Why Learning to Survive?

I am the youngest daughter of three. I am the one in my family that would maybe be considered the quiet one, the shy one, the weak one, the one needing protecting. Please don't get me wrong because I love my parents and my sisters and they never I would say intentionally said I was any of those things it was more of my insecurities that allowed me to think that this is the way I had to be. My mother is such a beautiful, strong, successful Christian woman. She is revered for her strength and her knowledge not only in her job as a Social Worker but in her Knowledge of the word. She is everything I ever wanted to be and when the shoes are these big to fill it makes one feel that they are never going to reach the worthiness. Then there is my father. My outgoing, charasmatic, handsome, strong father. He is the life of the party even when there never even seemed to be a party. He could easily strike a conversation with anyone anywhere about anything. I would look at him and secretly wish that I was just like him. That people would revolve around me hanging on my every word. Oh he would leave me in awe just seeing him "perform" for everyone whether he was at work, at his Dojo, or church he was the one everyone gravitated to. Oh but I am not done. Then there is my oldest sister. Oh my does she take after my dad. She is just as charasmatic as him. She has such a gift of gab. She is so smart that I would always wonder "Is there anything that she doesn't know?", her beauty I would envy because as pale as I am she has the tanned look I could NEVER acquire. She is successful in life having found a man who loves her completely for who she is. Her kids adore her. And even though she may not be a teacher by profession (that is what I am striving for now) she can teach you something and make you understand it in ways you never thought you could. Seriously this is what I have to live up to? But wait that is not all my family. I still have another sister, another older sister. This sister has a successful financial life, she too has a husband who seems to adore her, she picked herself up after a divorce to meet the man that she truly belonged with and never seemed to lose herself in the divorce. She is gorgeous. And when I mean gorgeous I mean take Barbie, make her hispanic with long, wavy, jet black hair and that is my sister. She has the perfect body, the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect job, and now after many years of trying has one of the most perfect toddlers ever that she adopted. OK people this is what I had to "live" up to in my mind! I still to this day do not know how I have not ended in some mental hospital in a stray jacket, sitting in a padded cell, in the fetal position, crying and muttering: "I'm not worthy!" But I haven't.

Listen this is in no way shape or form to make my family feel bad because growing up I never heard negativity from any of them. On the contrary I heard only positive reinforcement from ALL of them and still do today but I allowed insecurity into my life and into my heart and my mind. Do I have a perfect life? In no way, shape or form do I? Do I have a miserable life? Again in no way, shape or form do I. Do my parents or sisters have a perfect life? Even though in my mind I trick myself to think they do and sometimes hold them in such a high standard they do not. Its just sometimes we can not get outside of our own heads, out side of our own little universe and see the reality in the lives of others. Do you know the very first time I saw myself as strong and as a survivor of my current situation? It was 12 1/2 years ago when I had my first child. I was 21 years old! It took me 21 years to see me in any kind of capacity that I had a strength inside of me. My first labor last 36 hours and I refused to fall apart even though the pain was unbearable the first 24 hours I went without an epidural (I know, I know you all are probably going: "Is this woman out of her flipping mind going 24 hours without an epidural? But I listened to intently in Lamaze when they mentioned all the bad side effects of having it and opted for the pain. Needless to say with baby #2 and baby #3 I walked into the delivery room exposing my back and demanding the Anesthesiologist even before the Obstetrician. But that confidence in my uber mother ability went out the door the next day when I was left alone with the baby and she started turning purple in her bassinet and I was over 10 paces away and having stitches from my Episiotomy made it extremely painful to run to her as my instincts told me to do and I broke down crying and screaming hysterically for my husband who was down the hall trying to score some free pudding at the nurses station. Needless to say my daughter is 12 1/2 now and extremely healthy but that day was one of the worst in my life.

Why do I feel I need to learn to survive? Easy because just when I think I have my life right where I want it. Right when I feel like I am in a place where I feel at ease I learn how wrong I really am. I do have a great life. I have an amazing husband who I know loves me, supports me, cares for me and puts up with me because I know I can be sometimes difficult to love (even though I refuse to admit it). I have three children who are amazing. Each different and unique in their own way. Each so intelligent, caring and growing up in the Lord. But with the struggles in my life I feel I do need to learn to survive. I am the youngest in my family yet I am the one the Lord chose to leave the nest because my family is all back in Orlando, FL while I am here in El Paso, TX because I am married to a soldier. I am the one who had to say goodbye to my husband for 8 months while he went to training for the Army. I was the one who said goodbye again after a short 2 months together when he deployed to Iraq and had to be a single mom while being thousands of miles away from my parents, sisters and friends. I knew no one when my husband deployed and I had to find my way in this new world. I had to learn to survive then. I did with the help of my God. The word tells us: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28 NIV and that is what I had to do. Do you know how I learned to survive? I took it ALL to God. I took the big things to him. I took the little things to him. I left it all at the cross and let him take care of me. Oh but is that really surviving you might ask? Of course it is. I am a broken person. I am not whole. I once heard a preacher say if you are paralyzed do you still try to walk or do you use a wheelchair? If you break a leg do you continue to walk on it or do you use crutches? Of course you use your crutch and allow your foot to heal and get stronger to keep going on. It does not make us weak to realize we are broken and need Jesus as a crutch but it does make us weak to not realize we need the help until we can withstand and sometimes the time we can withstand is when we are up in glory with our Lord and he looks at us and tells us "Well done my good and faithful servant" and then we are no longer broken and no longer need the crutch.

Right now I am battling again with needing to lean on God. I received word from my doctor that is neither good or bad but alarming none the less. I was diagnosed back in 2008 with Pre-Cancerous Cervical Cancer Cells. I never got any treatment because I did not have health insurance and truth be told waiting so long I allowed myself to think all that I was feeling, going through was my normal. It took my sister having to receive intensive treatment for a very similiar condition to kick me in the pants and get me to realize I had forgotten about my health and so I called the doctor. When I saw the doctor right away they said they saw a growth. I was scheduled today for an ultrasound that unfortunately got rescheduled for Wednesday to find out the size and extent of the growth while we wait on biopsy results. I then have an appointment once everything should be in on the 1st to discuss all the results with the Specialist. Am I scared? YEAH! I gave myself the first day to mourn whatever I felt the need to mourn, I cried about not only the pre-diagnosis but about if it turns out to be the worse case scenario what will happen to my husband and my children. I gave myself the day to be angry but not with God because I know all things happen for a reason and for his purpose but I was angry that I allowed myself all this time and did not cherish it the way I should have. Then I pulled out the word. I found this verse: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27 NIV and I realized God is totally in control. I can not by worrying, crying and pitching a hissy fit change any outcome so I have to trust in God. I have to trust that either his plan is to allow the doctors the wisdom to treat me the way that I need it or he will bring me home and take care of my family as well. I have learned to Let it all go and leave it to God. I have learned I am going to be a Survivor one way or another because through it all HE and only HE has made me a Survivor. And like the old song says: "I will survive!" because I have the greatest foundation on which to stand. He will be my crutch through this until I can stand on my own through HIS power and HIS grace and not my own. Surviving is not what we do for ourselves it is what God does for us!