Well we are exactly one week away from my surgery. One week and I will be cancer free! One week and all the suffering I have been undergoing with treatment ends. One week and I will hopefully be free of taking hormones. One week and even though I know I will be in pain from the surgery the pain the tumor has caused will be gone, the fear will be gone, the stress will be gone and most importantly the anger will be gone.
Readers I know I started my journey positively and humorously but lately I have not felt either. Lately I have felt anger and I can not truly explain it. I am not angry at anyone, after all it is no ones fault I have cancer, but I have been angry. I know I am on hormones and they have made me a bit crazy, a bit wacky, a bit looney and a whole lot of psycho but I have been angry at my situation and angry at being made to feel inadequate, feel stressed, feel sick, and feel like I have no idea who is this person I see when I look in the mirror. I hate lately that I can not be the woman I know I am. I hate that I have to depend on help and that is not something I take very easily. My oldest daughter has been amazing. She takes such amazing care of her mom when her mom is so sick to her stomach with the hormones, when her mom is cranky, tired and even depressed. She may only be 12 but in just this short amount of time she has grown and she has taken on more responsibility than any 12 year ever should. And even though I am proud of her I am angry about that. I am her mom. The one who should do it all for her. Take care of her. Be there for her and yet she has had to grow up faster than I want her to because mom needs extra help. It angers me!
Than comes my other two children. They are regular kids who love to play, love to laugh, love to fight with one another and I sometimes gets so stressed that its hard to even play with them, laugh or even just be with them. There are days where it is virtually impossible to get up and out of bed and all they want is to come and jump on my bed, and play and laugh but I am so sick I have to kick them out and see the hurt look in their eyes. That angers me as well! I am a mom who loves to play, who loves to have fun, who loves to be with her kids 24/7 and yet I am not able to lately. I feel like I am missing out on all the fun with them. I hate that there are days where they have to come in my room and ask me if I need anything, if I am okay, if they can even come and cuddle with me? I want to be my old self again.
My husband has to pick up the slack lately. He has to be both mom and dad at times but how is that possible when most of the day he is not home because of work? How is is possible when he spent so long away from the kids that he really doesn't know the routine, doesn't know what they are learning in school, what their interest necessarily are? I am not mad at him. He never chose to be away for so long it was his job, his career in the Army that has forced him to be away for such a time frame but its hard. Not to mention that as most of you ladies know when dad has to be in charge dad does not necessarily do things the same way mom does things and mom can and most often will want things done her way, the right way, and they don't get done like that. Right now as I sit here writing this post my husband is stuck in some training class while the kids and I are home. The kids "attempted" to clean and all yet only two rooms in this large house got done. I did all I could but I get so tired so easily, I get sick to my stomach so easily, and too much movement of any kind, even walking, and I am in pain that radiates from my back and abdomen to my legs and feet. I am angry that even my house is in shambles and I can not do anything fully on it. My husband wont be able to get the full time off that I need him to get for my recovery which will lead me to be somehow either doing all for myself on my own or depending on my kids, which I hate to think I have to do that, and that angers me. Again it is no ones fault it just is but the anger is still there because of all of this.
So who am I angry at? Cancer. I am angry that this word even entered my life. I am angry that it has turned my not so picture perfect life and made it feel more and more like a nightmare I haven't been able to wake up from. I'm angry its taken over my life, even if I try to hide the fact that it does, and the life of those I love. I am just angry! I never thought as a Christian I could, correction, should be an angry person but I am. I just can not allow the anger to control me and so I pray each and every day that God gives me the strength to overcome this anger. I ask that each and everyone of you reading my blog could pray that my anger towards this go away. I ask that you please pray that I can find the peace soon. I pray that once I am cancer free and fully healed I can be back to my lighthearted ways and that I can once again find God's peace, God's joy and God's comfort in my life again.
I am not sure if I will make another post before my surgery. Even typing this up really is difficult because not only is my area where I sit to write my posts not the most comfortable but sitting with my feet down for too long hurts my back, and swells my legs up but just taking the energy to write is a lot on me right now. If I do not write a post before my surgery please continue to hold me in your prayers.
And as always....
Be Blessed in HIM!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Confenrences, Hormones and the Flu.... OH MY!
Wow readers it has been a long time since I have posted a blog post and I am sorry about that. For the most part I have either been out of town or I have been sick. Truth be told I am still not feeling well but I wanted to get a blog post in.
I have mixed feelings about last weekend. I went to Dallas for a Youth Leader Conference and can I say it was amazing. YSpalooza was so informative, so enlightening, so educational and can I just say it was downright fun but my mixed emotions come from the fact that I was sick maybe 75% of the time I was there. I hated that my friends and fellow Youth Leaders had to practically take care of me and for a person who does not like to show weakness, for a person who does not like to have to ask for help, for a person who just really needed this time to learn, enjoy and relax I had to be sick through most of it. I am grateful for these amazing woman who selflessly took care of me even when I felt terrible having to have them do so. The car ride over there was 12 hours long. Yes readers you read that right it was 12 hours long! Correction because of my getting sick I think I bumped the time up to about 13 hours having to ask them several times to pull over. Oh but even through it all the car ride was not all bad. I mean we got to really bond with each other after spending all that time in the car, after spending all that time in the hotel room together, after spending all that time together in the conference, the restaurants, heck its a miracle we still like each other instead of being sick of each other after 4 days. We learned so much as well in this conference. We learned how to better guide, instruct and lead our teens, we came back with enthusiasm and we even learned how to be better with our church, our teens and most of all our families. How to give ourselves time for our own families as well. We met other amazing Youth Leaders who became more like mentors in the process. This past weekend was great expect for dealing with the hormones that had me so sick most of the time.
One night during the trip to Dallas I got so sick I spent most of the night running to the restroom because the hormones had me so sick to my stomach that not even water I could hold in. I debated on even continuing to go back to bed each time because I was so tired after a bit but one thought kept running through my head: "What if my friends wake up in the morning and do not see me in my bed, then find me asleep on the bathroom floor they might think they have a friend who is a drug addict and instead of driving me to the conference they might drive me to a Rehab Center instead." The thought of my friends, my church friends, thinking I needed rehab kept giving me the strength to make it back to my bed each and every time I felt too weak to move. Oh my could you imagine the call that would of been made home if they thought I was a drug addict after finding me sprawled on the bathroom floor? "Ummm sorry Pastor but even though she came for a Youth Leader Conference we had to leave Evy behind in Dallas because we believe she might be addicted to crack and she is in a 90 day program." Oh the mortification! I stayed in bed that morning after talking with my friends and explaining to them my intense night of running back and forth from the bed to the bathroom and they were so understanding. They brought me a trash can in case I got sick again and brought me toast, 7 Up, yogurt and such and even placed the "Do Not Disturb" sign so I could finally get some rest. Oh they are so wonderful and I am blessed that I have the privilege to work alongside them in the church. I was better by noon and went to lunch with them (even if I could barely eat anything) and attended the last half of the conference that day even though after playing some of the games I got sick again and ran to the restroom one last time. I had called my doctor who told me to suspend taking the hormones and that she would adjust them for me when I returned to El Paso. Oh readers the joy I felt when she said that. I felt like I was a princess riding around on a purple unicorn spreading pixie dust throughout the land of "No Hormones!" Oh it was beautiful! Seriously readers if you ever have to be on hormones you will have my sympathies but if you ever get the opportunity to get off of hormones you will have congratulations. It feels great being off of them!! But there is one problem to getting off the hormones and that is that your cycle (if you still have them) comes back full force with a vengeance! It is like some baby momma trying to collect her child support from you and she beats you relentlessly until she gets her money! This is what I am facing now and I have to tell you it really, really kicks you where the God Lord split you! And do you know what the cure for this is ladies and gentlemen? Let me share with you: HORMONES! Triple the dosage on the first day, Double the dosage on the second day and back to Single dosages if it stops. If it doesn't repeat that pyramid again! Talk about being sick to your stomach!
Oh but if that is not enough readers try adding the flu to the mix! Ugh! Before I left for Dallas my wonderful kiddos and even my dogs all had the flu! I come back and what do I get readers? That's right, ding, ding, ding! The FLU!! 1 million points to all who answered correctly!! Oh man add triple dosage of hormones, add cramping, add body aches, coughing and now my wonderful Minnie Mouse on helium voice sounds like fog horn mixed with a hacking cough. Seriously readers my poor body feels like it has taken a beating and does not want to keep on ticking. I am just tired, I am worn down and I am just plain exhausted. I thought the worse would come with the surgery and afterwards but the worse seems now.
"He [Jesus] said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34. I take comfort that even though right now I feel like I want to just be wrapped up in a blanket and cared for because I feel so weak I know God is doing that for me right now. He has healed me. Tomorrow we celebrate Easter. We celebrate when Jesus took all our sins, all our sickness, all our sorrows and left them on the cross and tomorrow I will celebrate not only that Jesus died for me, He had a full bodily Resurrection, He saved me and gave me eternal life but that He healed me. I know I am suffering now but my suffering is nothing compared to the suffering He underwent on that cross and I am thankful that He did it all for me. And He did it all for you too readers. Take heart and know that He will be there for you as He is there for me. Loving me, guiding me, caring for me.
Thank you for your continued prayers readers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
I have mixed feelings about last weekend. I went to Dallas for a Youth Leader Conference and can I say it was amazing. YSpalooza was so informative, so enlightening, so educational and can I just say it was downright fun but my mixed emotions come from the fact that I was sick maybe 75% of the time I was there. I hated that my friends and fellow Youth Leaders had to practically take care of me and for a person who does not like to show weakness, for a person who does not like to have to ask for help, for a person who just really needed this time to learn, enjoy and relax I had to be sick through most of it. I am grateful for these amazing woman who selflessly took care of me even when I felt terrible having to have them do so. The car ride over there was 12 hours long. Yes readers you read that right it was 12 hours long! Correction because of my getting sick I think I bumped the time up to about 13 hours having to ask them several times to pull over. Oh but even through it all the car ride was not all bad. I mean we got to really bond with each other after spending all that time in the car, after spending all that time in the hotel room together, after spending all that time together in the conference, the restaurants, heck its a miracle we still like each other instead of being sick of each other after 4 days. We learned so much as well in this conference. We learned how to better guide, instruct and lead our teens, we came back with enthusiasm and we even learned how to be better with our church, our teens and most of all our families. How to give ourselves time for our own families as well. We met other amazing Youth Leaders who became more like mentors in the process. This past weekend was great expect for dealing with the hormones that had me so sick most of the time.
One night during the trip to Dallas I got so sick I spent most of the night running to the restroom because the hormones had me so sick to my stomach that not even water I could hold in. I debated on even continuing to go back to bed each time because I was so tired after a bit but one thought kept running through my head: "What if my friends wake up in the morning and do not see me in my bed, then find me asleep on the bathroom floor they might think they have a friend who is a drug addict and instead of driving me to the conference they might drive me to a Rehab Center instead." The thought of my friends, my church friends, thinking I needed rehab kept giving me the strength to make it back to my bed each and every time I felt too weak to move. Oh my could you imagine the call that would of been made home if they thought I was a drug addict after finding me sprawled on the bathroom floor? "Ummm sorry Pastor but even though she came for a Youth Leader Conference we had to leave Evy behind in Dallas because we believe she might be addicted to crack and she is in a 90 day program." Oh the mortification! I stayed in bed that morning after talking with my friends and explaining to them my intense night of running back and forth from the bed to the bathroom and they were so understanding. They brought me a trash can in case I got sick again and brought me toast, 7 Up, yogurt and such and even placed the "Do Not Disturb" sign so I could finally get some rest. Oh they are so wonderful and I am blessed that I have the privilege to work alongside them in the church. I was better by noon and went to lunch with them (even if I could barely eat anything) and attended the last half of the conference that day even though after playing some of the games I got sick again and ran to the restroom one last time. I had called my doctor who told me to suspend taking the hormones and that she would adjust them for me when I returned to El Paso. Oh readers the joy I felt when she said that. I felt like I was a princess riding around on a purple unicorn spreading pixie dust throughout the land of "No Hormones!" Oh it was beautiful! Seriously readers if you ever have to be on hormones you will have my sympathies but if you ever get the opportunity to get off of hormones you will have congratulations. It feels great being off of them!! But there is one problem to getting off the hormones and that is that your cycle (if you still have them) comes back full force with a vengeance! It is like some baby momma trying to collect her child support from you and she beats you relentlessly until she gets her money! This is what I am facing now and I have to tell you it really, really kicks you where the God Lord split you! And do you know what the cure for this is ladies and gentlemen? Let me share with you: HORMONES! Triple the dosage on the first day, Double the dosage on the second day and back to Single dosages if it stops. If it doesn't repeat that pyramid again! Talk about being sick to your stomach!
Oh but if that is not enough readers try adding the flu to the mix! Ugh! Before I left for Dallas my wonderful kiddos and even my dogs all had the flu! I come back and what do I get readers? That's right, ding, ding, ding! The FLU!! 1 million points to all who answered correctly!! Oh man add triple dosage of hormones, add cramping, add body aches, coughing and now my wonderful Minnie Mouse on helium voice sounds like fog horn mixed with a hacking cough. Seriously readers my poor body feels like it has taken a beating and does not want to keep on ticking. I am just tired, I am worn down and I am just plain exhausted. I thought the worse would come with the surgery and afterwards but the worse seems now.
"He [Jesus] said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34. I take comfort that even though right now I feel like I want to just be wrapped up in a blanket and cared for because I feel so weak I know God is doing that for me right now. He has healed me. Tomorrow we celebrate Easter. We celebrate when Jesus took all our sins, all our sickness, all our sorrows and left them on the cross and tomorrow I will celebrate not only that Jesus died for me, He had a full bodily Resurrection, He saved me and gave me eternal life but that He healed me. I know I am suffering now but my suffering is nothing compared to the suffering He underwent on that cross and I am thankful that He did it all for me. And He did it all for you too readers. Take heart and know that He will be there for you as He is there for me. Loving me, guiding me, caring for me.
Thank you for your continued prayers readers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Life As A Mom Doesn't Stop When You Are Sick
I have been a mom for almost 13 years now. I should know this concept by now but for some reason whether its my stubbornness, my inability to learn this subject or my pig headiness I still have not learned that life will not and does not or wants to revolve around me! How fair is that readers? Its not like I feel like I am asking for much. All I want is for everything to fall right into place and revolve around my needs right now? Is that too much to ask for? Really? It is?! Don't you ever feel like this? I mean I am mom. For the past 13 years my life has had to revolve around these three beautiful children God blessed me with but sometimes I look and I say: "Really? Can't these little "angels" ever see that mom needs her time, mom needs to get better, mom needs five minutes of ME time and mom needs a break?!" Can't they see that readers? Let me save you the time right now and give you the answer. The answer is a resounding "OH HECK NAH!" Not only a no will do it is more of the emphasis you get when you say oh heck nah! Don't get me wrong readers my kids are wonderful and I love them dearly but well life goes on and so does all their stuff. My son is currently now with what seems to be a Spring Weather flu and poor little guy needs mom to take care of his needs. Problem with this is that mom is not feeling well either. Mom is weak, mom is sick and mom can some days find it hard to even lift her head up off the pillows in the morning because when she does the dizziness, the nausea and the just plain weakness kicks in. Then there is school work. For most moms this is not too big of a problem because even though they care deeply about their children's education they have their kids go to school but my kids are homeschooled. For the most part homeschooling works amazing for us but right now homeschooling is not easy. I have to be there to guide my children and right now they are teaching themselves. I am proud that they have this ability but this was never my vision for homeschooling where I was more of a hands off homeschool mom then one of the hands on type ones. I am grateful when we could I was able to get computer programs that would teach my kids what they needed to know but I like, correction I love to teach and by not teaching I feel sometimes I am a failure in this department. Even though my surgery is only a month away my husband and I have decided to enroll the kids next school year in online Public School. This way they get the instruction they need, they get the benefits of public school and they get to still have one on one as well and work at their pace. Wow I just sounded like the commercial they show on the TV but it is so true. My oldest daughter has such a busy life lately and I wish I could just take a break there too but that is not my life it is hers. Problem is her life is my life until she is 18 and out of my house (which I shudder to think of letting go. It is my biggest fear sometimes letting go). My daughter has her own babysitting business and can I say business has been BOOMING for her lately! Problem with business booming is that it booms in my house! LOL I love kids and kids are my life but when you are sick its not easy. Every week she has anywhere from one to three babysitting jobs all done in my home. I am not about to sit back and do nothing though while these kids are in my home so I play with them, I help her care for them, and even feed them. One day we had about 8 kids in this house at a time and I was just starting to feel sick then. Life does not stop readers even when you are sick. Last night was particularly difficult. My daughter is a part of the Civil Air Patrol here and so she had her weekly meeting last night. I do not take her to the meetings because that is something her and her father do together and I am all for that but I had a sick little boy yesterday, both my boy dogs were sick as well by the evening with the girl dog showing signs of starting to feel sick as well and I even thought I did not want to take my meds that I know make me sick to my stomach and weak but I had to take them and was not doing very well. I made dinner because hey you are supposed to feed your family after all and by the time my husband and daughter left there was a mess in my kitchen from all the dinner dishes that I had no energy to do, there was a mess in my living room of the clothes I washed and folded but could not put away because they are for my trip this weekend to Dallas, I will get into that further in my post, and there was pillows, covers and an array of medicines and such all over the place to take care of a sick boy and now three sick dogs. My husband took my daughter to Civil Air Patrol and I was ready to call it quits because I needed a break and did not get one. I was not upset at anyone for getting sick, after all how could I be when no one is to blame? No one asks to get sick but I was cranky to say the least and with the hormones crankiness can be dangerous because one minute I am composed even through the crankiness and the next I am crying because I am so tired and so worn down. My son now was running a fever, coughing and with a throat that hurt so bad that when he swallowed he was in tears but mixed with his ADHD and he could not sit still so I could not sit still because I was constantly trying to convince him to come back to the couch and lie down or go to his bed and lie down. The puppy on the other hand felt so sick yesterday all he wanted to do was lie down and that had me worried too. Needless to say today the puppy is running a muck all over the house and is playful because he is finally at the end stage of his cold while the other two are at the beginning of theirs. By the time my daughter and husband arrive at almost 9 pm (I have a feeling my husband stays back talking since every week they come home just a tad bit later than the week before and he loves all this military stuff and aviation stuff) I was a mess. I just finished watching my show and went straight to bed lasting only 5 minutes awake before crashing until this morning. Life doesn't stop even when we are sick!
Now for my Dallas trip. I am so excited and even nervous about this trip. I get to go with two amazing woman that I know I will enjoy every minute with but I am nervous because of my condition. This trip is for a convention for Youth Leaders and this is a field I am passionate about. So passionate that I am studying to lead Youth in Christian Education. Youth Ministry is my passion. But here is why I am so nervous right now. I can not remember when I got a break from being mom, from being wife, from being the house keeper, cook, nanny and butler all at the same time and I know even though this trip is about learning strategies to help with Youth it is essentially a break from the mundane of my every day life BUT I am sick. Not contagious sick or anything but I am weak, I am nauseous with these meds and I even get dizzy and thinking about all that gets me nervous. I do not want my friends to think that they have to go and take care of me at this conference and all so I have been praying and praying harder than I ever have before to be OK at the conference. I do notice when I am entertained I feel I don't concentrate on feeling sick so in this sense it is good that life doesn't stop when you are sick because the entertainment value helps me.
I have to learn to focus on the fact that even though I may not feel great at all times and I feel like I can't do it all at all times that I have someone I can lean on to help me through it all. I know I have amazing friends that tell me to tell them when I am not feeling well but that is just not me or even in my nature so I do not think to call anyone. My big head thinks I am Super Woman and that I can do it all. But that is not how it really is. I need help. Not always the help a friend can give me but help I know my God can give me because He and He alone can allow me to know that I can do all things because He gives me the strength to overcome all the obstacles this life refuses to stop throwing my way. Oh in the book of Matthew there is a passage for such times as this. Allow me to share them with you readers. It says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. Here we see what we are to do. We are to take it all to God. He will give us the rest we need. He will be the one to make life slow down enough for us to be able to withstand. When He tells us to take on his yoke for his burden is light it is because He and He alone can give us peace, give us strength, give us hope to withstand it all. Take heart readers and know that even though life doesn't just stop when we are sick, when we are tired, when we are overwhelmed we can lay at all at the cross and allow our God to withstand it all for us.
Thanks for reading along with me and for your continued prayers in my life and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Now for my Dallas trip. I am so excited and even nervous about this trip. I get to go with two amazing woman that I know I will enjoy every minute with but I am nervous because of my condition. This trip is for a convention for Youth Leaders and this is a field I am passionate about. So passionate that I am studying to lead Youth in Christian Education. Youth Ministry is my passion. But here is why I am so nervous right now. I can not remember when I got a break from being mom, from being wife, from being the house keeper, cook, nanny and butler all at the same time and I know even though this trip is about learning strategies to help with Youth it is essentially a break from the mundane of my every day life BUT I am sick. Not contagious sick or anything but I am weak, I am nauseous with these meds and I even get dizzy and thinking about all that gets me nervous. I do not want my friends to think that they have to go and take care of me at this conference and all so I have been praying and praying harder than I ever have before to be OK at the conference. I do notice when I am entertained I feel I don't concentrate on feeling sick so in this sense it is good that life doesn't stop when you are sick because the entertainment value helps me.
I have to learn to focus on the fact that even though I may not feel great at all times and I feel like I can't do it all at all times that I have someone I can lean on to help me through it all. I know I have amazing friends that tell me to tell them when I am not feeling well but that is just not me or even in my nature so I do not think to call anyone. My big head thinks I am Super Woman and that I can do it all. But that is not how it really is. I need help. Not always the help a friend can give me but help I know my God can give me because He and He alone can allow me to know that I can do all things because He gives me the strength to overcome all the obstacles this life refuses to stop throwing my way. Oh in the book of Matthew there is a passage for such times as this. Allow me to share them with you readers. It says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. Here we see what we are to do. We are to take it all to God. He will give us the rest we need. He will be the one to make life slow down enough for us to be able to withstand. When He tells us to take on his yoke for his burden is light it is because He and He alone can give us peace, give us strength, give us hope to withstand it all. Take heart readers and know that even though life doesn't just stop when we are sick, when we are tired, when we are overwhelmed we can lay at all at the cross and allow our God to withstand it all for us.
Thanks for reading along with me and for your continued prayers in my life and as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Surviving Treatment
Well readers I am so sorry that I have not posted anything in a couple of days. I went to the doctor on Monday to find out the staging of the tumor and it turns out that I am in Stage 1b of Uterine Cancer (there is a more complicated name for it but it just means Uterine Cancer so that is what I am going to go with. I received my surgery date for April 25th, no chemo and possibly radiation about a month after surgery if need be and for those who know me personally know that I am excited because I get to go to the Youth Leader Conference in Dallas at the end of this month YAY!!
I was however put on a cocktail of medicines to take from now until the surgery. I am on my diabetes medicine that they increased the dosage for now for me to take, I am on a pain med for all the pains I have been getting due to the tumor and I am on hormones. This combination the first day got me all loopy in the head. I mean I turned into a tween who would hear the word BUT and would start giggling uncontrollably because I thought they said BUTT. My kids could not stop laughing at me and kept trying to reenact the scene from Despicable Me where the minions are photo copying their butts and are laughing so hard. Here let me share my giggle with you:
Well I started the meds on Monday and had just a giggle fest and then went to dinner at a wonderful friends house which I was so grateful for her inviting us to her house for dinner because I really was not in the right frame of mind to make dinner since I was so high with my cocktail of meds. I told her how I just might have started cooking dinner with no clothes on since I was so high and with my track record of burning down kitchens I don't think cooking with no clothes on would have been a good thing. Could you imagine the look on the neighbors faces if I burned down my kitchen and running outside with no clothes on. Possibly running out in just my apron? Readers that is not a pretty sight!! So I was so grateful for the dinner invite even if the kids were all over the place and chasing me with a kitten (I'm allergic to cat hair) but it made me laugh so hard I did laugh like those minions in that youtube video. LOL
Yesterday I woke up and took my meds before leaving for co-op with my kids. I get to co-op and start feeling so sick. I lasted at the co-op because I really just love being surrounded by friends but I was not doing well. I finally get home and I am laid up with a messed up stomach and fevers. I have no idea what the fevers have to do with the meds but I do know my stomach is due to the hormones. I laid down in the living room surrounded by my kids and watched TV with them for as long as I could before I fell asleep. I wake up to find only my son "taking care of me" while watching his new favorite show Beyblade. I call to see when my husband would be home with dinner. He is about 40 minutes away and decides to play songs for me on the phone from the radio, sweet I am sure you are all thinking, but when your back is now in knots, your stomach is turning, your head is pounding and you are one second shivering cold and the next sweating with heat you are in no mood to hear Hip Hop music from the 90's! Maybe if he would have played soft sweet, romantic music but it was HIP HOP!! LOL. He gets home and I eat something so I can take my pain medicine and my sugar medicine and go to bed. I am in bed no later than 6:30! I fall asleep fast I do know that but I woke up again around 9 with a mouth that felt like I was eating sand. I needed water and fast but getting up was just not an option. I thank God my husband was getting himself ready to go to bed early and comes in. I ask him for water and then fall right back to sleep as he is telling me all about his PT yesterday. I am sure last night I won NO awards for wife of the year.
This morning I wake up around 7:30 to see what I affectionationatly call my King Tut. My husband sleeps completely wrapped up in his covers and I jumped. You see my husband usually wakes up around 4 to get ready and be at his morning PT by 6 and it was 7:30!! I was so worried because the Army is not someone you just oversleep to and not show up! I wake him up and he tells me that he does not have to be in till 9 thank goodness. He asks me how I am feeling and I tell him ok but once I get up from the bed I realize how wrong I truly am. I am so dizzy, so nauseaous, so weak. This is not good readers. I even allowed him to take the last bit of coffee without fighting. That is not me!! I start my whining and complaining about how I do not want to take these awful pills and he has to put his foot down, readers my husband rarely puts his foot down so this was a shocking thing to me, and tells me I have to take the pills because I need to get better. He then tells our son who is the only one awake to take care of his mom today for him. That was so sweet. So now I am sitting here writing my blog after I took those pills and made a little more coffee and am so grateful to have a man who loves me so much that he will tell me exactly what I do not want to hear so that I can get better not only for me but for him and our kids. My daughter, the oldest, wakes up and comes to check on me, she serves me some coffee, sits and talks with me and even checks me for a fever. Readers I am so blessed with my little family. They love me so much and even though they suffer when mom is sick they do not make me feel bad for needing to take care of me. My daughter even told me "ok when you finish your blog you go and lie down because you are not going to be good to anyone if you don't get any better". I am so blessed readers.
"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her" Proverbs 31:28. This is why I know how blessed I am with my family because they are like this with me.
Readers keep me in your prayers that I can withstand this treatment and thank you in advance for your prayers.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Yesterday I woke up and took my meds before leaving for co-op with my kids. I get to co-op and start feeling so sick. I lasted at the co-op because I really just love being surrounded by friends but I was not doing well. I finally get home and I am laid up with a messed up stomach and fevers. I have no idea what the fevers have to do with the meds but I do know my stomach is due to the hormones. I laid down in the living room surrounded by my kids and watched TV with them for as long as I could before I fell asleep. I wake up to find only my son "taking care of me" while watching his new favorite show Beyblade. I call to see when my husband would be home with dinner. He is about 40 minutes away and decides to play songs for me on the phone from the radio, sweet I am sure you are all thinking, but when your back is now in knots, your stomach is turning, your head is pounding and you are one second shivering cold and the next sweating with heat you are in no mood to hear Hip Hop music from the 90's! Maybe if he would have played soft sweet, romantic music but it was HIP HOP!! LOL. He gets home and I eat something so I can take my pain medicine and my sugar medicine and go to bed. I am in bed no later than 6:30! I fall asleep fast I do know that but I woke up again around 9 with a mouth that felt like I was eating sand. I needed water and fast but getting up was just not an option. I thank God my husband was getting himself ready to go to bed early and comes in. I ask him for water and then fall right back to sleep as he is telling me all about his PT yesterday. I am sure last night I won NO awards for wife of the year.
This morning I wake up around 7:30 to see what I affectionationatly call my King Tut. My husband sleeps completely wrapped up in his covers and I jumped. You see my husband usually wakes up around 4 to get ready and be at his morning PT by 6 and it was 7:30!! I was so worried because the Army is not someone you just oversleep to and not show up! I wake him up and he tells me that he does not have to be in till 9 thank goodness. He asks me how I am feeling and I tell him ok but once I get up from the bed I realize how wrong I truly am. I am so dizzy, so nauseaous, so weak. This is not good readers. I even allowed him to take the last bit of coffee without fighting. That is not me!! I start my whining and complaining about how I do not want to take these awful pills and he has to put his foot down, readers my husband rarely puts his foot down so this was a shocking thing to me, and tells me I have to take the pills because I need to get better. He then tells our son who is the only one awake to take care of his mom today for him. That was so sweet. So now I am sitting here writing my blog after I took those pills and made a little more coffee and am so grateful to have a man who loves me so much that he will tell me exactly what I do not want to hear so that I can get better not only for me but for him and our kids. My daughter, the oldest, wakes up and comes to check on me, she serves me some coffee, sits and talks with me and even checks me for a fever. Readers I am so blessed with my little family. They love me so much and even though they suffer when mom is sick they do not make me feel bad for needing to take care of me. My daughter even told me "ok when you finish your blog you go and lie down because you are not going to be good to anyone if you don't get any better". I am so blessed readers.
"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her" Proverbs 31:28. This is why I know how blessed I am with my family because they are like this with me.
Readers keep me in your prayers that I can withstand this treatment and thank you in advance for your prayers.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Surviving with Humor
Readers my husband and my kids are hilarious! I ask them for ideas of what to write about since for some reason, maybe because of my lack of sleep or because of the pain I have been having this past week, I can not come up with ANYTHING! Nothing at all! How is it that a woman who seems to never be lost for words, at least in my head, has NOTHING to say. I am sure my husband and my kids would agree that me being at a loss for words is uncharacteristic of me! I always have something to say!! So I ask my wonderful husband and my amazing trio of kids what should I write about? Want to hear their ideas readers? OK here we go.
My son starts dancing the Egyptian with a fishy face on and said "write about surviving this mom!" LOL he is a child who has ADHD and is a bucket full of energy on any given minute of the day. How do you survive a child who has more energy than an energizer battery? How do you cope when you at times wish you could have even one iota of the energy he has so you can keep up with him? Perseverance readers, perseverance. So much of it that I at times do not believe I have it at all. Let's put it this way readers I don't believe I have any since I can not even spell the word. Thank God for spell check readers. Thank God. But my son is amazing readers. Not just cause he is my son but he is so wonderful. He is hyper and there are days when I am ready to pass out on the couch because I am so exhausted with him but he has such a kind heart. He has such a loving disposition. He loves me so much that he wants to sit still on my lap at the age of 9 and watch TV with me while we cuddle. I do not know many 9 years olds who still love their mommies so much. He has such a heart that I know he will take the world by storm and he will right injustices along his way because he is always the one who roots for the underdog. He brings a smile to my face and he has learned how to make me laugh by just making that fishy face and dancing either by doing the Egyptian or dancing with a fishy face and copying Michael Jackson's Thriller dance. He is so funny. He is smart, he is loving and I know that I am doing right by him because he one day will grow up to be a Godly man. Proverbs 22:6 tells us "Raise a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." I know my boy will always serve the Lord even if he is serving him while making others laugh dancing around with a fishy face.
My younger daughter she is the family clown. The faces she makes along with the voices she does makes even the most serious person around laugh and laugh till they can no longer laugh! She has this fascination with Llamas lately. One they are funny looking. They really are. If you have never seen a Llama google one right now. You will not regret it because they will make you laugh!! Now her fascination with Llamas to some may be rather disturbing but she wants to experiment with making a Llama go boom boom! I know deep down that she does not really want to do this but she does make all her jokes about Llamas going boom boom! Now she says it in this little, little girl voice who is extremely polite and wants to make a Llama explode. It throws you off guard and you can not help but laugh. When I asked about what I should write about her response was in that tiny little girl voice "How about you write about how to survive a Llama going boom boom?" LOL oh readers this child is too funny. But you know what she is so creative. She can write and she is so good at writing! She can take something as mundane as writing about a President and make you so enthralled in her writing. She even decided in her Bible Class at Co-Op to write the Parable of the Exploding Llama! LOL Her teacher ran to me laughing to read the Parable out loud in front of all the moms. Something that for a minute was embarrassing and once the minute was over I realized how funny it was and a sense of pride hit me. She is so creative!! Readers my daughter is 11 years old and even though I know deep down how smart she is she also has retained a child like innocence. I love that! Now a days it is so rare to have an 11 year old have child like innocence and it is special to me that she still has it. Matthew 18: 3 says: "And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Her humor and her innocence are priceless readers. She makes me laugh even when my stubborn self thinks I do not want to laugh at all. She makes a silly face, speaks with a silly voice and I am bouncing up and down with laughter. If you know me you know one I laugh and laugh with my whole body and two I LOVE TO LAUGH!
Than comes my oldest daughter. Readers she is 12 going on 21! She is funny though. Her humor has developed in a more teen angst type of humor. When asked what I should write about this was her comment: "Why don't you write about surviving putting your used sugar packets in the trash?" LOL You see readers I am a huge (and this is no pun on my size here) coffeeholic! I will go get my coffee every morning, every mid morning, every afternoon, and every late afternoon and when I serve my coffee I ALWAYS leave the sweetener packets open and empty on the counter next to coffee maker. She always goes behind me like my mom and calls my attention to the fact that I left them on the counter. Every day all day long. Let me clarify something readers not too long ago was I having to go behind my husband and my kids picking up everything after them and when I say not too long ago I mean just this past week. So I leave sugar packets out. Truth be told readers since I feel I want to be 100% honest with you all. I get my kicks out of doing that! It cracks me up to see her go in the kitchen and see the sugar packets and her roll her eyes and say: "mami what is this?!" Like I would tell them when they leave something lying around!! LOL but my daughter has become such an amazing young woman and I know one day she is going to make an amazing mother, after all she is learning from me.... LOL. She just broke an argument between her siblings and told them "now say you are sorry and hug and kiss each other". I say that ALL THE TIME! I am proud of my daughter. She is so amazing, so responsible and so caring. She has taken up the reins in this house especially now that I am sick and I know that she will grow up to be an amazing woman one day. "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." Proverbs 20:11. Her conduct, her reputation is what people know of her and she even with the teen angst humor is such a great kid.
Now comes my husband. OH LORD help me because he is the silliest of them all. If you all think my children are silly than you should all see my husband. Let's put it this way he is the man who at the church's valentines day dinner during the Karaoke stands up behind his daughter at the Karaoke machine to do background dancing, I was even surprised when he got the Pastor to join him in the dancing. My husband goes and dances around the house just to make me laugh or to make the kids laugh. My husband is notorious for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and in the wrong context and when you tell him that he just says: "You know what I mean!" Readers let me enlighten you on a little something: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HE MEANS... LOL. When faced with the question what I should write about he said: "Why not write about surviving an exploded uterus!" OK let me give you a bit of back story on this one here. About 5 minutes before I asked the family this question I had sneezed and sneezed so hard that with all the pain I have been having this sneeze really hurt. I said joking: "Oh I think my uterus just exploded with this sneeze!" That is why my husband suggested I write about that! LOL. He is so funny. He is so supportive too. He knows I am going through my own personal hell here with the pain from all the doctors probing, from the fear of what might come, from the pain again (it is really painful and so I thought it deemed mentioning twice...LOL), and from the emotions I have been going through. My husband is so wonderful that he even asked for the time off tomorrow to come with me to the doctor because if I get bad news he wants to be there for me. I told him last night that I am happy he is going to be there in the waiting room for me. He looks at me and says: "the waiting room?!?!" I said yes! The rooms back there are tiny and you get into everything and drive me insane that by the time the doctor comes in they are going to have to wheel me straight to the Phychiatric Ward because of you! LOL I told him wait for me and afterwards we will get us a cup of coffee and talk about what the doctor said. Colossians 3:14 says it all for us: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity".
Readers thank you for reading along with my family silliness. I hope it all brought a laugh to you as it does to me and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
My son starts dancing the Egyptian with a fishy face on and said "write about surviving this mom!" LOL he is a child who has ADHD and is a bucket full of energy on any given minute of the day. How do you survive a child who has more energy than an energizer battery? How do you cope when you at times wish you could have even one iota of the energy he has so you can keep up with him? Perseverance readers, perseverance. So much of it that I at times do not believe I have it at all. Let's put it this way readers I don't believe I have any since I can not even spell the word. Thank God for spell check readers. Thank God. But my son is amazing readers. Not just cause he is my son but he is so wonderful. He is hyper and there are days when I am ready to pass out on the couch because I am so exhausted with him but he has such a kind heart. He has such a loving disposition. He loves me so much that he wants to sit still on my lap at the age of 9 and watch TV with me while we cuddle. I do not know many 9 years olds who still love their mommies so much. He has such a heart that I know he will take the world by storm and he will right injustices along his way because he is always the one who roots for the underdog. He brings a smile to my face and he has learned how to make me laugh by just making that fishy face and dancing either by doing the Egyptian or dancing with a fishy face and copying Michael Jackson's Thriller dance. He is so funny. He is smart, he is loving and I know that I am doing right by him because he one day will grow up to be a Godly man. Proverbs 22:6 tells us "Raise a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." I know my boy will always serve the Lord even if he is serving him while making others laugh dancing around with a fishy face.
My younger daughter she is the family clown. The faces she makes along with the voices she does makes even the most serious person around laugh and laugh till they can no longer laugh! She has this fascination with Llamas lately. One they are funny looking. They really are. If you have never seen a Llama google one right now. You will not regret it because they will make you laugh!! Now her fascination with Llamas to some may be rather disturbing but she wants to experiment with making a Llama go boom boom! I know deep down that she does not really want to do this but she does make all her jokes about Llamas going boom boom! Now she says it in this little, little girl voice who is extremely polite and wants to make a Llama explode. It throws you off guard and you can not help but laugh. When I asked about what I should write about her response was in that tiny little girl voice "How about you write about how to survive a Llama going boom boom?" LOL oh readers this child is too funny. But you know what she is so creative. She can write and she is so good at writing! She can take something as mundane as writing about a President and make you so enthralled in her writing. She even decided in her Bible Class at Co-Op to write the Parable of the Exploding Llama! LOL Her teacher ran to me laughing to read the Parable out loud in front of all the moms. Something that for a minute was embarrassing and once the minute was over I realized how funny it was and a sense of pride hit me. She is so creative!! Readers my daughter is 11 years old and even though I know deep down how smart she is she also has retained a child like innocence. I love that! Now a days it is so rare to have an 11 year old have child like innocence and it is special to me that she still has it. Matthew 18: 3 says: "And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Her humor and her innocence are priceless readers. She makes me laugh even when my stubborn self thinks I do not want to laugh at all. She makes a silly face, speaks with a silly voice and I am bouncing up and down with laughter. If you know me you know one I laugh and laugh with my whole body and two I LOVE TO LAUGH!
Than comes my oldest daughter. Readers she is 12 going on 21! She is funny though. Her humor has developed in a more teen angst type of humor. When asked what I should write about this was her comment: "Why don't you write about surviving putting your used sugar packets in the trash?" LOL You see readers I am a huge (and this is no pun on my size here) coffeeholic! I will go get my coffee every morning, every mid morning, every afternoon, and every late afternoon and when I serve my coffee I ALWAYS leave the sweetener packets open and empty on the counter next to coffee maker. She always goes behind me like my mom and calls my attention to the fact that I left them on the counter. Every day all day long. Let me clarify something readers not too long ago was I having to go behind my husband and my kids picking up everything after them and when I say not too long ago I mean just this past week. So I leave sugar packets out. Truth be told readers since I feel I want to be 100% honest with you all. I get my kicks out of doing that! It cracks me up to see her go in the kitchen and see the sugar packets and her roll her eyes and say: "mami what is this?!" Like I would tell them when they leave something lying around!! LOL but my daughter has become such an amazing young woman and I know one day she is going to make an amazing mother, after all she is learning from me.... LOL. She just broke an argument between her siblings and told them "now say you are sorry and hug and kiss each other". I say that ALL THE TIME! I am proud of my daughter. She is so amazing, so responsible and so caring. She has taken up the reins in this house especially now that I am sick and I know that she will grow up to be an amazing woman one day. "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." Proverbs 20:11. Her conduct, her reputation is what people know of her and she even with the teen angst humor is such a great kid.
Now comes my husband. OH LORD help me because he is the silliest of them all. If you all think my children are silly than you should all see my husband. Let's put it this way he is the man who at the church's valentines day dinner during the Karaoke stands up behind his daughter at the Karaoke machine to do background dancing, I was even surprised when he got the Pastor to join him in the dancing. My husband goes and dances around the house just to make me laugh or to make the kids laugh. My husband is notorious for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and in the wrong context and when you tell him that he just says: "You know what I mean!" Readers let me enlighten you on a little something: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HE MEANS... LOL. When faced with the question what I should write about he said: "Why not write about surviving an exploded uterus!" OK let me give you a bit of back story on this one here. About 5 minutes before I asked the family this question I had sneezed and sneezed so hard that with all the pain I have been having this sneeze really hurt. I said joking: "Oh I think my uterus just exploded with this sneeze!" That is why my husband suggested I write about that! LOL. He is so funny. He is so supportive too. He knows I am going through my own personal hell here with the pain from all the doctors probing, from the fear of what might come, from the pain again (it is really painful and so I thought it deemed mentioning twice...LOL), and from the emotions I have been going through. My husband is so wonderful that he even asked for the time off tomorrow to come with me to the doctor because if I get bad news he wants to be there for me. I told him last night that I am happy he is going to be there in the waiting room for me. He looks at me and says: "the waiting room?!?!" I said yes! The rooms back there are tiny and you get into everything and drive me insane that by the time the doctor comes in they are going to have to wheel me straight to the Phychiatric Ward because of you! LOL I told him wait for me and afterwards we will get us a cup of coffee and talk about what the doctor said. Colossians 3:14 says it all for us: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity".
Readers thank you for reading along with my family silliness. I hope it all brought a laugh to you as it does to me and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
How Do You Survive Hurtful Words
Readers the past couple of days have been so hard on me. Yes I celebrated my anniversary with my husband but we didn't really celebrate at all because for the past couple of days my heart little by little feels like it has been broken. Broken by hurtful words. Broken by ignorance and broken because even though the hurtful words pierced a dagger in my heart the one wielding the dagger is someone who I love terribly. Someone who I love with that heart that was pierced.
I have taken an approach to my situation, my life that apparently goes against the Status Quo. I can not apologize and I will refuse to apologize for coping the best way I know how and that is through humor. I have seen on Facebook time and time again a quote that fits my situation perfectly right now and please allow me to share it with you even though I know most everyone is on Facebook and has probably seen this quote time and time again but it fits my situation perfectly right now. It says "I am only responsible for what I say, not what you understand." Apparently my humor about my own situation has offended, has bothered, and has allowed my dagger wielding person to not accept that this is my life, it is happening to me and not them, and I am tired of walking on egg shells about something that is my life.
Let me clarify something here readers I am a loving and caring individual but when attacked for something that I feel has no merit to be attacked on I can and I will get defensive. I am the one going through this right now. I feel I am allowed to talk about my situation. I have this blog and I love that others are reading it. That others maybe just possibly could see that I am going through this and that if they are going through the same or similar that they can find some support here. I was told I have endless posts about cancer. Readers this is what I am going through right now and so it is what I talk about. But if you have read my blog you know that they are not ALL about cancer. Most are but I am also a mother and so I write about my children, I am a homeschool educator and I write about homeschooling, I am a wife and a military spouse and I have talked about my marriage. I am a Christian and ALL my blog posts talk about Christ and how I go to him and lean on him for support. I was told that I complain too much and that this is life so to pretty much suck it up and just deal with life without complaining about every little thing. I was told if only I would put myself in others shoes I would not joke about cancer. I know I have not complained to the extent of someone telling me that I complain too much. If you are physically around me you know that when asked how I am doing, and it always gets asked the same way, with a sad look in the eyes, soft tones and sympathetic head tilt, I always say I am ok and if I state something I am "complaining" about it is that I am tired. I am tired readers! I am tired because I have a house, I have three kids, I have three dogs, I have a life that guess what I am dealing with. I was told than too that I seem to just want attention. This blog is my thoughts. My way to communicate what I am feeling because I am not good at always vocalizing myself. Do I have readers on this blog? Yes but I am not blogging just to draw attention to myself I am blogging to let out my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. For those who know me personally you know I do not question you: "Hey did you read my blog?" If you come up to me and talk to me about my blog I will most definitely talk back and strike up a conversation regarding it but I do not initiate. If I were seeking all this attention I would bring it up in every type of human interaction that I have and yet I don't.
I was told that they do not appreciate that I am claiming the cancer. OK a part me can understand this. This person loves me and does not want to hear that I have cancer but how can I not claim it? It is what is happening and I can not deny it. Do I say that I am claiming the cancer will take me? I am in every chance I get saying that I will NOT allow it to defeat me but it is there. I am fighting but I claim it is there. It is like us saying there is no devil or no evil in this world. There is! To know that there is a God you also know that there is a devil as well. I am claiming the fact that there is a devil and in my case right now my demon is the demon of infirmary, of cancer. But I am also claiming that my God in heaven is stronger than that. I know my God will heal me and there is absolutely NO doubt in my mind that he will. I know that I will have healing in one way or another whether the healing comes from surgery, comes from Chemo, Radiation, Hormone therapy or even a MIRACLE. I know I will be healed but I will not deny that I have what I have just so others can feel better about the situation. Denying something does not give you power over it. Denying something makes you weaker to it. I claim healing over the illness I have because I know I will have my power that way.
The last part that hurt readers is the fact that I have been deemed needless drama. I have deemed as something to ignore because you do not want to hear about my situation and my coping and the worse part is if it were a random person off the street I wouldn't bat and eye but I am deemed this by a person I love. So how do you survive hurtful words such as this? Prayer, Prayer, Prayer and the Word. God is the one who helps. I have never felt a depression before, not really. I have been sad and sadder than most times before but depression is not something I can say I had ever fully felt until now. I do not want to have to go and get what is pleasantly referred to as "happy pills" and if only I could afford with the money and the time to go see a Therapist but I know I have the best therapist around and He is God. I have the best "happy pills" around that is through prayer and immersing myself in the Word. Allow me now to share some of my "happy pills" with you all now: Psalm 34:17 tells us this: "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles." I am crying out to my Lord and He will deliver me from this. I know that. I know He is the same today, yesterday and always and if He delivered David of his troubles than He will deliver me out of mine. Isaiah an amazing prophet of God tells us in Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." I am currently going through the fire with these hurtful words. I am currently feeling like the waters will take me and I will be swept under by it all but again why would I doubt that God would not do the same for me as He has done for others. He will lift me up when I am weak, when I am downhearted and when I am struggling to stay positive. He as I have said time and time again is my fortress through it all. And the passage that has just brighten me up so much because it says that it is ok to be ok. It is ok to be lighthearted, to be overjoyed because I know one day His glory will shine through in my life is 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Readers I have felt these past couple of days alienated from my loved ones because of the hurtful words. I have gone through the pain and the suffering by myself because when I felt that I wanted to reach out and talk to them I couldn't but I through feeling this way. I have a God who will be my side always holding me up. I have an amazing husband who tells me that he loves me when I feel like I am not loved. I have a sister who calls to check up on me when I feel sick, in pain or even just sad and I have great friends who laugh alongside me even when I make light of my current situation. And I have you readers who I know are walking along with me in my journey. I have all that I need in that.
Readers thanks for your continued prayers for me. Readers thanks for your support of me and as always remember to
Be Blessed in HIM
I have taken an approach to my situation, my life that apparently goes against the Status Quo. I can not apologize and I will refuse to apologize for coping the best way I know how and that is through humor. I have seen on Facebook time and time again a quote that fits my situation perfectly right now and please allow me to share it with you even though I know most everyone is on Facebook and has probably seen this quote time and time again but it fits my situation perfectly right now. It says "I am only responsible for what I say, not what you understand." Apparently my humor about my own situation has offended, has bothered, and has allowed my dagger wielding person to not accept that this is my life, it is happening to me and not them, and I am tired of walking on egg shells about something that is my life.
Let me clarify something here readers I am a loving and caring individual but when attacked for something that I feel has no merit to be attacked on I can and I will get defensive. I am the one going through this right now. I feel I am allowed to talk about my situation. I have this blog and I love that others are reading it. That others maybe just possibly could see that I am going through this and that if they are going through the same or similar that they can find some support here. I was told I have endless posts about cancer. Readers this is what I am going through right now and so it is what I talk about. But if you have read my blog you know that they are not ALL about cancer. Most are but I am also a mother and so I write about my children, I am a homeschool educator and I write about homeschooling, I am a wife and a military spouse and I have talked about my marriage. I am a Christian and ALL my blog posts talk about Christ and how I go to him and lean on him for support. I was told that I complain too much and that this is life so to pretty much suck it up and just deal with life without complaining about every little thing. I was told if only I would put myself in others shoes I would not joke about cancer. I know I have not complained to the extent of someone telling me that I complain too much. If you are physically around me you know that when asked how I am doing, and it always gets asked the same way, with a sad look in the eyes, soft tones and sympathetic head tilt, I always say I am ok and if I state something I am "complaining" about it is that I am tired. I am tired readers! I am tired because I have a house, I have three kids, I have three dogs, I have a life that guess what I am dealing with. I was told than too that I seem to just want attention. This blog is my thoughts. My way to communicate what I am feeling because I am not good at always vocalizing myself. Do I have readers on this blog? Yes but I am not blogging just to draw attention to myself I am blogging to let out my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. For those who know me personally you know I do not question you: "Hey did you read my blog?" If you come up to me and talk to me about my blog I will most definitely talk back and strike up a conversation regarding it but I do not initiate. If I were seeking all this attention I would bring it up in every type of human interaction that I have and yet I don't.
I was told that they do not appreciate that I am claiming the cancer. OK a part me can understand this. This person loves me and does not want to hear that I have cancer but how can I not claim it? It is what is happening and I can not deny it. Do I say that I am claiming the cancer will take me? I am in every chance I get saying that I will NOT allow it to defeat me but it is there. I am fighting but I claim it is there. It is like us saying there is no devil or no evil in this world. There is! To know that there is a God you also know that there is a devil as well. I am claiming the fact that there is a devil and in my case right now my demon is the demon of infirmary, of cancer. But I am also claiming that my God in heaven is stronger than that. I know my God will heal me and there is absolutely NO doubt in my mind that he will. I know that I will have healing in one way or another whether the healing comes from surgery, comes from Chemo, Radiation, Hormone therapy or even a MIRACLE. I know I will be healed but I will not deny that I have what I have just so others can feel better about the situation. Denying something does not give you power over it. Denying something makes you weaker to it. I claim healing over the illness I have because I know I will have my power that way.
The last part that hurt readers is the fact that I have been deemed needless drama. I have deemed as something to ignore because you do not want to hear about my situation and my coping and the worse part is if it were a random person off the street I wouldn't bat and eye but I am deemed this by a person I love. So how do you survive hurtful words such as this? Prayer, Prayer, Prayer and the Word. God is the one who helps. I have never felt a depression before, not really. I have been sad and sadder than most times before but depression is not something I can say I had ever fully felt until now. I do not want to have to go and get what is pleasantly referred to as "happy pills" and if only I could afford with the money and the time to go see a Therapist but I know I have the best therapist around and He is God. I have the best "happy pills" around that is through prayer and immersing myself in the Word. Allow me now to share some of my "happy pills" with you all now: Psalm 34:17 tells us this: "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles." I am crying out to my Lord and He will deliver me from this. I know that. I know He is the same today, yesterday and always and if He delivered David of his troubles than He will deliver me out of mine. Isaiah an amazing prophet of God tells us in Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." I am currently going through the fire with these hurtful words. I am currently feeling like the waters will take me and I will be swept under by it all but again why would I doubt that God would not do the same for me as He has done for others. He will lift me up when I am weak, when I am downhearted and when I am struggling to stay positive. He as I have said time and time again is my fortress through it all. And the passage that has just brighten me up so much because it says that it is ok to be ok. It is ok to be lighthearted, to be overjoyed because I know one day His glory will shine through in my life is 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Readers I have felt these past couple of days alienated from my loved ones because of the hurtful words. I have gone through the pain and the suffering by myself because when I felt that I wanted to reach out and talk to them I couldn't but I through feeling this way. I have a God who will be my side always holding me up. I have an amazing husband who tells me that he loves me when I feel like I am not loved. I have a sister who calls to check up on me when I feel sick, in pain or even just sad and I have great friends who laugh alongside me even when I make light of my current situation. And I have you readers who I know are walking along with me in my journey. I have all that I need in that.
Readers thanks for your continued prayers for me. Readers thanks for your support of me and as always remember to
Be Blessed in HIM
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Marriage
Readers today is my 13th Wedding Anniversary! Looking back it has surely been an adventure. You see readers I met my husband through a "blind date" by mutual friends. I remember when I first saw my husband, I saw him and he was everything I thought I did not want! LOL. He was short and even though I am short I thought my future husband would be tall! He, well, how do I put this lightly, he has a nose that doesn't quit! LOL I don't think I put that so lightly. And I remember always saying I would never like a Pinocchio! LOL. He has amazing green eyes but to be honest I never noticed them at first because of the height, the nose and he was dressed like some hoodlum off the street! How did I end up with this man and boy did I end up with him. That first night readers he was so funny and that is what I think really won my heart and my attention. He used the cheesiest pick up line I ever heard. He kept insisting that he had seen me before even with my constant insistance that we never had met before. Since that first night we were together. His silliness, his smile, and finally his eyes won me over and the truth is I was putty in the man's hands since day one. I even tell my daughters today that a man's looks, his bank roll, his suaveness can all fade away but a man who can make you laugh will make you laugh till the day you die.
We had a whirlwind romance. We were married just 4 months after we met and today we celebrate 13 years together. We were both so young and carefree when we got married. I still remember the day like it was just yesterday. I was working for the High School and decided that since I could not take vacation time yet but wanted to give myself a "honeymoon" I chose to get married the Saturday before Spring Break. Much to my dismay there was two flaws to this plan. One was that Saturday before Spring Break was the Calle Ocho concert series in Florida and everyone, almost everyone, went to Miami for the Concerts instead of coming to our wedding and even though I had a week off for Spring Break my new husband had started a new job about a month before the wedding so he had NO time off. We had a very small wedding. I would guesstimate about 50 people in attendance. I picked absolutely nothing for my wedding except for my headpiece and veil. This was us on our wedding day:
The dress was beautiful but it was borrowed from a friend. I did love that train though. I made me feel like a real princess since it was rather a long train. Right before leaving for the church for my wedding I am in my wedding dress and as you can see it was huge! I was walking out of my bedroom thinking I was headed straight to the church to become Mrs. Perez and had even done the look at my room, you know the look readers, the one where you look lovingly at your things and say your sorrowful goodbye when there is a knock at our front door. I wondered who the heck could this be? Whoever it is should know to go straight to the church but as my father opens the door he tells me to turn around and head back to my room. My groom was at the door. OK readers a small part of me thought he was there to call off the wedding and panic sinked in as I waited in my bedroom with my Maid of Honor. About 10 minutes past when my mom comes in to get us. She giggles and tells me he did not know how to tie his bow tie of his tux so he came to have my dad help him with it since he did not have his parents around to be with him. My very small court of bridesmaids and groomsmen (2 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen 1 maid of honor and best man and my witnesses along with 2 flower girls) walk down the aisle and it is my turn. My daddy walks me down to my groom when I noticed that everyone but him is facing me. So weird! Apparently the Pastor told him to wait to see me until he asks the question: "And who gives this woman to this man".... or something like that. I could just imagine the thoughts running through his mind. I can just imagine him thinking back to his childhood and remembering the story of Jacob in Sunday School who wanted to marry Rachel but first got Leah because she was the oldest. Poor guy must have thought will it really be her under that veil after I say "I Do?" LOL. Once my father gave me away to him though all I could notice was the fear in his face and eyes. Truth be told readers the man did not look at my face until the end when the Pastor had us face the congregation and said "I now present you with Mr and Mrs Perez you may now kiss the bride." I wonder if he thought wow am I ready for this? Or if he mentally was planning his escape during the ceremony, had the exit strategy planned out, or maybe he was willing someone with his mind to speak now and not hold their peace but he was so nervous. At the reception was when his smile came back and I once again remembered why I was in love with this man that was now my husband. My husband that was something I could not get over hearing at first. Its weird to hear it when your entire life you have been single, living your life your way, doing what you wanted to do and now there was a husband you had to include into your life, your thought process, your decisions. We barely had any money and we received just enough at our wedding to get one night at a hotel down the street from my parents house but not even the honeymoon suite just a regular suite. That was our honeymoon. We spent one night together at the hotel then went to my parents house the next day to eat lunch and dinner with them before going home to our new apartment. I spent my Spring Break, honeymoon, alone in our apartment while my husband worked. But hey at least he would come home every night for dinner back then. Now a days I can not always guarantee the Army will let him come home in time for dinner.
This past year I wanted to renew our vows since even though we had a wedding we never had the wedding we wanted. I never got to dance with him or even my father. I never picked out a single thing in regards to the music, decor, the dress, the bridesmaid dresses, the food, the cake or even the flavors. I wanted to plan my own wedding. I actually wanted to renew my vows at our 10 year anniversary but we couldn't afford it than so I decided we should renew for our 11th year Anniversary but that did not happen since my husband enlisted into the Army.
Then for our 12th anniversary we were packing up everything and moving to Fort Bliss, TX 1,700 miles away from our family and friends. We have had a rollercoaster of a marriage. Before our one year anniversary we were parents. We have three kids all roughly 18-19 months apart from each other. We moved from apartment, to house to house while we rented. We packed up our lives once and moved away to South Texas where we lived for roughly two years apart from everyone. There my husband gave me such a wonderful gift. He bought us both a new set of wedding rings since I did not even pick out my original ones. We got them with crosses on them because we love that we were putting God in our marriage:
Aren't they beautiful?
I moved back home with my parents and my kids while my husband went to Basic Training and AIT and he was away from us for about 6- 7 months. This next picture was when he came home for what is called Christmas Exodus from AIT:
Oh that was such a great surprise we gave to our kids. We surprised them by putting daddy inside a large Christmas present box and had them open their "gift". It was just awesome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQsCVaO-UMg
Now we are here thirteen years later stronger than ever before. We have faced trials and tribulations, we have faced sorrows and joys, we have overcome so much even a deployment after a very short reunion together. This was our happiness when he returned from deployment.
And of course my joy as well LOL:
Point being that I am glad that I did not let my insecurities stop me from marrying the man who gave me a life that may be hard at times but one I would never trade for anything.
Our Pastor has been preaching on Ephesians lately. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word" Ephesians 5:22-26. As our Pastor put it submitting to your husband readers is not a four letter word and truth be told as our Pastor stated if a husband loves his wife the way Christ loves the church, I mean Christ gave his life for us, than how hard can it really be to submit to a man who loves you as much as that? I hope you all have a wonderful day and that all of you find happiness, joy and love as I have in the man God had for me.
Be Blessed in HIM!
We had a whirlwind romance. We were married just 4 months after we met and today we celebrate 13 years together. We were both so young and carefree when we got married. I still remember the day like it was just yesterday. I was working for the High School and decided that since I could not take vacation time yet but wanted to give myself a "honeymoon" I chose to get married the Saturday before Spring Break. Much to my dismay there was two flaws to this plan. One was that Saturday before Spring Break was the Calle Ocho concert series in Florida and everyone, almost everyone, went to Miami for the Concerts instead of coming to our wedding and even though I had a week off for Spring Break my new husband had started a new job about a month before the wedding so he had NO time off. We had a very small wedding. I would guesstimate about 50 people in attendance. I picked absolutely nothing for my wedding except for my headpiece and veil. This was us on our wedding day:
This past year I wanted to renew our vows since even though we had a wedding we never had the wedding we wanted. I never got to dance with him or even my father. I never picked out a single thing in regards to the music, decor, the dress, the bridesmaid dresses, the food, the cake or even the flavors. I wanted to plan my own wedding. I actually wanted to renew my vows at our 10 year anniversary but we couldn't afford it than so I decided we should renew for our 11th year Anniversary but that did not happen since my husband enlisted into the Army.
I moved back home with my parents and my kids while my husband went to Basic Training and AIT and he was away from us for about 6- 7 months. This next picture was when he came home for what is called Christmas Exodus from AIT:
Now we are here thirteen years later stronger than ever before. We have faced trials and tribulations, we have faced sorrows and joys, we have overcome so much even a deployment after a very short reunion together. This was our happiness when he returned from deployment.
Our Pastor has been preaching on Ephesians lately. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word" Ephesians 5:22-26. As our Pastor put it submitting to your husband readers is not a four letter word and truth be told as our Pastor stated if a husband loves his wife the way Christ loves the church, I mean Christ gave his life for us, than how hard can it really be to submit to a man who loves you as much as that? I hope you all have a wonderful day and that all of you find happiness, joy and love as I have in the man God had for me.
Be Blessed in HIM!
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