This Is the Real Me

Hi readers. Thanks for continuing to read along with my stories. Today I realized that I never gave you all the real me. Most of you know me personally but how well do you know somebody? Even my husband who should know me better than anyone else doesn't know me completely. Only one person knows me inside and out. He knows my passions, He knows my struggles, He knows my fears and He knows my triumphs. This is my Lord, my Savior, my Rock and my Fortress. Yes I claim Him as mine because that is the relationship I have with Him. He is my everything.

I was fortunate to grow up in a Christian household. I was fortunate to be raised by two God-Fearing, God-Loving parents who raised me to know the difference of right and wrong and I was raised to know that there was a God in heaven who loved me, cared for me and accepted me no matter what. Have you ever felt like that? I think its amazing how a God who is perfect, a God who is all knowing, a God who is eternal and a God who knows each and everyone of my faults can come and love me with all my faults, all my imperfections, all my junk!

I remember growing up and thinking "Do we really have to go to church again mom?!?!?!" Seriously I felt more like we lived in the actual church than we did in our own house. We went to church Sunday afternoon (back when I was a kid church service was in the afternoon since we shared the building with another church who used it in the morning), we went to service at one of the Church members houses on Tuesday night for Prayer Service, we went to church on Thursday night for kid's choir practice while my parents attended Bible Study and we went to Church Friday night for Youth Group. No I was not at the age of going to Youth Group at first but that did not stop us from going because I think my mom's philosphy was "Gotta get the Word one way or another!" Mom if you are reading this sorry and know I love you!  Anyways so we went to church at least four times a week. Don't get me started on the days we went to church for a Deacon meeting because my parents were on the Deacon board and they did not have sitters to leave us with, or when we went to a special event on a Saturday which would include a fundraiser of some kind for either something for the Youth Group, the Children's Choir, the Woman's Ministry or just the church in general. I really thought we LIVED in the church. But it was ok. I liked it. I loved playing hide and seek in the Sanctuary, Running down the long hallway from the Sanctuary to the Fellowship hall in only my socks because it felt like I was flying, I loved sitting in the Pastor's office when he would let me and looking at all the books in there and really wondering did he read all those or not while I drew pictures on the scrap paper he would let me have, and most importantly I loved scamming the old ladies (man that sounds so wrong but it is so true) for candy when my mom or dad weren't paying attention. Truth be told I think my dad knew about the last one because I would sometimes share my stash with him. But these really weren't the right reasons to love going to church though. I mean I know I was a kid but wow was my perception of church all messed up. Do you know that once we had a missionary come speak to the congregation and because we were a Spanish Speaking church he INSISTED on attempting to speak Spanish (which was not very well done) and I just laid down putting my head on Dad's lap because his constant stuttering over the words was annoying me? Wow how embarrassed was I when we went out to eat with said Missionary and he pointed out in front of everyone there that I slept through his sermon. I just remember thinking wow if you would have talked better maybe I would not have fallen asleep! Don't judge readers I was about 9 years old at the time.

I do remember though the wonderful day I became saved. Oh my mom has a voice like what I imagine the angels sound like in heaven. It is so beautiful, it is so light and so accurate everytime. My mom, let me brag about her a bit here, once sang in a choir for Billy Graham. I mean hey that's something amazing! Well this Sunday my mom sang my all time favorite song. I tried to find a version of it online but to no avail. The song was about the parable of the 100 sheeps and the shepherd and how if one goes missing the shepherd leaves the 99 to go find the one and how it doesn't matter how dangerous the situation is he will always save his little sheep, or is it lamb? Anywho I had heard mom sing this song thousands of times. I also grew up in a house filled with music and both mom and dad would just sing throughout the house, probably why I thought until I was about 13 that I lived in a real life musical, but I digressed. Mom sang this song and it touched my heart. I finally realized I was the lamb and God was my shepherd and I felt that conviction in my little old 11 year old heart that God was calling me to be a better me. He knew me and yet he chose me. Then our Pastor did a preaching that I was just mesmerized with. I could not stop listening to his words and even though I heard this same kind of message before it really hit home that day. God was calling ME. Little ol me. I was the youngest member of our group besides the babies and toddlers in the church and really never thought anyone would care to listen to me tell them about God's love but that is what God was calling me for! I waited patiently knowing that I saw in the bulletin that Pastor was going to do an Invitation to accept Christ at the end of his preaching but then it hit me. Fear! How could I raise my hand in front of everyone? How could I stand up in front of the congregation, go up to the Pastor and say I am a sinner and I am so sorry for all my sins? How could I allow the entire church to see me as a sinner but you know what my parents are so awesome. I think they sensed that I was ready to do the sinners prayer and ready to take my very first step into a grown up relationship and they calmed my fears. Dad even walked with me to the front so I would not have to go at it alone. How great is that? My dad walked me down to both my major relationships. He walked me down the aisle at church at the age of 11 to start my walk and my relationship in Christ and he walked me down the aisle ten years later to start my walk and my relationship with my husband. A year later I asked Pastor if I could be Baptized and after taking the Baptism courses I one day in December became Born Again through water baptism. Unfortunately it was the coldest day of the year, the baptism robe was barely any kind of robe with insulation and guess what there was NO WATER HEATER! If you ever doubt God has a sense of humor I can prove you wrong there.

I had a best friend all through out Middle School. She was amazing. She also sang just like me but she sang a million times better and she even performed in front of large audiences in her church where as for me there was maybe 30 people on any given Sunday at our church that I would sing in front of. Her church had televised services on Sunday and for several she was the chosen Special Music and me I would watch from my home in awe of her vocal talent. We were inseparable from the grades of 6-8th but something happened when we got to High School 9th grade year. You see I am Spanish and she was white and even though that does not sound like a big deal (my two best friends here in El Paso, correction all my friends here in El Paso, are white!) back in High School the two did not mix. We began hanging out in different cliques. Me with all the Hispanics while she choose a sort of metal type group. I barely spoke to her that year. Even when I heard she got a boyfriend. I attempted to talk to her once during an audition for Drama that I went to with my sister for the musical performance of Peter Pan but when her boyfriend came around during our conversation I just got a bad feeling inside. Like this guy is no good. But I said absolutely nothing to her. She seemed happy enough and even though I heard she was no longer going to church who was I to be the Bible Thumper. I let it go. Another day I kept saying. You can always witness to her another day. Not to mention I was terrified of being made fun of for witnessing to her and her new friends. The whole school year went by and another day never came. I took Summer School that year because even though I did not fail Pre-Algebra I did not like the grade that I got and wanted to get at least a B+ in the class. My sister had just graduated High School and her and my mom went on a celebratory trip to Puerto Rico where we were all born. My oldest sister picked me up from Summer School and we went home. I was exhausted because since I had to wait for my oldest sister to get out of work to pick me up I hanged out with some friends after Summer School and so I came home, heated the pizza dad had left us and went to watch TV in his room since my older sister called the TV in the living room to watch something I was not interested in. I remember laying down on mom and dad's bed watching TV with my pizza and I fell asleep. I have no idea how long I was asleep for when my sister woke me up. She said there was a phone call for me. On the other line was a friend I had known since back in 6th grade. She asked me if I had heard the news about my friend A (don't want to put her name because I do not have permission to do so) That was the friend I kept putting off witnessing too after I knew she had strayed from God. I told her NO but in my mind I thought OK maybe she finally got discovered because of her amazing voice. NO my friend on the phone told me that they found her body up in a car with her boyfriend and they died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. My mind stopped. How can it be possible that a 14/15 year old girl be dead?!?! That doesn't happen! I knew old people died, I knew bad people died because of gun shots, gang violence, or drug overdoses. I even knew sick people die but not healthy teen girls!! For the next several weeks after her death (and I refused to go to her funeral or burial) I was wrecked with grief. Not the kind of grief that comes with the mourning of the loss of a friend but the kind of grief one gets because they missed out on a chance. I missed out on so many chances with her to witness to her. I let her salvation become something that could be wasted and thrown away. I only pray now that even though I NEVER took the opportunities God placed in me to talk to her (and there were plenty of times now that I look back) that someone else was braver than me. Someone else was better than me and that she heard the Word of God again, that she allowed it to convict her heart again, that she allowed it enter her again. I had nightmares after nightmares that my parents suffered alongside of me through because of this. I would dream of walking back into that school and seeing her again but her telling me: "Why didn't you witness to me? Did you not care about me? Why did you let me die not knowing of God?" I resolved in my mind and in my heart from that day forward that there will never be another soul out there that I will allow to lose because of my fear. I know I can not save everyone and I know the job of saving souls is not mine but Gods but I know that I will spread the Gospel whenever, wherever I can and even though I know one day I will face the judgement of not witnessing to that soul I know that will be the only soul I will face judgement for.

This song has been in my mind for so long now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KB_xxO0jBBI

Tomorrow might very well be too late so choose the Lord today.

Isaiah 55:11 tells us this: "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." NIV here we see there is no excuse for not witnessing to others. God takes the words from our mouths with purpose to plant a seed in others. This is all God requires of us. To spread His word and His love. "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile." Romans 1:16 NIV. Please do not be foolish like I was and be ashamed to speak of God because of fear of ridicule, fear of non acceptance or fear of rejection. The Bible tells us: "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." Luke 9:26 NIV and I know for one I do not want Christ ashamed of me before his Father during the time of judgement so I have resolved to never be ashamed of His word again. 

Readers I learned my lesson the hard way and I have had to live with that regret ever since. I know I asked the Lord to forgive me for my transgression of not witnessing when I had the opportunity to do so but I do allow my mind to remember because I do not want to grow complacent again and forget to do the task God has set out before me. This blog is one way I can witness to you who is reading this. I am surviving my walk with Christ by speaking of His word in this blog. I do not want to lose readers over this and I pray I do not but the matter of not speaking out for a God who I believe in with all that I am is not something I am willing to allow to slide. I love adding humor. I think laughter is wonderful and I hope in some of my childhood stories at the beginning I brought a smile to your face but I also hope I brought an awareness to each and every one of you. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Tomorrow you can face a diesease that can be life threatening, tomorrow you can face the business end of a gun, tomorrow you could be in crash or hit by bus. My point is that tomorrow might never come. Tomorrow could be the day the Lord comes for his bride and will you stand before Christ ashamed or will you stand before Christ victorious. Have you survived the biggest battle of life? Have you survived in your walk with Christ? 

Readers thank you for reading along with me.

Be blessed in HIM!