Surviving the Shruken Head Syndrome

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

OK readers hope you are ready for this one. So you all know what I am going through. I mean my life is an open book after all or is that an open blog actually? So with the impending divorce, the dealings with my soon to be ex husband and even his current well I do not know what to call her, my cancer treatments, my life as a single mother, starting things over with no job or career, my financial struggles and well just "normal" life stuff I felt like I needed and my kids needed some professional help. I mean I am not the only one going through all of this they are too you know. They have to deal with their mom and dad no longer being in love with each other, they have to deal with the current whatever she is, they have to deal with mom going through chemo, they have to deal with growing up with a single mom, they have to deal with starting their lives all over again as well, they have to deal with the fact that mom can not afford certain things because as of yet we have not received child support, and the "normal" things of life as well.

First of all what is the "normal" things in life? I mean I can honestly say I know NO ONE that lives a normal life. Readers if you believe you are one of those people who live a normal life please enlighten me because I have yet to know what a normal life is.

Anywho to return to my blog post. So I found an amazing counselor for not only myself but my children too. I think she is just down right awesome. First off for those readers who personally know me you know I am a WHOVIAN. For those who do not know what a Whovian is let me enlighten you right quick. A Whovian is a fan of the show Doctor Who on the BBC America channel. OMG readers I absolutely love this show and fell in love with it last time I underwent chemo. I think maybe tomorrow I might blog about why I am head over heals in love with the show, but that is a blog post for tomorrow. On to our counselor for today. She not only is a Whovian she is a nerd, geek at heart. She loves the music my daughters listen to, she loves Anime, she loves my Kiki's sense of humor, and that she was able to make my Jordan talk! This is a big deal because he down right refused to go to counseling. He did not want to express his feelings at all in regards to the impending divorce or the state of our relationship in any way, shape or form. She did not make a break through in regards to healing his heart but she made a break through in getting him just to talk to her. So we all talked at first together with her. She got to know us just a little bit, asked really broad questions in regards to our aspirations in life and even our goals with therapy and then she split us up.

Now Lissy and Kiki went and talked individually to her. I do not know what they said because of confidentiality but that is good. I want my kids to trust her and be able to open up their feelings to her and I think she will be good for them. I mean she is young, she likes stuff that they like and she genuinely shows compassion towards them. When it was Jordan's turn I was allowed to sit in on his mini session because he was afraid to talk to her. He did however feel at ease when she mentioned he didn't have to talk about anything he did not want to talk about. She told him how she would play games with him, they will color together (which they both agreed was good because neither of them can draw really well but coloring is the next best thing) and he could even talk to her about how he wants to grow up to be a preacher and give her cool Bible trivia as well.

Then it came time for my private session. When I first left El Paso a part me was thinking this could be temporary, if my ex husband (and I keep trying to use this term because I need to allow my heart to learn this term) asked us to return I would have done so, but now I know, I know my situation is permanent. I know that I will no longer be Mrs. Perez but that from now on I will be Ms. Alicea. I couldn't believe it, when I realized I will no longer be an Mrs but just an Ms. At first my heart took another break and stab but then well this is my life, I can not change what has happened but I sure can mold what will be. I used to be sad. I used to wonder what I did wrong. I used to pray to God please not only heal my heart but his and bring our family together again. I used to. I still pray that God heal my heart. I still pray that God heal his heart but the difference is I do not pray that our family be restored. I pray that GOD'S WILL BE DONE. I pray that God allow me to see the wonder around me, that God allow me to see the goodness around me. I pray God allow me to stop being angry. But I know I have every right right now to be angry. I was told by my ex and his whatever that I am an angry woman. They said this to me like I was not entitled to be angry or have a right to be angry. I even told the counselor this. I told her how I used to be sad but now my sadness over my marriage is over and what lies there is anger. My ex told me that it is hypocritical of me to be angry and claim to be a religious woman. That I just want to play the victim. Well that is far from the truth I tell you readers.

My counselor did not bat an eye when I told her why I was angry. I mean when you are financially cut off completely and have to figure out how to survive with no money and three kids you have a right to be angry. When you spent 14 almost 15 years with someone, stood by them through two hospital stays, three children, multiple jobs, multiple places to live, enlisting later on in life in the Army, learning this new lifestyle to support them, two deployments, cancer and treatment dealing without them in order to protect them from seeing it all you have a right to be angry. She understood this and her words were sweet but I took comfort remembering what my Pastor from El Paso once said that "Christians can be angry over injustices because God is angry over injustices as well". When my kids can not have what they need because all the money is spent and I can not get a single penny that is injustice, when after sticking by the person in the good and the bad and waiting nine long months for them to return on deployment only to have them kick you and your kids to the waste side that is an injustice, when my children have had to wait over a month for their precious treasures that they had to leave behind because it could not fit in the trailer when we came and their father is "too busy" to send it that is an injustice and when I have to undergo cancer treatment all while dealing with worrying about finances, worrying about what my kids are having to feel during this time of the impending divorce, worrying about when I will be able to pay this or that and if my car will be reposed because he will no longer help that is an injustice. When my children have to stick by my side taking care of me during chemo and again he is no where near to deal with my sickness and he is the adult that is an injustice. I have the right to be angry. I have the right voice my mind whether they feel I am right or not, I can still be a Christian woman and be angry at them for going through what I am forced to go through. I think the worst pain I felt was being called a hypocrite because above all I feel I have maintained my faith in Christ through it all, even through my anger, because I ask God to help me heal from it all and I know that He is going to help me and it just might be through this amazing counselor we found that fits our crazy family so well.

"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life." Ephesians 4: 26-27 MSG. I know God will take my anger away. I pray He will and God hears our prayers. I know through talking in counseling I will get my anger away. I know one day my anger will be gone in its time and in its place will be blessings that the Lord has granted me. People worry sometimes when I say I am angry but know that one I am not trying to get revenge, I am only speaking my mind. And two God is working in me. I am a work in progress and I will fall and make mistakes but with my God all things are possible and so I know my anger will be taken away in its right time. I believe what I am going through is an injustice, and so therefore my anger is fueling me to fight for what is right in this injustice, I am fighting for my children to get the support they need and once they do I know my God will replace my anger with joy because I will be happy seeing my kids taken care of. Readers do not fret over me thinking I am allowing anger to be my only emotion because I have given it to God and He will hear and answer my prayer in His perfect time. 

Readers thank you for going through this journey with me and as always

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surving the Dreaded Doctors... AGAIN

Learning to Survive: Surving the Dreaded Doctors... AGAIN: Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez I am so sorry readers I did not get a blog post out yesterday and this is why: Yesterday I had my appo...

Surving the Dreaded Doctors... AGAIN

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

I am so sorry readers I did not get a blog post out yesterday and this is why: Yesterday I had my appointment with the oncologist and I began my next round of treatments. No readers this is not what I look like right now. Currently I still have my hair this was a picture of me last time I began chemotherapy. I have a new oncologist and I have to say I really like this one. He is thorough and I have full confidence in him for my treatment even though my belief is GOD will see me through this all.

Well apparently I can not go to the doctors without having some kind of silly story. I think doctors and I have a form of attraction to make life just a bit sillier. So here I am in this new oncologist's office. Mind you my oncologist is also a gynecological oncologist (try saying that three times fast) and well I had to get a pelvic ultrasound done because that was one thing that they did not transfer with my records from El Paso. Oh Lordy, Lord, Lord are those things terrible. I will not say the joke I made to the technician because it was said in a moment of panic on my part and trying to ease the mood but it was a tad inappropriate for mixed company and so I asked God to forgive me for saying what I said and proceeded to lay back on the bed.

OK readers I don't know about you but if you are anything like me and you are lying in this doctor's table and they ask you to relax AND scoot down if you are anything like me you do the opposite. I tensed up and scooted up on the bed. Poor woman kept repeating it until finally she had to just grab me by the hips and pull me down. Now I am a short woman but this woman had to be like 2 feet nothing because she was super short but when she grabbed me by the hips to pull me down to where I needed to be at for the exam I believe she grew like 10 more feet and was now 12 feet tall still all the while saying "Now relax". RELAX?!?!?!?! are you kidding me?!?! How can a person relax under such pressure!

Now I have been concerned since I my cancer has gone from uterine to matasize into my ovaries and so therefore I am worried about the breast. So I had my very first ever mammogram done as well. Well again I have to remind you people that I am a short woman. I measure at a whooping 60 inches and for you Mathematical wizards out there that is 5 feet tall. The mammogram machine though seems to be designed for some Amazonian Wonder Woman like person because I could not reach. I could not reach!! I had to stand on a step stool for this. Oh and can I just say OW OW OW!! Only a man could have invented such a medieval torture device as this! Seriously!!!

Well I then get sent to a different room. Here I am in a more comfy looking bed but because last time I lied down at this particular doctors office I felt violated and at least was not even offered a glass of wine I was a tad bit apprehensive about this more comfy looking bed. Boy was I right. The doctor now walks in. Mind you I have been prodded and smashed every which way possible and I had yet to meet my Doctor. So he walks in with a smile on his face asking me how I am doing. In my mind I wanted to tell him the truth. I envisioned myself telling him how I do not appreciate being poked, smashed, prodded first thing in the morning but my mouth said I'm OK how are you? My brain is now screaming seriously?!?!?! you are OK?!?!?!?!?! The doctor tells me that after the lab work I did when I first arrived here in Orlando my blood levels are looking promising. My tumor shows it has shrunk a considerable size since the last time it got checked in El Paso and that I can go through with having my ovaries removed and they use a method that will be less invasive and less bleeding on me. OMG I was so happy. This is what I have been wanting to hear for such a long time now.

God was answering my prayers and I felt amazing knowing that finally I could one day say: "I truly did kick cancer's butt"! Its OK readers I know this is a Christian blog but I can say butt. I promise I can. I can say butt over and over and over again like I am a minion on Despicable Me looking at a photocopy of a butt. BUTT BUTT BUTT! LOL That was the 10 year old in me wanting to come out for a second and play. No but seriously I am happier than I have been in a long time because finally something is going my way.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up" Ecclesiastes 3: 1-3ESV. God has got this. So yes I still have to go through some difficult times. I still have to undergo chemo, yes I feel sick now, yes I might have to lose my hair again and look like a crystal ball but I am getting my healing through my God because His promises are true and He has promised there is a time for EVERYTHING and my time for healing is NOW.

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

And well who would have known that when I took this picture almost 3 years ago that it would be true. I am too sexy for my hair and that is why it leaves me. But I know I have a great, great, great support system in my family, my friends, my prayer warriors and most importantly my God.

Thank you for all the prayers readers and as always

Be Blessed in HIM

Surviving as A Single Mother

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

Life as a single mother is hard. I mean it sometimes feels never ending. Like I want to relax and all and my kids need me. I want to have two seconds of peace and quiet and my kids have friends over. I want to watch what I want to watch on the TV and they want to watch an array of either Anime, Power Rangers, Spongebob, or for the kicker: My Little Pony.

Being a single mom though is not new to me. As a military spouse I had to go several months at a time separated from my husband and so therefore had to take the brunt of all my parenting time. I wonder if people really realize how hard it is. I love my children more than anything in the world besides God but times come when moms need that time alone and as a single parent well those times hardly ever come. I mean if you are anything like me you have three amazing kids, and no I am not biased my children are just downright awesome filled with awesome rolled into a ball of awesomeness, but they are big enough to fend for themselves. My children are ages 14, 12, and about to turn 11. In this picture above though they are tiny but I really love this picture of us all together. My kids can do for themselves now but I remember the days of being a stay at home mom to not only my three kids but my sisters three kids as well. Oh I remember my youngest being just a toddler and my niece who was the oldest was no more than 9-10 years old.

When I came back home after leaving El Paso my niece and nephews were reminiscing of the times when they got to be home with me and all that I would do. Here are some amazing and fun rainy day ideas for your kids when you can't take them all to run off the steam at the local park.

1. One day I had while the kids were in school, even my youngest cause he was in Head Start, I went to the dollar store and picked up goody bags (kinda like the ones you make for your child's birthday party) and six different pieces of yarn. When the kids came home from school I had them stay in the playroom, more like I kept yelling get back in there or you wont get your surprise like every two seconds, and took the six different pieces of yarn and intertwined them throughout the house like an obstacle course. Of course making it more challenging for the older ones and at the end of the yarn was their goody bag.

2. I make homemade donuts. This is fun for all ages. You take a Pillsbury Dough can and take a melon baller to cut doughnut holes in each biscuits. Fry them for less then a minute on each side and here is where the kids have fun. Have them place the doughnuts and the holes in zip lock bags with sugar and cinnamon and shake while listening to fun music.

3. I would pick up all the kids from school. I had six with my sister's kids as well so it was going to the Head Start, the Elementary School, and the Middle School each day. We were a one car family so I also had to pick the husband up at work too. I would get the last kid which was my niece at the middle school and tell them it takes me 20 minutes from here to the park next to my husband's job. If we get there and your homework is done you get to play, if not we sit in the car and finish it first. The fun part was going through the bumpy roads or taking the turns really wide through the neighborhood and hearing the kids moan and yell. Once we get to the park if homework was finished we would take the cooler and go sit down first at the picnic table for snack and then they got almost a full hour to play spy games or Power Ranger games with me being the one giving them out their missions. Rule of thumb always have the missions pre-selected before you go.

Now those were fun! I miss those days and while I took care of the kids, all six of them by myself, I was not a single mom per say because I had a husband who would come home. This last deployment was a hard one as a single mom because I was dealing with the cancer as well. Here is a picture of me right before I lost my hair, I was having a hard day and my kids decided to make me feel like a queen. I love my kids.

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

Even though single parenting is hard, even though some days you are with six kids all under the age of 10 and all you want to do is have a grown up conversation with your best friend so you pretend to play "hide and go seek" and hide inside the closet whispering the whole time in fear that you will be discovered kids are the best blessings in life. Now while I believe my children are amazing and wonderful I am also an advocate of mothers taking time to yourselves before you burn out. A burned out mother is no good to her children. Here are some great things to give you a good break from the kiddos every now and again.

1. If you have a good set of friends arrange with them to trade off babysitting. That way you can give your kids to your good friend for several hours to either go get a mani/pedi, go shopping, go to the movies, or my all time favorite: GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT INTERRUPTION!

2. Find a sitter and save. I am all about saving and having a little set aside every now and again. Go out to eat with friends or have a date with your spouse.

3. If you have amazing family see if they would be willing to take the kids for the weekend and schedule a weekend girls trip. Those are fun! I miss having those!!

My kids are my world and my life but as a single mother right now I have to see that I am now both mom and dad to them because I have to fill both roles. In my situation right now I am the only biological parent they have. I say biological because my friends and family have been great to help me with the task of parenting. When my marriage first broke I felt so guilty and it was hard for me to be able to parent properly. They were feeling so sad and abandoned that the thought of discipline was hard for me. Now don't get me wrong, one thing I have always prided myself on was that I was a fun mom but I was a strict mom too. My kids were not going to be the ones cursing or wearing too provocative attire. My kids would know how to say please and thank you and call everyone either Mr, Mrs, Ms or Sir and Madam. But when the marriage was over and the kids felt such an abandonment a part of me found it hard to discipline. It took me a good three weeks to not just say yes to every whim they had or not correct them when they did something wrong. Now I had to do it. My daughter found it in her self to decide to back talk to me the other day. Oh was I seeing red, but I took a few breaths first and then calmly told her this: "Just because I am friendly with you does not make me your friend. I am your mother first and foremost and you will speak to me in such a way". Wow that was enlightening to me and it reminded me to still be mom and dad now even if it was hard to do so.

God gave us a great ability and a great gift when he made us mothers. Just because He gave us this great gift does not mean it will all be rainbows, sunshine and unicorns if you are into that sort of thing. Motherhood is hard, like when your child has their first broken heart, or they are hurting either physically or emotionally, or dear Lord God Almighty when they turn into a teenager and roll their eyes and tell you WHATEVER! But even through the hard times, joy always comes in raising children you are proud of and are so in love with.

"The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26 ESV.

Thank you for joining me readers as I talk about one of the best joys in my life, my kids and my role as their mother. 

And as always.....

Be Blessed in HIM

Surving New Beginnings

Picture Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

So people wonder why would we need to survive new beginnings, I mean aren't new beginnings a good thing? Doesn't it mean that you are beginning something wonderful and new? While new beginnings are a great thing at times sometimes they are not. Some new beginnings in the long run turn out to be for the best but at the beginning they are scary, they are hard, and they take you by surprise. Sometimes a new beginning might not be something you thought you wanted but something that someone placed in their mind that you were going to have to go through. My last blog post spoke about the end of my marriage. It was hard for me to write but at the same time it was a healing process for me as well. A fourteen year old marriage coming to a sudden and abrupt halt well that can be a shock to the system. I equate my marriage ending to being electrocuted. No reader please do not stop reading I have not lost my mind, at least I do not believe I have, just let me bring it on home first. See I have always believed that marriage is forever. You stand before God, before family and friends and you hold this man's hands in your own and vow to stay together through the good and the bad, through sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you BOTH shall live. So when I stood in that church fourteen and a half years ago I took my husband's hands and I vowed to live my life with him. This was a new beginning but one that I chose to make. I was scared though. I mean I was 21 years old, I was already pregnant with my oldest daughter, and I was vowing to love for the rest of my life this man who stood before me. This was scary. 5 months later we welcomed a brand new baby girl into our lives, I was 22 years old a wife and a mother and I had no idea how to be either. I struggled I will not lie but this beginning while it was scary it was the best. I loved my husband and I loved my baby girl. 18 months later we had another baby girl and 19 months after that we had our son. Wow my family was complete and it all began with the change of becoming a wife and a mother.

Now we moved around a lot throughout our marriage. Change sometimes was great because we would get a better house or be in a better location but change is the only constant apparently in life. Then we moved to a different state. I was scared again. This change was the hardest of my life at the time. I always lived within five minutes from my family and now the eternal baby of the family had to fend for herself? Wow was that hard. I struggled making friends at first in this new location and thought this was the hardest thing but I believed God allowed me to struggle at first making new friends because he was drawing me closer to Him and to my husband. Finally I made amazing friends and my husband enlisted in the Army. Readers I thought to myself then and there WHY?! I finally have friends and now I have to up and move?! This is down right ridiculousness! I am not the type of woman who adjusts easily. I think back now and think this is why God asked me to learn to adjust because I was going to have to be more flexible.

You see readers when God wants something for you it doesn't matter if it what you want it matters if it is what He has in store for you. I do not like uprooting. I do not like living a life of uncertainty but God knows I would have to and so therefore I up and moved back home during my husband's 8 month long Basic Training and Advanced Individual Training. Then readers I am sure you can figure out what happened next. 1 gazillion points if you get it right! YUP I have to up and move AGAIN! Now we were in Kingsville, Texas which is about 30 minutes give or take south of Corpus Christi (You know where the singer Selena was from) and I moved back with my children and dogs home to Orlando, FL land of eternal rain and Mickey Mouse and now he gets orders to EL PASO, TX!! Back to Texas!!!!! Now I loved living in Kingsville, TX. Quaint little town, everybody knew each other, weather was not too bad either with the exception of the lack of rainfall and all but I liked it. Now I am going to the desert! The desert I tell you!!! Extreme weather, cold or hot but NOTHING in between, no green anywhere, land of eternal sun. I knew no one in the city of El Paso and I was scared yet again.

I now look back at El Paso and I have fond and wonderful memories of my church, of my friends, of my job. I miss it so much. I really became what I thought was me there. I had a purpose and I had a drive and then my marriage ended which led me back to Mickey Mouse land. Do not get me wrong i love my family, my friends here and I am grateful for them more than I possibly could be but I do not feel like my purpose is found. How do you begin again when you can not find your purpose? My children give me meaning and drive but I feel like my purpose might be something else. I have no job or career here. I am struggling with lack of finances because the separation has made my husband different and therefore I have no money to support my children right now. I want a job so bad the thought of working turns me into one of Pavlo's dogs and I begin to salivate at the mouth when I hear of someone looking to hire only to discover for one reason or another I do not get chosen for the interview. Being slightly older than 19, and those of you readers who know my true age I have two words to tell you: SHUT UP! and starting a new life is hard. Starting a new life of where to live with three children all either pre-teen or teen ages and not having money or a job is scary. This is the scariest of all. I look at the Word for encouragement and this is what I find:

"Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you." 2 Corinthians 5: 17 The Message Translation. God is giving a new beginning. He is starting something new in my life. The kicker comes in me accepting His will and waiting on His time. Readers if you are in a beginning of your life whether it is in life, in relationships, in career, or education lets all vow together to hold each other up as we see the change God is making in our lives and as always my readers and my friends...

Be Blessed in HIM

Surviving Loss

Ugh I am not sure how I feel about this. I love to blog and love to write and even get out my feelings like this but I have to be honest, I am scared. I am really scared. Writing about my cancer is one thing. Writing about my kids and motherhood is one thing as well but writing about what is happening now in my life. Oh this is hard. This is killing me. I just read my last blog post which was in December of 2012 and I had gone month by month about my life. Well I had written about my marriage in the post and how certain things happened last year and I began to sob.

You see last year I had no idea that I was going to be living the life I am living right now. Last year if someone told me that my life would be turned completely upside down I do not think I would have believed them. Last year if I would have been told that cancer would be the least of my worries I would have laughed in the person's face telling me all of this. But I hesitate to write this post and I want to explain why first. You see when my blog was about the cancer I had my critics, both good and bad, and well I have been told I do not need to go about advertising all that is in my life. But I need an outlet. I need to express myself and while I have amazing family and friends I have extremely vocal family and friends and I do not always get to release ALL that I need to. I do advise if you do not want to know all then stop reading now. I am not writing to get others opinions I am just writing to release my own feelings and as someone told me recently I am writing my story each minute of each day of my life. I want to leave a legacy behind for my daughters and my son and I want to be able to help others if they struggle with the same things I am going through.

So I am dealing with loss right now. The loss I am dealing is the mourning of 14 years of my life. I am dealing with the loss of my marriage. Something I have held dear to but is now slowly fading away. Again I am going to add a disclaimer here. If you are reading this and are looking for me to bash the man I have been married to for the past 14 years then you got another thing coming. Even though I mourn the loss of something that defined me, that made me happy, that gave me joy and love and right now utter pain and anguish I will not bash the man that I have loved for 14 years, the man that I have shared my secrets with, my dreams, my love. I will not degrade and demean the past 14 years of my life by becoming one of those women who can only be happy during a separation and a divorce unless they make him into the bad guy. I will not do it.

Am I in pain? Truth be told I am in agony. I try to cover up my emotions by smiling, by laughing, by taking my kids to Disney World, the Comic Book Store and surrounding them constantly with family but I feel the worse pain I have ever felt in my life every minute of every day. I wake up every morning praying, wishing and hoping that all of this was some nightmare I was trapped in. Hoping that when I wake up I am back home in my bed and he is lying beside me. I spend my days in my childhood home with my three children now, trying to put it out of my mind that I do not have my belongings, I do not have my own home, I do not have the life I built anymore. Back home I had a job that I LOVED. A job I felt I finally found where I was meant to be in this world. I loved working at the daycare even if it was one difficult and stressful job at times. I admired my boss and all my co-workers. I loved my babies and all the kids at the daycare. It felt like I was not a mother to just my three but to all who were in my care at the daycare. I hated saying goodbye. I hated leaving. I worked also as the youth leader at the church. I may be biased but I had the best group of teens ever! I love them so much and loved that most saw me as a second mom to them, especially those that practically lived in my home. Saying goodbye to them felt as if someone ripped a piece out of my heart. I had amazing friends who became family, after all Army Wives stick together and become family away from home. They are the family you chose not the one you are given. Leaving my amazing support system and all felt like a piece of me was dying. I had a church who was not just a church. They were and always will be my angels on earth. They took care of me when I felt no one else could. I had to leave them all behind too. So when asked am I in pain? All I can respond is I am in agony.

I will not however want to take back the last 14 years in order to erase this pain. If I were to do that I would not have my amazing three children. I love my kids. I love that they are funny and smart. I love that they are caring and independent. I love that they love each other, love their family and friends, love their father and love me. So the marriage might be over but the love that I have for them never will be and neither will the love their father has for them either. So what happened to make this time in my life the most agonizing it has ever been?

Honestly I can not fully answer that. I have my theories but no answers I feel. Army Wives wait diligently for their hero, their soldier to come home from war. They dream each and every night of the deployment about being reunited again. They long to feel their soldiers arms wrapped around them again, they long to hear him tell her he loves her. They long for the closeness and togetherness of their marriage again and for them to be just as anxious, just as excited for their return to their family as well. Unfortunately that is most of the time a fairy tale. He has spent 24/7 with his "battle buddies" and has been with them for at least 9 whole months. Now think about it ladies, those of you that are moms, you are usually pregnant for 9 months (I say usually cause with my second daughter I was pregnant 10 months and that was not fun!) and in these 9 months you develop a strong emotional bond with your baby. Soldiers do this as well with their battle buddies. Now they are back on American soil, dumped on you without counseling (they do not get the counseling until they come home and apparently as I have been informed unless they want the counseling) and the adjustment sometimes is too much to bare. Am I condoning that all this is ok for the soldier to up and leave? Absolutely not but divorce rates among military families is the highest its ever been. With such wars as The War on Terror and Enduring Freedom they take a toll on the soldier.

Now I am upset and I am hurt but truth of the matter is even though I am both I still love the man. I was asked just today if he were to come back and ask to re-join his family would I take him back. I would love to think that I would without reservation but I might need proof. I mean my heart is hurt. I stood by for 9 months waiting for a return only to be alone still but if I knew he truly wanted to come back and be with his kids and to have me as his wife again I believe I would. Marriage is sacred and I value it way too much.

"This is how we know what real love is: Jesus gave his life for us. So we should give our lives for each other as brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16. A soldier lays his life on the line for his country but comes home and leaves the ones who love him the most. I know a soldier's first duty is to country but God has commanded a husband's first duty to his family. Can he lay his life on the line for them? Can he be there for them both mentally and physically? I love my husband even if right now he chooses to be away and I will always love him. "Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits." 1 Corinthians 13:7. I will continue to pray for his heart, his peace of mind, his love. I will continue to hold him up in the eyes of my children and when they chose to talk about him or to him I will only speak good things of him and encourage their relationship with one another. I will always trust in God to do his perfect will in the life and heart of the man I stood with in front of my family, my friends, my church and my God and vowed to love and cherish for as long as I live and I will always pray for him as I did throughout our 14 years of marriage.

I may be mourning the loss of my marriage because he feels he wants a divorce. But I will also pray for a resurrection of that love again. Do I believe my God is greater than this? Yes. Do I believe my God can overcome anything? Yes. Do I believe that my God can still give me my miracle and my happily ever after? YES. I will continue to pray and I will continue my faith and I will pray for my hope to come shining through.

As always readers,

Be BLESSED IN HIM!

Learning from Looking to the Past and Looking Forward to the Future

What a year 2012 has been. There have been so many memorable moments. From ups to downs. From having my personal aha moments to my come to Jesus moments to even the ha ha ha moments in my life. I don't know about you readers but I am grateful that all things have a season. Even the good things. I love, absolutely love my children but I am so grateful that they are the age they are now. Even though I joke and tease them saying how I missed their baby years I am so glad not to be in that stage of my life right now. I am so grateful for no longer having to worry about midnight feedings, about 2 am diaper changes where your eyes are half closed so you leave one little butt cheek out in the wind because at that time of the morning the concept of those little tape things do not seem to be understandable. Or what about the boy and getting sprayed right in the forehead because you did not have enough foresight to cover him up before the cold air hit him so now you have pee running down your face all while you try to find a wipe to clean off your face. No I do not miss that in the slightest. Now when I want my baby fix I just get it at work with my little ones but my nights are filled with sweet, sweet dreams instead of bottles and diapers.

2012 has had its moments. It has taught me so much and has given me wonderful blessings and even trials and tribulations but it all comes for a season.

JANUARY: well we were in an adjustment period at this time in our lives as we were getting used to having dad back home from Iraq and getting used to family life, time and schedule again. But by this time we were adjusting rather beautifully thank God.

FEBRUARY: my second daughter turned 11 and became a member of our churches Youth Group. This was an adjustment for her but one she is doing beautifully with now. I began blogging my journey about my life. And my youth group participated in their very first 30 hour famine where we exceeded the funds we hoped to raise for World Vision to help starving children.

MARCH: Sammy and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have had a marriage of ups and downs but our love keeps us going strong. I received my Uterine Cancer diagnosis. Was placed on hormones (hate hormones by the way!) and went to my very first ever Youth leader conference (hope its not my last cause I enjoyed it even while sick) to Dallas. Never been to DALLAS!

APRIL: I had my hysterectomy which pushed me into full blown menopause at the age of 34. My mom came to stay with me for a week to care for me. My children and husband had to learn what life without mom being able to do it all was like.

MAY: OK May was fun. Our church hosted a "I kicked cancer's butt" party and they had Jeff Anderson who I love how he sings and Esterlyn who my daughter loves how they sing perform at our church. It was awesome. We also wrapped up the homeschool year and the kids did wonderfully! I also began radiation.

JUNE: Ooh ooh June was fun too! We went on a retreat paid for by the Army to Ruidoso, NM and it is beautiful over there. And on our way home we saw snow, snow in JUNE?!?! And we saw all these different wild animals and then we came home and participated in our first ever Relay for Life. Something that we will make a yearly event always. I finished radiation.

JULY: I started job searching and received a job here on base but it took longer than a month for them to process my paperwork and give me my start date. I also got my very first fun hairstyle with the blue green streaks. And my sister ended the month by coming to visit with her husband and I met my nephew for the first time ever!

AUGUST: I got my job at the daycare. A job I feel I was meant to have. Something that I know I am good at. My oldest turned 13 years old! Big milestone. All my kids began Public School.

SEPTEMBER: I turned 35. I found out my husband was deploying with a month and a half notice. September was not a good month.

OCTOBER: we were getting ready to say goodbye again to my husband. Then my in-laws came to visit us. I was diagnosed once again with cancer but this time in the Ovaries. And I got my new temperpedic bed. Halloween night was our last night with my husband and the memories of that night I believe we will remember always. Also the night before he left my husband finally got down on bended knee and gave me the proposal I had been waiting 13 years for.

NOVEMBER: we said goodbye to husband. He re-enlisted for another 3 years. Very emotional and hard day. We celebrated husband's birthday for the third year in a row without him. My son turned 10! My first year NOT cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Began chemo. Withdrew kids from Public School due to issues and began homeschooling again.

DECEMBER: Well here we are. In this month I cut my hair short for the first time. I then began to lose my hair and now I am bald. I am learning to continue to survive this crazy life of mine. I am currently on break from chemo and will begin again after the New Year.

I am looking forward to a year in 2013 where health is the main focus. As you can see health plagued a good part of 2012 but I look forward to a better health in 2013. I look forward to continuing my journey in hopes that maybe through my blog and my journey I can make a difference in the life of others. Thanks for reading alongside me readers. I look forward to more and more time together in 2013.

And as always:

Be BLESSED in HIM!!