Learning to Let Go and Allow God to Take Over

Oh readers where do I begin, where do I begin? Well first and foremost I have been mistaken. I thought the treatment I was undergoing was radiation when alas it is not. I am undergoing Chemotherapy instead. So let me explain my situation here a minute. OK so I was blissfully ignorant one day sitting on my recliner, relaxing almost half asleep when I get a text message from a friend. She asks me what type of Radiation I was receiving. I remember the doctor talking to me about Radiation so I tell her the name that I remember hearing from the doctor. Oh readers this is when my blissful ignorance just jumped out the window and said to me: "See you later sucker!!" because my wonderful friend was conversing with another wonderful friend of mine and they were talking about how things did not seem to add up with me. These wonderful people assumed I was lying to them telling them my condition wasn't as bad as it really was because the Radiation I thought I was having was some hardcore stuff. Oh My Lanta was I scared to death now because they sent me the link explaining my form of Radiation (or what I thought was my form of Radiation) and first off that is some hardcore treatment and second of all it was not consistent with the form of cancer they said they are battling with right now. So what do I do? I PANIC!! All I could think about was what is happening? Am I dying right now? What will happen to my children since my husband is deployed? Would I ever see my husband again? Oh the thoughts, the negative thoughts were so endless and so consuming that it was a Friday night and I called the doctors office (mind you they are closed and I leave a frantic message with an unsuspecting, poor telephone operator saying I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY ONCOLOGIST IMMEDIATELY. Her first reaction is to tell me ma'am do you need an ambulance? Do you need to go to the ER? Now all I ask her is if I show up at the ER will my Oncologist be there? To this she answered no and I told her then why do I want to go to the ER? Poor woman was just attempting to do her job and I am sure she did not think she would get a call from a psycho person when she answered the phone that faithful Friday evening. I waited and waited. Man do you know how hard it is to wait when you are panicked? Oh you do? Well then you know how my weekend went. Finally I get to see my doctor. Poor guy because between talking with my friends and now thinking as clearly as I could I arrived at my appointment with a list. A WHOLE LIST of questions for this unsuspecting Oncologist and part of me wondered if he thought hey maybe I should just magically start taking off the days this woman has to come in for her treatments because this tiny Puerto Rican woman is going to be the end of me! Well I was a nervous wreck and I am thankful for the wonderful woman who goes along with me to my appointments because she really stayed calm, she helped calm me down and afterwards shared in a good laugh with me over my expense at NOT LISTENING TO THE DOCTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE! Readers I can not stress this enough: Always listen to your doctor when they are giving you instructions, information and treatment information. You see last time I had radiation so this time apparently when they mentioned I was back in this battle I must have zoned out and only thought about last time. I remember him saying that I was going in to have blood work, I remember him talking about treatments and I remember him saying IV so I put it all together in my crazy mind and said ok I am having radiation like last time but this time through and IV. Oh well that was not the case. He discussed all treatments with me telling me that what I was going to have was chemo but no that did not stick in my head the first time. Oh My Lanta why oh why did I not listen????

Well so here we are. I have finished two weeks of Chemo and will be starting my third week this week. I have learned so much though in this past two weeks. Lesson One being to listen to your doctor and not get the wrong information to begin with. Lesson Two being that others are there for you. This lesson even though it seems easy enough for someone who struggles with asking for anything it is hard. I have had to learn that guess what as much as I want to be Wonder Woman, I mean hey first of all she is a knock out, who wouldn't want to look like her and have those fun toys like the invisible jet and that cool lasso thing, I am not her and I can not do it all. I have had to learn to say that I can not do something. And for someone like me who is always wanting to and feeling like she has something to prove saying I can not do something is a huge deal for me. I love my kids and I love doing everything I can for them but lately everything I can is just not a whole lot. I am tired so much and I am worn out easily. I have had to release control of things in the house to them. Are they getting done? Yea. Are they getting done the way I like and how I like? Nope but hey at least it is getting done and done by someone I love. I have had to at work admit that I can not do it all either. Oh I love that I found a job finally that I know I am good at and that I feel fulfilled with but it is so demanding. I have had to cut my hours drastically. Not so good for my wallet but very good for my health. I have had to tell family I am not strong enough to do certain things like Christmas shopping. I have always wanted my family to see me as strong and capable, to see me as the woman I always saw when I looked in the mirror and not the little girl I thought they always saw when they looked at me that needed taking care of, but now I had to admit I am weak right now and even shopping for Christmas is too hard on my body. I have had to face the reality that I am not who I always wanted to be but that is just for now because this time shall pass and I know my Lord will restore my strength but in the mean time I need to rely on Him and the people he has placed in my life. And lesson three is to have faith that can move mountains. Last time I did not feel shaken up by my diagnosis, last time though I had my husband's help, I had the knowledge of my mother coming to care for me, I had a peace but this time around I have felt defeated. I feel despair and fear and I do not like that feeling so I need my faith, my mountain moving faith to know I can overcome this. I have learned that God will give me the strength each and every day. I am seeing my healing as a day by day thing and if I survive each day, through God's strength because I know I have no strength as my own then I have received my healing.

Readers, I can not stress enough to first and foremost listen when your doctor is talking to you. It saves so much heart ache and stress, and secondly know that our strength comes from God. He gives us the ability to survive each day. Truth be told there are mornings I do not find within my own strength to get up and out of bed and there were days like that even before the Chemo but I do it and not through me or through my own strength, will power or what not but through Christ. Leaning on Him and allowing Him to care for me. I know its a struggle and its a challenge. I know there will be days when I feel fine and days when I feel an inch from the grave. I know there are good times and there are terrible times but I plan to pass each day talking to my God, leaning on my God, depending on my God. My husband is overseas right now, my parents and sisters are on the other side of this country, but God is always with me. He has never left nor forsaken me and the best part is that He put these amazing people in my life to love me, care for me, and kick me in butt when I do not ask for help. God has my back each and every day and because of that I know He will always be there for me.

Thanks readers for reading along and following me on my journey.

And as always:

Be Blessed in HIM!

Here We Go Again...

Well readers I have debated the past couple of weeks on whether I would come back to this blog and start documenting my journey or not. I debated on whether I would announce I am back in this battle again not only here on my blog but in my personal life again. I debated on whether I would beg my husband's chain of command to allow him to stay from this deployment and take care of me and then I realized. I realized that I have always believed that God does not place things in our lives that He has not already equipped us to handle. That He does not allow things to come into our lives not already knowing the outcome and no matter what I choose to do or not the outcome will be what it is because it is in God's will.

Well I am back in my journey with Cancer. I did not share this with everyone last time but about 2 months or so after my surgery I was found to have a mutation in my ovaries (why they just would not remove them from the get go is still strange to me) and so I had to undergo a very low dose of radiation. The one round of radiation and the mutation was no longer found again when I went back for the follow-up. I thought this is awesome I am completely cancer free now. Well it has been 3 months since I did the radiation and guess what? It's back. They found more mutation and because it has only been three months since the last time they want to do 2 rounds of radiation this time and a stronger dosage as well.

My heart sank readers. This time I felt like I could not find any joy, any humor, any peace in my life. I felt at first like my God completely forgot about me and now not only do I have to face this but I have to face it alone. My husband is deployed, had to leave right after I found out about the need for more radiation. I was given the choice to inform his chain of command and have him stay. Truthfully the scared little girl inside me screamed out: PLEASE STAY! But the words never left my mouth for some reason. I know God did not allow them to because every fiber in my being wanted to beg, plead, bargain and do anything else it would take for him to stay and yet like I was paralyed to act on those feelings. My husband now currently is overseas.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw my hands up and quit and I couldn't. I know there is a reason this is happening again and I know one day whether it will be here on earth or up in glory with my God I will know the reason but as of today, November 12, 2012, I do not know why I have to go through this again.

I thought about last time. I thought about how I was ok with my diagnosis because I knew that my God was greater than the cancer but there were others who were not ok with it. I thought maybe I will keep this to myself. I thought about the stress I put on my family and friends last time, the worry they went through because of me and I thought maybe I should keep this all to myself and then I remembered the countless emails I received from women I never even met, but read my story, my journey last time. How they had come to find a peace with God because of what they read in this blog. Then I looked down at the shirt I am currently wearing, the one I received at this year's Relay For Life that says: "Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back" and on the back says: "I AM HOPE!" And I am reminded that others are benefitting from hearing all that God is doing and all the work He is doing in me by healing me, giving me strength, hope, peace. I am reminded that this may not even be about me but by sharing this I may reach someone who doesn't  know God and his amazing healing power. My journey as much as my narcisstic side may want to think it is all about me it really is not! Its all about God and His work in me.

I am reminded of those who have come before me. Those who battled and those who won, those who lost but those who gained the ultimate prize of finishing the race and now are rejoicing with God.

Last time I dealt with some things that I did not want to deal with and so was putting off writing again about my journey or even telling anyone about it but God kept convicting me to write and I have rebelled and not done so and have been ashamed that I did not obey and trust in Him. I am not claiming cancer again. I am just stating a fact of where I am at in my journey again. I am not saying that I am not claiming cancer because my faith is strong enough to heal me because my faith has nothing to do with the fact that I have cancer or not. My faith allows me to cope but it is up to God whether I get healing or not and I know my faith is right in Him.

Tomorrow readers I begin my first round of the two rounds of radiation. I ask for prayer that I can withstand this to the best of my ability through Christ. I know it is going to be hard but I pray that I can find my joy and peace again like before.

"For I will restore health to you,
    and your wounds I will heal,
declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17

thanks for everything readers and as always 

be blessed in Him!!