Surviving Through Hurt and Pain

Photo Courtesy of Evy and Bitstrip

Well readers its been a long time. I have had a whole lot of healing to do. I do not think I have healed all that much though. I have been going to counseling and man is it a great help. My counselor is amazing and I am so grateful for her. She has told me that my kids and I have made wonderful strides in our healing. At first I was happy to hear that. I was like well check me out just shy of 4 months and I am healing wonderfully! Go Me! Go Me!! Well readers take my advice on this. Never think you are beyond getting hurt still. Yesterday I went to church and it was a service all about healing. I may not have agreed with the entire sermon because while I go to this church because it provides amazing socialization for my children the doctrine and Theology is not always what I agree with. I am however learning why certain things have come about in the thinking of some of my loved ones because of yesterday's sermon. I don't think their thinking is completely wrong I just believe it is a tad on the radical side and while I am all for being radical for God when you add other things you are going to go over board on being radical that I have to disagree with. But I digressed as I tend to do. At the end of the service their was an alter call. Not the typical if you want to invite Jesus into your life alter call but the come and get prayed for in your healing. My niece and sister convinced me to go forward, I am not one that likes to go up to the front, and when one of the ladies came to pray for me she asked what I needed healing for. I told her I had cancer. She prayed for me.

While she prayed for me over the cancer I prayed for my heart. I prayed for healing of my heart. I wanted and have desperately needed to have my heart healed. I cried and cried and asked God please God please heal my heart. I wanted him to ask for forgiveness. Readers be careful what you ask God for cause He will give it to you. I had a hard day yesterday. I dealt with a family situation that escalated out of control and while I love and adore my family deeply it hurt to see my children sad over a situation that should never have escalated like it did. Then I went to dinner at my sisters house. I love going there. I am always at peace when I am there. While we sat in the living room watching a movie after dinner my ex texts. He is ready to finally talk. 

We talked about everything from what our plans are for our income tax returns to the divorce and even his vistiation and communication with the kids. We talked, we talked, we talked. He even asked that the kids and I forgive him because while he knows that he is happy in his new life he knows he went about it the wrong way. I want to forgive him. Really I do. I asked God for him to admit he did wrong and ask for forgiveness and now that he did my heart wont let me forgive. I hate this! I feel like I am disappointing God because He kept up with his part and I couldn't. 

I am in a place in my heart that I feel like I can not escape. I want to forgive I want to be the person who can look past this but I can not. Why can't I? I depend on God and He has helped me so much so why can I not give it up to him now?

Photo Courtesy of Evy and Bitstrip

"For the word of the Lord is right and true;

    he is faithful in all he does.
The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
    the earth is full of his unfailing love." Psalm 33: 4-5 NIV.

I need to be able to see that God has kept up with his end of the bargain and I have to keep up with mine. But how do you forgive when your heart hurts so much? I am past the anger but the hurt and pain I am not past. I am struggling so much in my heart. I struggle with the fact that I gave myself and my heart, my life to someone else to not only have it all thrown to the waste side but to be replaced and be ok with this. I want my life back. I thought I was beginning to get it back but I am not. I am still struggling. Pray for me readers. Pray that I can forgive, I can get past the pain and the hurt to get my life back.

And As Always Readers......

Be Blessed in HIM