What a year 2012 has been. There have been so many memorable moments. From ups to downs. From having my personal aha moments to my come to Jesus moments to even the ha ha ha moments in my life. I don't know about you readers but I am grateful that all things have a season. Even the good things. I love, absolutely love my children but I am so grateful that they are the age they are now. Even though I joke and tease them saying how I missed their baby years I am so glad not to be in that stage of my life right now. I am so grateful for no longer having to worry about midnight feedings, about 2 am diaper changes where your eyes are half closed so you leave one little butt cheek out in the wind because at that time of the morning the concept of those little tape things do not seem to be understandable. Or what about the boy and getting sprayed right in the forehead because you did not have enough foresight to cover him up before the cold air hit him so now you have pee running down your face all while you try to find a wipe to clean off your face. No I do not miss that in the slightest. Now when I want my baby fix I just get it at work with my little ones but my nights are filled with sweet, sweet dreams instead of bottles and diapers.
2012 has had its moments. It has taught me so much and has given me wonderful blessings and even trials and tribulations but it all comes for a season.
JANUARY: well we were in an adjustment period at this time in our lives as we were getting used to having dad back home from Iraq and getting used to family life, time and schedule again. But by this time we were adjusting rather beautifully thank God.
FEBRUARY: my second daughter turned 11 and became a member of our churches Youth Group. This was an adjustment for her but one she is doing beautifully with now. I began blogging my journey about my life. And my youth group participated in their very first 30 hour famine where we exceeded the funds we hoped to raise for World Vision to help starving children.
MARCH: Sammy and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have had a marriage of ups and downs but our love keeps us going strong. I received my Uterine Cancer diagnosis. Was placed on hormones (hate hormones by the way!) and went to my very first ever Youth leader conference (hope its not my last cause I enjoyed it even while sick) to Dallas. Never been to DALLAS!
APRIL: I had my hysterectomy which pushed me into full blown menopause at the age of 34. My mom came to stay with me for a week to care for me. My children and husband had to learn what life without mom being able to do it all was like.
MAY: OK May was fun. Our church hosted a "I kicked cancer's butt" party and they had Jeff Anderson who I love how he sings and Esterlyn who my daughter loves how they sing perform at our church. It was awesome. We also wrapped up the homeschool year and the kids did wonderfully! I also began radiation.
JUNE: Ooh ooh June was fun too! We went on a retreat paid for by the Army to Ruidoso, NM and it is beautiful over there. And on our way home we saw snow, snow in JUNE?!?! And we saw all these different wild animals and then we came home and participated in our first ever Relay for Life. Something that we will make a yearly event always. I finished radiation.
JULY: I started job searching and received a job here on base but it took longer than a month for them to process my paperwork and give me my start date. I also got my very first fun hairstyle with the blue green streaks. And my sister ended the month by coming to visit with her husband and I met my nephew for the first time ever!
AUGUST: I got my job at the daycare. A job I feel I was meant to have. Something that I know I am good at. My oldest turned 13 years old! Big milestone. All my kids began Public School.
SEPTEMBER: I turned 35. I found out my husband was deploying with a month and a half notice. September was not a good month.
OCTOBER: we were getting ready to say goodbye again to my husband. Then my in-laws came to visit us. I was diagnosed once again with cancer but this time in the Ovaries. And I got my new temperpedic bed. Halloween night was our last night with my husband and the memories of that night I believe we will remember always. Also the night before he left my husband finally got down on bended knee and gave me the proposal I had been waiting 13 years for.
NOVEMBER: we said goodbye to husband. He re-enlisted for another 3 years. Very emotional and hard day. We celebrated husband's birthday for the third year in a row without him. My son turned 10! My first year NOT cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Began chemo. Withdrew kids from Public School due to issues and began homeschooling again.
DECEMBER: Well here we are. In this month I cut my hair short for the first time. I then began to lose my hair and now I am bald. I am learning to continue to survive this crazy life of mine. I am currently on break from chemo and will begin again after the New Year.
I am looking forward to a year in 2013 where health is the main focus. As you can see health plagued a good part of 2012 but I look forward to a better health in 2013. I look forward to continuing my journey in hopes that maybe through my blog and my journey I can make a difference in the life of others. Thanks for reading alongside me readers. I look forward to more and more time together in 2013.
And as always:
Be BLESSED in HIM!!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Learning Who Am I?
Why Me? I keep asking myself this same question lately but maybe not
in the way you may think. I am not asking why me because I got cancer,
or why me because I lost my hair, or even why me because my husband is
deployed during Christmas. I am asking why me because of all the
blessings and the love I am receiving.
Why do these amazing people care for me so much to do what they do for me? I have friends who I have only known for a year who love me so much that they shaved their heads for me when I shaved mine just so I would not feel alone. Why me? I have someone who annoymously sent me a $100 gift card in the mail for my family and I to have a good Christmas. Why me? I was gifted yet again a bike for my son, again annoymously, to give him something I could not afford to buy myself. Why me? I was gifted annoymously a Christmas dinner for my kids and I? Again why me? I was loved so much that when I began Chemo my church family decided to arrange meals for me on the days that I received Chemo because on those days it is hard for me to have even energy to walk down the hall let alone cook for my children Why me? Many of the woman in my church cut their hair for me when I first decided to cut mine and was nervous about going short just to provide me with support along with my sister and niece. Why me? Prayers have been lifted up for me all over the world through various family, friends and army wives for my healing. Why me?
I feel so much love lately. I cry with emotion. I cry filled with love. I am writing this right now and am sitting here crying and thanking God for his many, many blessings in my life and then it hits me. This is why me! It is not about me. It is about God and his love for me. He has placed this situation in my life, He has placed these people in my life, He has placed these blessings in my life. Pastor yesterday during his sermon, and yes Pastor see I listen (LOL), was saying that all the situations in our lives, the good and the bad, were placed there by God for a specific divine reason. God allowed cancer to invade my body but maybe to show me that even through the darkness his light shines through.
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Thank you readers for your prayers. Thank you for all your blessings. I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas filled with the love that comes with our Savior Jesus Christ.
Be Blessed in HIM
Why do these amazing people care for me so much to do what they do for me? I have friends who I have only known for a year who love me so much that they shaved their heads for me when I shaved mine just so I would not feel alone. Why me? I have someone who annoymously sent me a $100 gift card in the mail for my family and I to have a good Christmas. Why me? I was gifted yet again a bike for my son, again annoymously, to give him something I could not afford to buy myself. Why me? I was gifted annoymously a Christmas dinner for my kids and I? Again why me? I was loved so much that when I began Chemo my church family decided to arrange meals for me on the days that I received Chemo because on those days it is hard for me to have even energy to walk down the hall let alone cook for my children Why me? Many of the woman in my church cut their hair for me when I first decided to cut mine and was nervous about going short just to provide me with support along with my sister and niece. Why me? Prayers have been lifted up for me all over the world through various family, friends and army wives for my healing. Why me?
I feel so much love lately. I cry with emotion. I cry filled with love. I am writing this right now and am sitting here crying and thanking God for his many, many blessings in my life and then it hits me. This is why me! It is not about me. It is about God and his love for me. He has placed this situation in my life, He has placed these people in my life, He has placed these blessings in my life. Pastor yesterday during his sermon, and yes Pastor see I listen (LOL), was saying that all the situations in our lives, the good and the bad, were placed there by God for a specific divine reason. God allowed cancer to invade my body but maybe to show me that even through the darkness his light shines through.
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Thank you readers for your prayers. Thank you for all your blessings. I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas filled with the love that comes with our Savior Jesus Christ.
Be Blessed in HIM
Friday, December 7, 2012
Learning to Hear God Even Through All The Noise
As I lie here in bed I have come to think and contemplate on a couple of things. I love quiet times when you can allow your heart and your mind to think on things. First off I was thinking about the people in my life. I have been blessed with some amazing people and I have had people put in my life to teach me valuable lessons on tolerance, forgiveness and even patience and self control. I want to focus on the first set of people. God blessed me 30 some years ago placing me in the family that He did. I love that my family is passionate, is loving, and comes through for one another no matter the cost, the situation or even the circumstance. My parents taught my sisters and I growing up to be good Christians who put others ahead of ourselves and so I am blessed that I have such an amazing support system in them. Even though they are far away right now I know they all would love to be here for me but can not right now and that is ok because God has blessed me enough already here. I know their prayers are constant for me and that is what keeps me going. I know their love for me is neverending and so I through their strength can draw on my own strength from the Lord. I was blessed 14 years ago meeting the man that would become my best friend, my husband, my support and my amazing rock. He too is far away but even though he is far from me right now I can just look into his eyes through that computer screen when we Skype and know two things: One he would drop everything and come home to care for me, and Two he loves me so much. He might be exhausted from one mission or another but he tries to video call us at least 3 times a week just to check in on us. I know some husband don't do that all the time but he does and him missing those moments to sleep just to talk to us means the world to me. Some days I wish I showed my gratitude better than just a simple smile or a meek sounding thanks because I am so tired myself. I have been blessed with three amazing kids who make me feel like everything will always be alright because when they look at me and smile my heart sings. Even though they got dealt with the short end of the deal as kids with a deployed dad and sick mom they don't complain, they don't gripe they just roll with the punches and get on with their lives. I am so proud of each of them. I hear so many people complain about one thing or another and wonder to myself: Seriously this is your life altering, life changing, debilitating moment in your life? Look at what my kids face on a daily basis and they find their strength to get up each and every morning and deal with it. I think about my friends back home who call, text, or now that I am phoneless send me Facebook messages telling me that they love me and how much they would like to come see me. It makes me miss them more and more. I think about my new friends here in El Paso. God granted me after much prayer to find just one good friend to make this life away from home somewhat bearable with so many amazing and wonderful new friends. I am truly blessed when I think of them too. I may not have chosen my family but I am blessed with them. I did chose my husband and I am blessed with him. I chose to have each of my children and they have blessed me beyond belief. I chose my friends back home and they are a blessing in and of itself. But my friends here in El Paso I know I did not chose, I know God chose them for me knowing I would need these amazing people in my life.
Then I began thinking about something a co-worker said to me today. I am blessed with an amazing set of women that I work with but one of the ladies said something that at first hit me or struck me the wrong way but then I started to think on it and really mull it over. I have had to cut drastically my hours at work. Chemo is not very conducive for working long hours on ones feet, running around after Pre-Toddlers and Toddlers alike. When I went to clock out one of my co-workers passed me in the hall and with her very tired face as she went to help my replacement with my class she said: Oh Mrs. Evy you are so lucky! I know she meant it because I get to leave by 10:15 every morning and she was saying it in an envious way like Oh why can't I get a break and leave early which kinda got me all defensive at first but even though I wanted to open my mouth and say: "Really? Lucky?? Let me tell you what I am going through!!" (not all my co-workers know about my health situation by the way) I felt the need, the urgency to just SHUT MY MOUTH! This woman I work with is a sweet young lady, she is tired from her long hours, she has her own situations to deal with and she has every right to say what she felt without some stressed out, over tired, over sensitive, 5 foot nothing of Latina fury coming at her. She did not mean it, I know, in any mean spirited way but at first I took it like that. I have to allow God to lead my spirit in a time like this. I can only shutter to think what would have happened to my wonderful work relationship with her and the others if I went full force and yelled at her saying what I wanted to say which was: "LUCKY?!?!?! HOW AM I LUCKY WHEN I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO, WHEN MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED AND I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, WHEN I AM WONDERING HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT LIFE KEEPS WANTING TO THROW AT ME!!!!!!" See how this would have probably led to some sort of conflict? I love that God knows everything and does not allow me to make such HUGE mistakes as this when I am struggling to know my place in this world. I smiled, maybe not genuinely, but, I smiled and I told her yea I guess so as I walked over to the office to go and clock out. On my ride home I began to stew over her comment. I know petty and childish but I stewed anyways. I wondered how this woman could think I was LUCKY when I felt like nothing, absolutely nothing was going my way. I began to talk to myself on my drive home, even insisting on going through the main road with all the stop lights instead of getting on the highway and shooting straight on home very quickly because I was being such a baby and wanting to stew over the silliest of comments. I was saying things like, how lucky am I really with my paycheck being cut more than half of what I used to bring home? How am I lucky that I have to have chemo and have begun losing my hair? How lucky am I that if I try to eat even one lousy Bean Burrito from Taco Bell I wind up vomitting uncontrollably (this happened yesterday when I had the biggest craving for Taco Bell) and how lucky am I that my husband is deployed essentially leaving me a single mother right now. This last comment stopped me dead in my tracks of self pity and self loathing. You see this woman works such long hours to support her two children that she raises all alone, not because her husband is deployed but because she really is a single mom while I am a "single mom" for a small season of my life until my husband comes home again. This woman is currently working such long hours because she needs the money to find a home for her and her two kids. This woman anytime I have ever asked her for anything at work has always been more than helpful to me even though I am just the part timer and she works full time. This woman never meant her comment maliciously and for some reason whether it was the hormones, the lack of sleep or just me being a bit touchy I chose to take the comment for something it never was. God spoke to me through my noise in my head telling me I had every right to be bitter and sour and told me that I need to pretty much get over myself and realize hey she has her feelings and I have mine. She has her situations and I have mine. I can pray for her situations and she and others can pray for mine. I can be the God that she sees or I can be the world that she sees and the choice is mine. I humbled myself right then and there. I stopped my own woe is me and prayed to God please allow me to empty myself of myself and fill myself of HIM.
God can talk to us through it all. Whether we are having our quiet time with him, we are in the midst of trials, or even when we are in the midst of rejoicing. God can speak to us through others, like my son who has begun his Christmas Countdown focusing on Jesus and not Santa or the toys. He can speak to us through the noise too like when we are waging an internal war with ourselves. God is in the midst of it all and we need to focus more and more on Him. He speaks to us each and every day but it is up to us to listen to Him. I am learning to do just that. I want to become closer to God, to know that I am in a deeper and greater relationship with Him. I want to hear Him in the quiet and in the noise, I want to hear Him when in trials and when in rejoicing. I want to be closer to HIM.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28
"My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 21:1-5
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God." John 8:47
Thank you readers for all your continued prayers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Then I began thinking about something a co-worker said to me today. I am blessed with an amazing set of women that I work with but one of the ladies said something that at first hit me or struck me the wrong way but then I started to think on it and really mull it over. I have had to cut drastically my hours at work. Chemo is not very conducive for working long hours on ones feet, running around after Pre-Toddlers and Toddlers alike. When I went to clock out one of my co-workers passed me in the hall and with her very tired face as she went to help my replacement with my class she said: Oh Mrs. Evy you are so lucky! I know she meant it because I get to leave by 10:15 every morning and she was saying it in an envious way like Oh why can't I get a break and leave early which kinda got me all defensive at first but even though I wanted to open my mouth and say: "Really? Lucky?? Let me tell you what I am going through!!" (not all my co-workers know about my health situation by the way) I felt the need, the urgency to just SHUT MY MOUTH! This woman I work with is a sweet young lady, she is tired from her long hours, she has her own situations to deal with and she has every right to say what she felt without some stressed out, over tired, over sensitive, 5 foot nothing of Latina fury coming at her. She did not mean it, I know, in any mean spirited way but at first I took it like that. I have to allow God to lead my spirit in a time like this. I can only shutter to think what would have happened to my wonderful work relationship with her and the others if I went full force and yelled at her saying what I wanted to say which was: "LUCKY?!?!?! HOW AM I LUCKY WHEN I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO, WHEN MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED AND I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, WHEN I AM WONDERING HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT LIFE KEEPS WANTING TO THROW AT ME!!!!!!" See how this would have probably led to some sort of conflict? I love that God knows everything and does not allow me to make such HUGE mistakes as this when I am struggling to know my place in this world. I smiled, maybe not genuinely, but, I smiled and I told her yea I guess so as I walked over to the office to go and clock out. On my ride home I began to stew over her comment. I know petty and childish but I stewed anyways. I wondered how this woman could think I was LUCKY when I felt like nothing, absolutely nothing was going my way. I began to talk to myself on my drive home, even insisting on going through the main road with all the stop lights instead of getting on the highway and shooting straight on home very quickly because I was being such a baby and wanting to stew over the silliest of comments. I was saying things like, how lucky am I really with my paycheck being cut more than half of what I used to bring home? How am I lucky that I have to have chemo and have begun losing my hair? How lucky am I that if I try to eat even one lousy Bean Burrito from Taco Bell I wind up vomitting uncontrollably (this happened yesterday when I had the biggest craving for Taco Bell) and how lucky am I that my husband is deployed essentially leaving me a single mother right now. This last comment stopped me dead in my tracks of self pity and self loathing. You see this woman works such long hours to support her two children that she raises all alone, not because her husband is deployed but because she really is a single mom while I am a "single mom" for a small season of my life until my husband comes home again. This woman is currently working such long hours because she needs the money to find a home for her and her two kids. This woman anytime I have ever asked her for anything at work has always been more than helpful to me even though I am just the part timer and she works full time. This woman never meant her comment maliciously and for some reason whether it was the hormones, the lack of sleep or just me being a bit touchy I chose to take the comment for something it never was. God spoke to me through my noise in my head telling me I had every right to be bitter and sour and told me that I need to pretty much get over myself and realize hey she has her feelings and I have mine. She has her situations and I have mine. I can pray for her situations and she and others can pray for mine. I can be the God that she sees or I can be the world that she sees and the choice is mine. I humbled myself right then and there. I stopped my own woe is me and prayed to God please allow me to empty myself of myself and fill myself of HIM.
God can talk to us through it all. Whether we are having our quiet time with him, we are in the midst of trials, or even when we are in the midst of rejoicing. God can speak to us through others, like my son who has begun his Christmas Countdown focusing on Jesus and not Santa or the toys. He can speak to us through the noise too like when we are waging an internal war with ourselves. God is in the midst of it all and we need to focus more and more on Him. He speaks to us each and every day but it is up to us to listen to Him. I am learning to do just that. I want to become closer to God, to know that I am in a deeper and greater relationship with Him. I want to hear Him in the quiet and in the noise, I want to hear Him when in trials and when in rejoicing. I want to be closer to HIM.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28
"My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 21:1-5
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God." John 8:47
Thank you readers for all your continued prayers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Learning to Let Go and Allow God to Take Over
Oh readers where do I begin, where do I begin? Well first and foremost I have been mistaken. I thought the treatment I was undergoing was radiation when alas it is not. I am undergoing Chemotherapy instead. So let me explain my situation here a minute. OK so I was blissfully ignorant one day sitting on my recliner, relaxing almost half asleep when I get a text message from a friend. She asks me what type of Radiation I was receiving. I remember the doctor talking to me about Radiation so I tell her the name that I remember hearing from the doctor. Oh readers this is when my blissful ignorance just jumped out the window and said to me: "See you later sucker!!" because my wonderful friend was conversing with another wonderful friend of mine and they were talking about how things did not seem to add up with me. These wonderful people assumed I was lying to them telling them my condition wasn't as bad as it really was because the Radiation I thought I was having was some hardcore stuff. Oh My Lanta was I scared to death now because they sent me the link explaining my form of Radiation (or what I thought was my form of Radiation) and first off that is some hardcore treatment and second of all it was not consistent with the form of cancer they said they are battling with right now. So what do I do? I PANIC!! All I could think about was what is happening? Am I dying right now? What will happen to my children since my husband is deployed? Would I ever see my husband again? Oh the thoughts, the negative thoughts were so endless and so consuming that it was a Friday night and I called the doctors office (mind you they are closed and I leave a frantic message with an unsuspecting, poor telephone operator saying I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY ONCOLOGIST IMMEDIATELY. Her first reaction is to tell me ma'am do you need an ambulance? Do you need to go to the ER? Now all I ask her is if I show up at the ER will my Oncologist be there? To this she answered no and I told her then why do I want to go to the ER? Poor woman was just attempting to do her job and I am sure she did not think she would get a call from a psycho person when she answered the phone that faithful Friday evening. I waited and waited. Man do you know how hard it is to wait when you are panicked? Oh you do? Well then you know how my weekend went. Finally I get to see my doctor. Poor guy because between talking with my friends and now thinking as clearly as I could I arrived at my appointment with a list. A WHOLE LIST of questions for this unsuspecting Oncologist and part of me wondered if he thought hey maybe I should just magically start taking off the days this woman has to come in for her treatments because this tiny Puerto Rican woman is going to be the end of me! Well I was a nervous wreck and I am thankful for the wonderful woman who goes along with me to my appointments because she really stayed calm, she helped calm me down and afterwards shared in a good laugh with me over my expense at NOT LISTENING TO THE DOCTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE! Readers I can not stress this enough: Always listen to your doctor when they are giving you instructions, information and treatment information. You see last time I had radiation so this time apparently when they mentioned I was back in this battle I must have zoned out and only thought about last time. I remember him saying that I was going in to have blood work, I remember him talking about treatments and I remember him saying IV so I put it all together in my crazy mind and said ok I am having radiation like last time but this time through and IV. Oh well that was not the case. He discussed all treatments with me telling me that what I was going to have was chemo but no that did not stick in my head the first time. Oh My Lanta why oh why did I not listen????
Well so here we are. I have finished two weeks of Chemo and will be starting my third week this week. I have learned so much though in this past two weeks. Lesson One being to listen to your doctor and not get the wrong information to begin with. Lesson Two being that others are there for you. This lesson even though it seems easy enough for someone who struggles with asking for anything it is hard. I have had to learn that guess what as much as I want to be Wonder Woman, I mean hey first of all she is a knock out, who wouldn't want to look like her and have those fun toys like the invisible jet and that cool lasso thing, I am not her and I can not do it all. I have had to learn to say that I can not do something. And for someone like me who is always wanting to and feeling like she has something to prove saying I can not do something is a huge deal for me. I love my kids and I love doing everything I can for them but lately everything I can is just not a whole lot. I am tired so much and I am worn out easily. I have had to release control of things in the house to them. Are they getting done? Yea. Are they getting done the way I like and how I like? Nope but hey at least it is getting done and done by someone I love. I have had to at work admit that I can not do it all either. Oh I love that I found a job finally that I know I am good at and that I feel fulfilled with but it is so demanding. I have had to cut my hours drastically. Not so good for my wallet but very good for my health. I have had to tell family I am not strong enough to do certain things like Christmas shopping. I have always wanted my family to see me as strong and capable, to see me as the woman I always saw when I looked in the mirror and not the little girl I thought they always saw when they looked at me that needed taking care of, but now I had to admit I am weak right now and even shopping for Christmas is too hard on my body. I have had to face the reality that I am not who I always wanted to be but that is just for now because this time shall pass and I know my Lord will restore my strength but in the mean time I need to rely on Him and the people he has placed in my life. And lesson three is to have faith that can move mountains. Last time I did not feel shaken up by my diagnosis, last time though I had my husband's help, I had the knowledge of my mother coming to care for me, I had a peace but this time around I have felt defeated. I feel despair and fear and I do not like that feeling so I need my faith, my mountain moving faith to know I can overcome this. I have learned that God will give me the strength each and every day. I am seeing my healing as a day by day thing and if I survive each day, through God's strength because I know I have no strength as my own then I have received my healing.
Readers, I can not stress enough to first and foremost listen when your doctor is talking to you. It saves so much heart ache and stress, and secondly know that our strength comes from God. He gives us the ability to survive each day. Truth be told there are mornings I do not find within my own strength to get up and out of bed and there were days like that even before the Chemo but I do it and not through me or through my own strength, will power or what not but through Christ. Leaning on Him and allowing Him to care for me. I know its a struggle and its a challenge. I know there will be days when I feel fine and days when I feel an inch from the grave. I know there are good times and there are terrible times but I plan to pass each day talking to my God, leaning on my God, depending on my God. My husband is overseas right now, my parents and sisters are on the other side of this country, but God is always with me. He has never left nor forsaken me and the best part is that He put these amazing people in my life to love me, care for me, and kick me in butt when I do not ask for help. God has my back each and every day and because of that I know He will always be there for me.
Thanks readers for reading along and following me on my journey.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Well so here we are. I have finished two weeks of Chemo and will be starting my third week this week. I have learned so much though in this past two weeks. Lesson One being to listen to your doctor and not get the wrong information to begin with. Lesson Two being that others are there for you. This lesson even though it seems easy enough for someone who struggles with asking for anything it is hard. I have had to learn that guess what as much as I want to be Wonder Woman, I mean hey first of all she is a knock out, who wouldn't want to look like her and have those fun toys like the invisible jet and that cool lasso thing, I am not her and I can not do it all. I have had to learn to say that I can not do something. And for someone like me who is always wanting to and feeling like she has something to prove saying I can not do something is a huge deal for me. I love my kids and I love doing everything I can for them but lately everything I can is just not a whole lot. I am tired so much and I am worn out easily. I have had to release control of things in the house to them. Are they getting done? Yea. Are they getting done the way I like and how I like? Nope but hey at least it is getting done and done by someone I love. I have had to at work admit that I can not do it all either. Oh I love that I found a job finally that I know I am good at and that I feel fulfilled with but it is so demanding. I have had to cut my hours drastically. Not so good for my wallet but very good for my health. I have had to tell family I am not strong enough to do certain things like Christmas shopping. I have always wanted my family to see me as strong and capable, to see me as the woman I always saw when I looked in the mirror and not the little girl I thought they always saw when they looked at me that needed taking care of, but now I had to admit I am weak right now and even shopping for Christmas is too hard on my body. I have had to face the reality that I am not who I always wanted to be but that is just for now because this time shall pass and I know my Lord will restore my strength but in the mean time I need to rely on Him and the people he has placed in my life. And lesson three is to have faith that can move mountains. Last time I did not feel shaken up by my diagnosis, last time though I had my husband's help, I had the knowledge of my mother coming to care for me, I had a peace but this time around I have felt defeated. I feel despair and fear and I do not like that feeling so I need my faith, my mountain moving faith to know I can overcome this. I have learned that God will give me the strength each and every day. I am seeing my healing as a day by day thing and if I survive each day, through God's strength because I know I have no strength as my own then I have received my healing.
Readers, I can not stress enough to first and foremost listen when your doctor is talking to you. It saves so much heart ache and stress, and secondly know that our strength comes from God. He gives us the ability to survive each day. Truth be told there are mornings I do not find within my own strength to get up and out of bed and there were days like that even before the Chemo but I do it and not through me or through my own strength, will power or what not but through Christ. Leaning on Him and allowing Him to care for me. I know its a struggle and its a challenge. I know there will be days when I feel fine and days when I feel an inch from the grave. I know there are good times and there are terrible times but I plan to pass each day talking to my God, leaning on my God, depending on my God. My husband is overseas right now, my parents and sisters are on the other side of this country, but God is always with me. He has never left nor forsaken me and the best part is that He put these amazing people in my life to love me, care for me, and kick me in butt when I do not ask for help. God has my back each and every day and because of that I know He will always be there for me.
Thanks readers for reading along and following me on my journey.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Here We Go Again...
Well readers I have debated the past couple of weeks on whether I would come back to this blog and start documenting my journey or not. I debated on whether I would announce I am back in this battle again not only here on my blog but in my personal life again. I debated on whether I would beg my husband's chain of command to allow him to stay from this deployment and take care of me and then I realized. I realized that I have always believed that God does not place things in our lives that He has not already equipped us to handle. That He does not allow things to come into our lives not already knowing the outcome and no matter what I choose to do or not the outcome will be what it is because it is in God's will.
Well I am back in my journey with Cancer. I did not share this with everyone last time but about 2 months or so after my surgery I was found to have a mutation in my ovaries (why they just would not remove them from the get go is still strange to me) and so I had to undergo a very low dose of radiation. The one round of radiation and the mutation was no longer found again when I went back for the follow-up. I thought this is awesome I am completely cancer free now. Well it has been 3 months since I did the radiation and guess what? It's back. They found more mutation and because it has only been three months since the last time they want to do 2 rounds of radiation this time and a stronger dosage as well.
My heart sank readers. This time I felt like I could not find any joy, any humor, any peace in my life. I felt at first like my God completely forgot about me and now not only do I have to face this but I have to face it alone. My husband is deployed, had to leave right after I found out about the need for more radiation. I was given the choice to inform his chain of command and have him stay. Truthfully the scared little girl inside me screamed out: PLEASE STAY! But the words never left my mouth for some reason. I know God did not allow them to because every fiber in my being wanted to beg, plead, bargain and do anything else it would take for him to stay and yet like I was paralyed to act on those feelings. My husband now currently is overseas.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw my hands up and quit and I couldn't. I know there is a reason this is happening again and I know one day whether it will be here on earth or up in glory with my God I will know the reason but as of today, November 12, 2012, I do not know why I have to go through this again.
I thought about last time. I thought about how I was ok with my diagnosis because I knew that my God was greater than the cancer but there were others who were not ok with it. I thought maybe I will keep this to myself. I thought about the stress I put on my family and friends last time, the worry they went through because of me and I thought maybe I should keep this all to myself and then I remembered the countless emails I received from women I never even met, but read my story, my journey last time. How they had come to find a peace with God because of what they read in this blog. Then I looked down at the shirt I am currently wearing, the one I received at this year's Relay For Life that says: "Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back" and on the back says: "I AM HOPE!" And I am reminded that others are benefitting from hearing all that God is doing and all the work He is doing in me by healing me, giving me strength, hope, peace. I am reminded that this may not even be about me but by sharing this I may reach someone who doesn't know God and his amazing healing power. My journey as much as my narcisstic side may want to think it is all about me it really is not! Its all about God and His work in me.
I am reminded of those who have come before me. Those who battled and those who won, those who lost but those who gained the ultimate prize of finishing the race and now are rejoicing with God.
Last time I dealt with some things that I did not want to deal with and so was putting off writing again about my journey or even telling anyone about it but God kept convicting me to write and I have rebelled and not done so and have been ashamed that I did not obey and trust in Him. I am not claiming cancer again. I am just stating a fact of where I am at in my journey again. I am not saying that I am not claiming cancer because my faith is strong enough to heal me because my faith has nothing to do with the fact that I have cancer or not. My faith allows me to cope but it is up to God whether I get healing or not and I know my faith is right in Him.
Tomorrow readers I begin my first round of the two rounds of radiation. I ask for prayer that I can withstand this to the best of my ability through Christ. I know it is going to be hard but I pray that I can find my joy and peace again like before.
"For I will restore health to you,
and your wounds I will heal,
declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17
thanks for everything readers and as always
be blessed in Him!!
Well I am back in my journey with Cancer. I did not share this with everyone last time but about 2 months or so after my surgery I was found to have a mutation in my ovaries (why they just would not remove them from the get go is still strange to me) and so I had to undergo a very low dose of radiation. The one round of radiation and the mutation was no longer found again when I went back for the follow-up. I thought this is awesome I am completely cancer free now. Well it has been 3 months since I did the radiation and guess what? It's back. They found more mutation and because it has only been three months since the last time they want to do 2 rounds of radiation this time and a stronger dosage as well.
My heart sank readers. This time I felt like I could not find any joy, any humor, any peace in my life. I felt at first like my God completely forgot about me and now not only do I have to face this but I have to face it alone. My husband is deployed, had to leave right after I found out about the need for more radiation. I was given the choice to inform his chain of command and have him stay. Truthfully the scared little girl inside me screamed out: PLEASE STAY! But the words never left my mouth for some reason. I know God did not allow them to because every fiber in my being wanted to beg, plead, bargain and do anything else it would take for him to stay and yet like I was paralyed to act on those feelings. My husband now currently is overseas.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw my hands up and quit and I couldn't. I know there is a reason this is happening again and I know one day whether it will be here on earth or up in glory with my God I will know the reason but as of today, November 12, 2012, I do not know why I have to go through this again.
I thought about last time. I thought about how I was ok with my diagnosis because I knew that my God was greater than the cancer but there were others who were not ok with it. I thought maybe I will keep this to myself. I thought about the stress I put on my family and friends last time, the worry they went through because of me and I thought maybe I should keep this all to myself and then I remembered the countless emails I received from women I never even met, but read my story, my journey last time. How they had come to find a peace with God because of what they read in this blog. Then I looked down at the shirt I am currently wearing, the one I received at this year's Relay For Life that says: "Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back" and on the back says: "I AM HOPE!" And I am reminded that others are benefitting from hearing all that God is doing and all the work He is doing in me by healing me, giving me strength, hope, peace. I am reminded that this may not even be about me but by sharing this I may reach someone who doesn't know God and his amazing healing power. My journey as much as my narcisstic side may want to think it is all about me it really is not! Its all about God and His work in me.
I am reminded of those who have come before me. Those who battled and those who won, those who lost but those who gained the ultimate prize of finishing the race and now are rejoicing with God.
Last time I dealt with some things that I did not want to deal with and so was putting off writing again about my journey or even telling anyone about it but God kept convicting me to write and I have rebelled and not done so and have been ashamed that I did not obey and trust in Him. I am not claiming cancer again. I am just stating a fact of where I am at in my journey again. I am not saying that I am not claiming cancer because my faith is strong enough to heal me because my faith has nothing to do with the fact that I have cancer or not. My faith allows me to cope but it is up to God whether I get healing or not and I know my faith is right in Him.
Tomorrow readers I begin my first round of the two rounds of radiation. I ask for prayer that I can withstand this to the best of my ability through Christ. I know it is going to be hard but I pray that I can find my joy and peace again like before.
"For I will restore health to you,
and your wounds I will heal,
declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17
thanks for everything readers and as always
be blessed in Him!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Suriving the Wilderness and Firsts
Lately my life seems to be turned upside and not necessarily in a bad way. I am a 34 year old woman and the thought of my life still experiencing firsts in anything is something I did not think could be possible but alas it is. Whether my life is experiencing firsts because of the Army, because of school, because of my health, my life or whatnot I am in a flux of experiencing first times through it all.
Last week my family went on a mini retreat/vacation. Oh it was wonderful. It was our first time up in a mountain lodge. It was the first time I got a "free" vacation because it was covered through the Army. You see the Army in an attempt to help families deal with the stresses that go along with this lifestyle gives out these Marriage Retreats to allow couples to find their way back to each other. I learned a lot not only about myself but about my marriage in this retreat and even though my husband and I have been blessed to be together in our marriage for the past 13 years we still had a lot to learn about communicating effectively with one another and how to be successful in this thing called love. I laugh because a soldier was there with his family and wife (mind you they all were soldiers with their families) but he worked for the Army newspaper here on post and was not only attending the retreat to learn more about his marriage but was covering the retreat to write about it for the newspaper. My husband and I were the couple there who has been married the longest (aside from the Chaplain that is) and so on our last day there this soldier decided to get our take on the retreat. See if it really was beneficial for a couple who has been married past a decade. First let me stop you there. I find it funny that being married past a decade now a days is a big deal and I think it speaks volumes for our culture now a days but I believe this is another topic for a another blog post. He asked us what it is that we learned the most in this retreat. My husband and I looked at each other and we answered almost simultaneously that we learned about communication. This soldier looked at us like we had lost our minds. How can you possibly be married 13 years and not know how to communicate? Well we explained that we learned how to "better" communicate with one another. This retreat also served to get me out in the real wild for the first time ever. Readers I am not now nor have I ever been a "nature" person. I do not enjoy long hikes through the wilderness, I have never been camping, I do not even enjoy critters of the wild except for on TV or in pictures but here I was up in the mountains and there they were: CRITTERS! Oh my lanta did I almost have nervous breakdowns but in hindsight I am glad I was able to experience this at some point in my life.
We were up there and had gotten released for some family time to enjoy the area and so my husband who was the happiest I had ever seen him up there decides to just take us out driving around. We go through this one street where we see another lodge and what looks to be deer. Later on we find out that they were not deer but Elk. They were so docile and allow you to get within about five feet of them to take pictures. I had never seen this. All my encounters in the past with deer have been that they see humans and take off faster than you can get your smart phone camera out to take a picture. These guys were among people, large crowds of people and as happy as can be. Then we drive a little further down and my oldest daughter mentions that she sees a bear! A BEAR!! That is right. You see when we first checked into the lodge I noticed ALL the decorations were bears, I mean ALL the decorations but never in my wildest dreams would I imagine we would see one, let alone FIVE bears and these too were up close and personal. Oh my fear kicked in full force and my husband and kids decided hey this is a fun way to tease mom! Needless to say I am writing this blog post and so I survived my close encounter with critters in the Wilderness.
Then it is time to drive home. Mind you readers this place is about 2 1/2 hours from where we live here in the massive heat of the desert but on our way home while still fairly high up on the mountain it begins to rain which the rain turns into snow! Snow 2 days before JULY! Never have I experience snow even the slightest amount in the SUMMER. I mean this past winter was my very first snow ever!
We arrive home with only an hour to spare before Relay for Life. How is this surviving Wilderness you might ask? Oh let me tell you. So Relay for Life is about a 12 hour event through the night. The night people! So you are permitted to set up tents and "camp out" per se at the track! I have like I mentioned early never even camped and the thought of putting up a tent, setting one down, or even laying down inside one is something I have never, ever done! I have to be honest, I did not set the tent up. I saw my husband struggling with that thing and was never ever grateful in my life for taking laps around a field like I was this time. Relay for Life was wonderful though. It was not only my first time even participating in the event but my first time participating and being a SURVIVOR. Oh it was beautiful. I was able to talk to other survivors and hear their stories and find encouragement through them. I can see why Relay for Life is done as an over night event where you feel the anguish and despair of the night creeping along and the tiredness you feel as you are there and even though some could sleep through a portion of it for someone like me it was not a possibility. I could not sleep because of all the lights up in the track, all the noise going around whether it was the DJ, the music or even the talking, I could not sleep due to the immense heat outside and the hard floor but it was an experience I am surely never going to forget and already know I plan to do this every year until they find a way to end this miserable thing called CANCER. My son, my 9 year old son, impressed me beyond words when he not only stayed up all night but he decided to walk the track and walked/ran 6 whole miles! It made my heart soar to see him and my husband actively participating in something that meant so much to me. My daughters blew me away too by actively taking over watching all the little ones and entertaining them so the grown ups did not have to worry about them. Writing this and remembering all my family did for me that night is actually making me cry because it showed how much they care about something that I care so much about.
I do have another first that has happened and that I have kept to myself but I will continue to keep to myself for the time being until I sit down and disclose it to some of my really close friends here first. Thank you for reading along with my craziness and I hope you enjoyed my stories.
"I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land." Isaiah 43:19. I like this verse because I am in the desert and I know God is making a way for me and this is why I am experiencing new things, new firsts in my life. Again readers thank you for coming along with me on this ride through my life and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Last week my family went on a mini retreat/vacation. Oh it was wonderful. It was our first time up in a mountain lodge. It was the first time I got a "free" vacation because it was covered through the Army. You see the Army in an attempt to help families deal with the stresses that go along with this lifestyle gives out these Marriage Retreats to allow couples to find their way back to each other. I learned a lot not only about myself but about my marriage in this retreat and even though my husband and I have been blessed to be together in our marriage for the past 13 years we still had a lot to learn about communicating effectively with one another and how to be successful in this thing called love. I laugh because a soldier was there with his family and wife (mind you they all were soldiers with their families) but he worked for the Army newspaper here on post and was not only attending the retreat to learn more about his marriage but was covering the retreat to write about it for the newspaper. My husband and I were the couple there who has been married the longest (aside from the Chaplain that is) and so on our last day there this soldier decided to get our take on the retreat. See if it really was beneficial for a couple who has been married past a decade. First let me stop you there. I find it funny that being married past a decade now a days is a big deal and I think it speaks volumes for our culture now a days but I believe this is another topic for a another blog post. He asked us what it is that we learned the most in this retreat. My husband and I looked at each other and we answered almost simultaneously that we learned about communication. This soldier looked at us like we had lost our minds. How can you possibly be married 13 years and not know how to communicate? Well we explained that we learned how to "better" communicate with one another. This retreat also served to get me out in the real wild for the first time ever. Readers I am not now nor have I ever been a "nature" person. I do not enjoy long hikes through the wilderness, I have never been camping, I do not even enjoy critters of the wild except for on TV or in pictures but here I was up in the mountains and there they were: CRITTERS! Oh my lanta did I almost have nervous breakdowns but in hindsight I am glad I was able to experience this at some point in my life.
We were up there and had gotten released for some family time to enjoy the area and so my husband who was the happiest I had ever seen him up there decides to just take us out driving around. We go through this one street where we see another lodge and what looks to be deer. Later on we find out that they were not deer but Elk. They were so docile and allow you to get within about five feet of them to take pictures. I had never seen this. All my encounters in the past with deer have been that they see humans and take off faster than you can get your smart phone camera out to take a picture. These guys were among people, large crowds of people and as happy as can be. Then we drive a little further down and my oldest daughter mentions that she sees a bear! A BEAR!! That is right. You see when we first checked into the lodge I noticed ALL the decorations were bears, I mean ALL the decorations but never in my wildest dreams would I imagine we would see one, let alone FIVE bears and these too were up close and personal. Oh my fear kicked in full force and my husband and kids decided hey this is a fun way to tease mom! Needless to say I am writing this blog post and so I survived my close encounter with critters in the Wilderness.
Then it is time to drive home. Mind you readers this place is about 2 1/2 hours from where we live here in the massive heat of the desert but on our way home while still fairly high up on the mountain it begins to rain which the rain turns into snow! Snow 2 days before JULY! Never have I experience snow even the slightest amount in the SUMMER. I mean this past winter was my very first snow ever!
We arrive home with only an hour to spare before Relay for Life. How is this surviving Wilderness you might ask? Oh let me tell you. So Relay for Life is about a 12 hour event through the night. The night people! So you are permitted to set up tents and "camp out" per se at the track! I have like I mentioned early never even camped and the thought of putting up a tent, setting one down, or even laying down inside one is something I have never, ever done! I have to be honest, I did not set the tent up. I saw my husband struggling with that thing and was never ever grateful in my life for taking laps around a field like I was this time. Relay for Life was wonderful though. It was not only my first time even participating in the event but my first time participating and being a SURVIVOR. Oh it was beautiful. I was able to talk to other survivors and hear their stories and find encouragement through them. I can see why Relay for Life is done as an over night event where you feel the anguish and despair of the night creeping along and the tiredness you feel as you are there and even though some could sleep through a portion of it for someone like me it was not a possibility. I could not sleep because of all the lights up in the track, all the noise going around whether it was the DJ, the music or even the talking, I could not sleep due to the immense heat outside and the hard floor but it was an experience I am surely never going to forget and already know I plan to do this every year until they find a way to end this miserable thing called CANCER. My son, my 9 year old son, impressed me beyond words when he not only stayed up all night but he decided to walk the track and walked/ran 6 whole miles! It made my heart soar to see him and my husband actively participating in something that meant so much to me. My daughters blew me away too by actively taking over watching all the little ones and entertaining them so the grown ups did not have to worry about them. Writing this and remembering all my family did for me that night is actually making me cry because it showed how much they care about something that I care so much about.
I do have another first that has happened and that I have kept to myself but I will continue to keep to myself for the time being until I sit down and disclose it to some of my really close friends here first. Thank you for reading along with my craziness and I hope you enjoyed my stories.
"I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land." Isaiah 43:19. I like this verse because I am in the desert and I know God is making a way for me and this is why I am experiencing new things, new firsts in my life. Again readers thank you for coming along with me on this ride through my life and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Surviving The Chaos I Call Life
Hi readers. Sorry I seem to lately be so caught up and forget to sit down for a couple of minutes just to be able to get a post out there.
Today is just one of those days and I am sure you all have experienced them where I feel down and out. I hate that I feel down and out because I love being able to just laugh, just smile or even find the humor in places most people forget to look for the humor in life but today I woke up with a sour disposition, my son came and jumped in bed with me like he loves to do and I played with him but it felt forced. It felt forced to play with my 9 year old and that is not something I like! I love seeing him laugh. I love seeing him try to make me laugh or him just cuddle up with me, wrap himself up in my covers and just say: " I love you mommy" but today it was hard.
Have you ever woken up and just the sight of sunshine coming through your window hurt? I mean physically hurt? Hurt your eyes, hurt your head, hurt your body, hurt your bones? Ugh today that is what I woke up to and I have to say I do not like it! I then after about an hour of playing with my son got up and discover that the pug had gotten into my bathroom and the mess he made, well lets just say I felt like turning around, holding it in, and just crawl back in bed under the covers because I was just way to upset but I got down and picked up all the overturned trash, the trash I had begged my husband to take out yesterday because it was trash day (and we only have one trash day a week here) and continued on with my day. But lo and behold what do I find when I get to the living room/dinning room? A mess! A mess that I have no idea why it is there because I left yesterday with my kids to go to the church and help set up for the end of the year party at about 12:30 and didn't return to until I sent them all to bed so why I ask is there a MESS?!?! This time I am not obliged to start cleaning it all up because I am in desperate need of coffee. I need something to erase this funk! So readers I get to the kitchen and one gazillion points to the reader who can tell me what I discovered in the kitchen? Dum, dum, dummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes one gazillion points to the reader who yelled out A MESS! Seriously?!?!?! You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! We didn't even eat dinner here last night! So I just look at the mess and this time strongly consider running away to an abandoned island where no one calls me MOM, Hunny or anything of the sort!
I feel down. I feel defeated and deflated because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do nothing seems enough, nothing seems like there is even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, nothing absolutely nothing feels like it is going my way. I have been trying and working my tail off to enroll my kids in online school for next year and because we are in the grand ole state of Texas and my children have been homeschooled for the past 5 years they will not enroll them AT ALL! New legislation prohibits homeschooled children to enroll in online Public School and with the school system and all I have learned about it here in El Paso this past year I refuse to subject my children to that. I know some of you are thinking either I am exaggerating or I am too paranoid but I promise you I am not. There is only one school I would be willing to enroll my kids in and I submitted applications for them but they are on a wait list so I am now just waiting and seeing. Waiting and seeing.... boy is that the story of my life.
Then comes the fact that financially we are struggling and even though I may have nice things in my house people assume we are ok but we are not. It is just that I have had them for a while or with the income tax we have acquired them and believe it or not we have had our fair share of trips to the pawn shop just to be able to put food on the table every month. I have been looking but what kind of work is ok to do when you are a homeschool mom? Its hard. Then the hubby offered to get a small part time on the weekends but how would that work when he is in the Army? I mean for one we will never see him and I really do not want money to be the reason my marriage suffers, two what if he has to go out on a mission or when they go out into the field for 30 days or worse deploys? And three I feel I should be the one working even if it is part time. He is the one with the full time job so why can't I contribute too but getting a job is NOT easy! I have looked, I have searched and even though I am bilingual guess what? I do not get the jobs I apply for!
I know readers I am here throwing my own little pity party and I am sorry but if you choose to read on I will gladly have the violinist play you your favorite saddest song and give you a party hat as well. LOL No readers I am just not used to feeling like this. I have always been optimistic, the glass is half full, looking for the silver lining, and trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I really feel down, I feel depressed and I hate this feeling. Each of these setbacks in life is not earth shattering, heart breaking or soul ripping as I feel but together they make me feel like I am drowning in a sea of despair. Then I realize how wrong I am. We have a family in our church really going through hard times and I feel selfish, petty, and down right wrong for having this pity party myself but I can not shake this feeling of just utter despair. I need to find my happiness, I need to find my comfort and I know he is out there and just because I feel this way does not mean I do not know that my God is not there for me I know this is on me. This feeling is on me because I know my rock, my comfort is there to hold me when I feel weak and I need to allow myself to fall at his feet and tell him I am done and I need you now more then ever before and I have but I have to face that all things happen for a reason and according to His will and not mine. There is a reason my children are not being allowed enrollment in to the online schools and I know God will reveal it to me in his time, I know there is a reason for the financial hardship and He will see us through it in His time, I know there is even a reason behind the chaos that is my house, my life, my family and for the most part I relish the chaos because it is who I am but right now I need peace and I need understanding that only can come from the Lord. I need His strength in my life.
A friend of mine said last night that she chooses to not be perfect and I know to most that does not sound 100% right or logical but I totally see the reasoning behind those words. If we are perfect than why would we need a God and I for one especially today, need a God. I need to know that I am broken, I need to know that I am what my daughter calls a HOT MESS because I need Him to pick me up, I need Him to hold me and right now I need Him to tell me everything is gonna be alright and that He will see us through it all.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
Readers thanks for reading along with me and my pity party this time. I pray next post I can find the humor and share some funny stories like I love to do.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Today is just one of those days and I am sure you all have experienced them where I feel down and out. I hate that I feel down and out because I love being able to just laugh, just smile or even find the humor in places most people forget to look for the humor in life but today I woke up with a sour disposition, my son came and jumped in bed with me like he loves to do and I played with him but it felt forced. It felt forced to play with my 9 year old and that is not something I like! I love seeing him laugh. I love seeing him try to make me laugh or him just cuddle up with me, wrap himself up in my covers and just say: " I love you mommy" but today it was hard.
Have you ever woken up and just the sight of sunshine coming through your window hurt? I mean physically hurt? Hurt your eyes, hurt your head, hurt your body, hurt your bones? Ugh today that is what I woke up to and I have to say I do not like it! I then after about an hour of playing with my son got up and discover that the pug had gotten into my bathroom and the mess he made, well lets just say I felt like turning around, holding it in, and just crawl back in bed under the covers because I was just way to upset but I got down and picked up all the overturned trash, the trash I had begged my husband to take out yesterday because it was trash day (and we only have one trash day a week here) and continued on with my day. But lo and behold what do I find when I get to the living room/dinning room? A mess! A mess that I have no idea why it is there because I left yesterday with my kids to go to the church and help set up for the end of the year party at about 12:30 and didn't return to until I sent them all to bed so why I ask is there a MESS?!?! This time I am not obliged to start cleaning it all up because I am in desperate need of coffee. I need something to erase this funk! So readers I get to the kitchen and one gazillion points to the reader who can tell me what I discovered in the kitchen? Dum, dum, dummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes one gazillion points to the reader who yelled out A MESS! Seriously?!?!?! You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! We didn't even eat dinner here last night! So I just look at the mess and this time strongly consider running away to an abandoned island where no one calls me MOM, Hunny or anything of the sort!
I feel down. I feel defeated and deflated because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do nothing seems enough, nothing seems like there is even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, nothing absolutely nothing feels like it is going my way. I have been trying and working my tail off to enroll my kids in online school for next year and because we are in the grand ole state of Texas and my children have been homeschooled for the past 5 years they will not enroll them AT ALL! New legislation prohibits homeschooled children to enroll in online Public School and with the school system and all I have learned about it here in El Paso this past year I refuse to subject my children to that. I know some of you are thinking either I am exaggerating or I am too paranoid but I promise you I am not. There is only one school I would be willing to enroll my kids in and I submitted applications for them but they are on a wait list so I am now just waiting and seeing. Waiting and seeing.... boy is that the story of my life.
Then comes the fact that financially we are struggling and even though I may have nice things in my house people assume we are ok but we are not. It is just that I have had them for a while or with the income tax we have acquired them and believe it or not we have had our fair share of trips to the pawn shop just to be able to put food on the table every month. I have been looking but what kind of work is ok to do when you are a homeschool mom? Its hard. Then the hubby offered to get a small part time on the weekends but how would that work when he is in the Army? I mean for one we will never see him and I really do not want money to be the reason my marriage suffers, two what if he has to go out on a mission or when they go out into the field for 30 days or worse deploys? And three I feel I should be the one working even if it is part time. He is the one with the full time job so why can't I contribute too but getting a job is NOT easy! I have looked, I have searched and even though I am bilingual guess what? I do not get the jobs I apply for!
I know readers I am here throwing my own little pity party and I am sorry but if you choose to read on I will gladly have the violinist play you your favorite saddest song and give you a party hat as well. LOL No readers I am just not used to feeling like this. I have always been optimistic, the glass is half full, looking for the silver lining, and trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I really feel down, I feel depressed and I hate this feeling. Each of these setbacks in life is not earth shattering, heart breaking or soul ripping as I feel but together they make me feel like I am drowning in a sea of despair. Then I realize how wrong I am. We have a family in our church really going through hard times and I feel selfish, petty, and down right wrong for having this pity party myself but I can not shake this feeling of just utter despair. I need to find my happiness, I need to find my comfort and I know he is out there and just because I feel this way does not mean I do not know that my God is not there for me I know this is on me. This feeling is on me because I know my rock, my comfort is there to hold me when I feel weak and I need to allow myself to fall at his feet and tell him I am done and I need you now more then ever before and I have but I have to face that all things happen for a reason and according to His will and not mine. There is a reason my children are not being allowed enrollment in to the online schools and I know God will reveal it to me in his time, I know there is a reason for the financial hardship and He will see us through it in His time, I know there is even a reason behind the chaos that is my house, my life, my family and for the most part I relish the chaos because it is who I am but right now I need peace and I need understanding that only can come from the Lord. I need His strength in my life.
A friend of mine said last night that she chooses to not be perfect and I know to most that does not sound 100% right or logical but I totally see the reasoning behind those words. If we are perfect than why would we need a God and I for one especially today, need a God. I need to know that I am broken, I need to know that I am what my daughter calls a HOT MESS because I need Him to pick me up, I need Him to hold me and right now I need Him to tell me everything is gonna be alright and that He will see us through it all.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
Readers thanks for reading along with me and my pity party this time. I pray next post I can find the humor and share some funny stories like I love to do.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
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