Learning to Survive: Just Surviving

Learning to Survive: Just Surviving:  Readers on the one hand I am happy. I am finally in a place in my life that I have found happiness. I am happy, my...

Just Surviving

Photo Courtesy of Evy

Readers on the one hand I am happy. I am finally in a place in my life that I have found happiness. I am happy, my children are happy and we might not be living the high life but we have great people in our lives. Yet on the other hand I am sad. I am sad because truth be told I feel my life is in a stand still right now, waiting on this divorce that seems to be taking an eternity to be done with, waiting on my life to fully start and no matter how much of the good stuff comes around there is still some things that make me wonder why.

But then I am one that would rather allow the bad things to happen to me and me alone. I can handle them while I hate that sometimes I see those that I love struggling and wish with every fiber in my being that I could take their pain away. I want to go around and just remove all the bad from everyone and just have a world where all my loved ones, my family, my friends all can be happy. We look happy in that picture don't we? That is one of my favorite pictures. It does not have all my loved ones displayed but none-the-less the ones displayed do each hold a special place in my heart. I love each and everyone of them dearly. Each representing something different in my life.

At the bottom of the picture is my daughter. She represents my children who yes hold the second highest place in my heart. God holding the highest place of all. My children have survived so much in this last 2 years of our lives. These last two years have seen them lots and lots of growing up they have had to do. They have dealt with cancer, chemo, radiation, surgeries (my hysterectomy, my daughter's knee surgery), physical therapy, deployment, moving, separation, leaving behind all they knew, losing the life they had built, losing a parent (while he is not passed away their was a mourning period since they no longer got to be with him, talk with him as they once did). My kids have been through the fire and came out polished and new. They are stronger than ever before because they faced all of that and survived. I get questioned on my parenting. I am a non-traditional parent but my love for them is my driving force. I get upset when I am questioned because their entire lives I have placed their needs above my own and have instructed them in the path of God. I may not be your conventional Christian but make sure to never doubt my faith. While my children went through all this these past two years so did I. The one thing that brought us four through was our faith, our prayers, our hope in God to see us through the trial and we did. Do I go about quoting scripture, shouting out Halleluyahs, laying hands on people? No but trust me when I say I pray. I pray for those I love, I pray for those I like, I even pray for those I do not like (I pray for my ex and his new family each and every day that they find peace, happiness and forgiveness) and while I do not publicly announce it I do it in my quiet times, in my me time, in the wee hours of the night when I can not seem to find peace of my own.

On the right hand side of me is my niece. My only biological niece and soon you will understand why I say biological. She is 19 years old. She is ready to take this world by storm. She represents my youth. At her age I wanted to be something special. I wanted to be someone who made a difference. At that age I had no idea how. My niece is in college now just like me. I am seeking my degree later in life and while I am thrilled to be able to do so I wish I would have had the foresight at her age to finish school before I became a bonafide adult. Its hard to persue your dreams when you have to hold down a household as well. She is starting her life. I remember that time almost like a dream you wake up from. I remember never having a care in the world. I really did but looking back at my problems then it is nothing compared to now. She is what I wish I could be sometimes.... Free!! I love my children and they are my world. I love my parents who I live with and am 100% grateful for it all. But free is not a luxury anymore. If I want a girls night out I have to jump through hoops better than a circus lion to get it. I look at her and see the possibility of future right at your fingertips. Then I see the struggles of life even at that age. I look at the struggles of my life and they are so grand to me but I am sure my mother looks at my struggles and thinks thats not so bad and so I try to put her life situations into perspective and think going to college is rough. You are really in the in between of life where you aren't technically a kid anymore yet you really don't know how to fully be an adult. Not really.

Right above my niece is my other niece. Now this beautiful young woman is my niece but not blood related. You see she is my niece's best friend and is living my sister and her family. Now while she is not blood related she is still my niece. I love her as if I had known her my entire life. She represents to me new beginnings. New family members I have through the friendships made in the family. New friendships and new beginnings. I see my niece who is silly and energized, who while she hates to admit it has a heart of gold, who came from a situation where life may not have been good but has made a better situation of her life. She is my new beginnings. She is my new love. She is my second chance at life and happiness.

In the far upper left corner is one of my beautiful best friends. She represents all my friendships. New and old. Friends have your back no matter what. Friends are there for you through it all. They are your biggest cheerleader and the one there laughing alongside you. They are the ones who put aside themselves to lift you up when you are down. I have some amazing friends. I have some friends who are going through the fires of life right now and they are struggling. That breaks my heart. Its harder because it seems like the devil is attacking them all at once. Its been hard to keep up with everyone lately and I hate that I can't. I have obligations in my life but friendship is important to me. My friends are important to me. I've had to leave my friends at different stages of my life. First time was when I got married. I had to concentrate on being a wife and a mom. But the friendships survived through it all. When my ex lost his job and we had to move over 1300 miles away to a town in South Texas I left again. Friendships still lasted. When my husband enlisted friendships still lasted. When we got our duty station, Fort Bliss, friendships lasted and new friendships began, when I had to leave everything and come back home, friendships lasted (some ended but I never considered then those to be true friendships to begin with). But now it seems like everyone is being pulled in all different directions. My heart is breaking over this. Friends are the family you chose, is how I think, and my family feels like it is falling apart. My prayers are concentrated more here now. My family. I want us all together whether it is physically or spiritually. Some of us are pulling closer to each other while others of us are pulling apart. But it should never be like this.

To my left is my nephew. He represents my inner child. My inner self. I always, always had a strong bond with him. Not only is he the youngest of his family like I am the youngest in mine. But our personalities, our hearts are the same. He hurts like I hurt, he laughs like I laugh (not exactly cause I have a distinctive laugh but we laugh at the same kind of things), he wears his heart on his sleeve like I used to. I see him and see everything that I loved to be. I see him and see everything I want to be again. I want to be carefree, happy, peaceful. I see him and see the things that breaks his heart and its the same things that break my own. I see him and see that while life at times is not easy you know what it is fun if you make it be. I want to blast the music and break out into dance like he does, be the ham I once was and put on the shows. I want to be free to express all the joys, all the happiness, all the love in my life.

Lately in life I am just surviving. And while surviving is good it is not enough! I want to thrive. I want to make the most of my life, my family, my friendships, my everything. I want to know that I made the most out of every day so I chose to smile a little wider, laugh a little louder, love a little harder and live a lot better! "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

Readers live a life filled with Lord and never settle for just surviving.

And as Always....

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Surviving with Dreams

Always Dream Big!!



Learning to Survive: Surviving with Dreams: Photo Courtesy of dancingcommas.blogspot.com Good morning readers. I am sitting here in my office right now waiting on some reports from...

Surviving with Dreams

Photo Courtesy of dancingcommas.blogspot.com

Good morning readers. I am sitting here in my office right now waiting on some reports from work to come in and keeping my foot elevated because I hurt my ankle yesterday somehow. As I sit here in a wait mode (something I seem to have to do a lot of at work) I began to think. I try to avoid doing that in the morning because it usually makes my head hurt but well alas here I am in a nice quiet, unorganized, chaotic office and my thoughts start to wonder. In the past I wrote about a dream I had. Oh it was a wonderful dream that I needed in one of the darkest moments of my life. It was a dream I prayed would become a reality and it did! My dream was about becoming a public speaker and speaking on women's issues that have been going on in my own personal life. I dreamt of guiding women who were either struggling with their faith over an illness, over a broken marriage, over a parenting issue, over teens and their struggles. When I first dreamt this I remember (almost as if it were just last night) how happy I was when I woke up. I remember praying in that instant when I awoke and saying "God, this is what I want to do with my life!" You see up until that point in my life I was angry. I felt like why me? Why did I have to be the one that was dealt such a bad hand in life? Why did I have to be the one that had to undergo cancer (twice mind you), deployment, separation, and an upcoming divorce? Why did I have to become a single mom to three kids, why did I have to leave my home? Why did I have to leave my jobs that I loved so much? And why did I have to start my life over again? Why, why, why, why, why?????? Then I had this dream. I realized I had this dream because it was to be the purpose and the reason as to why I had to go through it all. Why I got dealt this hand in life that now I look back on and while yes it was hard, it made me the woman I am today and for that, for that I am the most grateful.

I began public speaking. I won't lie readers the thought of speaking in public terrifies me. I am not a natural speaker. But as the picture says, if your dreams don't scare you they're not big enough. I want big dreams, I want big goals, I want to be terrified yet look back one day and say: "you know what I overcame the obstacles thrown my way!" I went in thinking that with my public speaking I would bring about a change in someone's life, someone's heart, someone's marriage, someone's family and you know what readers? While I might have touched hearts of women who I have spoken to, while I have seen women come and fall to their knees at the stage praying for a healing through God I have seen a change in me. I have changed and for the better! Readers when I got my diagnosis, even though I attempted to cope through humor inside I was bitter!! When I found out my marriage was over, while I attempted to stay quiet and strong inside I was bitter!!! When I found out my ex wanted to throw away the life, the family he had and I had to go home and face my family as a failure of a wife I was bitter!!!! When I allowed reality to hit that I was not free and clear of cancer, I was now a single mom, I had to attempt to provide for my children on my own and deal with ALL the aftermath he left behind I WAS BITTER!!!!! I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel I was in and I was bitter in both my waking and sleeping hours (mind you I barely slept the first couple months back home). Then came the dream that kind of snapped me out of my depression, my bitterness. I was going to be able to help myself through my ordeal by helping others! Something I loved to do, help others. 

Photo Courtesy of marcusan.net

I decided right then and there while the thought of speaking in front of others was scarier to me than any horror movie out there (I am terrified of horror movies) I was going to overcome it all in hopes of bringing about a change in my life. Now I have been a singer my whole life. I was 6 when I first stood in front of the church and in the children's choir sang. I was 13 first time I sang completely alone in front of the church. I remember being so scared and refusing to hold the microphone because my hands wouldn't stop trembling. I remember Pastor after I sang telling the congregation how little ol' me (the youngest in the youth group) was terrified and still I went up there and sang and did a great job so in order to help me overcome my stage fright told me I would sing the following Sunday another song. My eyes were huge but he held me to it and I sang again the following Sunday still scared. Then again in front of the congregation he said you did good now lets hear you again next Sunday. This went on for several weeks and by the end my stage fright was under control that I even could hold the microphone in my hand while I sang. 

Now I had several speaking engagements under my belt when the coordinator threw a curve ball at me. Now I had been scared to speak in front of these women each time but this time around she said you can sing, I have heard you during the worship segment and you can sing, I want you to sing for the group. Now its been about 8-9 months since I stood on a stage to sing and I was now absolutely TERRIFIED! What was this supposed Christian woman doing to me?!?!?! Had I not already stepped outside of my comfort zone to do something that terrified me and now she wants me to sing in front of all these women? I decided right then and there this can not be a woman of God, this was some demon sent out to destroy me. I began to pray readers!! I rebuked this woman left and right. I decided maybe I needed to consult a man of God to perform some sort of exorcism or something because this woman must be demon possessed if she is asking me to step out further on a ledge that I was already standing on and barely holding onto my safety net! But alas no she was not possessed she was however very adamant about it and so I caved and I agreed to sing. I rehearsed and I rehearsed my song, I call it my anthem: OVERCOMER by Mandissa. Such a fitting song don't you think? The night before the engagement I remember being a nervous wreck, being irrational and my amazing friends and family talking me down from my hysteria. I went and sang in front of my family (they too have not heard me sing in a very, very long time). I did it. I overcame the fear and went to the speaking engagement, prayed and asked God to use me as the vessel to reach these women who had come to hear about love loss and receive their spiritual healing and He never left me! I was a ball of nerves wondering how I was going to get through this, there was no microphone stand to hold the mic and I knew these women would see my fear as my hand trembled holding the microphone but something happened readers. Something miraculous my hand NEVER shook. I went up there, I joked, I spoke, I used God's word, and then I sang. God got me through it all without a sign of fear in me. Afterwards there was an altar call and several women came forward. I prayed with them and then I said my farewells and left. It was when I was in the car that I realized what had happened and my hands shook again but in the moment God needed me to be strong and courageous for these women and so I was. 

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9. 
If we look at the Word there is multiple times in Joshua that we are told to be strong and courageous. These two words are usually associated with men and how men should be in regards to their families, their marriages, their walk with Christ but women I want us to claim this for ourselves too. God commanded HIS PEOPLE to be strong and courageous and we are His people. We all need to stand on his word when we go out to witness to others we need to be strong and courageous because times come when God asks of us to step outside the parameters of what makes us comfortable to be able to give us the blessings he has in store for us. While I have never in my life been a speaker God called me to this time and this place to bring about my testimony in order to help others. While I am loving what I do each time I am scared to do it. Singing while it is my first true love outside of my God is something I get nervous to do as well. I've been asked why and my answer is quite simple actually, I am a perfectionist when it comes to singing. If I know it is not going to be the best I rather not do it at all but then I am also my harshest critic and therefore do not see that it might sound good but I nit pick at all the flaws in it all. But God knows this. He also knows what exactly someone needs to hear and my story was needed in that place at that time, the lyrics to the song were needed in that place and in that time and so therefore God placed me there. 

Readers always dream big and trust God to make your dreams come true. Always dream dreams that scare you because those dreams are going to be the best ones for you. Always trust in God to help you through your fears and bring you out on the other side better than before. "For nothing will be impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Readers dream big, the sky is the limit. Allow God to make your dreams a reality and as always...

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surviving By Finding the Real Me

Learning to Survive: Surviving By Finding the Real Me: Photo Courtesy Evy Alicea Hi readers! Its been a bit and life has gotten more and more blissfully hectic. I say blissfully because when ...

Surviving By Finding the Real Me

Photo Courtesy Evy Alicea

Hi readers! Its been a bit and life has gotten more and more blissfully hectic. I say blissfully because when life gets hectic sometimes its great to let the hectic take you and make you forget the bad that has happened. Lately the hectic has been good hectic and it has outweighed the bad for the most part.

So I have discovered something wonderful readers and I want to share it with all of you that have been a part of my journey with me. I have discovered this wonderful person that means the world to me. This person is someone I actually used to know but lost track of over the years. This person is someone that meant so much to me and yet I lost them years and years ago. I'm happy to have this person back in my life and I would love to introduce you to them readers if you would allow me. Is that ok? Well look to the left of your screen. Do you see that gorgeous, absolutely radiant, positively splendid woman there? Yes this is she. Her name is Evy and she is a dear and close friend I lost around 15 years ago.

You see she was fun loving, she loved to be silly, she loved to let life take her where it would and she was always smiling! Evy back in the day could be seen driving around the streets of Orlando in her Chrysler Convertible with the top down, readers I meant the top of the car not my own, no indecent exposure violations here for me with her friends and even her Youth Group back in the day blaring one of two things on the car stereo either Carman if she was feeling in the Worship mood or her latest Boy Band (don't judge readers Boy Bands were and still are pretty darn awesome). Evy used to be the girl who it didn't matter who you were you were good with her and she was good to you. Evy had a smile to always share with anyone from her family and best friends to the stranger walking across the street (ok sometimes this backfired because the stranger would assume the smile meant she was interested in them and that was hardly ever the case... LOL). Evy back in the day would be found on a stage singing and worshipping and performing. Then Evy was lost. It was sad to lose her. She had to be the strong one, the responsible one, the one to put her foot down, or even the bad guy.

For the past several months almost a year I have been trying to find Evy. I almost hired a Private Investigator to locate her and put out an APB on her. Maybe place an ad to find her? She was so lost and so hidden. But with much prayer, much searching I have found her! She is back and while she no longer has her top down (seriously people stop giggling I'm talking about a car) she can be found blaring the music in her car with her new crew of her three children still singing and dancing to either worship and gospel music or her infamous Boy Bands (quit hatin' y'all) and while she has not stepped foot on a stage in quite sometime to worship she still sings her heart out to God every chance she gets wether in the car, in her room, while she is working in her office and of course the shower with the brush as her microphone (yea there she fully rocks out!)

"For everything created by God is good" 1 Timothy 4:4. God created me with a purpose. A purpose I had allowed to fall to the side. A purpose that when I had reached my lowest lows I did not want to achieve or accomplish. Through this blog I have received speaking engagements. Something that God made a purpose for me because of the battles I have faced in my life. These speaking arrangements have given me the ability to reach women who have struggled and are still struggling through hardships and pain like I was and have. I have been blessed to have teens that I have worked with and feel I can start mentoring again. I have met amazing new friends and have reconnected with older childhood ones. I am glad I found Evy. I'm glad she is back and I pray and I hope I never lose her again.

Readers thanks for meeting Evy and as always....

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane: Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea "I wear a fez and a bow tie now, fezzes and bow ties are cool!" Readers life sometimes throws h...