As I lie here in bed I have come to think and contemplate on a couple of things. I love quiet times when you can allow your heart and your mind to think on things. First off I was thinking about the people in my life. I have been blessed with some amazing people and I have had people put in my life to teach me valuable lessons on tolerance, forgiveness and even patience and self control. I want to focus on the first set of people. God blessed me 30 some years ago placing me in the family that He did. I love that my family is passionate, is loving, and comes through for one another no matter the cost, the situation or even the circumstance. My parents taught my sisters and I growing up to be good Christians who put others ahead of ourselves and so I am blessed that I have such an amazing support system in them. Even though they are far away right now I know they all would love to be here for me but can not right now and that is ok because God has blessed me enough already here. I know their prayers are constant for me and that is what keeps me going. I know their love for me is neverending and so I through their strength can draw on my own strength from the Lord. I was blessed 14 years ago meeting the man that would become my best friend, my husband, my support and my amazing rock. He too is far away but even though he is far from me right now I can just look into his eyes through that computer screen when we Skype and know two things: One he would drop everything and come home to care for me, and Two he loves me so much. He might be exhausted from one mission or another but he tries to video call us at least 3 times a week just to check in on us. I know some husband don't do that all the time but he does and him missing those moments to sleep just to talk to us means the world to me. Some days I wish I showed my gratitude better than just a simple smile or a meek sounding thanks because I am so tired myself. I have been blessed with three amazing kids who make me feel like everything will always be alright because when they look at me and smile my heart sings. Even though they got dealt with the short end of the deal as kids with a deployed dad and sick mom they don't complain, they don't gripe they just roll with the punches and get on with their lives. I am so proud of each of them. I hear so many people complain about one thing or another and wonder to myself: Seriously this is your life altering, life changing, debilitating moment in your life? Look at what my kids face on a daily basis and they find their strength to get up each and every morning and deal with it. I think about my friends back home who call, text, or now that I am phoneless send me Facebook messages telling me that they love me and how much they would like to come see me. It makes me miss them more and more. I think about my new friends here in El Paso. God granted me after much prayer to find just one good friend to make this life away from home somewhat bearable with so many amazing and wonderful new friends. I am truly blessed when I think of them too. I may not have chosen my family but I am blessed with them. I did chose my husband and I am blessed with him. I chose to have each of my children and they have blessed me beyond belief. I chose my friends back home and they are a blessing in and of itself. But my friends here in El Paso I know I did not chose, I know God chose them for me knowing I would need these amazing people in my life.
Then I began thinking about something a co-worker said to me today. I am blessed with an amazing set of women that I work with but one of the ladies said something that at first hit me or struck me the wrong way but then I started to think on it and really mull it over. I have had to cut drastically my hours at work. Chemo is not very conducive for working long hours on ones feet, running around after Pre-Toddlers and Toddlers alike. When I went to clock out one of my co-workers passed me in the hall and with her very tired face as she went to help my replacement with my class she said: Oh Mrs. Evy you are so lucky! I know she meant it because I get to leave by 10:15 every morning and she was saying it in an envious way like Oh why can't I get a break and leave early which kinda got me all defensive at first but even though I wanted to open my mouth and say: "Really? Lucky?? Let me tell you what I am going through!!" (not all my co-workers know about my health situation by the way) I felt the need, the urgency to just SHUT MY MOUTH! This woman I work with is a sweet young lady, she is tired from her long hours, she has her own situations to deal with and she has every right to say what she felt without some stressed out, over tired, over sensitive, 5 foot nothing of Latina fury coming at her. She did not mean it, I know, in any mean spirited way but at first I took it like that. I have to allow God to lead my spirit in a time like this. I can only shutter to think what would have happened to my wonderful work relationship with her and the others if I went full force and yelled at her saying what I wanted to say which was: "LUCKY?!?!?! HOW AM I LUCKY WHEN I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO, WHEN MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED AND I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, WHEN I AM WONDERING HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT LIFE KEEPS WANTING TO THROW AT ME!!!!!!" See how this would have probably led to some sort of conflict? I love that God knows everything and does not allow me to make such HUGE mistakes as this when I am struggling to know my place in this world. I smiled, maybe not genuinely, but, I smiled and I told her yea I guess so as I walked over to the office to go and clock out. On my ride home I began to stew over her comment. I know petty and childish but I stewed anyways. I wondered how this woman could think I was LUCKY when I felt like nothing, absolutely nothing was going my way. I began to talk to myself on my drive home, even insisting on going through the main road with all the stop lights instead of getting on the highway and shooting straight on home very quickly because I was being such a baby and wanting to stew over the silliest of comments. I was saying things like, how lucky am I really with my paycheck being cut more than half of what I used to bring home? How am I lucky that I have to have chemo and have begun losing my hair? How lucky am I that if I try to eat even one lousy Bean Burrito from Taco Bell I wind up vomitting uncontrollably (this happened yesterday when I had the biggest craving for Taco Bell) and how lucky am I that my husband is deployed essentially leaving me a single mother right now. This last comment stopped me dead in my tracks of self pity and self loathing. You see this woman works such long hours to support her two children that she raises all alone, not because her husband is deployed but because she really is a single mom while I am a "single mom" for a small season of my life until my husband comes home again. This woman is currently working such long hours because she needs the money to find a home for her and her two kids. This woman anytime I have ever asked her for anything at work has always been more than helpful to me even though I am just the part timer and she works full time. This woman never meant her comment maliciously and for some reason whether it was the hormones, the lack of sleep or just me being a bit touchy I chose to take the comment for something it never was. God spoke to me through my noise in my head telling me I had every right to be bitter and sour and told me that I need to pretty much get over myself and realize hey she has her feelings and I have mine. She has her situations and I have mine. I can pray for her situations and she and others can pray for mine. I can be the God that she sees or I can be the world that she sees and the choice is mine. I humbled myself right then and there. I stopped my own woe is me and prayed to God please allow me to empty myself of myself and fill myself of HIM.
God can talk to us through it all. Whether we are having our quiet time with him, we are in the midst of trials, or even when we are in the midst of rejoicing. God can speak to us through others, like my son who has begun his Christmas Countdown focusing on Jesus and not Santa or the toys. He can speak to us through the noise too like when we are waging an internal war with ourselves. God is in the midst of it all and we need to focus more and more on Him. He speaks to us each and every day but it is up to us to listen to Him. I am learning to do just that. I want to become closer to God, to know that I am in a deeper and greater relationship with Him. I want to hear Him in the quiet and in the noise, I want to hear Him when in trials and when in rejoicing. I want to be closer to HIM.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them
eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them
out of my hand." John 10:27-28
"My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with
you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to
understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for
understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for
hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 21:1-5
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God." John 8:47
Thank you readers for all your continued prayers and as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Friday, December 7, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Learning to Let Go and Allow God to Take Over
Oh readers where do I begin, where do I begin? Well first and foremost I have been mistaken. I thought the treatment I was undergoing was radiation when alas it is not. I am undergoing Chemotherapy instead. So let me explain my situation here a minute. OK so I was blissfully ignorant one day sitting on my recliner, relaxing almost half asleep when I get a text message from a friend. She asks me what type of Radiation I was receiving. I remember the doctor talking to me about Radiation so I tell her the name that I remember hearing from the doctor. Oh readers this is when my blissful ignorance just jumped out the window and said to me: "See you later sucker!!" because my wonderful friend was conversing with another wonderful friend of mine and they were talking about how things did not seem to add up with me. These wonderful people assumed I was lying to them telling them my condition wasn't as bad as it really was because the Radiation I thought I was having was some hardcore stuff. Oh My Lanta was I scared to death now because they sent me the link explaining my form of Radiation (or what I thought was my form of Radiation) and first off that is some hardcore treatment and second of all it was not consistent with the form of cancer they said they are battling with right now. So what do I do? I PANIC!! All I could think about was what is happening? Am I dying right now? What will happen to my children since my husband is deployed? Would I ever see my husband again? Oh the thoughts, the negative thoughts were so endless and so consuming that it was a Friday night and I called the doctors office (mind you they are closed and I leave a frantic message with an unsuspecting, poor telephone operator saying I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY ONCOLOGIST IMMEDIATELY. Her first reaction is to tell me ma'am do you need an ambulance? Do you need to go to the ER? Now all I ask her is if I show up at the ER will my Oncologist be there? To this she answered no and I told her then why do I want to go to the ER? Poor woman was just attempting to do her job and I am sure she did not think she would get a call from a psycho person when she answered the phone that faithful Friday evening. I waited and waited. Man do you know how hard it is to wait when you are panicked? Oh you do? Well then you know how my weekend went. Finally I get to see my doctor. Poor guy because between talking with my friends and now thinking as clearly as I could I arrived at my appointment with a list. A WHOLE LIST of questions for this unsuspecting Oncologist and part of me wondered if he thought hey maybe I should just magically start taking off the days this woman has to come in for her treatments because this tiny Puerto Rican woman is going to be the end of me! Well I was a nervous wreck and I am thankful for the wonderful woman who goes along with me to my appointments because she really stayed calm, she helped calm me down and afterwards shared in a good laugh with me over my expense at NOT LISTENING TO THE DOCTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE! Readers I can not stress this enough: Always listen to your doctor when they are giving you instructions, information and treatment information. You see last time I had radiation so this time apparently when they mentioned I was back in this battle I must have zoned out and only thought about last time. I remember him saying that I was going in to have blood work, I remember him talking about treatments and I remember him saying IV so I put it all together in my crazy mind and said ok I am having radiation like last time but this time through and IV. Oh well that was not the case. He discussed all treatments with me telling me that what I was going to have was chemo but no that did not stick in my head the first time. Oh My Lanta why oh why did I not listen????
Well so here we are. I have finished two weeks of Chemo and will be starting my third week this week. I have learned so much though in this past two weeks. Lesson One being to listen to your doctor and not get the wrong information to begin with. Lesson Two being that others are there for you. This lesson even though it seems easy enough for someone who struggles with asking for anything it is hard. I have had to learn that guess what as much as I want to be Wonder Woman, I mean hey first of all she is a knock out, who wouldn't want to look like her and have those fun toys like the invisible jet and that cool lasso thing, I am not her and I can not do it all. I have had to learn to say that I can not do something. And for someone like me who is always wanting to and feeling like she has something to prove saying I can not do something is a huge deal for me. I love my kids and I love doing everything I can for them but lately everything I can is just not a whole lot. I am tired so much and I am worn out easily. I have had to release control of things in the house to them. Are they getting done? Yea. Are they getting done the way I like and how I like? Nope but hey at least it is getting done and done by someone I love. I have had to at work admit that I can not do it all either. Oh I love that I found a job finally that I know I am good at and that I feel fulfilled with but it is so demanding. I have had to cut my hours drastically. Not so good for my wallet but very good for my health. I have had to tell family I am not strong enough to do certain things like Christmas shopping. I have always wanted my family to see me as strong and capable, to see me as the woman I always saw when I looked in the mirror and not the little girl I thought they always saw when they looked at me that needed taking care of, but now I had to admit I am weak right now and even shopping for Christmas is too hard on my body. I have had to face the reality that I am not who I always wanted to be but that is just for now because this time shall pass and I know my Lord will restore my strength but in the mean time I need to rely on Him and the people he has placed in my life. And lesson three is to have faith that can move mountains. Last time I did not feel shaken up by my diagnosis, last time though I had my husband's help, I had the knowledge of my mother coming to care for me, I had a peace but this time around I have felt defeated. I feel despair and fear and I do not like that feeling so I need my faith, my mountain moving faith to know I can overcome this. I have learned that God will give me the strength each and every day. I am seeing my healing as a day by day thing and if I survive each day, through God's strength because I know I have no strength as my own then I have received my healing.
Readers, I can not stress enough to first and foremost listen when your doctor is talking to you. It saves so much heart ache and stress, and secondly know that our strength comes from God. He gives us the ability to survive each day. Truth be told there are mornings I do not find within my own strength to get up and out of bed and there were days like that even before the Chemo but I do it and not through me or through my own strength, will power or what not but through Christ. Leaning on Him and allowing Him to care for me. I know its a struggle and its a challenge. I know there will be days when I feel fine and days when I feel an inch from the grave. I know there are good times and there are terrible times but I plan to pass each day talking to my God, leaning on my God, depending on my God. My husband is overseas right now, my parents and sisters are on the other side of this country, but God is always with me. He has never left nor forsaken me and the best part is that He put these amazing people in my life to love me, care for me, and kick me in butt when I do not ask for help. God has my back each and every day and because of that I know He will always be there for me.
Thanks readers for reading along and following me on my journey.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Well so here we are. I have finished two weeks of Chemo and will be starting my third week this week. I have learned so much though in this past two weeks. Lesson One being to listen to your doctor and not get the wrong information to begin with. Lesson Two being that others are there for you. This lesson even though it seems easy enough for someone who struggles with asking for anything it is hard. I have had to learn that guess what as much as I want to be Wonder Woman, I mean hey first of all she is a knock out, who wouldn't want to look like her and have those fun toys like the invisible jet and that cool lasso thing, I am not her and I can not do it all. I have had to learn to say that I can not do something. And for someone like me who is always wanting to and feeling like she has something to prove saying I can not do something is a huge deal for me. I love my kids and I love doing everything I can for them but lately everything I can is just not a whole lot. I am tired so much and I am worn out easily. I have had to release control of things in the house to them. Are they getting done? Yea. Are they getting done the way I like and how I like? Nope but hey at least it is getting done and done by someone I love. I have had to at work admit that I can not do it all either. Oh I love that I found a job finally that I know I am good at and that I feel fulfilled with but it is so demanding. I have had to cut my hours drastically. Not so good for my wallet but very good for my health. I have had to tell family I am not strong enough to do certain things like Christmas shopping. I have always wanted my family to see me as strong and capable, to see me as the woman I always saw when I looked in the mirror and not the little girl I thought they always saw when they looked at me that needed taking care of, but now I had to admit I am weak right now and even shopping for Christmas is too hard on my body. I have had to face the reality that I am not who I always wanted to be but that is just for now because this time shall pass and I know my Lord will restore my strength but in the mean time I need to rely on Him and the people he has placed in my life. And lesson three is to have faith that can move mountains. Last time I did not feel shaken up by my diagnosis, last time though I had my husband's help, I had the knowledge of my mother coming to care for me, I had a peace but this time around I have felt defeated. I feel despair and fear and I do not like that feeling so I need my faith, my mountain moving faith to know I can overcome this. I have learned that God will give me the strength each and every day. I am seeing my healing as a day by day thing and if I survive each day, through God's strength because I know I have no strength as my own then I have received my healing.
Readers, I can not stress enough to first and foremost listen when your doctor is talking to you. It saves so much heart ache and stress, and secondly know that our strength comes from God. He gives us the ability to survive each day. Truth be told there are mornings I do not find within my own strength to get up and out of bed and there were days like that even before the Chemo but I do it and not through me or through my own strength, will power or what not but through Christ. Leaning on Him and allowing Him to care for me. I know its a struggle and its a challenge. I know there will be days when I feel fine and days when I feel an inch from the grave. I know there are good times and there are terrible times but I plan to pass each day talking to my God, leaning on my God, depending on my God. My husband is overseas right now, my parents and sisters are on the other side of this country, but God is always with me. He has never left nor forsaken me and the best part is that He put these amazing people in my life to love me, care for me, and kick me in butt when I do not ask for help. God has my back each and every day and because of that I know He will always be there for me.
Thanks readers for reading along and following me on my journey.
And as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Here We Go Again...
Well readers I have debated the past couple of weeks on whether I would come back to this blog and start documenting my journey or not. I debated on whether I would announce I am back in this battle again not only here on my blog but in my personal life again. I debated on whether I would beg my husband's chain of command to allow him to stay from this deployment and take care of me and then I realized. I realized that I have always believed that God does not place things in our lives that He has not already equipped us to handle. That He does not allow things to come into our lives not already knowing the outcome and no matter what I choose to do or not the outcome will be what it is because it is in God's will.
Well I am back in my journey with Cancer. I did not share this with everyone last time but about 2 months or so after my surgery I was found to have a mutation in my ovaries (why they just would not remove them from the get go is still strange to me) and so I had to undergo a very low dose of radiation. The one round of radiation and the mutation was no longer found again when I went back for the follow-up. I thought this is awesome I am completely cancer free now. Well it has been 3 months since I did the radiation and guess what? It's back. They found more mutation and because it has only been three months since the last time they want to do 2 rounds of radiation this time and a stronger dosage as well.
My heart sank readers. This time I felt like I could not find any joy, any humor, any peace in my life. I felt at first like my God completely forgot about me and now not only do I have to face this but I have to face it alone. My husband is deployed, had to leave right after I found out about the need for more radiation. I was given the choice to inform his chain of command and have him stay. Truthfully the scared little girl inside me screamed out: PLEASE STAY! But the words never left my mouth for some reason. I know God did not allow them to because every fiber in my being wanted to beg, plead, bargain and do anything else it would take for him to stay and yet like I was paralyed to act on those feelings. My husband now currently is overseas.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw my hands up and quit and I couldn't. I know there is a reason this is happening again and I know one day whether it will be here on earth or up in glory with my God I will know the reason but as of today, November 12, 2012, I do not know why I have to go through this again.
I thought about last time. I thought about how I was ok with my diagnosis because I knew that my God was greater than the cancer but there were others who were not ok with it. I thought maybe I will keep this to myself. I thought about the stress I put on my family and friends last time, the worry they went through because of me and I thought maybe I should keep this all to myself and then I remembered the countless emails I received from women I never even met, but read my story, my journey last time. How they had come to find a peace with God because of what they read in this blog. Then I looked down at the shirt I am currently wearing, the one I received at this year's Relay For Life that says: "Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back" and on the back says: "I AM HOPE!" And I am reminded that others are benefitting from hearing all that God is doing and all the work He is doing in me by healing me, giving me strength, hope, peace. I am reminded that this may not even be about me but by sharing this I may reach someone who doesn't know God and his amazing healing power. My journey as much as my narcisstic side may want to think it is all about me it really is not! Its all about God and His work in me.
I am reminded of those who have come before me. Those who battled and those who won, those who lost but those who gained the ultimate prize of finishing the race and now are rejoicing with God.
Last time I dealt with some things that I did not want to deal with and so was putting off writing again about my journey or even telling anyone about it but God kept convicting me to write and I have rebelled and not done so and have been ashamed that I did not obey and trust in Him. I am not claiming cancer again. I am just stating a fact of where I am at in my journey again. I am not saying that I am not claiming cancer because my faith is strong enough to heal me because my faith has nothing to do with the fact that I have cancer or not. My faith allows me to cope but it is up to God whether I get healing or not and I know my faith is right in Him.
Tomorrow readers I begin my first round of the two rounds of radiation. I ask for prayer that I can withstand this to the best of my ability through Christ. I know it is going to be hard but I pray that I can find my joy and peace again like before.
"For I will restore health to you,
and your wounds I will heal,
declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17
thanks for everything readers and as always
be blessed in Him!!
Well I am back in my journey with Cancer. I did not share this with everyone last time but about 2 months or so after my surgery I was found to have a mutation in my ovaries (why they just would not remove them from the get go is still strange to me) and so I had to undergo a very low dose of radiation. The one round of radiation and the mutation was no longer found again when I went back for the follow-up. I thought this is awesome I am completely cancer free now. Well it has been 3 months since I did the radiation and guess what? It's back. They found more mutation and because it has only been three months since the last time they want to do 2 rounds of radiation this time and a stronger dosage as well.
My heart sank readers. This time I felt like I could not find any joy, any humor, any peace in my life. I felt at first like my God completely forgot about me and now not only do I have to face this but I have to face it alone. My husband is deployed, had to leave right after I found out about the need for more radiation. I was given the choice to inform his chain of command and have him stay. Truthfully the scared little girl inside me screamed out: PLEASE STAY! But the words never left my mouth for some reason. I know God did not allow them to because every fiber in my being wanted to beg, plead, bargain and do anything else it would take for him to stay and yet like I was paralyed to act on those feelings. My husband now currently is overseas.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw my hands up and quit and I couldn't. I know there is a reason this is happening again and I know one day whether it will be here on earth or up in glory with my God I will know the reason but as of today, November 12, 2012, I do not know why I have to go through this again.
I thought about last time. I thought about how I was ok with my diagnosis because I knew that my God was greater than the cancer but there were others who were not ok with it. I thought maybe I will keep this to myself. I thought about the stress I put on my family and friends last time, the worry they went through because of me and I thought maybe I should keep this all to myself and then I remembered the countless emails I received from women I never even met, but read my story, my journey last time. How they had come to find a peace with God because of what they read in this blog. Then I looked down at the shirt I am currently wearing, the one I received at this year's Relay For Life that says: "Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back" and on the back says: "I AM HOPE!" And I am reminded that others are benefitting from hearing all that God is doing and all the work He is doing in me by healing me, giving me strength, hope, peace. I am reminded that this may not even be about me but by sharing this I may reach someone who doesn't know God and his amazing healing power. My journey as much as my narcisstic side may want to think it is all about me it really is not! Its all about God and His work in me.
I am reminded of those who have come before me. Those who battled and those who won, those who lost but those who gained the ultimate prize of finishing the race and now are rejoicing with God.
Last time I dealt with some things that I did not want to deal with and so was putting off writing again about my journey or even telling anyone about it but God kept convicting me to write and I have rebelled and not done so and have been ashamed that I did not obey and trust in Him. I am not claiming cancer again. I am just stating a fact of where I am at in my journey again. I am not saying that I am not claiming cancer because my faith is strong enough to heal me because my faith has nothing to do with the fact that I have cancer or not. My faith allows me to cope but it is up to God whether I get healing or not and I know my faith is right in Him.
Tomorrow readers I begin my first round of the two rounds of radiation. I ask for prayer that I can withstand this to the best of my ability through Christ. I know it is going to be hard but I pray that I can find my joy and peace again like before.
"For I will restore health to you,
and your wounds I will heal,
declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17
thanks for everything readers and as always
be blessed in Him!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Suriving the Wilderness and Firsts
Lately my life seems to be turned upside and not necessarily in a bad way. I am a 34 year old woman and the thought of my life still experiencing firsts in anything is something I did not think could be possible but alas it is. Whether my life is experiencing firsts because of the Army, because of school, because of my health, my life or whatnot I am in a flux of experiencing first times through it all.
Last week my family went on a mini retreat/vacation. Oh it was wonderful. It was our first time up in a mountain lodge. It was the first time I got a "free" vacation because it was covered through the Army. You see the Army in an attempt to help families deal with the stresses that go along with this lifestyle gives out these Marriage Retreats to allow couples to find their way back to each other. I learned a lot not only about myself but about my marriage in this retreat and even though my husband and I have been blessed to be together in our marriage for the past 13 years we still had a lot to learn about communicating effectively with one another and how to be successful in this thing called love. I laugh because a soldier was there with his family and wife (mind you they all were soldiers with their families) but he worked for the Army newspaper here on post and was not only attending the retreat to learn more about his marriage but was covering the retreat to write about it for the newspaper. My husband and I were the couple there who has been married the longest (aside from the Chaplain that is) and so on our last day there this soldier decided to get our take on the retreat. See if it really was beneficial for a couple who has been married past a decade. First let me stop you there. I find it funny that being married past a decade now a days is a big deal and I think it speaks volumes for our culture now a days but I believe this is another topic for a another blog post. He asked us what it is that we learned the most in this retreat. My husband and I looked at each other and we answered almost simultaneously that we learned about communication. This soldier looked at us like we had lost our minds. How can you possibly be married 13 years and not know how to communicate? Well we explained that we learned how to "better" communicate with one another. This retreat also served to get me out in the real wild for the first time ever. Readers I am not now nor have I ever been a "nature" person. I do not enjoy long hikes through the wilderness, I have never been camping, I do not even enjoy critters of the wild except for on TV or in pictures but here I was up in the mountains and there they were: CRITTERS! Oh my lanta did I almost have nervous breakdowns but in hindsight I am glad I was able to experience this at some point in my life.
We were up there and had gotten released for some family time to enjoy the area and so my husband who was the happiest I had ever seen him up there decides to just take us out driving around. We go through this one street where we see another lodge and what looks to be deer. Later on we find out that they were not deer but Elk. They were so docile and allow you to get within about five feet of them to take pictures. I had never seen this. All my encounters in the past with deer have been that they see humans and take off faster than you can get your smart phone camera out to take a picture. These guys were among people, large crowds of people and as happy as can be. Then we drive a little further down and my oldest daughter mentions that she sees a bear! A BEAR!! That is right. You see when we first checked into the lodge I noticed ALL the decorations were bears, I mean ALL the decorations but never in my wildest dreams would I imagine we would see one, let alone FIVE bears and these too were up close and personal. Oh my fear kicked in full force and my husband and kids decided hey this is a fun way to tease mom! Needless to say I am writing this blog post and so I survived my close encounter with critters in the Wilderness.
Then it is time to drive home. Mind you readers this place is about 2 1/2 hours from where we live here in the massive heat of the desert but on our way home while still fairly high up on the mountain it begins to rain which the rain turns into snow! Snow 2 days before JULY! Never have I experience snow even the slightest amount in the SUMMER. I mean this past winter was my very first snow ever!
We arrive home with only an hour to spare before Relay for Life. How is this surviving Wilderness you might ask? Oh let me tell you. So Relay for Life is about a 12 hour event through the night. The night people! So you are permitted to set up tents and "camp out" per se at the track! I have like I mentioned early never even camped and the thought of putting up a tent, setting one down, or even laying down inside one is something I have never, ever done! I have to be honest, I did not set the tent up. I saw my husband struggling with that thing and was never ever grateful in my life for taking laps around a field like I was this time. Relay for Life was wonderful though. It was not only my first time even participating in the event but my first time participating and being a SURVIVOR. Oh it was beautiful. I was able to talk to other survivors and hear their stories and find encouragement through them. I can see why Relay for Life is done as an over night event where you feel the anguish and despair of the night creeping along and the tiredness you feel as you are there and even though some could sleep through a portion of it for someone like me it was not a possibility. I could not sleep because of all the lights up in the track, all the noise going around whether it was the DJ, the music or even the talking, I could not sleep due to the immense heat outside and the hard floor but it was an experience I am surely never going to forget and already know I plan to do this every year until they find a way to end this miserable thing called CANCER. My son, my 9 year old son, impressed me beyond words when he not only stayed up all night but he decided to walk the track and walked/ran 6 whole miles! It made my heart soar to see him and my husband actively participating in something that meant so much to me. My daughters blew me away too by actively taking over watching all the little ones and entertaining them so the grown ups did not have to worry about them. Writing this and remembering all my family did for me that night is actually making me cry because it showed how much they care about something that I care so much about.
I do have another first that has happened and that I have kept to myself but I will continue to keep to myself for the time being until I sit down and disclose it to some of my really close friends here first. Thank you for reading along with my craziness and I hope you enjoyed my stories.
"I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land." Isaiah 43:19. I like this verse because I am in the desert and I know God is making a way for me and this is why I am experiencing new things, new firsts in my life. Again readers thank you for coming along with me on this ride through my life and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Last week my family went on a mini retreat/vacation. Oh it was wonderful. It was our first time up in a mountain lodge. It was the first time I got a "free" vacation because it was covered through the Army. You see the Army in an attempt to help families deal with the stresses that go along with this lifestyle gives out these Marriage Retreats to allow couples to find their way back to each other. I learned a lot not only about myself but about my marriage in this retreat and even though my husband and I have been blessed to be together in our marriage for the past 13 years we still had a lot to learn about communicating effectively with one another and how to be successful in this thing called love. I laugh because a soldier was there with his family and wife (mind you they all were soldiers with their families) but he worked for the Army newspaper here on post and was not only attending the retreat to learn more about his marriage but was covering the retreat to write about it for the newspaper. My husband and I were the couple there who has been married the longest (aside from the Chaplain that is) and so on our last day there this soldier decided to get our take on the retreat. See if it really was beneficial for a couple who has been married past a decade. First let me stop you there. I find it funny that being married past a decade now a days is a big deal and I think it speaks volumes for our culture now a days but I believe this is another topic for a another blog post. He asked us what it is that we learned the most in this retreat. My husband and I looked at each other and we answered almost simultaneously that we learned about communication. This soldier looked at us like we had lost our minds. How can you possibly be married 13 years and not know how to communicate? Well we explained that we learned how to "better" communicate with one another. This retreat also served to get me out in the real wild for the first time ever. Readers I am not now nor have I ever been a "nature" person. I do not enjoy long hikes through the wilderness, I have never been camping, I do not even enjoy critters of the wild except for on TV or in pictures but here I was up in the mountains and there they were: CRITTERS! Oh my lanta did I almost have nervous breakdowns but in hindsight I am glad I was able to experience this at some point in my life.
We were up there and had gotten released for some family time to enjoy the area and so my husband who was the happiest I had ever seen him up there decides to just take us out driving around. We go through this one street where we see another lodge and what looks to be deer. Later on we find out that they were not deer but Elk. They were so docile and allow you to get within about five feet of them to take pictures. I had never seen this. All my encounters in the past with deer have been that they see humans and take off faster than you can get your smart phone camera out to take a picture. These guys were among people, large crowds of people and as happy as can be. Then we drive a little further down and my oldest daughter mentions that she sees a bear! A BEAR!! That is right. You see when we first checked into the lodge I noticed ALL the decorations were bears, I mean ALL the decorations but never in my wildest dreams would I imagine we would see one, let alone FIVE bears and these too were up close and personal. Oh my fear kicked in full force and my husband and kids decided hey this is a fun way to tease mom! Needless to say I am writing this blog post and so I survived my close encounter with critters in the Wilderness.
Then it is time to drive home. Mind you readers this place is about 2 1/2 hours from where we live here in the massive heat of the desert but on our way home while still fairly high up on the mountain it begins to rain which the rain turns into snow! Snow 2 days before JULY! Never have I experience snow even the slightest amount in the SUMMER. I mean this past winter was my very first snow ever!
We arrive home with only an hour to spare before Relay for Life. How is this surviving Wilderness you might ask? Oh let me tell you. So Relay for Life is about a 12 hour event through the night. The night people! So you are permitted to set up tents and "camp out" per se at the track! I have like I mentioned early never even camped and the thought of putting up a tent, setting one down, or even laying down inside one is something I have never, ever done! I have to be honest, I did not set the tent up. I saw my husband struggling with that thing and was never ever grateful in my life for taking laps around a field like I was this time. Relay for Life was wonderful though. It was not only my first time even participating in the event but my first time participating and being a SURVIVOR. Oh it was beautiful. I was able to talk to other survivors and hear their stories and find encouragement through them. I can see why Relay for Life is done as an over night event where you feel the anguish and despair of the night creeping along and the tiredness you feel as you are there and even though some could sleep through a portion of it for someone like me it was not a possibility. I could not sleep because of all the lights up in the track, all the noise going around whether it was the DJ, the music or even the talking, I could not sleep due to the immense heat outside and the hard floor but it was an experience I am surely never going to forget and already know I plan to do this every year until they find a way to end this miserable thing called CANCER. My son, my 9 year old son, impressed me beyond words when he not only stayed up all night but he decided to walk the track and walked/ran 6 whole miles! It made my heart soar to see him and my husband actively participating in something that meant so much to me. My daughters blew me away too by actively taking over watching all the little ones and entertaining them so the grown ups did not have to worry about them. Writing this and remembering all my family did for me that night is actually making me cry because it showed how much they care about something that I care so much about.
I do have another first that has happened and that I have kept to myself but I will continue to keep to myself for the time being until I sit down and disclose it to some of my really close friends here first. Thank you for reading along with my craziness and I hope you enjoyed my stories.
"I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land." Isaiah 43:19. I like this verse because I am in the desert and I know God is making a way for me and this is why I am experiencing new things, new firsts in my life. Again readers thank you for coming along with me on this ride through my life and as always:
Be Blessed in HIM!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Surviving The Chaos I Call Life
Hi readers. Sorry I seem to lately be so caught up and forget to sit down for a couple of minutes just to be able to get a post out there.
Today is just one of those days and I am sure you all have experienced them where I feel down and out. I hate that I feel down and out because I love being able to just laugh, just smile or even find the humor in places most people forget to look for the humor in life but today I woke up with a sour disposition, my son came and jumped in bed with me like he loves to do and I played with him but it felt forced. It felt forced to play with my 9 year old and that is not something I like! I love seeing him laugh. I love seeing him try to make me laugh or him just cuddle up with me, wrap himself up in my covers and just say: " I love you mommy" but today it was hard.
Have you ever woken up and just the sight of sunshine coming through your window hurt? I mean physically hurt? Hurt your eyes, hurt your head, hurt your body, hurt your bones? Ugh today that is what I woke up to and I have to say I do not like it! I then after about an hour of playing with my son got up and discover that the pug had gotten into my bathroom and the mess he made, well lets just say I felt like turning around, holding it in, and just crawl back in bed under the covers because I was just way to upset but I got down and picked up all the overturned trash, the trash I had begged my husband to take out yesterday because it was trash day (and we only have one trash day a week here) and continued on with my day. But lo and behold what do I find when I get to the living room/dinning room? A mess! A mess that I have no idea why it is there because I left yesterday with my kids to go to the church and help set up for the end of the year party at about 12:30 and didn't return to until I sent them all to bed so why I ask is there a MESS?!?! This time I am not obliged to start cleaning it all up because I am in desperate need of coffee. I need something to erase this funk! So readers I get to the kitchen and one gazillion points to the reader who can tell me what I discovered in the kitchen? Dum, dum, dummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes one gazillion points to the reader who yelled out A MESS! Seriously?!?!?! You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! We didn't even eat dinner here last night! So I just look at the mess and this time strongly consider running away to an abandoned island where no one calls me MOM, Hunny or anything of the sort!
I feel down. I feel defeated and deflated because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do nothing seems enough, nothing seems like there is even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, nothing absolutely nothing feels like it is going my way. I have been trying and working my tail off to enroll my kids in online school for next year and because we are in the grand ole state of Texas and my children have been homeschooled for the past 5 years they will not enroll them AT ALL! New legislation prohibits homeschooled children to enroll in online Public School and with the school system and all I have learned about it here in El Paso this past year I refuse to subject my children to that. I know some of you are thinking either I am exaggerating or I am too paranoid but I promise you I am not. There is only one school I would be willing to enroll my kids in and I submitted applications for them but they are on a wait list so I am now just waiting and seeing. Waiting and seeing.... boy is that the story of my life.
Then comes the fact that financially we are struggling and even though I may have nice things in my house people assume we are ok but we are not. It is just that I have had them for a while or with the income tax we have acquired them and believe it or not we have had our fair share of trips to the pawn shop just to be able to put food on the table every month. I have been looking but what kind of work is ok to do when you are a homeschool mom? Its hard. Then the hubby offered to get a small part time on the weekends but how would that work when he is in the Army? I mean for one we will never see him and I really do not want money to be the reason my marriage suffers, two what if he has to go out on a mission or when they go out into the field for 30 days or worse deploys? And three I feel I should be the one working even if it is part time. He is the one with the full time job so why can't I contribute too but getting a job is NOT easy! I have looked, I have searched and even though I am bilingual guess what? I do not get the jobs I apply for!
I know readers I am here throwing my own little pity party and I am sorry but if you choose to read on I will gladly have the violinist play you your favorite saddest song and give you a party hat as well. LOL No readers I am just not used to feeling like this. I have always been optimistic, the glass is half full, looking for the silver lining, and trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I really feel down, I feel depressed and I hate this feeling. Each of these setbacks in life is not earth shattering, heart breaking or soul ripping as I feel but together they make me feel like I am drowning in a sea of despair. Then I realize how wrong I am. We have a family in our church really going through hard times and I feel selfish, petty, and down right wrong for having this pity party myself but I can not shake this feeling of just utter despair. I need to find my happiness, I need to find my comfort and I know he is out there and just because I feel this way does not mean I do not know that my God is not there for me I know this is on me. This feeling is on me because I know my rock, my comfort is there to hold me when I feel weak and I need to allow myself to fall at his feet and tell him I am done and I need you now more then ever before and I have but I have to face that all things happen for a reason and according to His will and not mine. There is a reason my children are not being allowed enrollment in to the online schools and I know God will reveal it to me in his time, I know there is a reason for the financial hardship and He will see us through it in His time, I know there is even a reason behind the chaos that is my house, my life, my family and for the most part I relish the chaos because it is who I am but right now I need peace and I need understanding that only can come from the Lord. I need His strength in my life.
A friend of mine said last night that she chooses to not be perfect and I know to most that does not sound 100% right or logical but I totally see the reasoning behind those words. If we are perfect than why would we need a God and I for one especially today, need a God. I need to know that I am broken, I need to know that I am what my daughter calls a HOT MESS because I need Him to pick me up, I need Him to hold me and right now I need Him to tell me everything is gonna be alright and that He will see us through it all.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
Readers thanks for reading along with me and my pity party this time. I pray next post I can find the humor and share some funny stories like I love to do.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Today is just one of those days and I am sure you all have experienced them where I feel down and out. I hate that I feel down and out because I love being able to just laugh, just smile or even find the humor in places most people forget to look for the humor in life but today I woke up with a sour disposition, my son came and jumped in bed with me like he loves to do and I played with him but it felt forced. It felt forced to play with my 9 year old and that is not something I like! I love seeing him laugh. I love seeing him try to make me laugh or him just cuddle up with me, wrap himself up in my covers and just say: " I love you mommy" but today it was hard.
Have you ever woken up and just the sight of sunshine coming through your window hurt? I mean physically hurt? Hurt your eyes, hurt your head, hurt your body, hurt your bones? Ugh today that is what I woke up to and I have to say I do not like it! I then after about an hour of playing with my son got up and discover that the pug had gotten into my bathroom and the mess he made, well lets just say I felt like turning around, holding it in, and just crawl back in bed under the covers because I was just way to upset but I got down and picked up all the overturned trash, the trash I had begged my husband to take out yesterday because it was trash day (and we only have one trash day a week here) and continued on with my day. But lo and behold what do I find when I get to the living room/dinning room? A mess! A mess that I have no idea why it is there because I left yesterday with my kids to go to the church and help set up for the end of the year party at about 12:30 and didn't return to until I sent them all to bed so why I ask is there a MESS?!?! This time I am not obliged to start cleaning it all up because I am in desperate need of coffee. I need something to erase this funk! So readers I get to the kitchen and one gazillion points to the reader who can tell me what I discovered in the kitchen? Dum, dum, dummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes one gazillion points to the reader who yelled out A MESS! Seriously?!?!?! You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! We didn't even eat dinner here last night! So I just look at the mess and this time strongly consider running away to an abandoned island where no one calls me MOM, Hunny or anything of the sort!
I feel down. I feel defeated and deflated because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do nothing seems enough, nothing seems like there is even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, nothing absolutely nothing feels like it is going my way. I have been trying and working my tail off to enroll my kids in online school for next year and because we are in the grand ole state of Texas and my children have been homeschooled for the past 5 years they will not enroll them AT ALL! New legislation prohibits homeschooled children to enroll in online Public School and with the school system and all I have learned about it here in El Paso this past year I refuse to subject my children to that. I know some of you are thinking either I am exaggerating or I am too paranoid but I promise you I am not. There is only one school I would be willing to enroll my kids in and I submitted applications for them but they are on a wait list so I am now just waiting and seeing. Waiting and seeing.... boy is that the story of my life.
Then comes the fact that financially we are struggling and even though I may have nice things in my house people assume we are ok but we are not. It is just that I have had them for a while or with the income tax we have acquired them and believe it or not we have had our fair share of trips to the pawn shop just to be able to put food on the table every month. I have been looking but what kind of work is ok to do when you are a homeschool mom? Its hard. Then the hubby offered to get a small part time on the weekends but how would that work when he is in the Army? I mean for one we will never see him and I really do not want money to be the reason my marriage suffers, two what if he has to go out on a mission or when they go out into the field for 30 days or worse deploys? And three I feel I should be the one working even if it is part time. He is the one with the full time job so why can't I contribute too but getting a job is NOT easy! I have looked, I have searched and even though I am bilingual guess what? I do not get the jobs I apply for!
I know readers I am here throwing my own little pity party and I am sorry but if you choose to read on I will gladly have the violinist play you your favorite saddest song and give you a party hat as well. LOL No readers I am just not used to feeling like this. I have always been optimistic, the glass is half full, looking for the silver lining, and trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I really feel down, I feel depressed and I hate this feeling. Each of these setbacks in life is not earth shattering, heart breaking or soul ripping as I feel but together they make me feel like I am drowning in a sea of despair. Then I realize how wrong I am. We have a family in our church really going through hard times and I feel selfish, petty, and down right wrong for having this pity party myself but I can not shake this feeling of just utter despair. I need to find my happiness, I need to find my comfort and I know he is out there and just because I feel this way does not mean I do not know that my God is not there for me I know this is on me. This feeling is on me because I know my rock, my comfort is there to hold me when I feel weak and I need to allow myself to fall at his feet and tell him I am done and I need you now more then ever before and I have but I have to face that all things happen for a reason and according to His will and not mine. There is a reason my children are not being allowed enrollment in to the online schools and I know God will reveal it to me in his time, I know there is a reason for the financial hardship and He will see us through it in His time, I know there is even a reason behind the chaos that is my house, my life, my family and for the most part I relish the chaos because it is who I am but right now I need peace and I need understanding that only can come from the Lord. I need His strength in my life.
A friend of mine said last night that she chooses to not be perfect and I know to most that does not sound 100% right or logical but I totally see the reasoning behind those words. If we are perfect than why would we need a God and I for one especially today, need a God. I need to know that I am broken, I need to know that I am what my daughter calls a HOT MESS because I need Him to pick me up, I need Him to hold me and right now I need Him to tell me everything is gonna be alright and that He will see us through it all.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
Readers thanks for reading along with me and my pity party this time. I pray next post I can find the humor and share some funny stories like I love to do.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Learning to Survive Learning New Things
Four weeks since surgery and all I can say is that life has been busy!! Surviving lately entails so much. I am trying to survive being a homemaker even though I can not do everything yet like before. I started cooking again since my husband was so good to attempt working full-time, dealing with a wife on "bed rest" and put those in quotations because I hated staying still and dealing with three kids, and three dogs. I am sure half the time he felt more like everyone was telling him this:
LOL poor guy but he was a trooper and he did the job even if it was doing it in his own method instead of the way mom usually does. I had to learn that even though things were not done the way I wanted them to be done, when I wanted them to be done and how I wanted them done they were getting done and that is all that matters. Who would have thought that having surgery, removing cancer, could teach you a lesson like this? Oh readers but it sure did.
Another lesson I learned during my supposed "bed rest" time was that unfortunately my children needed to be reminded constantly of their responsibilities. Readers I did not realize that my children seem to need me to remind them of the smallest, most trivial things in life. They can remember all the characters in Batman Comics Series, they can remember every lyric to their favorite song, and they can remember the names to every Skylander ever made but they do not remember to go eat a sandwich for lunch! How is that possible?!?! I am now going to take this time this summer and work on getting my children to learn responsibility without mom telling them what to do and when to do it. Readers before this surgery a part of me was scared. Something I never fully admitted to. I was scared that things would not go ok. I was scared that I left that morning to have the surgery and did not get to talk to my children before hand and tell them I love them or anything like that. I have learned that life is not guaranteed and that every single second counts so I want to take this time and teach my children how to survive in this world because mom won't always be there. But thinking about all this makes me remember a funny video. Let me share it with you right now.
Lord I am here worried that I have to remind my kids to eat!! I guess that is just a normal mom emotion. There is also homeschooling. Oh readers homeschooling has always been a joy for me. Really readers it has! I'm really not making that up. Stop laughing!! OK it may not have always been a joy but it always has been rewarding. I love teaching. I love learning about what I am going to teach them and I love absolutely love seeing that look in their eyes when they finally figured something out. Something that was puzzling them or something that they have a passion for but something happened this year for us. Well a lot of somethings happened this year for us and we have fallen behind. This school year has met us with trials, with issues that we have never faced and therefore we struggled through. The beginning of our school year we were dealing with not only being in a new place where we barely knew anyone and had no roots here to also dealing with daddy being deployed.
Saying goodbye was hard! My daughter had to celebrate her 12th birthday away from daddy, I had to celebrate my birthday for a second year in a row without my husband because the previous year was when he enlisted, my son celebrated his 9th birthday without daddy just like his 8th birthday as well. We also had issues with car problems, we had issues with neighbors, we had our very first company and holidays completely living the Army life, daddy came home early but issues with redeployment were still rough, after the holidays I decided to get myself checked out and discovered the tumor and had to be put on medication before the surgery, then we had the surgery and now we are where we are. Through it all we attempted homeschooling but somewhere in the mix the routine and the structure went out the window so I have decided that for next school year the kids will be more regimented and will be doing online Public School in hopes of getting them completely back on track. Lessons, lessons, lessons!
One would think that having cancer and surgery was enough but I guess not! LOL its ok because I know that my God would not be giving me these lessons to learn if I were not 1. meant to learn them and 2. capable of learning them. A good friend of mine the other day was talking about a book that read called Sun Stand Still.
This book talks about having audacious faith to ask God for what you believe to be impossible. You see for us there is so many things that seem to be impossible because we are mere humans without the ability to make our dreams, our hopes come into reality but we need to see that God can do all things. Doesn't the word tell us in Phillipians: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". 4:13. See here how the passage says that I can do all things but it does not state that we can do all things on our own. It does not state that we can do it through our own strength or through our own ability but we can do ALL things through Christ. When we took that step towards God and took that leap of faith saying: "I believe that Jesus was is the one and only son of God, that He came to earth to be born of a virgin, that He and He alone lived a sinless, pure life, and He died on the cross taking on the sins of the world so that we could be saved. He rose from the dead of His own power and ascended to the throne" than you have been given a power. You have been given the ability to call on His power to strengthen you. I have decided to begin something. I have decided to have the audacious faith like Joshua who asked God to allow the sun to stand still and not set for a full day so Israel can defeat its enemies. The purpose of this book is to ask what would you ask for if you truly believed that God will grant you your impossible. Well I do not want to post right now what I am asking God for. I want to pray on it, I want to spend time in the Word and with Him and I will be asking for my impossible right now. I do have a prayer request but do not feel called at the moment to fully share it but I promise you readers that when my request is answered because I am claiming it, I am having the audacious faith to believe that I will be given what I am asking for I will post praising God about getting my request fulfilled.
Readers I hope you have a blessed and glorious day and that you realize that you too can have the faith that Joshua had, that you can have the faith that will make your impossible a reality. And as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Another lesson I learned during my supposed "bed rest" time was that unfortunately my children needed to be reminded constantly of their responsibilities. Readers I did not realize that my children seem to need me to remind them of the smallest, most trivial things in life. They can remember all the characters in Batman Comics Series, they can remember every lyric to their favorite song, and they can remember the names to every Skylander ever made but they do not remember to go eat a sandwich for lunch! How is that possible?!?! I am now going to take this time this summer and work on getting my children to learn responsibility without mom telling them what to do and when to do it. Readers before this surgery a part of me was scared. Something I never fully admitted to. I was scared that things would not go ok. I was scared that I left that morning to have the surgery and did not get to talk to my children before hand and tell them I love them or anything like that. I have learned that life is not guaranteed and that every single second counts so I want to take this time and teach my children how to survive in this world because mom won't always be there. But thinking about all this makes me remember a funny video. Let me share it with you right now.
One would think that having cancer and surgery was enough but I guess not! LOL its ok because I know that my God would not be giving me these lessons to learn if I were not 1. meant to learn them and 2. capable of learning them. A good friend of mine the other day was talking about a book that read called Sun Stand Still.
Readers I hope you have a blessed and glorious day and that you realize that you too can have the faith that Joshua had, that you can have the faith that will make your impossible a reality. And as always
Be Blessed in HIM!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
I'm BACK!!!!!!!!
Hello Readers! I am coming to you writing from my now daughter's laptop, while lying in bed, and for the best part of all I am feeling like my old self again. I want to say I am completely cancer free and while I am claiming that in the name of Jesus I am still awaiting for my post op appointment that will take a good amount of time to arrive to fully find out. Oh readers I can not begin to express the happiness I feel. Yes I am on bed rest for the next 3 weeks and yes I am still feeling pain from the surgery but thankfully it is not as bad as it was when I first came home but I am happy because for the first time in about 2 months or so I feel like my old self is coming back. I am not on hormones anymore, I am not on a cocktail of meds which makes me either loopy or sick to my stomach, I am no longer feeling like I am on slow motion in a world that is at full speed and most importantly I found my smile again. I missed my smile. The worst part is that even though my laugh wants to come back full force for those who know me personally know that having my laugh back is right now painful. I laugh and my whole body shakes, I laugh from deep down inside and with a stomach with four holes in it and stitches still that is not a good combo.
So let me tell you all my latest adventure with the doctors and I hope to get a smile or giggle or even a laugh out of you guys. OK so I was told to be at the hospital to check in at Anesthesia at 0530 (like my use of military time? LOL) but I also had to before that go to administration to check in for my surgery. So the night before I did not sleep due to not only my nerves but the medications before surgery and so I arrive at the hospital at 0500 to give us enough time to find parking, to get checked in, and be at Anesthesia (which last time I went there for the pre-op appointment I was there for 5 1/2 hours) and set up in time for surgery. Needless to say with my luck my husband right away finds parking right next to the third floor entrance that we had to go into for administration. We go and check in and it took us not even 5 minutes so now I arrive at Anesthesia at 0510 which is 20 minutes earlier than what I was supposed to be there and let me tell you something, the military does not like you showing up late to an appointment and they do not like you showing up early either! We get to the sixth floor too early for the surgery and they were not even open! My hubby and I sat there in the waiting room for about 20 minutes until they opened. Now we have the nurse call us back and we check in with them and they put us in this room with two recliners and ask me to change into my hospital attire and give me the bad news! They need to draw more blood, I say more blood because the pre-op appointment I was at that lasted 5 1/2 hours they had to draw blood and they did not draw all that they needed to, I also say bad news because I have tiny, hidden deep veins and drawing blood is ALWAYS hard to do on me. Now I have this Leuitenant trying to find non-existentant veins on me for pre-surgery blood work. It took two sticks and about 15 minutes to get two lousy tubes of blood. Then I wait and I wait and I wait. Around 0800 is when they come to get me saying they are ready for me. I walk down the hall to the elevator and go down from the 6th floor to the 4th floor. I did not think I would be walking once I was there and walking while in my hospital attire. Not very pleasant. I get to the 4th floor and get put in a make-shift room (the size of a gurney and a small computer) where I am asked to now to lie down and get fully prepped for surgery by Anesthesia. I am extremely claustrophobic and in this makeshift room is my husband, my two surgeons, the two anesthisiologist, and myself. Not a pleasant feeling until they placed the IV in and told me they were giving me something in the IV to calm me down. Something to make it feel like I have had a couple of cocktails, mind you I don't drink so I know I am an underweight when it comes to having any cocktails/meds in me. I wonder why they thought they needed to calm me down. Maybe it was the fact that I was anxious about having major surgery and that I knew I was having this surgery because of cancer, maybe it was the fact that I was anxious being in such an enclosed space due to being claustrophobic, or maybe, just maybe it was the fact that the anesthiesiologist that was administering the meds looked like Doogie Howser and looked like he was not old enough to drive let alone be old enough to administer meds that would knock me out so two other people can cut into me! Who knows but after they administered the Happy Hour meds I was happy go lucky! Woo-hoo!! I could care less that I was in a matchbox size room, I could care less that I had cancer or needed surgery, I could care less that Doogie Howser was in there asking me questions and talking about knocking me out! I was happy! Apparently I was so giggly that my own doctor, my surgeon, wanted to make sure I knew what was happening. She asked me now tell me what it is that you are having done. Readers a part of me felt like messing with her at that point but I do not know why I did not. In my head I was saying I am having a tummy tuck, lipo and a breast augmentation just to see what she would say when I said that but for some reason I said apparently with a huge smile on my face, I am having a hysterectomy. She said good and asked and what are we taking out? Again I wanted to tease her but who knows maybe the happy meds have like a truth serum in them because as much as I wanted to joke around all I could say again with my big smile and giggling I told her you are removing my uterus and my cervix. Man I would have loved to mess with her though! I wanted to really have a funny story for you readers about telling my doctor that I was having some absurd surgery and seeing her jaw drop but I couldn't. I feel like I have failed you all my readers.... LOL
Now its time for the surgery. I have no idea what time I went in to surgery. All I remember is them telling me they are rolling me into surgery and Doogie Howser taking out several syringes and calling them his bag of tricks when I get to the hall I see one doctor who says wow someone looks happy and all I can gather is that I had a smile as big as the Cheshire Cat and I looked to the side to see a see of doctor scrubs when all of a sudden I remember nothing else. I do not remember being rolled into the OR I do not remember anything else. THEY PUT ME TO SLEEP IN A HALLWAY! What is that?!?!
Next thing I do remember is waking up to my husband smiling at me. Oh I love his smile and I remember thinking when am I having the surgery. Then the pain kicked in. The sweet male nurse in recovery gave me a magic little machine with a button to push everytime I felt I need a magical substance called MORPHINE! Oh it was wonderful. My husband stayed with me for God only knows how long before leaving to pick my mother up at the airport. All I remember is him and the male nurse who honestly I could not pick out of a line up if my life depended on it telling me if I felt pain (apparently I kept moaning in pain) to press the button because I was the only one allowed to press it. Oh the power!! LOL. Then they moved me from the 4th floor up to the 7th floor to my room. At first they told my husband that I was going to have my own room which would have been nice. But apparently I am guessing there were no single rooms available and I was put in a room with 4 other women. That's right readers 4 OTHER WOMEN! Oh my lanta! I learned that in a show I was watching recently and found it to be so funny! I did not rest at all. I had asked everyone to allow me to rest that first day of my surgery and asked that visitors did not come to the hospital but I should have allowed it because these other women did not let me rest! But that is a totally different story. I spent that day in pain because about 2-3 hours after the surgery they removed the magic machine with the magic button and then I spent the day trying to sleep. I slept but kept getting woken up by my roomates.
The next day as I waited for my husband and mother to come I was scolded by my nurse for not getting up and walking. So I was there walking the 7th floor with my Lueitenant nurse for two rounds. Not fun! I was asked if I wanted to try and stay a second night in the hospital and after much, much consideration I declined and decided to go home thinking I would be more comfortable and more relaxed at home. I think that was the best choice I made.
Now I have been home on bed rest for a little over a week. Still have three more to go and can not wait to get off the bed rest. I am so thankful and grateful that God pulled me through this time and I am now feeling his healing. "For with God nothing will be impossible" Luke 1:37. God brought me through. He healed me, He blessed me, He did it all! Thanks for many prayers readers. I know the prayers of all is what brought me through this time of my need.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
So let me tell you all my latest adventure with the doctors and I hope to get a smile or giggle or even a laugh out of you guys. OK so I was told to be at the hospital to check in at Anesthesia at 0530 (like my use of military time? LOL) but I also had to before that go to administration to check in for my surgery. So the night before I did not sleep due to not only my nerves but the medications before surgery and so I arrive at the hospital at 0500 to give us enough time to find parking, to get checked in, and be at Anesthesia (which last time I went there for the pre-op appointment I was there for 5 1/2 hours) and set up in time for surgery. Needless to say with my luck my husband right away finds parking right next to the third floor entrance that we had to go into for administration. We go and check in and it took us not even 5 minutes so now I arrive at Anesthesia at 0510 which is 20 minutes earlier than what I was supposed to be there and let me tell you something, the military does not like you showing up late to an appointment and they do not like you showing up early either! We get to the sixth floor too early for the surgery and they were not even open! My hubby and I sat there in the waiting room for about 20 minutes until they opened. Now we have the nurse call us back and we check in with them and they put us in this room with two recliners and ask me to change into my hospital attire and give me the bad news! They need to draw more blood, I say more blood because the pre-op appointment I was at that lasted 5 1/2 hours they had to draw blood and they did not draw all that they needed to, I also say bad news because I have tiny, hidden deep veins and drawing blood is ALWAYS hard to do on me. Now I have this Leuitenant trying to find non-existentant veins on me for pre-surgery blood work. It took two sticks and about 15 minutes to get two lousy tubes of blood. Then I wait and I wait and I wait. Around 0800 is when they come to get me saying they are ready for me. I walk down the hall to the elevator and go down from the 6th floor to the 4th floor. I did not think I would be walking once I was there and walking while in my hospital attire. Not very pleasant. I get to the 4th floor and get put in a make-shift room (the size of a gurney and a small computer) where I am asked to now to lie down and get fully prepped for surgery by Anesthesia. I am extremely claustrophobic and in this makeshift room is my husband, my two surgeons, the two anesthisiologist, and myself. Not a pleasant feeling until they placed the IV in and told me they were giving me something in the IV to calm me down. Something to make it feel like I have had a couple of cocktails, mind you I don't drink so I know I am an underweight when it comes to having any cocktails/meds in me. I wonder why they thought they needed to calm me down. Maybe it was the fact that I was anxious about having major surgery and that I knew I was having this surgery because of cancer, maybe it was the fact that I was anxious being in such an enclosed space due to being claustrophobic, or maybe, just maybe it was the fact that the anesthiesiologist that was administering the meds looked like Doogie Howser and looked like he was not old enough to drive let alone be old enough to administer meds that would knock me out so two other people can cut into me! Who knows but after they administered the Happy Hour meds I was happy go lucky! Woo-hoo!! I could care less that I was in a matchbox size room, I could care less that I had cancer or needed surgery, I could care less that Doogie Howser was in there asking me questions and talking about knocking me out! I was happy! Apparently I was so giggly that my own doctor, my surgeon, wanted to make sure I knew what was happening. She asked me now tell me what it is that you are having done. Readers a part of me felt like messing with her at that point but I do not know why I did not. In my head I was saying I am having a tummy tuck, lipo and a breast augmentation just to see what she would say when I said that but for some reason I said apparently with a huge smile on my face, I am having a hysterectomy. She said good and asked and what are we taking out? Again I wanted to tease her but who knows maybe the happy meds have like a truth serum in them because as much as I wanted to joke around all I could say again with my big smile and giggling I told her you are removing my uterus and my cervix. Man I would have loved to mess with her though! I wanted to really have a funny story for you readers about telling my doctor that I was having some absurd surgery and seeing her jaw drop but I couldn't. I feel like I have failed you all my readers.... LOL
Now its time for the surgery. I have no idea what time I went in to surgery. All I remember is them telling me they are rolling me into surgery and Doogie Howser taking out several syringes and calling them his bag of tricks when I get to the hall I see one doctor who says wow someone looks happy and all I can gather is that I had a smile as big as the Cheshire Cat and I looked to the side to see a see of doctor scrubs when all of a sudden I remember nothing else. I do not remember being rolled into the OR I do not remember anything else. THEY PUT ME TO SLEEP IN A HALLWAY! What is that?!?!
Next thing I do remember is waking up to my husband smiling at me. Oh I love his smile and I remember thinking when am I having the surgery. Then the pain kicked in. The sweet male nurse in recovery gave me a magic little machine with a button to push everytime I felt I need a magical substance called MORPHINE! Oh it was wonderful. My husband stayed with me for God only knows how long before leaving to pick my mother up at the airport. All I remember is him and the male nurse who honestly I could not pick out of a line up if my life depended on it telling me if I felt pain (apparently I kept moaning in pain) to press the button because I was the only one allowed to press it. Oh the power!! LOL. Then they moved me from the 4th floor up to the 7th floor to my room. At first they told my husband that I was going to have my own room which would have been nice. But apparently I am guessing there were no single rooms available and I was put in a room with 4 other women. That's right readers 4 OTHER WOMEN! Oh my lanta! I learned that in a show I was watching recently and found it to be so funny! I did not rest at all. I had asked everyone to allow me to rest that first day of my surgery and asked that visitors did not come to the hospital but I should have allowed it because these other women did not let me rest! But that is a totally different story. I spent that day in pain because about 2-3 hours after the surgery they removed the magic machine with the magic button and then I spent the day trying to sleep. I slept but kept getting woken up by my roomates.
The next day as I waited for my husband and mother to come I was scolded by my nurse for not getting up and walking. So I was there walking the 7th floor with my Lueitenant nurse for two rounds. Not fun! I was asked if I wanted to try and stay a second night in the hospital and after much, much consideration I declined and decided to go home thinking I would be more comfortable and more relaxed at home. I think that was the best choice I made.
Now I have been home on bed rest for a little over a week. Still have three more to go and can not wait to get off the bed rest. I am so thankful and grateful that God pulled me through this time and I am now feeling his healing. "For with God nothing will be impossible" Luke 1:37. God brought me through. He healed me, He blessed me, He did it all! Thanks for many prayers readers. I know the prayers of all is what brought me through this time of my need.
And as always
Be Blessed in HIM
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