What a year 2012 has been. There have been so many memorable moments. From ups to downs. From having my personal aha moments to my come to Jesus moments to even the ha ha ha moments in my life. I don't know about you readers but I am grateful that all things have a season. Even the good things. I love, absolutely love my children but I am so grateful that they are the age they are now. Even though I joke and tease them saying how I missed their baby years I am so glad not to be in that stage of my life right now. I am so grateful for no longer having to worry about midnight feedings, about 2 am diaper changes where your eyes are half closed so you leave one little butt cheek out in the wind because at that time of the morning the concept of those little tape things do not seem to be understandable. Or what about the boy and getting sprayed right in the forehead because you did not have enough foresight to cover him up before the cold air hit him so now you have pee running down your face all while you try to find a wipe to clean off your face. No I do not miss that in the slightest. Now when I want my baby fix I just get it at work with my little ones but my nights are filled with sweet, sweet dreams instead of bottles and diapers.
2012 has had its moments. It has taught me so much and has given me wonderful blessings and even trials and tribulations but it all comes for a season.
JANUARY: well we were in an adjustment period at this time in our lives as we were getting used to having dad back home from Iraq and getting used to family life, time and schedule again. But by this time we were adjusting rather beautifully thank God.
FEBRUARY: my second daughter turned 11 and became a member of our churches Youth Group. This was an adjustment for her but one she is doing beautifully with now. I began blogging my journey about my life. And my youth group participated in their very first 30 hour famine where we exceeded the funds we hoped to raise for World Vision to help starving children.
MARCH: Sammy and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have had a marriage of ups and downs but our love keeps us going strong. I received my Uterine Cancer diagnosis. Was placed on hormones (hate hormones by the way!) and went to my very first ever Youth leader conference (hope its not my last cause I enjoyed it even while sick) to Dallas. Never been to DALLAS!
APRIL: I had my hysterectomy which pushed me into full blown menopause at the age of 34. My mom came to stay with me for a week to care for me. My children and husband had to learn what life without mom being able to do it all was like.
MAY: OK May was fun. Our church hosted a "I kicked cancer's butt" party and they had Jeff Anderson who I love how he sings and Esterlyn who my daughter loves how they sing perform at our church. It was awesome. We also wrapped up the homeschool year and the kids did wonderfully! I also began radiation.
JUNE: Ooh ooh June was fun too! We went on a retreat paid for by the Army to Ruidoso, NM and it is beautiful over there. And on our way home we saw snow, snow in JUNE?!?! And we saw all these different wild animals and then we came home and participated in our first ever Relay for Life. Something that we will make a yearly event always. I finished radiation.
JULY: I started job searching and received a job here on base but it took longer than a month for them to process my paperwork and give me my start date. I also got my very first fun hairstyle with the blue green streaks. And my sister ended the month by coming to visit with her husband and I met my nephew for the first time ever!
AUGUST: I got my job at the daycare. A job I feel I was meant to have. Something that I know I am good at. My oldest turned 13 years old! Big milestone. All my kids began Public School.
SEPTEMBER: I turned 35. I found out my husband was deploying with a month and a half notice. September was not a good month.
OCTOBER: we were getting ready to say goodbye again to my husband. Then my in-laws came to visit us. I was diagnosed once again with cancer but this time in the Ovaries. And I got my new temperpedic bed. Halloween night was our last night with my husband and the memories of that night I believe we will remember always. Also the night before he left my husband finally got down on bended knee and gave me the proposal I had been waiting 13 years for.
NOVEMBER: we said goodbye to husband. He re-enlisted for another 3 years. Very emotional and hard day. We celebrated husband's birthday for the third year in a row without him. My son turned 10! My first year NOT cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Began chemo. Withdrew kids from Public School due to issues and began homeschooling again.
DECEMBER: Well here we are. In this month I cut my hair short for the first time. I then began to lose my hair and now I am bald. I am learning to continue to survive this crazy life of mine. I am currently on break from chemo and will begin again after the New Year.
I am looking forward to a year in 2013 where health is the main focus. As you can see health plagued a good part of 2012 but I look forward to a better health in 2013. I look forward to continuing my journey in hopes that maybe through my blog and my journey I can make a difference in the life of others. Thanks for reading alongside me readers. I look forward to more and more time together in 2013.
And as always:
Be BLESSED in HIM!!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Learning Who Am I?
Why Me? I keep asking myself this same question lately but maybe not
in the way you may think. I am not asking why me because I got cancer,
or why me because I lost my hair, or even why me because my husband is
deployed during Christmas. I am asking why me because of all the
blessings and the love I am receiving.
Why do these amazing people care for me so much to do what they do for me? I have friends who I have only known for a year who love me so much that they shaved their heads for me when I shaved mine just so I would not feel alone. Why me? I have someone who annoymously sent me a $100 gift card in the mail for my family and I to have a good Christmas. Why me? I was gifted yet again a bike for my son, again annoymously, to give him something I could not afford to buy myself. Why me? I was gifted annoymously a Christmas dinner for my kids and I? Again why me? I was loved so much that when I began Chemo my church family decided to arrange meals for me on the days that I received Chemo because on those days it is hard for me to have even energy to walk down the hall let alone cook for my children Why me? Many of the woman in my church cut their hair for me when I first decided to cut mine and was nervous about going short just to provide me with support along with my sister and niece. Why me? Prayers have been lifted up for me all over the world through various family, friends and army wives for my healing. Why me?
I feel so much love lately. I cry with emotion. I cry filled with love. I am writing this right now and am sitting here crying and thanking God for his many, many blessings in my life and then it hits me. This is why me! It is not about me. It is about God and his love for me. He has placed this situation in my life, He has placed these people in my life, He has placed these blessings in my life. Pastor yesterday during his sermon, and yes Pastor see I listen (LOL), was saying that all the situations in our lives, the good and the bad, were placed there by God for a specific divine reason. God allowed cancer to invade my body but maybe to show me that even through the darkness his light shines through.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/hMPCNrWNCg8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Thank you readers for your prayers. Thank you for all your blessings. I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas filled with the love that comes with our Savior Jesus Christ.
Be Blessed in HIM
Why do these amazing people care for me so much to do what they do for me? I have friends who I have only known for a year who love me so much that they shaved their heads for me when I shaved mine just so I would not feel alone. Why me? I have someone who annoymously sent me a $100 gift card in the mail for my family and I to have a good Christmas. Why me? I was gifted yet again a bike for my son, again annoymously, to give him something I could not afford to buy myself. Why me? I was gifted annoymously a Christmas dinner for my kids and I? Again why me? I was loved so much that when I began Chemo my church family decided to arrange meals for me on the days that I received Chemo because on those days it is hard for me to have even energy to walk down the hall let alone cook for my children Why me? Many of the woman in my church cut their hair for me when I first decided to cut mine and was nervous about going short just to provide me with support along with my sister and niece. Why me? Prayers have been lifted up for me all over the world through various family, friends and army wives for my healing. Why me?
I feel so much love lately. I cry with emotion. I cry filled with love. I am writing this right now and am sitting here crying and thanking God for his many, many blessings in my life and then it hits me. This is why me! It is not about me. It is about God and his love for me. He has placed this situation in my life, He has placed these people in my life, He has placed these blessings in my life. Pastor yesterday during his sermon, and yes Pastor see I listen (LOL), was saying that all the situations in our lives, the good and the bad, were placed there by God for a specific divine reason. God allowed cancer to invade my body but maybe to show me that even through the darkness his light shines through.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/hMPCNrWNCg8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Thank you readers for your prayers. Thank you for all your blessings. I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas filled with the love that comes with our Savior Jesus Christ.
Be Blessed in HIM
Friday, December 7, 2012
Learning to Hear God Even Through All The Noise
As I lie here in bed I have come to think and contemplate on a couple of things. I love quiet times when you can allow your heart and your mind to think on things. First off I was thinking about the people in my life. I have been blessed with some amazing people and I have had people put in my life to teach me valuable lessons on tolerance, forgiveness and even patience and self control. I want to focus on the first set of people. God blessed me 30 some years ago placing me in the family that He did. I love that my family is passionate, is loving, and comes through for one another no matter the cost, the situation or even the circumstance. My parents taught my sisters and I growing up to be good Christians who put others ahead of ourselves and so I am blessed that I have such an amazing support system in them. Even though they are far away right now I know they all would love to be here for me but can not right now and that is ok because God has blessed me enough already here. I know their prayers are constant for me and that is what keeps me going. I know their love for me is neverending and so I through their strength can draw on my own strength from the Lord. I was blessed 14 years ago meeting the man that would become my best friend, my husband, my support and my amazing rock. He too is far away but even though he is far from me right now I can just look into his eyes through that computer screen when we Skype and know two things: One he would drop everything and come home to care for me, and Two he loves me so much. He might be exhausted from one mission or another but he tries to video call us at least 3 times a week just to check in on us. I know some husband don't do that all the time but he does and him missing those moments to sleep just to talk to us means the world to me. Some days I wish I showed my gratitude better than just a simple smile or a meek sounding thanks because I am so tired myself. I have been blessed with three amazing kids who make me feel like everything will always be alright because when they look at me and smile my heart sings. Even though they got dealt with the short end of the deal as kids with a deployed dad and sick mom they don't complain, they don't gripe they just roll with the punches and get on with their lives. I am so proud of each of them. I hear so many people complain about one thing or another and wonder to myself: Seriously this is your life altering, life changing, debilitating moment in your life? Look at what my kids face on a daily basis and they find their strength to get up each and every morning and deal with it. I think about my friends back home who call, text, or now that I am phoneless send me Facebook messages telling me that they love me and how much they would like to come see me. It makes me miss them more and more. I think about my new friends here in El Paso. God granted me after much prayer to find just one good friend to make this life away from home somewhat bearable with so many amazing and wonderful new friends. I am truly blessed when I think of them too. I may not have chosen my family but I am blessed with them. I did chose my husband and I am blessed with him. I chose to have each of my children and they have blessed me beyond belief. I chose my friends back home and they are a blessing in and of itself. But my friends here in El Paso I know I did not chose, I know God chose them for me knowing I would need these amazing people in my life.
Then I began thinking about something a co-worker said to me today. I am blessed with an amazing set of women that I work with but one of the ladies said something that at first hit me or struck me the wrong way but then I started to think on it and really mull it over. I have had to cut drastically my hours at work. Chemo is not very conducive for working long hours on ones feet, running around after Pre-Toddlers and Toddlers alike. When I went to clock out one of my co-workers passed me in the hall and with her very tired face as she went to help my replacement with my class she said: Oh Mrs. Evy you are so lucky! I know she meant it because I get to leave by 10:15 every morning and she was saying it in an envious way like Oh why can't I get a break and leave early which kinda got me all defensive at first but even though I wanted to open my mouth and say: "Really? Lucky?? Let me tell you what I am going through!!" (not all my co-workers know about my health situation by the way) I felt the need, the urgency to just SHUT MY MOUTH! This woman I work with is a sweet young lady, she is tired from her long hours, she has her own situations to deal with and she has every right to say what she felt without some stressed out, over tired, over sensitive, 5 foot nothing of Latina fury coming at her. She did not mean it, I know, in any mean spirited way but at first I took it like that. I have to allow God to lead my spirit in a time like this. I can only shutter to think what would have happened to my wonderful work relationship with her and the others if I went full force and yelled at her saying what I wanted to say which was: "LUCKY?!?!?! HOW AM I LUCKY WHEN I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO, WHEN MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED AND I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, WHEN I AM WONDERING HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT LIFE KEEPS WANTING TO THROW AT ME!!!!!!" See how this would have probably led to some sort of conflict? I love that God knows everything and does not allow me to make such HUGE mistakes as this when I am struggling to know my place in this world. I smiled, maybe not genuinely, but, I smiled and I told her yea I guess so as I walked over to the office to go and clock out. On my ride home I began to stew over her comment. I know petty and childish but I stewed anyways. I wondered how this woman could think I was LUCKY when I felt like nothing, absolutely nothing was going my way. I began to talk to myself on my drive home, even insisting on going through the main road with all the stop lights instead of getting on the highway and shooting straight on home very quickly because I was being such a baby and wanting to stew over the silliest of comments. I was saying things like, how lucky am I really with my paycheck being cut more than half of what I used to bring home? How am I lucky that I have to have chemo and have begun losing my hair? How lucky am I that if I try to eat even one lousy Bean Burrito from Taco Bell I wind up vomitting uncontrollably (this happened yesterday when I had the biggest craving for Taco Bell) and how lucky am I that my husband is deployed essentially leaving me a single mother right now. This last comment stopped me dead in my tracks of self pity and self loathing. You see this woman works such long hours to support her two children that she raises all alone, not because her husband is deployed but because she really is a single mom while I am a "single mom" for a small season of my life until my husband comes home again. This woman is currently working such long hours because she needs the money to find a home for her and her two kids. This woman anytime I have ever asked her for anything at work has always been more than helpful to me even though I am just the part timer and she works full time. This woman never meant her comment maliciously and for some reason whether it was the hormones, the lack of sleep or just me being a bit touchy I chose to take the comment for something it never was. God spoke to me through my noise in my head telling me I had every right to be bitter and sour and told me that I need to pretty much get over myself and realize hey she has her feelings and I have mine. She has her situations and I have mine. I can pray for her situations and she and others can pray for mine. I can be the God that she sees or I can be the world that she sees and the choice is mine. I humbled myself right then and there. I stopped my own woe is me and prayed to God please allow me to empty myself of myself and fill myself of HIM.
God can talk to us through it all. Whether we are having our quiet time with him, we are in the midst of trials, or even when we are in the midst of rejoicing. God can speak to us through others, like my son who has begun his Christmas Countdown focusing on Jesus and not Santa or the toys. He can speak to us through the noise too like when we are waging an internal war with ourselves. God is in the midst of it all and we need to focus more and more on Him. He speaks to us each and every day but it is up to us to listen to Him. I am learning to do just that. I want to become closer to God, to know that I am in a deeper and greater relationship with Him. I want to hear Him in the quiet and in the noise, I want to hear Him when in trials and when in rejoicing. I want to be closer to HIM.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28
"My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 21:1-5
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God." John 8:47
Thank you readers for all your continued prayers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Then I began thinking about something a co-worker said to me today. I am blessed with an amazing set of women that I work with but one of the ladies said something that at first hit me or struck me the wrong way but then I started to think on it and really mull it over. I have had to cut drastically my hours at work. Chemo is not very conducive for working long hours on ones feet, running around after Pre-Toddlers and Toddlers alike. When I went to clock out one of my co-workers passed me in the hall and with her very tired face as she went to help my replacement with my class she said: Oh Mrs. Evy you are so lucky! I know she meant it because I get to leave by 10:15 every morning and she was saying it in an envious way like Oh why can't I get a break and leave early which kinda got me all defensive at first but even though I wanted to open my mouth and say: "Really? Lucky?? Let me tell you what I am going through!!" (not all my co-workers know about my health situation by the way) I felt the need, the urgency to just SHUT MY MOUTH! This woman I work with is a sweet young lady, she is tired from her long hours, she has her own situations to deal with and she has every right to say what she felt without some stressed out, over tired, over sensitive, 5 foot nothing of Latina fury coming at her. She did not mean it, I know, in any mean spirited way but at first I took it like that. I have to allow God to lead my spirit in a time like this. I can only shutter to think what would have happened to my wonderful work relationship with her and the others if I went full force and yelled at her saying what I wanted to say which was: "LUCKY?!?!?! HOW AM I LUCKY WHEN I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO, WHEN MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED AND I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, WHEN I AM WONDERING HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT LIFE KEEPS WANTING TO THROW AT ME!!!!!!" See how this would have probably led to some sort of conflict? I love that God knows everything and does not allow me to make such HUGE mistakes as this when I am struggling to know my place in this world. I smiled, maybe not genuinely, but, I smiled and I told her yea I guess so as I walked over to the office to go and clock out. On my ride home I began to stew over her comment. I know petty and childish but I stewed anyways. I wondered how this woman could think I was LUCKY when I felt like nothing, absolutely nothing was going my way. I began to talk to myself on my drive home, even insisting on going through the main road with all the stop lights instead of getting on the highway and shooting straight on home very quickly because I was being such a baby and wanting to stew over the silliest of comments. I was saying things like, how lucky am I really with my paycheck being cut more than half of what I used to bring home? How am I lucky that I have to have chemo and have begun losing my hair? How lucky am I that if I try to eat even one lousy Bean Burrito from Taco Bell I wind up vomitting uncontrollably (this happened yesterday when I had the biggest craving for Taco Bell) and how lucky am I that my husband is deployed essentially leaving me a single mother right now. This last comment stopped me dead in my tracks of self pity and self loathing. You see this woman works such long hours to support her two children that she raises all alone, not because her husband is deployed but because she really is a single mom while I am a "single mom" for a small season of my life until my husband comes home again. This woman is currently working such long hours because she needs the money to find a home for her and her two kids. This woman anytime I have ever asked her for anything at work has always been more than helpful to me even though I am just the part timer and she works full time. This woman never meant her comment maliciously and for some reason whether it was the hormones, the lack of sleep or just me being a bit touchy I chose to take the comment for something it never was. God spoke to me through my noise in my head telling me I had every right to be bitter and sour and told me that I need to pretty much get over myself and realize hey she has her feelings and I have mine. She has her situations and I have mine. I can pray for her situations and she and others can pray for mine. I can be the God that she sees or I can be the world that she sees and the choice is mine. I humbled myself right then and there. I stopped my own woe is me and prayed to God please allow me to empty myself of myself and fill myself of HIM.
God can talk to us through it all. Whether we are having our quiet time with him, we are in the midst of trials, or even when we are in the midst of rejoicing. God can speak to us through others, like my son who has begun his Christmas Countdown focusing on Jesus and not Santa or the toys. He can speak to us through the noise too like when we are waging an internal war with ourselves. God is in the midst of it all and we need to focus more and more on Him. He speaks to us each and every day but it is up to us to listen to Him. I am learning to do just that. I want to become closer to God, to know that I am in a deeper and greater relationship with Him. I want to hear Him in the quiet and in the noise, I want to hear Him when in trials and when in rejoicing. I want to be closer to HIM.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28
"My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 21:1-5
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God." John 8:47
Thank you readers for all your continued prayers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Learning to Let Go and Allow God to Take Over
Oh readers where do I begin, where do I begin? Well first and foremost I have been mistaken. I thought the treatment I was undergoing was radiation when alas it is not. I am undergoing Chemotherapy instead. So let me explain my situation here a minute. OK so I was blissfully ignorant one day sitting on my recliner, relaxing almost half asleep when I get a text message from a friend. She asks me what type of Radiation I was receiving. I remember the doctor talking to me about Radiation so I tell her the name that I remember hearing from the doctor. Oh readers this is when my blissful ignorance just jumped out the window and said to me: "See you later sucker!!" because my wonderful friend was conversing with another wonderful friend of mine and they were talking about how things did not seem to add up with me. These wonderful people assumed I was lying to them telling them my condition wasn't as bad as it really was because the Radiation I thought I was having was some hardcore stuff. Oh My Lanta was I scared to death now because they sent me the link explaining my form of Radiation (or what I thought was my form of Radiation) and first off that is some hardcore treatment and second of all it was not consistent with the form of cancer they said they are battling with right now. So what do I do? I PANIC!! All I could think about was what is happening? Am I dying right now? What will happen to my children since my husband is deployed? Would I ever see my husband again? Oh the thoughts, the negative thoughts were so endless and so consuming that it was a Friday night and I called the doctors office (mind you they are closed and I leave a frantic message with an unsuspecting, poor telephone operator saying I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY ONCOLOGIST IMMEDIATELY. Her first reaction is to tell me ma'am do you need an ambulance? Do you need to go to the ER? Now all I ask her is if I show up at the ER will my Oncologist be there? To this she answered no and I told her then why do I want to go to the ER? Poor woman was just attempting to do her job and I am sure she did not think she would get a call from a psycho person when she answered the phone that faithful Friday evening. I waited and waited. Man do you know how hard it is to wait when you are panicked? Oh you do? Well then you know how my weekend went. Finally I get to see my doctor. Poor guy because between talking with my friends and now thinking as clearly as I could I arrived at my appointment with a list. A WHOLE LIST of questions for this unsuspecting Oncologist and part of me wondered if he thought hey maybe I should just magically start taking off the days this woman has to come in for her treatments because this tiny Puerto Rican woman is going to be the end of me! Well I was a nervous wreck and I am thankful for the wonderful woman who goes along with me to my appointments because she really stayed calm, she helped calm me down and afterwards shared in a good laugh with me over my expense at NOT LISTENING TO THE DOCTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE! Readers I can not stress this enough: Always listen to your doctor when they are giving you instructions, information and treatment information. You see last time I had radiation so this time apparently when they mentioned I was back in this battle I must have zoned out and only thought about last time. I remember him saying that I was going in to have blood work, I remember him talking about treatments and I remember him saying IV so I put it all together in my crazy mind and said ok I am having radiation like last time but this time through and IV. Oh well that was not the case. He discussed all treatments with me telling me that what I was going to have was chemo but no that did not stick in my head the first time. Oh My Lanta why oh why did I not listen????
Well so here we are. I have finished two weeks of Chemo and will be starting my third week this week. I have learned so much though in this past two weeks. Lesson One being to listen to your doctor and not get the wrong information to begin with. Lesson Two being that others are there for you. This lesson even though it seems easy enough for someone who struggles with asking for anything it is hard. I have had to learn that guess what as much as I want to be Wonder Woman, I mean hey first of all she is a knock out, who wouldn't want to look like her and have those fun toys like the invisible jet and that cool lasso thing, I am not her and I can not do it all. I have had to learn to say that I can not do something. And for someone like me who is always wanting to and feeling like she has something to prove saying I can not do something is a huge deal for me. I love my kids and I love doing everything I can for them but lately everything I can is just not a whole lot. I am tired so much and I am worn out easily. I have had to release control of things in the house to them. Are they getting done? Yea. Are they getting done the way I like and how I like? Nope but hey at least it is getting done and done by someone I love. I have had to at work admit that I can not do it all either. Oh I love that I found a job finally that I know I am good at and that I feel fulfilled with but it is so demanding. I have had to cut my hours drastically. Not so good for my wallet but very good for my health. I have had to tell family I am not strong enough to do certain things like Christmas shopping. I have always wanted my family to see me as strong and capable, to see me as the woman I always saw when I looked in the mirror and not the little girl I thought they always saw when they looked at me that needed taking care of, but now I had to admit I am weak right now and even shopping for Christmas is too hard on my body. I have had to face the reality that I am not who I always wanted to be but that is just for now because this time shall pass and I know my Lord will restore my strength but in the mean time I need to rely on Him and the people he has placed in my life. And lesson three is to have faith that can move mountains. Last time I did not feel shaken up by my diagnosis, last time though I had my husband's help, I had the knowledge of my mother coming to care for me, I had a peace but this time around I have felt defeated. I feel despair and fear and I do not like that feeling so I need my faith, my mountain moving faith to know I can overcome this. I have learned that God will give me the strength each and every day. I am seeing my healing as a day by day thing and if I survive each day, through God's strength because I know I have no strength as my own then I have received my healing.
Readers, I can not stress enough to first and foremost listen when your doctor is talking to you. It saves so much heart ache and stress, and secondly know that our strength comes from God. He gives us the ability to survive each day. Truth be told there are mornings I do not find within my own strength to get up and out of bed and there were days like that even before the Chemo but I do it and not through me or through my own strength, will power or what not but through Christ. Leaning on Him and allowing Him to care for me. I know its a struggle and its a challenge. I know there will be days when I feel fine and days when I feel an inch from the grave. I know there are good times and there are terrible times but I plan to pass each day talking to my God, leaning on my God, depending on my God. My husband is overseas right now, my parents and sisters are on the other side of this country, but God is always with me. He has never left nor forsaken me and the best part is that He put these amazing people in my life to love me, care for me, and kick me in butt when I do not ask for help. God has my back each and every day and because of that I know He will always be there for me.
Thanks readers for reading along and following me on my journey.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Well so here we are. I have finished two weeks of Chemo and will be starting my third week this week. I have learned so much though in this past two weeks. Lesson One being to listen to your doctor and not get the wrong information to begin with. Lesson Two being that others are there for you. This lesson even though it seems easy enough for someone who struggles with asking for anything it is hard. I have had to learn that guess what as much as I want to be Wonder Woman, I mean hey first of all she is a knock out, who wouldn't want to look like her and have those fun toys like the invisible jet and that cool lasso thing, I am not her and I can not do it all. I have had to learn to say that I can not do something. And for someone like me who is always wanting to and feeling like she has something to prove saying I can not do something is a huge deal for me. I love my kids and I love doing everything I can for them but lately everything I can is just not a whole lot. I am tired so much and I am worn out easily. I have had to release control of things in the house to them. Are they getting done? Yea. Are they getting done the way I like and how I like? Nope but hey at least it is getting done and done by someone I love. I have had to at work admit that I can not do it all either. Oh I love that I found a job finally that I know I am good at and that I feel fulfilled with but it is so demanding. I have had to cut my hours drastically. Not so good for my wallet but very good for my health. I have had to tell family I am not strong enough to do certain things like Christmas shopping. I have always wanted my family to see me as strong and capable, to see me as the woman I always saw when I looked in the mirror and not the little girl I thought they always saw when they looked at me that needed taking care of, but now I had to admit I am weak right now and even shopping for Christmas is too hard on my body. I have had to face the reality that I am not who I always wanted to be but that is just for now because this time shall pass and I know my Lord will restore my strength but in the mean time I need to rely on Him and the people he has placed in my life. And lesson three is to have faith that can move mountains. Last time I did not feel shaken up by my diagnosis, last time though I had my husband's help, I had the knowledge of my mother coming to care for me, I had a peace but this time around I have felt defeated. I feel despair and fear and I do not like that feeling so I need my faith, my mountain moving faith to know I can overcome this. I have learned that God will give me the strength each and every day. I am seeing my healing as a day by day thing and if I survive each day, through God's strength because I know I have no strength as my own then I have received my healing.
Readers, I can not stress enough to first and foremost listen when your doctor is talking to you. It saves so much heart ache and stress, and secondly know that our strength comes from God. He gives us the ability to survive each day. Truth be told there are mornings I do not find within my own strength to get up and out of bed and there were days like that even before the Chemo but I do it and not through me or through my own strength, will power or what not but through Christ. Leaning on Him and allowing Him to care for me. I know its a struggle and its a challenge. I know there will be days when I feel fine and days when I feel an inch from the grave. I know there are good times and there are terrible times but I plan to pass each day talking to my God, leaning on my God, depending on my God. My husband is overseas right now, my parents and sisters are on the other side of this country, but God is always with me. He has never left nor forsaken me and the best part is that He put these amazing people in my life to love me, care for me, and kick me in butt when I do not ask for help. God has my back each and every day and because of that I know He will always be there for me.
Thanks readers for reading along and following me on my journey.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Here We Go Again...
Well readers I have debated the past couple of weeks on whether I would come back to this blog and start documenting my journey or not. I debated on whether I would announce I am back in this battle again not only here on my blog but in my personal life again. I debated on whether I would beg my husband's chain of command to allow him to stay from this deployment and take care of me and then I realized. I realized that I have always believed that God does not place things in our lives that He has not already equipped us to handle. That He does not allow things to come into our lives not already knowing the outcome and no matter what I choose to do or not the outcome will be what it is because it is in God's will.
Well I am back in my journey with Cancer. I did not share this with everyone last time but about 2 months or so after my surgery I was found to have a mutation in my ovaries (why they just would not remove them from the get go is still strange to me) and so I had to undergo a very low dose of radiation. The one round of radiation and the mutation was no longer found again when I went back for the follow-up. I thought this is awesome I am completely cancer free now. Well it has been 3 months since I did the radiation and guess what? It's back. They found more mutation and because it has only been three months since the last time they want to do 2 rounds of radiation this time and a stronger dosage as well.
My heart sank readers. This time I felt like I could not find any joy, any humor, any peace in my life. I felt at first like my God completely forgot about me and now not only do I have to face this but I have to face it alone. My husband is deployed, had to leave right after I found out about the need for more radiation. I was given the choice to inform his chain of command and have him stay. Truthfully the scared little girl inside me screamed out: PLEASE STAY! But the words never left my mouth for some reason. I know God did not allow them to because every fiber in my being wanted to beg, plead, bargain and do anything else it would take for him to stay and yet like I was paralyed to act on those feelings. My husband now currently is overseas.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw my hands up and quit and I couldn't. I know there is a reason this is happening again and I know one day whether it will be here on earth or up in glory with my God I will know the reason but as of today, November 12, 2012, I do not know why I have to go through this again.
I thought about last time. I thought about how I was ok with my diagnosis because I knew that my God was greater than the cancer but there were others who were not ok with it. I thought maybe I will keep this to myself. I thought about the stress I put on my family and friends last time, the worry they went through because of me and I thought maybe I should keep this all to myself and then I remembered the countless emails I received from women I never even met, but read my story, my journey last time. How they had come to find a peace with God because of what they read in this blog. Then I looked down at the shirt I am currently wearing, the one I received at this year's Relay For Life that says: "Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back" and on the back says: "I AM HOPE!" And I am reminded that others are benefitting from hearing all that God is doing and all the work He is doing in me by healing me, giving me strength, hope, peace. I am reminded that this may not even be about me but by sharing this I may reach someone who doesn't know God and his amazing healing power. My journey as much as my narcisstic side may want to think it is all about me it really is not! Its all about God and His work in me.
I am reminded of those who have come before me. Those who battled and those who won, those who lost but those who gained the ultimate prize of finishing the race and now are rejoicing with God.
Last time I dealt with some things that I did not want to deal with and so was putting off writing again about my journey or even telling anyone about it but God kept convicting me to write and I have rebelled and not done so and have been ashamed that I did not obey and trust in Him. I am not claiming cancer again. I am just stating a fact of where I am at in my journey again. I am not saying that I am not claiming cancer because my faith is strong enough to heal me because my faith has nothing to do with the fact that I have cancer or not. My faith allows me to cope but it is up to God whether I get healing or not and I know my faith is right in Him.
Tomorrow readers I begin my first round of the two rounds of radiation. I ask for prayer that I can withstand this to the best of my ability through Christ. I know it is going to be hard but I pray that I can find my joy and peace again like before.
"For I will restore health to you,
and your wounds I will heal,
declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17
thanks for everything readers and as always
be blessed in Him!!
Well I am back in my journey with Cancer. I did not share this with everyone last time but about 2 months or so after my surgery I was found to have a mutation in my ovaries (why they just would not remove them from the get go is still strange to me) and so I had to undergo a very low dose of radiation. The one round of radiation and the mutation was no longer found again when I went back for the follow-up. I thought this is awesome I am completely cancer free now. Well it has been 3 months since I did the radiation and guess what? It's back. They found more mutation and because it has only been three months since the last time they want to do 2 rounds of radiation this time and a stronger dosage as well.
My heart sank readers. This time I felt like I could not find any joy, any humor, any peace in my life. I felt at first like my God completely forgot about me and now not only do I have to face this but I have to face it alone. My husband is deployed, had to leave right after I found out about the need for more radiation. I was given the choice to inform his chain of command and have him stay. Truthfully the scared little girl inside me screamed out: PLEASE STAY! But the words never left my mouth for some reason. I know God did not allow them to because every fiber in my being wanted to beg, plead, bargain and do anything else it would take for him to stay and yet like I was paralyed to act on those feelings. My husband now currently is overseas.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw my hands up and quit and I couldn't. I know there is a reason this is happening again and I know one day whether it will be here on earth or up in glory with my God I will know the reason but as of today, November 12, 2012, I do not know why I have to go through this again.
I thought about last time. I thought about how I was ok with my diagnosis because I knew that my God was greater than the cancer but there were others who were not ok with it. I thought maybe I will keep this to myself. I thought about the stress I put on my family and friends last time, the worry they went through because of me and I thought maybe I should keep this all to myself and then I remembered the countless emails I received from women I never even met, but read my story, my journey last time. How they had come to find a peace with God because of what they read in this blog. Then I looked down at the shirt I am currently wearing, the one I received at this year's Relay For Life that says: "Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back" and on the back says: "I AM HOPE!" And I am reminded that others are benefitting from hearing all that God is doing and all the work He is doing in me by healing me, giving me strength, hope, peace. I am reminded that this may not even be about me but by sharing this I may reach someone who doesn't know God and his amazing healing power. My journey as much as my narcisstic side may want to think it is all about me it really is not! Its all about God and His work in me.
I am reminded of those who have come before me. Those who battled and those who won, those who lost but those who gained the ultimate prize of finishing the race and now are rejoicing with God.
Last time I dealt with some things that I did not want to deal with and so was putting off writing again about my journey or even telling anyone about it but God kept convicting me to write and I have rebelled and not done so and have been ashamed that I did not obey and trust in Him. I am not claiming cancer again. I am just stating a fact of where I am at in my journey again. I am not saying that I am not claiming cancer because my faith is strong enough to heal me because my faith has nothing to do with the fact that I have cancer or not. My faith allows me to cope but it is up to God whether I get healing or not and I know my faith is right in Him.
Tomorrow readers I begin my first round of the two rounds of radiation. I ask for prayer that I can withstand this to the best of my ability through Christ. I know it is going to be hard but I pray that I can find my joy and peace again like before.
"For I will restore health to you,
and your wounds I will heal,
declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17
thanks for everything readers and as always
be blessed in Him!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Suriving the Wilderness and Firsts
Lately my life seems to be turned upside and not necessarily in a bad way. I am a 34 year old woman and the thought of my life still experiencing firsts in anything is something I did not think could be possible but alas it is. Whether my life is experiencing firsts because of the Army, because of school, because of my health, my life or whatnot I am in a flux of experiencing first times through it all.
Last week my family went on a mini retreat/vacation. Oh it was wonderful. It was our first time up in a mountain lodge. It was the first time I got a "free" vacation because it was covered through the Army. You see the Army in an attempt to help families deal with the stresses that go along with this lifestyle gives out these Marriage Retreats to allow couples to find their way back to each other. I learned a lot not only about myself but about my marriage in this retreat and even though my husband and I have been blessed to be together in our marriage for the past 13 years we still had a lot to learn about communicating effectively with one another and how to be successful in this thing called love. I laugh because a soldier was there with his family and wife (mind you they all were soldiers with their families) but he worked for the Army newspaper here on post and was not only attending the retreat to learn more about his marriage but was covering the retreat to write about it for the newspaper. My husband and I were the couple there who has been married the longest (aside from the Chaplain that is) and so on our last day there this soldier decided to get our take on the retreat. See if it really was beneficial for a couple who has been married past a decade. First let me stop you there. I find it funny that being married past a decade now a days is a big deal and I think it speaks volumes for our culture now a days but I believe this is another topic for a another blog post. He asked us what it is that we learned the most in this retreat. My husband and I looked at each other and we answered almost simultaneously that we learned about communication. This soldier looked at us like we had lost our minds. How can you possibly be married 13 years and not know how to communicate? Well we explained that we learned how to "better" communicate with one another. This retreat also served to get me out in the real wild for the first time ever. Readers I am not now nor have I ever been a "nature" person. I do not enjoy long hikes through the wilderness, I have never been camping, I do not even enjoy critters of the wild except for on TV or in pictures but here I was up in the mountains and there they were: CRITTERS! Oh my lanta did I almost have nervous breakdowns but in hindsight I am glad I was able to experience this at some point in my life.
We were up there and had gotten released for some family time to enjoy the area and so my husband who was the happiest I had ever seen him up there decides to just take us out driving around. We go through this one street where we see another lodge and what looks to be deer. Later on we find out that they were not deer but Elk. They were so docile and allow you to get within about five feet of them to take pictures. I had never seen this. All my encounters in the past with deer have been that they see humans and take off faster than you can get your smart phone camera out to take a picture. These guys were among people, large crowds of people and as happy as can be. Then we drive a little further down and my oldest daughter mentions that she sees a bear! A BEAR!! That is right. You see when we first checked into the lodge I noticed ALL the decorations were bears, I mean ALL the decorations but never in my wildest dreams would I imagine we would see one, let alone FIVE bears and these too were up close and personal. Oh my fear kicked in full force and my husband and kids decided hey this is a fun way to tease mom! Needless to say I am writing this blog post and so I survived my close encounter with critters in the Wilderness.
Then it is time to drive home. Mind you readers this place is about 2 1/2 hours from where we live here in the massive heat of the desert but on our way home while still fairly high up on the mountain it begins to rain which the rain turns into snow! Snow 2 days before JULY! Never have I experience snow even the slightest amount in the SUMMER. I mean this past winter was my very first snow ever!
We arrive home with only an hour to spare before Relay for Life. How is this surviving Wilderness you might ask? Oh let me tell you. So Relay for Life is about a 12 hour event through the night. The night people! So you are permitted to set up tents and "camp out" per se at the track! I have like I mentioned early never even camped and the thought of putting up a tent, setting one down, or even laying down inside one is something I have never, ever done! I have to be honest, I did not set the tent up. I saw my husband struggling with that thing and was never ever grateful in my life for taking laps around a field like I was this time. Relay for Life was wonderful though. It was not only my first time even participating in the event but my first time participating and being a SURVIVOR. Oh it was beautiful. I was able to talk to other survivors and hear their stories and find encouragement through them. I can see why Relay for Life is done as an over night event where you feel the anguish and despair of the night creeping along and the tiredness you feel as you are there and even though some could sleep through a portion of it for someone like me it was not a possibility. I could not sleep because of all the lights up in the track, all the noise going around whether it was the DJ, the music or even the talking, I could not sleep due to the immense heat outside and the hard floor but it was an experience I am surely never going to forget and already know I plan to do this every year until they find a way to end this miserable thing called CANCER. My son, my 9 year old son, impressed me beyond words when he not only stayed up all night but he decided to walk the track and walked/ran 6 whole miles! It made my heart soar to see him and my husband actively participating in something that meant so much to me. My daughters blew me away too by actively taking over watching all the little ones and entertaining them so the grown ups did not have to worry about them. Writing this and remembering all my family did for me that night is actually making me cry because it showed how much they care about something that I care so much about.
I do have another first that has happened and that I have kept to myself but I will continue to keep to myself for the time being until I sit down and disclose it to some of my really close friends here first. Thank you for reading along with my craziness and I hope you enjoyed my stories.
"I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land." Isaiah 43:19. I like this verse because I am in the desert and I know God is making a way for me and this is why I am experiencing new things, new firsts in my life. Again readers thank you for coming along with me on this ride through my life and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Last week my family went on a mini retreat/vacation. Oh it was wonderful. It was our first time up in a mountain lodge. It was the first time I got a "free" vacation because it was covered through the Army. You see the Army in an attempt to help families deal with the stresses that go along with this lifestyle gives out these Marriage Retreats to allow couples to find their way back to each other. I learned a lot not only about myself but about my marriage in this retreat and even though my husband and I have been blessed to be together in our marriage for the past 13 years we still had a lot to learn about communicating effectively with one another and how to be successful in this thing called love. I laugh because a soldier was there with his family and wife (mind you they all were soldiers with their families) but he worked for the Army newspaper here on post and was not only attending the retreat to learn more about his marriage but was covering the retreat to write about it for the newspaper. My husband and I were the couple there who has been married the longest (aside from the Chaplain that is) and so on our last day there this soldier decided to get our take on the retreat. See if it really was beneficial for a couple who has been married past a decade. First let me stop you there. I find it funny that being married past a decade now a days is a big deal and I think it speaks volumes for our culture now a days but I believe this is another topic for a another blog post. He asked us what it is that we learned the most in this retreat. My husband and I looked at each other and we answered almost simultaneously that we learned about communication. This soldier looked at us like we had lost our minds. How can you possibly be married 13 years and not know how to communicate? Well we explained that we learned how to "better" communicate with one another. This retreat also served to get me out in the real wild for the first time ever. Readers I am not now nor have I ever been a "nature" person. I do not enjoy long hikes through the wilderness, I have never been camping, I do not even enjoy critters of the wild except for on TV or in pictures but here I was up in the mountains and there they were: CRITTERS! Oh my lanta did I almost have nervous breakdowns but in hindsight I am glad I was able to experience this at some point in my life.
We were up there and had gotten released for some family time to enjoy the area and so my husband who was the happiest I had ever seen him up there decides to just take us out driving around. We go through this one street where we see another lodge and what looks to be deer. Later on we find out that they were not deer but Elk. They were so docile and allow you to get within about five feet of them to take pictures. I had never seen this. All my encounters in the past with deer have been that they see humans and take off faster than you can get your smart phone camera out to take a picture. These guys were among people, large crowds of people and as happy as can be. Then we drive a little further down and my oldest daughter mentions that she sees a bear! A BEAR!! That is right. You see when we first checked into the lodge I noticed ALL the decorations were bears, I mean ALL the decorations but never in my wildest dreams would I imagine we would see one, let alone FIVE bears and these too were up close and personal. Oh my fear kicked in full force and my husband and kids decided hey this is a fun way to tease mom! Needless to say I am writing this blog post and so I survived my close encounter with critters in the Wilderness.
Then it is time to drive home. Mind you readers this place is about 2 1/2 hours from where we live here in the massive heat of the desert but on our way home while still fairly high up on the mountain it begins to rain which the rain turns into snow! Snow 2 days before JULY! Never have I experience snow even the slightest amount in the SUMMER. I mean this past winter was my very first snow ever!
We arrive home with only an hour to spare before Relay for Life. How is this surviving Wilderness you might ask? Oh let me tell you. So Relay for Life is about a 12 hour event through the night. The night people! So you are permitted to set up tents and "camp out" per se at the track! I have like I mentioned early never even camped and the thought of putting up a tent, setting one down, or even laying down inside one is something I have never, ever done! I have to be honest, I did not set the tent up. I saw my husband struggling with that thing and was never ever grateful in my life for taking laps around a field like I was this time. Relay for Life was wonderful though. It was not only my first time even participating in the event but my first time participating and being a SURVIVOR. Oh it was beautiful. I was able to talk to other survivors and hear their stories and find encouragement through them. I can see why Relay for Life is done as an over night event where you feel the anguish and despair of the night creeping along and the tiredness you feel as you are there and even though some could sleep through a portion of it for someone like me it was not a possibility. I could not sleep because of all the lights up in the track, all the noise going around whether it was the DJ, the music or even the talking, I could not sleep due to the immense heat outside and the hard floor but it was an experience I am surely never going to forget and already know I plan to do this every year until they find a way to end this miserable thing called CANCER. My son, my 9 year old son, impressed me beyond words when he not only stayed up all night but he decided to walk the track and walked/ran 6 whole miles! It made my heart soar to see him and my husband actively participating in something that meant so much to me. My daughters blew me away too by actively taking over watching all the little ones and entertaining them so the grown ups did not have to worry about them. Writing this and remembering all my family did for me that night is actually making me cry because it showed how much they care about something that I care so much about.
I do have another first that has happened and that I have kept to myself but I will continue to keep to myself for the time being until I sit down and disclose it to some of my really close friends here first. Thank you for reading along with my craziness and I hope you enjoyed my stories.
"I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land." Isaiah 43:19. I like this verse because I am in the desert and I know God is making a way for me and this is why I am experiencing new things, new firsts in my life. Again readers thank you for coming along with me on this ride through my life and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Surviving The Chaos I Call Life
Hi readers. Sorry I seem to lately be so caught up and forget to sit down for a couple of minutes just to be able to get a post out there.
Today is just one of those days and I am sure you all have experienced them where I feel down and out. I hate that I feel down and out because I love being able to just laugh, just smile or even find the humor in places most people forget to look for the humor in life but today I woke up with a sour disposition, my son came and jumped in bed with me like he loves to do and I played with him but it felt forced. It felt forced to play with my 9 year old and that is not something I like! I love seeing him laugh. I love seeing him try to make me laugh or him just cuddle up with me, wrap himself up in my covers and just say: " I love you mommy" but today it was hard.
Have you ever woken up and just the sight of sunshine coming through your window hurt? I mean physically hurt? Hurt your eyes, hurt your head, hurt your body, hurt your bones? Ugh today that is what I woke up to and I have to say I do not like it! I then after about an hour of playing with my son got up and discover that the pug had gotten into my bathroom and the mess he made, well lets just say I felt like turning around, holding it in, and just crawl back in bed under the covers because I was just way to upset but I got down and picked up all the overturned trash, the trash I had begged my husband to take out yesterday because it was trash day (and we only have one trash day a week here) and continued on with my day. But lo and behold what do I find when I get to the living room/dinning room? A mess! A mess that I have no idea why it is there because I left yesterday with my kids to go to the church and help set up for the end of the year party at about 12:30 and didn't return to until I sent them all to bed so why I ask is there a MESS?!?! This time I am not obliged to start cleaning it all up because I am in desperate need of coffee. I need something to erase this funk! So readers I get to the kitchen and one gazillion points to the reader who can tell me what I discovered in the kitchen? Dum, dum, dummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes one gazillion points to the reader who yelled out A MESS! Seriously?!?!?! You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! We didn't even eat dinner here last night! So I just look at the mess and this time strongly consider running away to an abandoned island where no one calls me MOM, Hunny or anything of the sort!
I feel down. I feel defeated and deflated because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do nothing seems enough, nothing seems like there is even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, nothing absolutely nothing feels like it is going my way. I have been trying and working my tail off to enroll my kids in online school for next year and because we are in the grand ole state of Texas and my children have been homeschooled for the past 5 years they will not enroll them AT ALL! New legislation prohibits homeschooled children to enroll in online Public School and with the school system and all I have learned about it here in El Paso this past year I refuse to subject my children to that. I know some of you are thinking either I am exaggerating or I am too paranoid but I promise you I am not. There is only one school I would be willing to enroll my kids in and I submitted applications for them but they are on a wait list so I am now just waiting and seeing. Waiting and seeing.... boy is that the story of my life.
Then comes the fact that financially we are struggling and even though I may have nice things in my house people assume we are ok but we are not. It is just that I have had them for a while or with the income tax we have acquired them and believe it or not we have had our fair share of trips to the pawn shop just to be able to put food on the table every month. I have been looking but what kind of work is ok to do when you are a homeschool mom? Its hard. Then the hubby offered to get a small part time on the weekends but how would that work when he is in the Army? I mean for one we will never see him and I really do not want money to be the reason my marriage suffers, two what if he has to go out on a mission or when they go out into the field for 30 days or worse deploys? And three I feel I should be the one working even if it is part time. He is the one with the full time job so why can't I contribute too but getting a job is NOT easy! I have looked, I have searched and even though I am bilingual guess what? I do not get the jobs I apply for!
I know readers I am here throwing my own little pity party and I am sorry but if you choose to read on I will gladly have the violinist play you your favorite saddest song and give you a party hat as well. LOL No readers I am just not used to feeling like this. I have always been optimistic, the glass is half full, looking for the silver lining, and trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I really feel down, I feel depressed and I hate this feeling. Each of these setbacks in life is not earth shattering, heart breaking or soul ripping as I feel but together they make me feel like I am drowning in a sea of despair. Then I realize how wrong I am. We have a family in our church really going through hard times and I feel selfish, petty, and down right wrong for having this pity party myself but I can not shake this feeling of just utter despair. I need to find my happiness, I need to find my comfort and I know he is out there and just because I feel this way does not mean I do not know that my God is not there for me I know this is on me. This feeling is on me because I know my rock, my comfort is there to hold me when I feel weak and I need to allow myself to fall at his feet and tell him I am done and I need you now more then ever before and I have but I have to face that all things happen for a reason and according to His will and not mine. There is a reason my children are not being allowed enrollment in to the online schools and I know God will reveal it to me in his time, I know there is a reason for the financial hardship and He will see us through it in His time, I know there is even a reason behind the chaos that is my house, my life, my family and for the most part I relish the chaos because it is who I am but right now I need peace and I need understanding that only can come from the Lord. I need His strength in my life.
A friend of mine said last night that she chooses to not be perfect and I know to most that does not sound 100% right or logical but I totally see the reasoning behind those words. If we are perfect than why would we need a God and I for one especially today, need a God. I need to know that I am broken, I need to know that I am what my daughter calls a HOT MESS because I need Him to pick me up, I need Him to hold me and right now I need Him to tell me everything is gonna be alright and that He will see us through it all.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
Readers thanks for reading along with me and my pity party this time. I pray next post I can find the humor and share some funny stories like I love to do.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Today is just one of those days and I am sure you all have experienced them where I feel down and out. I hate that I feel down and out because I love being able to just laugh, just smile or even find the humor in places most people forget to look for the humor in life but today I woke up with a sour disposition, my son came and jumped in bed with me like he loves to do and I played with him but it felt forced. It felt forced to play with my 9 year old and that is not something I like! I love seeing him laugh. I love seeing him try to make me laugh or him just cuddle up with me, wrap himself up in my covers and just say: " I love you mommy" but today it was hard.
Have you ever woken up and just the sight of sunshine coming through your window hurt? I mean physically hurt? Hurt your eyes, hurt your head, hurt your body, hurt your bones? Ugh today that is what I woke up to and I have to say I do not like it! I then after about an hour of playing with my son got up and discover that the pug had gotten into my bathroom and the mess he made, well lets just say I felt like turning around, holding it in, and just crawl back in bed under the covers because I was just way to upset but I got down and picked up all the overturned trash, the trash I had begged my husband to take out yesterday because it was trash day (and we only have one trash day a week here) and continued on with my day. But lo and behold what do I find when I get to the living room/dinning room? A mess! A mess that I have no idea why it is there because I left yesterday with my kids to go to the church and help set up for the end of the year party at about 12:30 and didn't return to until I sent them all to bed so why I ask is there a MESS?!?! This time I am not obliged to start cleaning it all up because I am in desperate need of coffee. I need something to erase this funk! So readers I get to the kitchen and one gazillion points to the reader who can tell me what I discovered in the kitchen? Dum, dum, dummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes one gazillion points to the reader who yelled out A MESS! Seriously?!?!?! You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! We didn't even eat dinner here last night! So I just look at the mess and this time strongly consider running away to an abandoned island where no one calls me MOM, Hunny or anything of the sort!
I feel down. I feel defeated and deflated because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do nothing seems enough, nothing seems like there is even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, nothing absolutely nothing feels like it is going my way. I have been trying and working my tail off to enroll my kids in online school for next year and because we are in the grand ole state of Texas and my children have been homeschooled for the past 5 years they will not enroll them AT ALL! New legislation prohibits homeschooled children to enroll in online Public School and with the school system and all I have learned about it here in El Paso this past year I refuse to subject my children to that. I know some of you are thinking either I am exaggerating or I am too paranoid but I promise you I am not. There is only one school I would be willing to enroll my kids in and I submitted applications for them but they are on a wait list so I am now just waiting and seeing. Waiting and seeing.... boy is that the story of my life.
Then comes the fact that financially we are struggling and even though I may have nice things in my house people assume we are ok but we are not. It is just that I have had them for a while or with the income tax we have acquired them and believe it or not we have had our fair share of trips to the pawn shop just to be able to put food on the table every month. I have been looking but what kind of work is ok to do when you are a homeschool mom? Its hard. Then the hubby offered to get a small part time on the weekends but how would that work when he is in the Army? I mean for one we will never see him and I really do not want money to be the reason my marriage suffers, two what if he has to go out on a mission or when they go out into the field for 30 days or worse deploys? And three I feel I should be the one working even if it is part time. He is the one with the full time job so why can't I contribute too but getting a job is NOT easy! I have looked, I have searched and even though I am bilingual guess what? I do not get the jobs I apply for!
I know readers I am here throwing my own little pity party and I am sorry but if you choose to read on I will gladly have the violinist play you your favorite saddest song and give you a party hat as well. LOL No readers I am just not used to feeling like this. I have always been optimistic, the glass is half full, looking for the silver lining, and trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I really feel down, I feel depressed and I hate this feeling. Each of these setbacks in life is not earth shattering, heart breaking or soul ripping as I feel but together they make me feel like I am drowning in a sea of despair. Then I realize how wrong I am. We have a family in our church really going through hard times and I feel selfish, petty, and down right wrong for having this pity party myself but I can not shake this feeling of just utter despair. I need to find my happiness, I need to find my comfort and I know he is out there and just because I feel this way does not mean I do not know that my God is not there for me I know this is on me. This feeling is on me because I know my rock, my comfort is there to hold me when I feel weak and I need to allow myself to fall at his feet and tell him I am done and I need you now more then ever before and I have but I have to face that all things happen for a reason and according to His will and not mine. There is a reason my children are not being allowed enrollment in to the online schools and I know God will reveal it to me in his time, I know there is a reason for the financial hardship and He will see us through it in His time, I know there is even a reason behind the chaos that is my house, my life, my family and for the most part I relish the chaos because it is who I am but right now I need peace and I need understanding that only can come from the Lord. I need His strength in my life.
A friend of mine said last night that she chooses to not be perfect and I know to most that does not sound 100% right or logical but I totally see the reasoning behind those words. If we are perfect than why would we need a God and I for one especially today, need a God. I need to know that I am broken, I need to know that I am what my daughter calls a HOT MESS because I need Him to pick me up, I need Him to hold me and right now I need Him to tell me everything is gonna be alright and that He will see us through it all.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
Readers thanks for reading along with me and my pity party this time. I pray next post I can find the humor and share some funny stories like I love to do.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Learning to Survive Learning New Things
Four weeks since surgery and all I can say is that life has been busy!! Surviving lately entails so much. I am trying to survive being a homemaker even though I can not do everything yet like before. I started cooking again since my husband was so good to attempt working full-time, dealing with a wife on "bed rest" and put those in quotations because I hated staying still and dealing with three kids, and three dogs. I am sure half the time he felt more like everyone was telling him this:
LOL poor guy but he was a trooper and he did the job even if it was doing it in his own method instead of the way mom usually does. I had to learn that even though things were not done the way I wanted them to be done, when I wanted them to be done and how I wanted them done they were getting done and that is all that matters. Who would have thought that having surgery, removing cancer, could teach you a lesson like this? Oh readers but it sure did.
Another lesson I learned during my supposed "bed rest" time was that unfortunately my children needed to be reminded constantly of their responsibilities. Readers I did not realize that my children seem to need me to remind them of the smallest, most trivial things in life. They can remember all the characters in Batman Comics Series, they can remember every lyric to their favorite song, and they can remember the names to every Skylander ever made but they do not remember to go eat a sandwich for lunch! How is that possible?!?! I am now going to take this time this summer and work on getting my children to learn responsibility without mom telling them what to do and when to do it. Readers before this surgery a part of me was scared. Something I never fully admitted to. I was scared that things would not go ok. I was scared that I left that morning to have the surgery and did not get to talk to my children before hand and tell them I love them or anything like that. I have learned that life is not guaranteed and that every single second counts so I want to take this time and teach my children how to survive in this world because mom won't always be there. But thinking about all this makes me remember a funny video. Let me share it with you right now.
Lord I am here worried that I have to remind my kids to eat!! I guess that is just a normal mom emotion. There is also homeschooling. Oh readers homeschooling has always been a joy for me. Really readers it has! I'm really not making that up. Stop laughing!! OK it may not have always been a joy but it always has been rewarding. I love teaching. I love learning about what I am going to teach them and I love absolutely love seeing that look in their eyes when they finally figured something out. Something that was puzzling them or something that they have a passion for but something happened this year for us. Well a lot of somethings happened this year for us and we have fallen behind. This school year has met us with trials, with issues that we have never faced and therefore we struggled through. The beginning of our school year we were dealing with not only being in a new place where we barely knew anyone and had no roots here to also dealing with daddy being deployed.
Saying goodbye was hard! My daughter had to celebrate her 12th birthday away from daddy, I had to celebrate my birthday for a second year in a row without my husband because the previous year was when he enlisted, my son celebrated his 9th birthday without daddy just like his 8th birthday as well. We also had issues with car problems, we had issues with neighbors, we had our very first company and holidays completely living the Army life, daddy came home early but issues with redeployment were still rough, after the holidays I decided to get myself checked out and discovered the tumor and had to be put on medication before the surgery, then we had the surgery and now we are where we are. Through it all we attempted homeschooling but somewhere in the mix the routine and the structure went out the window so I have decided that for next school year the kids will be more regimented and will be doing online Public School in hopes of getting them completely back on track. Lessons, lessons, lessons!
One would think that having cancer and surgery was enough but I guess not! LOL its ok because I know that my God would not be giving me these lessons to learn if I were not 1. meant to learn them and 2. capable of learning them. A good friend of mine the other day was talking about a book that read called Sun Stand Still.
This book talks about having audacious faith to ask God for what you believe to be impossible. You see for us there is so many things that seem to be impossible because we are mere humans without the ability to make our dreams, our hopes come into reality but we need to see that God can do all things. Doesn't the word tell us in Phillipians: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". 4:13. See here how the passage says that I can do all things but it does not state that we can do all things on our own. It does not state that we can do it through our own strength or through our own ability but we can do ALL things through Christ. When we took that step towards God and took that leap of faith saying: "I believe that Jesus was is the one and only son of God, that He came to earth to be born of a virgin, that He and He alone lived a sinless, pure life, and He died on the cross taking on the sins of the world so that we could be saved. He rose from the dead of His own power and ascended to the throne" than you have been given a power. You have been given the ability to call on His power to strengthen you. I have decided to begin something. I have decided to have the audacious faith like Joshua who asked God to allow the sun to stand still and not set for a full day so Israel can defeat its enemies. The purpose of this book is to ask what would you ask for if you truly believed that God will grant you your impossible. Well I do not want to post right now what I am asking God for. I want to pray on it, I want to spend time in the Word and with Him and I will be asking for my impossible right now. I do have a prayer request but do not feel called at the moment to fully share it but I promise you readers that when my request is answered because I am claiming it, I am having the audacious faith to believe that I will be given what I am asking for I will post praising God about getting my request fulfilled.
Readers I hope you have a blessed and glorious day and that you realize that you too can have the faith that Joshua had, that you can have the faith that will make your impossible a reality. And as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Another lesson I learned during my supposed "bed rest" time was that unfortunately my children needed to be reminded constantly of their responsibilities. Readers I did not realize that my children seem to need me to remind them of the smallest, most trivial things in life. They can remember all the characters in Batman Comics Series, they can remember every lyric to their favorite song, and they can remember the names to every Skylander ever made but they do not remember to go eat a sandwich for lunch! How is that possible?!?! I am now going to take this time this summer and work on getting my children to learn responsibility without mom telling them what to do and when to do it. Readers before this surgery a part of me was scared. Something I never fully admitted to. I was scared that things would not go ok. I was scared that I left that morning to have the surgery and did not get to talk to my children before hand and tell them I love them or anything like that. I have learned that life is not guaranteed and that every single second counts so I want to take this time and teach my children how to survive in this world because mom won't always be there. But thinking about all this makes me remember a funny video. Let me share it with you right now.
One would think that having cancer and surgery was enough but I guess not! LOL its ok because I know that my God would not be giving me these lessons to learn if I were not 1. meant to learn them and 2. capable of learning them. A good friend of mine the other day was talking about a book that read called Sun Stand Still.
Readers I hope you have a blessed and glorious day and that you realize that you too can have the faith that Joshua had, that you can have the faith that will make your impossible a reality. And as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
I'm BACK!!!!!!!!
Hello Readers! I am coming to you writing from my now daughter's laptop, while lying in bed, and for the best part of all I am feeling like my old self again. I want to say I am completely cancer free and while I am claiming that in the name of Jesus I am still awaiting for my post op appointment that will take a good amount of time to arrive to fully find out. Oh readers I can not begin to express the happiness I feel. Yes I am on bed rest for the next 3 weeks and yes I am still feeling pain from the surgery but thankfully it is not as bad as it was when I first came home but I am happy because for the first time in about 2 months or so I feel like my old self is coming back. I am not on hormones anymore, I am not on a cocktail of meds which makes me either loopy or sick to my stomach, I am no longer feeling like I am on slow motion in a world that is at full speed and most importantly I found my smile again. I missed my smile. The worst part is that even though my laugh wants to come back full force for those who know me personally know that having my laugh back is right now painful. I laugh and my whole body shakes, I laugh from deep down inside and with a stomach with four holes in it and stitches still that is not a good combo.
So let me tell you all my latest adventure with the doctors and I hope to get a smile or giggle or even a laugh out of you guys. OK so I was told to be at the hospital to check in at Anesthesia at 0530 (like my use of military time? LOL) but I also had to before that go to administration to check in for my surgery. So the night before I did not sleep due to not only my nerves but the medications before surgery and so I arrive at the hospital at 0500 to give us enough time to find parking, to get checked in, and be at Anesthesia (which last time I went there for the pre-op appointment I was there for 5 1/2 hours) and set up in time for surgery. Needless to say with my luck my husband right away finds parking right next to the third floor entrance that we had to go into for administration. We go and check in and it took us not even 5 minutes so now I arrive at Anesthesia at 0510 which is 20 minutes earlier than what I was supposed to be there and let me tell you something, the military does not like you showing up late to an appointment and they do not like you showing up early either! We get to the sixth floor too early for the surgery and they were not even open! My hubby and I sat there in the waiting room for about 20 minutes until they opened. Now we have the nurse call us back and we check in with them and they put us in this room with two recliners and ask me to change into my hospital attire and give me the bad news! They need to draw more blood, I say more blood because the pre-op appointment I was at that lasted 5 1/2 hours they had to draw blood and they did not draw all that they needed to, I also say bad news because I have tiny, hidden deep veins and drawing blood is ALWAYS hard to do on me. Now I have this Leuitenant trying to find non-existentant veins on me for pre-surgery blood work. It took two sticks and about 15 minutes to get two lousy tubes of blood. Then I wait and I wait and I wait. Around 0800 is when they come to get me saying they are ready for me. I walk down the hall to the elevator and go down from the 6th floor to the 4th floor. I did not think I would be walking once I was there and walking while in my hospital attire. Not very pleasant. I get to the 4th floor and get put in a make-shift room (the size of a gurney and a small computer) where I am asked to now to lie down and get fully prepped for surgery by Anesthesia. I am extremely claustrophobic and in this makeshift room is my husband, my two surgeons, the two anesthisiologist, and myself. Not a pleasant feeling until they placed the IV in and told me they were giving me something in the IV to calm me down. Something to make it feel like I have had a couple of cocktails, mind you I don't drink so I know I am an underweight when it comes to having any cocktails/meds in me. I wonder why they thought they needed to calm me down. Maybe it was the fact that I was anxious about having major surgery and that I knew I was having this surgery because of cancer, maybe it was the fact that I was anxious being in such an enclosed space due to being claustrophobic, or maybe, just maybe it was the fact that the anesthiesiologist that was administering the meds looked like Doogie Howser and looked like he was not old enough to drive let alone be old enough to administer meds that would knock me out so two other people can cut into me! Who knows but after they administered the Happy Hour meds I was happy go lucky! Woo-hoo!! I could care less that I was in a matchbox size room, I could care less that I had cancer or needed surgery, I could care less that Doogie Howser was in there asking me questions and talking about knocking me out! I was happy! Apparently I was so giggly that my own doctor, my surgeon, wanted to make sure I knew what was happening. She asked me now tell me what it is that you are having done. Readers a part of me felt like messing with her at that point but I do not know why I did not. In my head I was saying I am having a tummy tuck, lipo and a breast augmentation just to see what she would say when I said that but for some reason I said apparently with a huge smile on my face, I am having a hysterectomy. She said good and asked and what are we taking out? Again I wanted to tease her but who knows maybe the happy meds have like a truth serum in them because as much as I wanted to joke around all I could say again with my big smile and giggling I told her you are removing my uterus and my cervix. Man I would have loved to mess with her though! I wanted to really have a funny story for you readers about telling my doctor that I was having some absurd surgery and seeing her jaw drop but I couldn't. I feel like I have failed you all my readers.... LOL
Now its time for the surgery. I have no idea what time I went in to surgery. All I remember is them telling me they are rolling me into surgery and Doogie Howser taking out several syringes and calling them his bag of tricks when I get to the hall I see one doctor who says wow someone looks happy and all I can gather is that I had a smile as big as the Cheshire Cat and I looked to the side to see a see of doctor scrubs when all of a sudden I remember nothing else. I do not remember being rolled into the OR I do not remember anything else. THEY PUT ME TO SLEEP IN A HALLWAY! What is that?!?!
Next thing I do remember is waking up to my husband smiling at me. Oh I love his smile and I remember thinking when am I having the surgery. Then the pain kicked in. The sweet male nurse in recovery gave me a magic little machine with a button to push everytime I felt I need a magical substance called MORPHINE! Oh it was wonderful. My husband stayed with me for God only knows how long before leaving to pick my mother up at the airport. All I remember is him and the male nurse who honestly I could not pick out of a line up if my life depended on it telling me if I felt pain (apparently I kept moaning in pain) to press the button because I was the only one allowed to press it. Oh the power!! LOL. Then they moved me from the 4th floor up to the 7th floor to my room. At first they told my husband that I was going to have my own room which would have been nice. But apparently I am guessing there were no single rooms available and I was put in a room with 4 other women. That's right readers 4 OTHER WOMEN! Oh my lanta! I learned that in a show I was watching recently and found it to be so funny! I did not rest at all. I had asked everyone to allow me to rest that first day of my surgery and asked that visitors did not come to the hospital but I should have allowed it because these other women did not let me rest! But that is a totally different story. I spent that day in pain because about 2-3 hours after the surgery they removed the magic machine with the magic button and then I spent the day trying to sleep. I slept but kept getting woken up by my roomates.
The next day as I waited for my husband and mother to come I was scolded by my nurse for not getting up and walking. So I was there walking the 7th floor with my Lueitenant nurse for two rounds. Not fun! I was asked if I wanted to try and stay a second night in the hospital and after much, much consideration I declined and decided to go home thinking I would be more comfortable and more relaxed at home. I think that was the best choice I made.
Now I have been home on bed rest for a little over a week. Still have three more to go and can not wait to get off the bed rest. I am so thankful and grateful that God pulled me through this time and I am now feeling his healing. "For with God nothing will be impossible" Luke 1:37. God brought me through. He healed me, He blessed me, He did it all! Thanks for many prayers readers. I know the prayers of all is what brought me through this time of my need.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
So let me tell you all my latest adventure with the doctors and I hope to get a smile or giggle or even a laugh out of you guys. OK so I was told to be at the hospital to check in at Anesthesia at 0530 (like my use of military time? LOL) but I also had to before that go to administration to check in for my surgery. So the night before I did not sleep due to not only my nerves but the medications before surgery and so I arrive at the hospital at 0500 to give us enough time to find parking, to get checked in, and be at Anesthesia (which last time I went there for the pre-op appointment I was there for 5 1/2 hours) and set up in time for surgery. Needless to say with my luck my husband right away finds parking right next to the third floor entrance that we had to go into for administration. We go and check in and it took us not even 5 minutes so now I arrive at Anesthesia at 0510 which is 20 minutes earlier than what I was supposed to be there and let me tell you something, the military does not like you showing up late to an appointment and they do not like you showing up early either! We get to the sixth floor too early for the surgery and they were not even open! My hubby and I sat there in the waiting room for about 20 minutes until they opened. Now we have the nurse call us back and we check in with them and they put us in this room with two recliners and ask me to change into my hospital attire and give me the bad news! They need to draw more blood, I say more blood because the pre-op appointment I was at that lasted 5 1/2 hours they had to draw blood and they did not draw all that they needed to, I also say bad news because I have tiny, hidden deep veins and drawing blood is ALWAYS hard to do on me. Now I have this Leuitenant trying to find non-existentant veins on me for pre-surgery blood work. It took two sticks and about 15 minutes to get two lousy tubes of blood. Then I wait and I wait and I wait. Around 0800 is when they come to get me saying they are ready for me. I walk down the hall to the elevator and go down from the 6th floor to the 4th floor. I did not think I would be walking once I was there and walking while in my hospital attire. Not very pleasant. I get to the 4th floor and get put in a make-shift room (the size of a gurney and a small computer) where I am asked to now to lie down and get fully prepped for surgery by Anesthesia. I am extremely claustrophobic and in this makeshift room is my husband, my two surgeons, the two anesthisiologist, and myself. Not a pleasant feeling until they placed the IV in and told me they were giving me something in the IV to calm me down. Something to make it feel like I have had a couple of cocktails, mind you I don't drink so I know I am an underweight when it comes to having any cocktails/meds in me. I wonder why they thought they needed to calm me down. Maybe it was the fact that I was anxious about having major surgery and that I knew I was having this surgery because of cancer, maybe it was the fact that I was anxious being in such an enclosed space due to being claustrophobic, or maybe, just maybe it was the fact that the anesthiesiologist that was administering the meds looked like Doogie Howser and looked like he was not old enough to drive let alone be old enough to administer meds that would knock me out so two other people can cut into me! Who knows but after they administered the Happy Hour meds I was happy go lucky! Woo-hoo!! I could care less that I was in a matchbox size room, I could care less that I had cancer or needed surgery, I could care less that Doogie Howser was in there asking me questions and talking about knocking me out! I was happy! Apparently I was so giggly that my own doctor, my surgeon, wanted to make sure I knew what was happening. She asked me now tell me what it is that you are having done. Readers a part of me felt like messing with her at that point but I do not know why I did not. In my head I was saying I am having a tummy tuck, lipo and a breast augmentation just to see what she would say when I said that but for some reason I said apparently with a huge smile on my face, I am having a hysterectomy. She said good and asked and what are we taking out? Again I wanted to tease her but who knows maybe the happy meds have like a truth serum in them because as much as I wanted to joke around all I could say again with my big smile and giggling I told her you are removing my uterus and my cervix. Man I would have loved to mess with her though! I wanted to really have a funny story for you readers about telling my doctor that I was having some absurd surgery and seeing her jaw drop but I couldn't. I feel like I have failed you all my readers.... LOL
Now its time for the surgery. I have no idea what time I went in to surgery. All I remember is them telling me they are rolling me into surgery and Doogie Howser taking out several syringes and calling them his bag of tricks when I get to the hall I see one doctor who says wow someone looks happy and all I can gather is that I had a smile as big as the Cheshire Cat and I looked to the side to see a see of doctor scrubs when all of a sudden I remember nothing else. I do not remember being rolled into the OR I do not remember anything else. THEY PUT ME TO SLEEP IN A HALLWAY! What is that?!?!
Next thing I do remember is waking up to my husband smiling at me. Oh I love his smile and I remember thinking when am I having the surgery. Then the pain kicked in. The sweet male nurse in recovery gave me a magic little machine with a button to push everytime I felt I need a magical substance called MORPHINE! Oh it was wonderful. My husband stayed with me for God only knows how long before leaving to pick my mother up at the airport. All I remember is him and the male nurse who honestly I could not pick out of a line up if my life depended on it telling me if I felt pain (apparently I kept moaning in pain) to press the button because I was the only one allowed to press it. Oh the power!! LOL. Then they moved me from the 4th floor up to the 7th floor to my room. At first they told my husband that I was going to have my own room which would have been nice. But apparently I am guessing there were no single rooms available and I was put in a room with 4 other women. That's right readers 4 OTHER WOMEN! Oh my lanta! I learned that in a show I was watching recently and found it to be so funny! I did not rest at all. I had asked everyone to allow me to rest that first day of my surgery and asked that visitors did not come to the hospital but I should have allowed it because these other women did not let me rest! But that is a totally different story. I spent that day in pain because about 2-3 hours after the surgery they removed the magic machine with the magic button and then I spent the day trying to sleep. I slept but kept getting woken up by my roomates.
The next day as I waited for my husband and mother to come I was scolded by my nurse for not getting up and walking. So I was there walking the 7th floor with my Lueitenant nurse for two rounds. Not fun! I was asked if I wanted to try and stay a second night in the hospital and after much, much consideration I declined and decided to go home thinking I would be more comfortable and more relaxed at home. I think that was the best choice I made.
Now I have been home on bed rest for a little over a week. Still have three more to go and can not wait to get off the bed rest. I am so thankful and grateful that God pulled me through this time and I am now feeling his healing. "For with God nothing will be impossible" Luke 1:37. God brought me through. He healed me, He blessed me, He did it all! Thanks for many prayers readers. I know the prayers of all is what brought me through this time of my need.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
And The Countdown Begins To The End Of My Anger
Well we are exactly one week away from my surgery. One week and I will be cancer free! One week and all the suffering I have been undergoing with treatment ends. One week and I will hopefully be free of taking hormones. One week and even though I know I will be in pain from the surgery the pain the tumor has caused will be gone, the fear will be gone, the stress will be gone and most importantly the anger will be gone.
Readers I know I started my journey positively and humorously but lately I have not felt either. Lately I have felt anger and I can not truly explain it. I am not angry at anyone, after all it is no ones fault I have cancer, but I have been angry. I know I am on hormones and they have made me a bit crazy, a bit wacky, a bit looney and a whole lot of psycho but I have been angry at my situation and angry at being made to feel inadequate, feel stressed, feel sick, and feel like I have no idea who is this person I see when I look in the mirror. I hate lately that I can not be the woman I know I am. I hate that I have to depend on help and that is not something I take very easily. My oldest daughter has been amazing. She takes such amazing care of her mom when her mom is so sick to her stomach with the hormones, when her mom is cranky, tired and even depressed. She may only be 12 but in just this short amount of time she has grown and she has taken on more responsibility than any 12 year ever should. And even though I am proud of her I am angry about that. I am her mom. The one who should do it all for her. Take care of her. Be there for her and yet she has had to grow up faster than I want her to because mom needs extra help. It angers me!
Than comes my other two children. They are regular kids who love to play, love to laugh, love to fight with one another and I sometimes gets so stressed that its hard to even play with them, laugh or even just be with them. There are days where it is virtually impossible to get up and out of bed and all they want is to come and jump on my bed, and play and laugh but I am so sick I have to kick them out and see the hurt look in their eyes. That angers me as well! I am a mom who loves to play, who loves to have fun, who loves to be with her kids 24/7 and yet I am not able to lately. I feel like I am missing out on all the fun with them. I hate that there are days where they have to come in my room and ask me if I need anything, if I am okay, if they can even come and cuddle with me? I want to be my old self again.
My husband has to pick up the slack lately. He has to be both mom and dad at times but how is that possible when most of the day he is not home because of work? How is is possible when he spent so long away from the kids that he really doesn't know the routine, doesn't know what they are learning in school, what their interest necessarily are? I am not mad at him. He never chose to be away for so long it was his job, his career in the Army that has forced him to be away for such a time frame but its hard. Not to mention that as most of you ladies know when dad has to be in charge dad does not necessarily do things the same way mom does things and mom can and most often will want things done her way, the right way, and they don't get done like that. Right now as I sit here writing this post my husband is stuck in some training class while the kids and I are home. The kids "attempted" to clean and all yet only two rooms in this large house got done. I did all I could but I get so tired so easily, I get sick to my stomach so easily, and too much movement of any kind, even walking, and I am in pain that radiates from my back and abdomen to my legs and feet. I am angry that even my house is in shambles and I can not do anything fully on it. My husband wont be able to get the full time off that I need him to get for my recovery which will lead me to be somehow either doing all for myself on my own or depending on my kids, which I hate to think I have to do that, and that angers me. Again it is no ones fault it just is but the anger is still there because of all of this.
So who am I angry at? Cancer. I am angry that this word even entered my life. I am angry that it has turned my not so picture perfect life and made it feel more and more like a nightmare I haven't been able to wake up from. I'm angry its taken over my life, even if I try to hide the fact that it does, and the life of those I love. I am just angry! I never thought as a Christian I could, correction, should be an angry person but I am. I just can not allow the anger to control me and so I pray each and every day that God gives me the strength to overcome this anger. I ask that each and everyone of you reading my blog could pray that my anger towards this go away. I ask that you please pray that I can find the peace soon. I pray that once I am cancer free and fully healed I can be back to my lighthearted ways and that I can once again find God's peace, God's joy and God's comfort in my life again.
I am not sure if I will make another post before my surgery. Even typing this up really is difficult because not only is my area where I sit to write my posts not the most comfortable but sitting with my feet down for too long hurts my back, and swells my legs up but just taking the energy to write is a lot on me right now. If I do not write a post before my surgery please continue to hold me in your prayers.
And as always....
Be Blessed in HIM!
Readers I know I started my journey positively and humorously but lately I have not felt either. Lately I have felt anger and I can not truly explain it. I am not angry at anyone, after all it is no ones fault I have cancer, but I have been angry. I know I am on hormones and they have made me a bit crazy, a bit wacky, a bit looney and a whole lot of psycho but I have been angry at my situation and angry at being made to feel inadequate, feel stressed, feel sick, and feel like I have no idea who is this person I see when I look in the mirror. I hate lately that I can not be the woman I know I am. I hate that I have to depend on help and that is not something I take very easily. My oldest daughter has been amazing. She takes such amazing care of her mom when her mom is so sick to her stomach with the hormones, when her mom is cranky, tired and even depressed. She may only be 12 but in just this short amount of time she has grown and she has taken on more responsibility than any 12 year ever should. And even though I am proud of her I am angry about that. I am her mom. The one who should do it all for her. Take care of her. Be there for her and yet she has had to grow up faster than I want her to because mom needs extra help. It angers me!
Than comes my other two children. They are regular kids who love to play, love to laugh, love to fight with one another and I sometimes gets so stressed that its hard to even play with them, laugh or even just be with them. There are days where it is virtually impossible to get up and out of bed and all they want is to come and jump on my bed, and play and laugh but I am so sick I have to kick them out and see the hurt look in their eyes. That angers me as well! I am a mom who loves to play, who loves to have fun, who loves to be with her kids 24/7 and yet I am not able to lately. I feel like I am missing out on all the fun with them. I hate that there are days where they have to come in my room and ask me if I need anything, if I am okay, if they can even come and cuddle with me? I want to be my old self again.
My husband has to pick up the slack lately. He has to be both mom and dad at times but how is that possible when most of the day he is not home because of work? How is is possible when he spent so long away from the kids that he really doesn't know the routine, doesn't know what they are learning in school, what their interest necessarily are? I am not mad at him. He never chose to be away for so long it was his job, his career in the Army that has forced him to be away for such a time frame but its hard. Not to mention that as most of you ladies know when dad has to be in charge dad does not necessarily do things the same way mom does things and mom can and most often will want things done her way, the right way, and they don't get done like that. Right now as I sit here writing this post my husband is stuck in some training class while the kids and I are home. The kids "attempted" to clean and all yet only two rooms in this large house got done. I did all I could but I get so tired so easily, I get sick to my stomach so easily, and too much movement of any kind, even walking, and I am in pain that radiates from my back and abdomen to my legs and feet. I am angry that even my house is in shambles and I can not do anything fully on it. My husband wont be able to get the full time off that I need him to get for my recovery which will lead me to be somehow either doing all for myself on my own or depending on my kids, which I hate to think I have to do that, and that angers me. Again it is no ones fault it just is but the anger is still there because of all of this.
So who am I angry at? Cancer. I am angry that this word even entered my life. I am angry that it has turned my not so picture perfect life and made it feel more and more like a nightmare I haven't been able to wake up from. I'm angry its taken over my life, even if I try to hide the fact that it does, and the life of those I love. I am just angry! I never thought as a Christian I could, correction, should be an angry person but I am. I just can not allow the anger to control me and so I pray each and every day that God gives me the strength to overcome this anger. I ask that each and everyone of you reading my blog could pray that my anger towards this go away. I ask that you please pray that I can find the peace soon. I pray that once I am cancer free and fully healed I can be back to my lighthearted ways and that I can once again find God's peace, God's joy and God's comfort in my life again.
I am not sure if I will make another post before my surgery. Even typing this up really is difficult because not only is my area where I sit to write my posts not the most comfortable but sitting with my feet down for too long hurts my back, and swells my legs up but just taking the energy to write is a lot on me right now. If I do not write a post before my surgery please continue to hold me in your prayers.
And as always....
Be Blessed in HIM!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Confenrences, Hormones and the Flu.... OH MY!
Wow readers it has been a long time since I have posted a blog post and I am sorry about that. For the most part I have either been out of town or I have been sick. Truth be told I am still not feeling well but I wanted to get a blog post in.
I have mixed feelings about last weekend. I went to Dallas for a Youth Leader Conference and can I say it was amazing. YSpalooza was so informative, so enlightening, so educational and can I just say it was downright fun but my mixed emotions come from the fact that I was sick maybe 75% of the time I was there. I hated that my friends and fellow Youth Leaders had to practically take care of me and for a person who does not like to show weakness, for a person who does not like to have to ask for help, for a person who just really needed this time to learn, enjoy and relax I had to be sick through most of it. I am grateful for these amazing woman who selflessly took care of me even when I felt terrible having to have them do so. The car ride over there was 12 hours long. Yes readers you read that right it was 12 hours long! Correction because of my getting sick I think I bumped the time up to about 13 hours having to ask them several times to pull over. Oh but even through it all the car ride was not all bad. I mean we got to really bond with each other after spending all that time in the car, after spending all that time in the hotel room together, after spending all that time together in the conference, the restaurants, heck its a miracle we still like each other instead of being sick of each other after 4 days. We learned so much as well in this conference. We learned how to better guide, instruct and lead our teens, we came back with enthusiasm and we even learned how to be better with our church, our teens and most of all our families. How to give ourselves time for our own families as well. We met other amazing Youth Leaders who became more like mentors in the process. This past weekend was great expect for dealing with the hormones that had me so sick most of the time.
One night during the trip to Dallas I got so sick I spent most of the night running to the restroom because the hormones had me so sick to my stomach that not even water I could hold in. I debated on even continuing to go back to bed each time because I was so tired after a bit but one thought kept running through my head: "What if my friends wake up in the morning and do not see me in my bed, then find me asleep on the bathroom floor they might think they have a friend who is a drug addict and instead of driving me to the conference they might drive me to a Rehab Center instead." The thought of my friends, my church friends, thinking I needed rehab kept giving me the strength to make it back to my bed each and every time I felt too weak to move. Oh my could you imagine the call that would of been made home if they thought I was a drug addict after finding me sprawled on the bathroom floor? "Ummm sorry Pastor but even though she came for a Youth Leader Conference we had to leave Evy behind in Dallas because we believe she might be addicted to crack and she is in a 90 day program." Oh the mortification! I stayed in bed that morning after talking with my friends and explaining to them my intense night of running back and forth from the bed to the bathroom and they were so understanding. They brought me a trash can in case I got sick again and brought me toast, 7 Up, yogurt and such and even placed the "Do Not Disturb" sign so I could finally get some rest. Oh they are so wonderful and I am blessed that I have the privilege to work alongside them in the church. I was better by noon and went to lunch with them (even if I could barely eat anything) and attended the last half of the conference that day even though after playing some of the games I got sick again and ran to the restroom one last time. I had called my doctor who told me to suspend taking the hormones and that she would adjust them for me when I returned to El Paso. Oh readers the joy I felt when she said that. I felt like I was a princess riding around on a purple unicorn spreading pixie dust throughout the land of "No Hormones!" Oh it was beautiful! Seriously readers if you ever have to be on hormones you will have my sympathies but if you ever get the opportunity to get off of hormones you will have congratulations. It feels great being off of them!! But there is one problem to getting off the hormones and that is that your cycle (if you still have them) comes back full force with a vengeance! It is like some baby momma trying to collect her child support from you and she beats you relentlessly until she gets her money! This is what I am facing now and I have to tell you it really, really kicks you where the God Lord split you! And do you know what the cure for this is ladies and gentlemen? Let me share with you: HORMONES! Triple the dosage on the first day, Double the dosage on the second day and back to Single dosages if it stops. If it doesn't repeat that pyramid again! Talk about being sick to your stomach!
Oh but if that is not enough readers try adding the flu to the mix! Ugh! Before I left for Dallas my wonderful kiddos and even my dogs all had the flu! I come back and what do I get readers? That's right, ding, ding, ding! The FLU!! 1 million points to all who answered correctly!! Oh man add triple dosage of hormones, add cramping, add body aches, coughing and now my wonderful Minnie Mouse on helium voice sounds like fog horn mixed with a hacking cough. Seriously readers my poor body feels like it has taken a beating and does not want to keep on ticking. I am just tired, I am worn down and I am just plain exhausted. I thought the worse would come with the surgery and afterwards but the worse seems now.
"He [Jesus] said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34. I take comfort that even though right now I feel like I want to just be wrapped up in a blanket and cared for because I feel so weak I know God is doing that for me right now. He has healed me. Tomorrow we celebrate Easter. We celebrate when Jesus took all our sins, all our sickness, all our sorrows and left them on the cross and tomorrow I will celebrate not only that Jesus died for me, He had a full bodily Resurrection, He saved me and gave me eternal life but that He healed me. I know I am suffering now but my suffering is nothing compared to the suffering He underwent on that cross and I am thankful that He did it all for me. And He did it all for you too readers. Take heart and know that He will be there for you as He is there for me. Loving me, guiding me, caring for me.
Thank you for your continued prayers readers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
I have mixed feelings about last weekend. I went to Dallas for a Youth Leader Conference and can I say it was amazing. YSpalooza was so informative, so enlightening, so educational and can I just say it was downright fun but my mixed emotions come from the fact that I was sick maybe 75% of the time I was there. I hated that my friends and fellow Youth Leaders had to practically take care of me and for a person who does not like to show weakness, for a person who does not like to have to ask for help, for a person who just really needed this time to learn, enjoy and relax I had to be sick through most of it. I am grateful for these amazing woman who selflessly took care of me even when I felt terrible having to have them do so. The car ride over there was 12 hours long. Yes readers you read that right it was 12 hours long! Correction because of my getting sick I think I bumped the time up to about 13 hours having to ask them several times to pull over. Oh but even through it all the car ride was not all bad. I mean we got to really bond with each other after spending all that time in the car, after spending all that time in the hotel room together, after spending all that time together in the conference, the restaurants, heck its a miracle we still like each other instead of being sick of each other after 4 days. We learned so much as well in this conference. We learned how to better guide, instruct and lead our teens, we came back with enthusiasm and we even learned how to be better with our church, our teens and most of all our families. How to give ourselves time for our own families as well. We met other amazing Youth Leaders who became more like mentors in the process. This past weekend was great expect for dealing with the hormones that had me so sick most of the time.
One night during the trip to Dallas I got so sick I spent most of the night running to the restroom because the hormones had me so sick to my stomach that not even water I could hold in. I debated on even continuing to go back to bed each time because I was so tired after a bit but one thought kept running through my head: "What if my friends wake up in the morning and do not see me in my bed, then find me asleep on the bathroom floor they might think they have a friend who is a drug addict and instead of driving me to the conference they might drive me to a Rehab Center instead." The thought of my friends, my church friends, thinking I needed rehab kept giving me the strength to make it back to my bed each and every time I felt too weak to move. Oh my could you imagine the call that would of been made home if they thought I was a drug addict after finding me sprawled on the bathroom floor? "Ummm sorry Pastor but even though she came for a Youth Leader Conference we had to leave Evy behind in Dallas because we believe she might be addicted to crack and she is in a 90 day program." Oh the mortification! I stayed in bed that morning after talking with my friends and explaining to them my intense night of running back and forth from the bed to the bathroom and they were so understanding. They brought me a trash can in case I got sick again and brought me toast, 7 Up, yogurt and such and even placed the "Do Not Disturb" sign so I could finally get some rest. Oh they are so wonderful and I am blessed that I have the privilege to work alongside them in the church. I was better by noon and went to lunch with them (even if I could barely eat anything) and attended the last half of the conference that day even though after playing some of the games I got sick again and ran to the restroom one last time. I had called my doctor who told me to suspend taking the hormones and that she would adjust them for me when I returned to El Paso. Oh readers the joy I felt when she said that. I felt like I was a princess riding around on a purple unicorn spreading pixie dust throughout the land of "No Hormones!" Oh it was beautiful! Seriously readers if you ever have to be on hormones you will have my sympathies but if you ever get the opportunity to get off of hormones you will have congratulations. It feels great being off of them!! But there is one problem to getting off the hormones and that is that your cycle (if you still have them) comes back full force with a vengeance! It is like some baby momma trying to collect her child support from you and she beats you relentlessly until she gets her money! This is what I am facing now and I have to tell you it really, really kicks you where the God Lord split you! And do you know what the cure for this is ladies and gentlemen? Let me share with you: HORMONES! Triple the dosage on the first day, Double the dosage on the second day and back to Single dosages if it stops. If it doesn't repeat that pyramid again! Talk about being sick to your stomach!
Oh but if that is not enough readers try adding the flu to the mix! Ugh! Before I left for Dallas my wonderful kiddos and even my dogs all had the flu! I come back and what do I get readers? That's right, ding, ding, ding! The FLU!! 1 million points to all who answered correctly!! Oh man add triple dosage of hormones, add cramping, add body aches, coughing and now my wonderful Minnie Mouse on helium voice sounds like fog horn mixed with a hacking cough. Seriously readers my poor body feels like it has taken a beating and does not want to keep on ticking. I am just tired, I am worn down and I am just plain exhausted. I thought the worse would come with the surgery and afterwards but the worse seems now.
"He [Jesus] said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34. I take comfort that even though right now I feel like I want to just be wrapped up in a blanket and cared for because I feel so weak I know God is doing that for me right now. He has healed me. Tomorrow we celebrate Easter. We celebrate when Jesus took all our sins, all our sickness, all our sorrows and left them on the cross and tomorrow I will celebrate not only that Jesus died for me, He had a full bodily Resurrection, He saved me and gave me eternal life but that He healed me. I know I am suffering now but my suffering is nothing compared to the suffering He underwent on that cross and I am thankful that He did it all for me. And He did it all for you too readers. Take heart and know that He will be there for you as He is there for me. Loving me, guiding me, caring for me.
Thank you for your continued prayers readers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Life As A Mom Doesn't Stop When You Are Sick
I have been a mom for almost 13 years now. I should know this concept by now but for some reason whether its my stubbornness, my inability to learn this subject or my pig headiness I still have not learned that life will not and does not or wants to revolve around me! How fair is that readers? Its not like I feel like I am asking for much. All I want is for everything to fall right into place and revolve around my needs right now? Is that too much to ask for? Really? It is?! Don't you ever feel like this? I mean I am mom. For the past 13 years my life has had to revolve around these three beautiful children God blessed me with but sometimes I look and I say: "Really? Can't these little "angels" ever see that mom needs her time, mom needs to get better, mom needs five minutes of ME time and mom needs a break?!" Can't they see that readers? Let me save you the time right now and give you the answer. The answer is a resounding "OH HECK NAH!" Not only a no will do it is more of the emphasis you get when you say oh heck nah! Don't get me wrong readers my kids are wonderful and I love them dearly but well life goes on and so does all their stuff. My son is currently now with what seems to be a Spring Weather flu and poor little guy needs mom to take care of his needs. Problem with this is that mom is not feeling well either. Mom is weak, mom is sick and mom can some days find it hard to even lift her head up off the pillows in the morning because when she does the dizziness, the nausea and the just plain weakness kicks in. Then there is school work. For most moms this is not too big of a problem because even though they care deeply about their children's education they have their kids go to school but my kids are homeschooled. For the most part homeschooling works amazing for us but right now homeschooling is not easy. I have to be there to guide my children and right now they are teaching themselves. I am proud that they have this ability but this was never my vision for homeschooling where I was more of a hands off homeschool mom then one of the hands on type ones. I am grateful when we could I was able to get computer programs that would teach my kids what they needed to know but I like, correction I love to teach and by not teaching I feel sometimes I am a failure in this department. Even though my surgery is only a month away my husband and I have decided to enroll the kids next school year in online Public School. This way they get the instruction they need, they get the benefits of public school and they get to still have one on one as well and work at their pace. Wow I just sounded like the commercial they show on the TV but it is so true. My oldest daughter has such a busy life lately and I wish I could just take a break there too but that is not my life it is hers. Problem is her life is my life until she is 18 and out of my house (which I shudder to think of letting go. It is my biggest fear sometimes letting go). My daughter has her own babysitting business and can I say business has been BOOMING for her lately! Problem with business booming is that it booms in my house! LOL I love kids and kids are my life but when you are sick its not easy. Every week she has anywhere from one to three babysitting jobs all done in my home. I am not about to sit back and do nothing though while these kids are in my home so I play with them, I help her care for them, and even feed them. One day we had about 8 kids in this house at a time and I was just starting to feel sick then. Life does not stop readers even when you are sick. Last night was particularly difficult. My daughter is a part of the Civil Air Patrol here and so she had her weekly meeting last night. I do not take her to the meetings because that is something her and her father do together and I am all for that but I had a sick little boy yesterday, both my boy dogs were sick as well by the evening with the girl dog showing signs of starting to feel sick as well and I even thought I did not want to take my meds that I know make me sick to my stomach and weak but I had to take them and was not doing very well. I made dinner because hey you are supposed to feed your family after all and by the time my husband and daughter left there was a mess in my kitchen from all the dinner dishes that I had no energy to do, there was a mess in my living room of the clothes I washed and folded but could not put away because they are for my trip this weekend to Dallas, I will get into that further in my post, and there was pillows, covers and an array of medicines and such all over the place to take care of a sick boy and now three sick dogs. My husband took my daughter to Civil Air Patrol and I was ready to call it quits because I needed a break and did not get one. I was not upset at anyone for getting sick, after all how could I be when no one is to blame? No one asks to get sick but I was cranky to say the least and with the hormones crankiness can be dangerous because one minute I am composed even through the crankiness and the next I am crying because I am so tired and so worn down. My son now was running a fever, coughing and with a throat that hurt so bad that when he swallowed he was in tears but mixed with his ADHD and he could not sit still so I could not sit still because I was constantly trying to convince him to come back to the couch and lie down or go to his bed and lie down. The puppy on the other hand felt so sick yesterday all he wanted to do was lie down and that had me worried too. Needless to say today the puppy is running a muck all over the house and is playful because he is finally at the end stage of his cold while the other two are at the beginning of theirs. By the time my daughter and husband arrive at almost 9 pm (I have a feeling my husband stays back talking since every week they come home just a tad bit later than the week before and he loves all this military stuff and aviation stuff) I was a mess. I just finished watching my show and went straight to bed lasting only 5 minutes awake before crashing until this morning. Life doesn't stop even when we are sick!
Now for my Dallas trip. I am so excited and even nervous about this trip. I get to go with two amazing woman that I know I will enjoy every minute with but I am nervous because of my condition. This trip is for a convention for Youth Leaders and this is a field I am passionate about. So passionate that I am studying to lead Youth in Christian Education. Youth Ministry is my passion. But here is why I am so nervous right now. I can not remember when I got a break from being mom, from being wife, from being the house keeper, cook, nanny and butler all at the same time and I know even though this trip is about learning strategies to help with Youth it is essentially a break from the mundane of my every day life BUT I am sick. Not contagious sick or anything but I am weak, I am nauseous with these meds and I even get dizzy and thinking about all that gets me nervous. I do not want my friends to think that they have to go and take care of me at this conference and all so I have been praying and praying harder than I ever have before to be OK at the conference. I do notice when I am entertained I feel I don't concentrate on feeling sick so in this sense it is good that life doesn't stop when you are sick because the entertainment value helps me.
I have to learn to focus on the fact that even though I may not feel great at all times and I feel like I can't do it all at all times that I have someone I can lean on to help me through it all. I know I have amazing friends that tell me to tell them when I am not feeling well but that is just not me or even in my nature so I do not think to call anyone. My big head thinks I am Super Woman and that I can do it all. But that is not how it really is. I need help. Not always the help a friend can give me but help I know my God can give me because He and He alone can allow me to know that I can do all things because He gives me the strength to overcome all the obstacles this life refuses to stop throwing my way. Oh in the book of Matthew there is a passage for such times as this. Allow me to share them with you readers. It says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. Here we see what we are to do. We are to take it all to God. He will give us the rest we need. He will be the one to make life slow down enough for us to be able to withstand. When He tells us to take on his yoke for his burden is light it is because He and He alone can give us peace, give us strength, give us hope to withstand it all. Take heart readers and know that even though life doesn't just stop when we are sick, when we are tired, when we are overwhelmed we can lay at all at the cross and allow our God to withstand it all for us.
Thanks for reading along with me and for your continued prayers in my life and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Now for my Dallas trip. I am so excited and even nervous about this trip. I get to go with two amazing woman that I know I will enjoy every minute with but I am nervous because of my condition. This trip is for a convention for Youth Leaders and this is a field I am passionate about. So passionate that I am studying to lead Youth in Christian Education. Youth Ministry is my passion. But here is why I am so nervous right now. I can not remember when I got a break from being mom, from being wife, from being the house keeper, cook, nanny and butler all at the same time and I know even though this trip is about learning strategies to help with Youth it is essentially a break from the mundane of my every day life BUT I am sick. Not contagious sick or anything but I am weak, I am nauseous with these meds and I even get dizzy and thinking about all that gets me nervous. I do not want my friends to think that they have to go and take care of me at this conference and all so I have been praying and praying harder than I ever have before to be OK at the conference. I do notice when I am entertained I feel I don't concentrate on feeling sick so in this sense it is good that life doesn't stop when you are sick because the entertainment value helps me.
I have to learn to focus on the fact that even though I may not feel great at all times and I feel like I can't do it all at all times that I have someone I can lean on to help me through it all. I know I have amazing friends that tell me to tell them when I am not feeling well but that is just not me or even in my nature so I do not think to call anyone. My big head thinks I am Super Woman and that I can do it all. But that is not how it really is. I need help. Not always the help a friend can give me but help I know my God can give me because He and He alone can allow me to know that I can do all things because He gives me the strength to overcome all the obstacles this life refuses to stop throwing my way. Oh in the book of Matthew there is a passage for such times as this. Allow me to share them with you readers. It says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. Here we see what we are to do. We are to take it all to God. He will give us the rest we need. He will be the one to make life slow down enough for us to be able to withstand. When He tells us to take on his yoke for his burden is light it is because He and He alone can give us peace, give us strength, give us hope to withstand it all. Take heart readers and know that even though life doesn't just stop when we are sick, when we are tired, when we are overwhelmed we can lay at all at the cross and allow our God to withstand it all for us.
Thanks for reading along with me and for your continued prayers in my life and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Surviving Treatment
Well readers I am so sorry that I have not posted anything in a couple of days. I went to the doctor on Monday to find out the staging of the tumor and it turns out that I am in Stage 1b of Uterine Cancer (there is a more complicated name for it but it just means Uterine Cancer so that is what I am going to go with. I received my surgery date for April 25th, no chemo and possibly radiation about a month after surgery if need be and for those who know me personally know that I am excited because I get to go to the Youth Leader Conference in Dallas at the end of this month YAY!!
I was however put on a cocktail of medicines to take from now until the surgery. I am on my diabetes medicine that they increased the dosage for now for me to take, I am on a pain med for all the pains I have been getting due to the tumor and I am on hormones. This combination the first day got me all loopy in the head. I mean I turned into a tween who would hear the word BUT and would start giggling uncontrollably because I thought they said BUTT. My kids could not stop laughing at me and kept trying to reenact the scene from Despicable Me where the minions are photo copying their butts and are laughing so hard. Here let me share my giggle with you:
Well I started the meds on Monday and had just a giggle fest and then went to dinner at a wonderful friends house which I was so grateful for her inviting us to her house for dinner because I really was not in the right frame of mind to make dinner since I was so high with my cocktail of meds. I told her how I just might have started cooking dinner with no clothes on since I was so high and with my track record of burning down kitchens I don't think cooking with no clothes on would have been a good thing. Could you imagine the look on the neighbors faces if I burned down my kitchen and running outside with no clothes on. Possibly running out in just my apron? Readers that is not a pretty sight!! So I was so grateful for the dinner invite even if the kids were all over the place and chasing me with a kitten (I'm allergic to cat hair) but it made me laugh so hard I did laugh like those minions in that youtube video. LOL
Yesterday I woke up and took my meds before leaving for co-op with my kids. I get to co-op and start feeling so sick. I lasted at the co-op because I really just love being surrounded by friends but I was not doing well. I finally get home and I am laid up with a messed up stomach and fevers. I have no idea what the fevers have to do with the meds but I do know my stomach is due to the hormones. I laid down in the living room surrounded by my kids and watched TV with them for as long as I could before I fell asleep. I wake up to find only my son "taking care of me" while watching his new favorite show Beyblade. I call to see when my husband would be home with dinner. He is about 40 minutes away and decides to play songs for me on the phone from the radio, sweet I am sure you are all thinking, but when your back is now in knots, your stomach is turning, your head is pounding and you are one second shivering cold and the next sweating with heat you are in no mood to hear Hip Hop music from the 90's! Maybe if he would have played soft sweet, romantic music but it was HIP HOP!! LOL. He gets home and I eat something so I can take my pain medicine and my sugar medicine and go to bed. I am in bed no later than 6:30! I fall asleep fast I do know that but I woke up again around 9 with a mouth that felt like I was eating sand. I needed water and fast but getting up was just not an option. I thank God my husband was getting himself ready to go to bed early and comes in. I ask him for water and then fall right back to sleep as he is telling me all about his PT yesterday. I am sure last night I won NO awards for wife of the year.
This morning I wake up around 7:30 to see what I affectionationatly call my King Tut. My husband sleeps completely wrapped up in his covers and I jumped. You see my husband usually wakes up around 4 to get ready and be at his morning PT by 6 and it was 7:30!! I was so worried because the Army is not someone you just oversleep to and not show up! I wake him up and he tells me that he does not have to be in till 9 thank goodness. He asks me how I am feeling and I tell him ok but once I get up from the bed I realize how wrong I truly am. I am so dizzy, so nauseaous, so weak. This is not good readers. I even allowed him to take the last bit of coffee without fighting. That is not me!! I start my whining and complaining about how I do not want to take these awful pills and he has to put his foot down, readers my husband rarely puts his foot down so this was a shocking thing to me, and tells me I have to take the pills because I need to get better. He then tells our son who is the only one awake to take care of his mom today for him. That was so sweet. So now I am sitting here writing my blog after I took those pills and made a little more coffee and am so grateful to have a man who loves me so much that he will tell me exactly what I do not want to hear so that I can get better not only for me but for him and our kids. My daughter, the oldest, wakes up and comes to check on me, she serves me some coffee, sits and talks with me and even checks me for a fever. Readers I am so blessed with my little family. They love me so much and even though they suffer when mom is sick they do not make me feel bad for needing to take care of me. My daughter even told me "ok when you finish your blog you go and lie down because you are not going to be good to anyone if you don't get any better". I am so blessed readers.
"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her" Proverbs 31:28. This is why I know how blessed I am with my family because they are like this with me.
Readers keep me in your prayers that I can withstand this treatment and thank you in advance for your prayers.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Yesterday I woke up and took my meds before leaving for co-op with my kids. I get to co-op and start feeling so sick. I lasted at the co-op because I really just love being surrounded by friends but I was not doing well. I finally get home and I am laid up with a messed up stomach and fevers. I have no idea what the fevers have to do with the meds but I do know my stomach is due to the hormones. I laid down in the living room surrounded by my kids and watched TV with them for as long as I could before I fell asleep. I wake up to find only my son "taking care of me" while watching his new favorite show Beyblade. I call to see when my husband would be home with dinner. He is about 40 minutes away and decides to play songs for me on the phone from the radio, sweet I am sure you are all thinking, but when your back is now in knots, your stomach is turning, your head is pounding and you are one second shivering cold and the next sweating with heat you are in no mood to hear Hip Hop music from the 90's! Maybe if he would have played soft sweet, romantic music but it was HIP HOP!! LOL. He gets home and I eat something so I can take my pain medicine and my sugar medicine and go to bed. I am in bed no later than 6:30! I fall asleep fast I do know that but I woke up again around 9 with a mouth that felt like I was eating sand. I needed water and fast but getting up was just not an option. I thank God my husband was getting himself ready to go to bed early and comes in. I ask him for water and then fall right back to sleep as he is telling me all about his PT yesterday. I am sure last night I won NO awards for wife of the year.
This morning I wake up around 7:30 to see what I affectionationatly call my King Tut. My husband sleeps completely wrapped up in his covers and I jumped. You see my husband usually wakes up around 4 to get ready and be at his morning PT by 6 and it was 7:30!! I was so worried because the Army is not someone you just oversleep to and not show up! I wake him up and he tells me that he does not have to be in till 9 thank goodness. He asks me how I am feeling and I tell him ok but once I get up from the bed I realize how wrong I truly am. I am so dizzy, so nauseaous, so weak. This is not good readers. I even allowed him to take the last bit of coffee without fighting. That is not me!! I start my whining and complaining about how I do not want to take these awful pills and he has to put his foot down, readers my husband rarely puts his foot down so this was a shocking thing to me, and tells me I have to take the pills because I need to get better. He then tells our son who is the only one awake to take care of his mom today for him. That was so sweet. So now I am sitting here writing my blog after I took those pills and made a little more coffee and am so grateful to have a man who loves me so much that he will tell me exactly what I do not want to hear so that I can get better not only for me but for him and our kids. My daughter, the oldest, wakes up and comes to check on me, she serves me some coffee, sits and talks with me and even checks me for a fever. Readers I am so blessed with my little family. They love me so much and even though they suffer when mom is sick they do not make me feel bad for needing to take care of me. My daughter even told me "ok when you finish your blog you go and lie down because you are not going to be good to anyone if you don't get any better". I am so blessed readers.
"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her" Proverbs 31:28. This is why I know how blessed I am with my family because they are like this with me.
Readers keep me in your prayers that I can withstand this treatment and thank you in advance for your prayers.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Surviving with Humor
Readers my husband and my kids are hilarious! I ask them for ideas of what to write about since for some reason, maybe because of my lack of sleep or because of the pain I have been having this past week, I can not come up with ANYTHING! Nothing at all! How is it that a woman who seems to never be lost for words, at least in my head, has NOTHING to say. I am sure my husband and my kids would agree that me being at a loss for words is uncharacteristic of me! I always have something to say!! So I ask my wonderful husband and my amazing trio of kids what should I write about? Want to hear their ideas readers? OK here we go.
My son starts dancing the Egyptian with a fishy face on and said "write about surviving this mom!" LOL he is a child who has ADHD and is a bucket full of energy on any given minute of the day. How do you survive a child who has more energy than an energizer battery? How do you cope when you at times wish you could have even one iota of the energy he has so you can keep up with him? Perseverance readers, perseverance. So much of it that I at times do not believe I have it at all. Let's put it this way readers I don't believe I have any since I can not even spell the word. Thank God for spell check readers. Thank God. But my son is amazing readers. Not just cause he is my son but he is so wonderful. He is hyper and there are days when I am ready to pass out on the couch because I am so exhausted with him but he has such a kind heart. He has such a loving disposition. He loves me so much that he wants to sit still on my lap at the age of 9 and watch TV with me while we cuddle. I do not know many 9 years olds who still love their mommies so much. He has such a heart that I know he will take the world by storm and he will right injustices along his way because he is always the one who roots for the underdog. He brings a smile to my face and he has learned how to make me laugh by just making that fishy face and dancing either by doing the Egyptian or dancing with a fishy face and copying Michael Jackson's Thriller dance. He is so funny. He is smart, he is loving and I know that I am doing right by him because he one day will grow up to be a Godly man. Proverbs 22:6 tells us "Raise a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." I know my boy will always serve the Lord even if he is serving him while making others laugh dancing around with a fishy face.
My younger daughter she is the family clown. The faces she makes along with the voices she does makes even the most serious person around laugh and laugh till they can no longer laugh! She has this fascination with Llamas lately. One they are funny looking. They really are. If you have never seen a Llama google one right now. You will not regret it because they will make you laugh!! Now her fascination with Llamas to some may be rather disturbing but she wants to experiment with making a Llama go boom boom! I know deep down that she does not really want to do this but she does make all her jokes about Llamas going boom boom! Now she says it in this little, little girl voice who is extremely polite and wants to make a Llama explode. It throws you off guard and you can not help but laugh. When I asked about what I should write about her response was in that tiny little girl voice "How about you write about how to survive a Llama going boom boom?" LOL oh readers this child is too funny. But you know what she is so creative. She can write and she is so good at writing! She can take something as mundane as writing about a President and make you so enthralled in her writing. She even decided in her Bible Class at Co-Op to write the Parable of the Exploding Llama! LOL Her teacher ran to me laughing to read the Parable out loud in front of all the moms. Something that for a minute was embarrassing and once the minute was over I realized how funny it was and a sense of pride hit me. She is so creative!! Readers my daughter is 11 years old and even though I know deep down how smart she is she also has retained a child like innocence. I love that! Now a days it is so rare to have an 11 year old have child like innocence and it is special to me that she still has it. Matthew 18: 3 says: "And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Her humor and her innocence are priceless readers. She makes me laugh even when my stubborn self thinks I do not want to laugh at all. She makes a silly face, speaks with a silly voice and I am bouncing up and down with laughter. If you know me you know one I laugh and laugh with my whole body and two I LOVE TO LAUGH!
Than comes my oldest daughter. Readers she is 12 going on 21! She is funny though. Her humor has developed in a more teen angst type of humor. When asked what I should write about this was her comment: "Why don't you write about surviving putting your used sugar packets in the trash?" LOL You see readers I am a huge (and this is no pun on my size here) coffeeholic! I will go get my coffee every morning, every mid morning, every afternoon, and every late afternoon and when I serve my coffee I ALWAYS leave the sweetener packets open and empty on the counter next to coffee maker. She always goes behind me like my mom and calls my attention to the fact that I left them on the counter. Every day all day long. Let me clarify something readers not too long ago was I having to go behind my husband and my kids picking up everything after them and when I say not too long ago I mean just this past week. So I leave sugar packets out. Truth be told readers since I feel I want to be 100% honest with you all. I get my kicks out of doing that! It cracks me up to see her go in the kitchen and see the sugar packets and her roll her eyes and say: "mami what is this?!" Like I would tell them when they leave something lying around!! LOL but my daughter has become such an amazing young woman and I know one day she is going to make an amazing mother, after all she is learning from me.... LOL. She just broke an argument between her siblings and told them "now say you are sorry and hug and kiss each other". I say that ALL THE TIME! I am proud of my daughter. She is so amazing, so responsible and so caring. She has taken up the reins in this house especially now that I am sick and I know that she will grow up to be an amazing woman one day. "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." Proverbs 20:11. Her conduct, her reputation is what people know of her and she even with the teen angst humor is such a great kid.
Now comes my husband. OH LORD help me because he is the silliest of them all. If you all think my children are silly than you should all see my husband. Let's put it this way he is the man who at the church's valentines day dinner during the Karaoke stands up behind his daughter at the Karaoke machine to do background dancing, I was even surprised when he got the Pastor to join him in the dancing. My husband goes and dances around the house just to make me laugh or to make the kids laugh. My husband is notorious for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and in the wrong context and when you tell him that he just says: "You know what I mean!" Readers let me enlighten you on a little something: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HE MEANS... LOL. When faced with the question what I should write about he said: "Why not write about surviving an exploded uterus!" OK let me give you a bit of back story on this one here. About 5 minutes before I asked the family this question I had sneezed and sneezed so hard that with all the pain I have been having this sneeze really hurt. I said joking: "Oh I think my uterus just exploded with this sneeze!" That is why my husband suggested I write about that! LOL. He is so funny. He is so supportive too. He knows I am going through my own personal hell here with the pain from all the doctors probing, from the fear of what might come, from the pain again (it is really painful and so I thought it deemed mentioning twice...LOL), and from the emotions I have been going through. My husband is so wonderful that he even asked for the time off tomorrow to come with me to the doctor because if I get bad news he wants to be there for me. I told him last night that I am happy he is going to be there in the waiting room for me. He looks at me and says: "the waiting room?!?!" I said yes! The rooms back there are tiny and you get into everything and drive me insane that by the time the doctor comes in they are going to have to wheel me straight to the Phychiatric Ward because of you! LOL I told him wait for me and afterwards we will get us a cup of coffee and talk about what the doctor said. Colossians 3:14 says it all for us: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity".
Readers thank you for reading along with my family silliness. I hope it all brought a laugh to you as it does to me and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
My son starts dancing the Egyptian with a fishy face on and said "write about surviving this mom!" LOL he is a child who has ADHD and is a bucket full of energy on any given minute of the day. How do you survive a child who has more energy than an energizer battery? How do you cope when you at times wish you could have even one iota of the energy he has so you can keep up with him? Perseverance readers, perseverance. So much of it that I at times do not believe I have it at all. Let's put it this way readers I don't believe I have any since I can not even spell the word. Thank God for spell check readers. Thank God. But my son is amazing readers. Not just cause he is my son but he is so wonderful. He is hyper and there are days when I am ready to pass out on the couch because I am so exhausted with him but he has such a kind heart. He has such a loving disposition. He loves me so much that he wants to sit still on my lap at the age of 9 and watch TV with me while we cuddle. I do not know many 9 years olds who still love their mommies so much. He has such a heart that I know he will take the world by storm and he will right injustices along his way because he is always the one who roots for the underdog. He brings a smile to my face and he has learned how to make me laugh by just making that fishy face and dancing either by doing the Egyptian or dancing with a fishy face and copying Michael Jackson's Thriller dance. He is so funny. He is smart, he is loving and I know that I am doing right by him because he one day will grow up to be a Godly man. Proverbs 22:6 tells us "Raise a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." I know my boy will always serve the Lord even if he is serving him while making others laugh dancing around with a fishy face.
My younger daughter she is the family clown. The faces she makes along with the voices she does makes even the most serious person around laugh and laugh till they can no longer laugh! She has this fascination with Llamas lately. One they are funny looking. They really are. If you have never seen a Llama google one right now. You will not regret it because they will make you laugh!! Now her fascination with Llamas to some may be rather disturbing but she wants to experiment with making a Llama go boom boom! I know deep down that she does not really want to do this but she does make all her jokes about Llamas going boom boom! Now she says it in this little, little girl voice who is extremely polite and wants to make a Llama explode. It throws you off guard and you can not help but laugh. When I asked about what I should write about her response was in that tiny little girl voice "How about you write about how to survive a Llama going boom boom?" LOL oh readers this child is too funny. But you know what she is so creative. She can write and she is so good at writing! She can take something as mundane as writing about a President and make you so enthralled in her writing. She even decided in her Bible Class at Co-Op to write the Parable of the Exploding Llama! LOL Her teacher ran to me laughing to read the Parable out loud in front of all the moms. Something that for a minute was embarrassing and once the minute was over I realized how funny it was and a sense of pride hit me. She is so creative!! Readers my daughter is 11 years old and even though I know deep down how smart she is she also has retained a child like innocence. I love that! Now a days it is so rare to have an 11 year old have child like innocence and it is special to me that she still has it. Matthew 18: 3 says: "And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Her humor and her innocence are priceless readers. She makes me laugh even when my stubborn self thinks I do not want to laugh at all. She makes a silly face, speaks with a silly voice and I am bouncing up and down with laughter. If you know me you know one I laugh and laugh with my whole body and two I LOVE TO LAUGH!
Than comes my oldest daughter. Readers she is 12 going on 21! She is funny though. Her humor has developed in a more teen angst type of humor. When asked what I should write about this was her comment: "Why don't you write about surviving putting your used sugar packets in the trash?" LOL You see readers I am a huge (and this is no pun on my size here) coffeeholic! I will go get my coffee every morning, every mid morning, every afternoon, and every late afternoon and when I serve my coffee I ALWAYS leave the sweetener packets open and empty on the counter next to coffee maker. She always goes behind me like my mom and calls my attention to the fact that I left them on the counter. Every day all day long. Let me clarify something readers not too long ago was I having to go behind my husband and my kids picking up everything after them and when I say not too long ago I mean just this past week. So I leave sugar packets out. Truth be told readers since I feel I want to be 100% honest with you all. I get my kicks out of doing that! It cracks me up to see her go in the kitchen and see the sugar packets and her roll her eyes and say: "mami what is this?!" Like I would tell them when they leave something lying around!! LOL but my daughter has become such an amazing young woman and I know one day she is going to make an amazing mother, after all she is learning from me.... LOL. She just broke an argument between her siblings and told them "now say you are sorry and hug and kiss each other". I say that ALL THE TIME! I am proud of my daughter. She is so amazing, so responsible and so caring. She has taken up the reins in this house especially now that I am sick and I know that she will grow up to be an amazing woman one day. "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." Proverbs 20:11. Her conduct, her reputation is what people know of her and she even with the teen angst humor is such a great kid.
Now comes my husband. OH LORD help me because he is the silliest of them all. If you all think my children are silly than you should all see my husband. Let's put it this way he is the man who at the church's valentines day dinner during the Karaoke stands up behind his daughter at the Karaoke machine to do background dancing, I was even surprised when he got the Pastor to join him in the dancing. My husband goes and dances around the house just to make me laugh or to make the kids laugh. My husband is notorious for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and in the wrong context and when you tell him that he just says: "You know what I mean!" Readers let me enlighten you on a little something: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HE MEANS... LOL. When faced with the question what I should write about he said: "Why not write about surviving an exploded uterus!" OK let me give you a bit of back story on this one here. About 5 minutes before I asked the family this question I had sneezed and sneezed so hard that with all the pain I have been having this sneeze really hurt. I said joking: "Oh I think my uterus just exploded with this sneeze!" That is why my husband suggested I write about that! LOL. He is so funny. He is so supportive too. He knows I am going through my own personal hell here with the pain from all the doctors probing, from the fear of what might come, from the pain again (it is really painful and so I thought it deemed mentioning twice...LOL), and from the emotions I have been going through. My husband is so wonderful that he even asked for the time off tomorrow to come with me to the doctor because if I get bad news he wants to be there for me. I told him last night that I am happy he is going to be there in the waiting room for me. He looks at me and says: "the waiting room?!?!" I said yes! The rooms back there are tiny and you get into everything and drive me insane that by the time the doctor comes in they are going to have to wheel me straight to the Phychiatric Ward because of you! LOL I told him wait for me and afterwards we will get us a cup of coffee and talk about what the doctor said. Colossians 3:14 says it all for us: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity".
Readers thank you for reading along with my family silliness. I hope it all brought a laugh to you as it does to me and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)