Surviving the Shruken Head Syndrome

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

OK readers hope you are ready for this one. So you all know what I am going through. I mean my life is an open book after all or is that an open blog actually? So with the impending divorce, the dealings with my soon to be ex husband and even his current well I do not know what to call her, my cancer treatments, my life as a single mother, starting things over with no job or career, my financial struggles and well just "normal" life stuff I felt like I needed and my kids needed some professional help. I mean I am not the only one going through all of this they are too you know. They have to deal with their mom and dad no longer being in love with each other, they have to deal with the current whatever she is, they have to deal with mom going through chemo, they have to deal with growing up with a single mom, they have to deal with starting their lives all over again as well, they have to deal with the fact that mom can not afford certain things because as of yet we have not received child support, and the "normal" things of life as well.

First of all what is the "normal" things in life? I mean I can honestly say I know NO ONE that lives a normal life. Readers if you believe you are one of those people who live a normal life please enlighten me because I have yet to know what a normal life is.

Anywho to return to my blog post. So I found an amazing counselor for not only myself but my children too. I think she is just down right awesome. First off for those readers who personally know me you know I am a WHOVIAN. For those who do not know what a Whovian is let me enlighten you right quick. A Whovian is a fan of the show Doctor Who on the BBC America channel. OMG readers I absolutely love this show and fell in love with it last time I underwent chemo. I think maybe tomorrow I might blog about why I am head over heals in love with the show, but that is a blog post for tomorrow. On to our counselor for today. She not only is a Whovian she is a nerd, geek at heart. She loves the music my daughters listen to, she loves Anime, she loves my Kiki's sense of humor, and that she was able to make my Jordan talk! This is a big deal because he down right refused to go to counseling. He did not want to express his feelings at all in regards to the impending divorce or the state of our relationship in any way, shape or form. She did not make a break through in regards to healing his heart but she made a break through in getting him just to talk to her. So we all talked at first together with her. She got to know us just a little bit, asked really broad questions in regards to our aspirations in life and even our goals with therapy and then she split us up.

Now Lissy and Kiki went and talked individually to her. I do not know what they said because of confidentiality but that is good. I want my kids to trust her and be able to open up their feelings to her and I think she will be good for them. I mean she is young, she likes stuff that they like and she genuinely shows compassion towards them. When it was Jordan's turn I was allowed to sit in on his mini session because he was afraid to talk to her. He did however feel at ease when she mentioned he didn't have to talk about anything he did not want to talk about. She told him how she would play games with him, they will color together (which they both agreed was good because neither of them can draw really well but coloring is the next best thing) and he could even talk to her about how he wants to grow up to be a preacher and give her cool Bible trivia as well.

Then it came time for my private session. When I first left El Paso a part me was thinking this could be temporary, if my ex husband (and I keep trying to use this term because I need to allow my heart to learn this term) asked us to return I would have done so, but now I know, I know my situation is permanent. I know that I will no longer be Mrs. Perez but that from now on I will be Ms. Alicea. I couldn't believe it, when I realized I will no longer be an Mrs but just an Ms. At first my heart took another break and stab but then well this is my life, I can not change what has happened but I sure can mold what will be. I used to be sad. I used to wonder what I did wrong. I used to pray to God please not only heal my heart but his and bring our family together again. I used to. I still pray that God heal my heart. I still pray that God heal his heart but the difference is I do not pray that our family be restored. I pray that GOD'S WILL BE DONE. I pray that God allow me to see the wonder around me, that God allow me to see the goodness around me. I pray God allow me to stop being angry. But I know I have every right right now to be angry. I was told by my ex and his whatever that I am an angry woman. They said this to me like I was not entitled to be angry or have a right to be angry. I even told the counselor this. I told her how I used to be sad but now my sadness over my marriage is over and what lies there is anger. My ex told me that it is hypocritical of me to be angry and claim to be a religious woman. That I just want to play the victim. Well that is far from the truth I tell you readers.

My counselor did not bat an eye when I told her why I was angry. I mean when you are financially cut off completely and have to figure out how to survive with no money and three kids you have a right to be angry. When you spent 14 almost 15 years with someone, stood by them through two hospital stays, three children, multiple jobs, multiple places to live, enlisting later on in life in the Army, learning this new lifestyle to support them, two deployments, cancer and treatment dealing without them in order to protect them from seeing it all you have a right to be angry. She understood this and her words were sweet but I took comfort remembering what my Pastor from El Paso once said that "Christians can be angry over injustices because God is angry over injustices as well". When my kids can not have what they need because all the money is spent and I can not get a single penny that is injustice, when after sticking by the person in the good and the bad and waiting nine long months for them to return on deployment only to have them kick you and your kids to the waste side that is an injustice, when my children have had to wait over a month for their precious treasures that they had to leave behind because it could not fit in the trailer when we came and their father is "too busy" to send it that is an injustice and when I have to undergo cancer treatment all while dealing with worrying about finances, worrying about what my kids are having to feel during this time of the impending divorce, worrying about when I will be able to pay this or that and if my car will be reposed because he will no longer help that is an injustice. When my children have to stick by my side taking care of me during chemo and again he is no where near to deal with my sickness and he is the adult that is an injustice. I have the right to be angry. I have the right voice my mind whether they feel I am right or not, I can still be a Christian woman and be angry at them for going through what I am forced to go through. I think the worst pain I felt was being called a hypocrite because above all I feel I have maintained my faith in Christ through it all, even through my anger, because I ask God to help me heal from it all and I know that He is going to help me and it just might be through this amazing counselor we found that fits our crazy family so well.

"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life." Ephesians 4: 26-27 MSG. I know God will take my anger away. I pray He will and God hears our prayers. I know through talking in counseling I will get my anger away. I know one day my anger will be gone in its time and in its place will be blessings that the Lord has granted me. People worry sometimes when I say I am angry but know that one I am not trying to get revenge, I am only speaking my mind. And two God is working in me. I am a work in progress and I will fall and make mistakes but with my God all things are possible and so I know my anger will be taken away in its right time. I believe what I am going through is an injustice, and so therefore my anger is fueling me to fight for what is right in this injustice, I am fighting for my children to get the support they need and once they do I know my God will replace my anger with joy because I will be happy seeing my kids taken care of. Readers do not fret over me thinking I am allowing anger to be my only emotion because I have given it to God and He will hear and answer my prayer in His perfect time. 

Readers thank you for going through this journey with me and as always

Be Blessed in HIM