And The Countdown Begins To The End Of My Anger

Well we are exactly one week away from my surgery. One week and I will be cancer free! One week and all the suffering I have been undergoing with treatment ends. One week and I will hopefully be free of taking hormones. One week and even though I know I will be in pain from the surgery the pain the tumor has caused will be gone, the fear will be gone, the stress will be gone and most importantly the anger will be gone.

Readers I know I started my journey positively and humorously but lately I have not felt either. Lately I have felt anger and I can not truly explain it. I am not angry at anyone, after all it is no ones fault I have cancer, but I have been angry. I know I am on hormones and they have made me a bit crazy, a bit wacky, a bit looney and a whole lot of psycho but I have been angry at my situation and angry at being made to feel inadequate, feel stressed, feel sick, and feel like I have no idea who is this person I see when I look in the mirror. I hate lately that I can not be the woman I know I am. I hate that I have to depend on help and that is not something I take very easily. My oldest daughter has been amazing. She takes such amazing care of her mom when her mom is so sick to her stomach with the hormones, when her mom is cranky, tired and even depressed. She may only be 12 but in just this short amount of time she has grown and she has taken on more responsibility than any 12 year ever should. And even though I am proud of her I am angry about that. I am her mom. The one who should do it all for her. Take care of her. Be there for her and yet she has had to grow up faster than I want her to because mom needs extra help. It angers me!

Than comes my other two children. They are regular kids who love to play, love to laugh, love to fight with one another and I sometimes gets so stressed that its hard to even play with them, laugh or even just be with them. There are days where it is virtually impossible to get up and out of bed and all they want is to come and jump on my bed, and play and laugh but I am so sick I have to kick them out and see the hurt look in their eyes. That angers me as well! I am a mom who loves to play, who loves to have fun, who loves to be with her kids 24/7 and yet I am not able to lately. I feel like I am missing out on all the fun with them. I hate that there are days where they have to come in my room and ask me if I need anything, if I am okay, if they can even come and cuddle with me? I want to be my old self again.

My husband has to pick up the slack lately. He has to be both mom and dad at times but how is that possible when most of the day he is not home because of work? How is is possible when he spent so long away from the kids that he really doesn't know the routine, doesn't know what they are learning in school, what their interest necessarily are? I am not mad at him. He never chose to be away for so long it was his job, his career in the Army that has forced him to be away for such a time frame but its hard. Not to mention that as most of you ladies know when dad has to be in charge dad does not necessarily do things the same way mom does things and mom can and most often will want things done her way, the right way, and they don't get done like that. Right now as I sit here writing this post my husband is stuck in some training class while the kids and I are home. The kids "attempted" to clean and all yet only two rooms in this large house got done. I did all I could but I get so tired so easily, I get sick to my stomach so easily, and too much movement of any kind, even walking, and I am in pain that radiates from my back and abdomen to my legs and feet. I am angry that even my house is in shambles and I can not do anything fully on it. My husband wont be able to get the full time off that I need him to get for my recovery which will lead me to be somehow either doing all for myself on my own or depending on my kids, which I hate to think I have to do that, and that angers me. Again it is no ones fault it just is but the anger is still there because of all of this.



So who am I angry at? Cancer. I am angry that this word even entered my life. I am angry that it has turned my not so picture perfect life and made it feel more and more like a nightmare I haven't been able to wake up from. I'm angry its taken over my life, even if I try to hide the fact that it does, and the life of those I love. I am just angry! I never thought as a Christian I could, correction, should be an angry person but I am. I just can not allow the anger to control me and so I pray each and every day that God gives me the strength to overcome this anger. I ask that each and everyone of you reading my blog could pray that my anger towards this go away. I ask that you please pray that I can find the peace soon. I pray that once I am cancer free and fully healed I can be back to my lighthearted ways and that I can once again find God's peace, God's joy and God's comfort in my life again.

I am not sure if I will make another post before my surgery. Even typing this up really is difficult because not only is my area where I sit to write my posts not the most comfortable but sitting with my feet down for too long hurts my back, and swells my legs up but just taking the energy to write is a lot on me right now. If I do not write a post before my surgery please continue to hold me in your prayers.

And as always....

Be Blessed in HIM!