in his story. But readers my cousins cancer is one been with him longer than mine has been with me. Two it is more aggressive and progressive than mine and three which is the most obvious of all is that my cousin is NOT me. Sammy made me realize too that I was taking this too hard because in my mind I was putting myself in his shoes. I am so thankful to hear from my sister again that they have him stabilized and all but the whole experience was scary to say the least. I received this diagnosis of Uterine Cancer and in my opinion I have taken it positively but today I began to allow the what ifs into my life. What if I die and Sammy becomes a widower? What if I leave my kids without a mother? What if my parents have to bury their daughter? What if my sisters lose a sister? What if my niece and nephews never hear from me again?

What ifs are our biggest downfall readers. What ifs are what get us down. Deuteronomy 31:6 tells us: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." The Lord will not ever leave me nor will he forsake me but I allowed this fear to enter my life. Isn't God a God of his word? If He said He will never leave nor forsake me then why am I allowing myself to fear this? Isn't God stronger than cancer? Doesn't God have more power than cancer? Psalm 56:3-4 tells us this: "When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" Here I want to change when it says what can mortal man do to me to what can CANCER do to me? God is there with me. He will guide me, protect me, care for me. And finally 1 Peter 3: 13-14 says: "Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good?  But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened."I am eager to do good. I am eager to spread the Gospel and eager to spread the Love of Christ to others through this blog. Will I suffer? Yes I am sure I will because even if all I have to endure is the surgery there will still be physical suffering to go along with that but I need to leave my fear readers. I need to kick it to the curb. My God is not a God of fear and I have to fight this spiritual battle with God at my side. Our church has been studying the book of Ephesians and up next should be the part about putting on the full armor of God. Readers I challenge each and every one of you to do as I plan to do from now on and place the Armor of God on each and every morning. I will pray each and every morning that I wear the Helmet of Salvation, the Breastplate of Righteousness, the Belt of Truth, the Shoes of Peace to Spread the Gospel, the Shield of Faith and the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. Let us be prepared for this battle readers. Mine right now is against fear. What is yours against?