Here We Go Again...

Well readers I have debated the past couple of weeks on whether I would come back to this blog and start documenting my journey or not. I debated on whether I would announce I am back in this battle again not only here on my blog but in my personal life again. I debated on whether I would beg my husband's chain of command to allow him to stay from this deployment and take care of me and then I realized. I realized that I have always believed that God does not place things in our lives that He has not already equipped us to handle. That He does not allow things to come into our lives not already knowing the outcome and no matter what I choose to do or not the outcome will be what it is because it is in God's will.

Well I am back in my journey with Cancer. I did not share this with everyone last time but about 2 months or so after my surgery I was found to have a mutation in my ovaries (why they just would not remove them from the get go is still strange to me) and so I had to undergo a very low dose of radiation. The one round of radiation and the mutation was no longer found again when I went back for the follow-up. I thought this is awesome I am completely cancer free now. Well it has been 3 months since I did the radiation and guess what? It's back. They found more mutation and because it has only been three months since the last time they want to do 2 rounds of radiation this time and a stronger dosage as well.

My heart sank readers. This time I felt like I could not find any joy, any humor, any peace in my life. I felt at first like my God completely forgot about me and now not only do I have to face this but I have to face it alone. My husband is deployed, had to leave right after I found out about the need for more radiation. I was given the choice to inform his chain of command and have him stay. Truthfully the scared little girl inside me screamed out: PLEASE STAY! But the words never left my mouth for some reason. I know God did not allow them to because every fiber in my being wanted to beg, plead, bargain and do anything else it would take for him to stay and yet like I was paralyed to act on those feelings. My husband now currently is overseas.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw my hands up and quit and I couldn't. I know there is a reason this is happening again and I know one day whether it will be here on earth or up in glory with my God I will know the reason but as of today, November 12, 2012, I do not know why I have to go through this again.

I thought about last time. I thought about how I was ok with my diagnosis because I knew that my God was greater than the cancer but there were others who were not ok with it. I thought maybe I will keep this to myself. I thought about the stress I put on my family and friends last time, the worry they went through because of me and I thought maybe I should keep this all to myself and then I remembered the countless emails I received from women I never even met, but read my story, my journey last time. How they had come to find a peace with God because of what they read in this blog. Then I looked down at the shirt I am currently wearing, the one I received at this year's Relay For Life that says: "Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back" and on the back says: "I AM HOPE!" And I am reminded that others are benefitting from hearing all that God is doing and all the work He is doing in me by healing me, giving me strength, hope, peace. I am reminded that this may not even be about me but by sharing this I may reach someone who doesn't  know God and his amazing healing power. My journey as much as my narcisstic side may want to think it is all about me it really is not! Its all about God and His work in me.

I am reminded of those who have come before me. Those who battled and those who won, those who lost but those who gained the ultimate prize of finishing the race and now are rejoicing with God.

Last time I dealt with some things that I did not want to deal with and so was putting off writing again about my journey or even telling anyone about it but God kept convicting me to write and I have rebelled and not done so and have been ashamed that I did not obey and trust in Him. I am not claiming cancer again. I am just stating a fact of where I am at in my journey again. I am not saying that I am not claiming cancer because my faith is strong enough to heal me because my faith has nothing to do with the fact that I have cancer or not. My faith allows me to cope but it is up to God whether I get healing or not and I know my faith is right in Him.

Tomorrow readers I begin my first round of the two rounds of radiation. I ask for prayer that I can withstand this to the best of my ability through Christ. I know it is going to be hard but I pray that I can find my joy and peace again like before.

"For I will restore health to you,
    and your wounds I will heal,
declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17

thanks for everything readers and as always 

be blessed in Him!!