Surviving By Finding the Real Me

Photo Courtesy Evy Alicea

Hi readers! Its been a bit and life has gotten more and more blissfully hectic. I say blissfully because when life gets hectic sometimes its great to let the hectic take you and make you forget the bad that has happened. Lately the hectic has been good hectic and it has outweighed the bad for the most part.

So I have discovered something wonderful readers and I want to share it with all of you that have been a part of my journey with me. I have discovered this wonderful person that means the world to me. This person is someone I actually used to know but lost track of over the years. This person is someone that meant so much to me and yet I lost them years and years ago. I'm happy to have this person back in my life and I would love to introduce you to them readers if you would allow me. Is that ok? Well look to the left of your screen. Do you see that gorgeous, absolutely radiant, positively splendid woman there? Yes this is she. Her name is Evy and she is a dear and close friend I lost around 15 years ago.

You see she was fun loving, she loved to be silly, she loved to let life take her where it would and she was always smiling! Evy back in the day could be seen driving around the streets of Orlando in her Chrysler Convertible with the top down, readers I meant the top of the car not my own, no indecent exposure violations here for me with her friends and even her Youth Group back in the day blaring one of two things on the car stereo either Carman if she was feeling in the Worship mood or her latest Boy Band (don't judge readers Boy Bands were and still are pretty darn awesome). Evy used to be the girl who it didn't matter who you were you were good with her and she was good to you. Evy had a smile to always share with anyone from her family and best friends to the stranger walking across the street (ok sometimes this backfired because the stranger would assume the smile meant she was interested in them and that was hardly ever the case... LOL). Evy back in the day would be found on a stage singing and worshipping and performing. Then Evy was lost. It was sad to lose her. She had to be the strong one, the responsible one, the one to put her foot down, or even the bad guy.

For the past several months almost a year I have been trying to find Evy. I almost hired a Private Investigator to locate her and put out an APB on her. Maybe place an ad to find her? She was so lost and so hidden. But with much prayer, much searching I have found her! She is back and while she no longer has her top down (seriously people stop giggling I'm talking about a car) she can be found blaring the music in her car with her new crew of her three children still singing and dancing to either worship and gospel music or her infamous Boy Bands (quit hatin' y'all) and while she has not stepped foot on a stage in quite sometime to worship she still sings her heart out to God every chance she gets wether in the car, in her room, while she is working in her office and of course the shower with the brush as her microphone (yea there she fully rocks out!)

"For everything created by God is good" 1 Timothy 4:4. God created me with a purpose. A purpose I had allowed to fall to the side. A purpose that when I had reached my lowest lows I did not want to achieve or accomplish. Through this blog I have received speaking engagements. Something that God made a purpose for me because of the battles I have faced in my life. These speaking arrangements have given me the ability to reach women who have struggled and are still struggling through hardships and pain like I was and have. I have been blessed to have teens that I have worked with and feel I can start mentoring again. I have met amazing new friends and have reconnected with older childhood ones. I am glad I found Evy. I'm glad she is back and I pray and I hope I never lose her again.

Readers thanks for meeting Evy and as always....

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane: Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea "I wear a fez and a bow tie now, fezzes and bow ties are cool!" Readers life sometimes throws h...

Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

"I wear a fez and a bow tie now, fezzes and bow ties are cool!"

Readers life sometimes throws hard times in our way. Life sometimes throws cruel and unusual punishment our way. It sometimes just downright sucks, its ok I can say suck and still be a good Christian Woman, I checked! LOL.

But sometimes life throws at you just plain mundane and normal life. If you are anything like me and you get these plain and mundane life situations ALL THE TIME you would beg even for the cruel and unusual punishment in life just for some excitement and some adventure to come your way. Lately life threw it all in my face. I had the hard times, the cruel times and the mundane and utterly boring times! It was tortorous!! I couldn't stand it. Every day the same routine. The same routine!! I felt like I was stuck in that Bill Murray movie "Groundhog Day" where every day was exactly like the one before!

Bill Murray practiced and learned living the same life everyday to get the love of his life, a sweet and noble gesture, but as Bill did before he saw the miracle that was to live everyday the exact same way I too would have lost my mind!

Being a mom my routine is usually the same:

Wake up
Breakfast
Work
Late Lunch usually
Work
School
Dinner
School
Bed

Every now and again I got thrown a little something different like going to my sisters house or something but for the most time I lived the same day over and over again. Then Saturday came. The picture of myself in the top of the blog is me on Saturday at MegaCon! OMG was that not the funnest day ever!!!!

So my kids and I went to MegaCon which for those of you that do not know it is a convention for practically everything fandom! Walking Dead, Animes, Comic Books, Sci-Fi, of course my favorite: Doctor Who! And we went with a large group. Lets see putting us all together we were 13 of us!!!!! Then I got to run into old friends from High School that I had not seen since I moved to Texas the first time, new friends that I have met through my fandom of Doctor Who and I even met my all time favorite actor that appeared on Doctor Who: John Barrowman and he was so nice and funny and can I say Va Va Va Voom!!!

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

This is us together! Aaahhhh!!!! I know, I know you all are jealous now, but please try to contain yourselves... LOL. So anyways where was I before I got distracted by the beauty that is Captain Jack Harkness? Oh yes so there were so many people there. People of all shapes, people of all sizes, ethnicities and fandoms and they all come together and geek out together! It was the absolute best way to spend a day. Getting out and watching all these cosplayers (if you do not know what cosplay is I will try to contain myself from the sheer horror of you not knowing and will explain cosplay is basically playing dress up but in a much cooler fashion). The cosplayers were incredible. My daughters included did an amazing job on the costumes and makeup and it was so much fun trying to spot the characters you know. If you like anything remotely geeky I recommend  you go to a Convention. The amount of fun and the merchandise is astronomical and it allows for moms whether you are single or married to just not be a mom for the time being and be a fun loving geek who fangirls over her favorite actor. Like I did with my precious John Barrowman!!! Aaahhh I love looking at that picture!!!!!!!!

So breaking the mundane and the normal is a good thing. So you are a Christian. Being a Christian doesn't mean you can not have fun. Jesus partook of his share of good times with his buddies. Hey after all the first miracle Jesus performed EVER was not giving the blind their sight, or giving the deaf their hearing, his first miracle was turning WATER INTO WINE! His first miracle was cause his mama told him to do it at a PARTY none the less. Jesus partied and guess what his first miracle involved him keeping a party going so don't be the kind of Christian with a sour look on your face, living your life all mundane and normal ALL THE TIME! Jesus came to earth to give you a life full of different things including FUN! So go out, have some good ole fashion fun with your kids, your spouse, your significant other, your best friend and live the life Jesus came to earth and died for to give you. Live a life that is full and as the Doctor said... "We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one".



Readers thank you for taking the journey with me. This one was fun!!!!!!

And as always....

Be Blessed in HIM!!!!!

Learning to Survive: Surviving the Mourning

Learning to Survive: Surviving the Mourning: Photo Courtesy of xcomment.com Today is difficult day readers. Fifteen years ago today I walked down the aisle...  I have been writing...

Surviving the Mourning

Photo Courtesy of xcomment.com

Today is difficult day readers. Fifteen years ago today I walked down the aisle...

 I have been writing this blog for a while now and every year on my anniversary I write about how I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend. I write about the love that I felt that day and the days that passed but this time, that is not the case. This time I am not going to write about how I hear birds singing every time I think of him, this time I am not going to write about how I see the sun shine brighter when I think of him. I'm not even going to write about how the flowers smell nicer, the colors are more vibrant, the air feels warm with love. Today is a hard day! When I married 15 years ago I was a young woman who was scared but anticipated all the wonders in life. I gave my life to someone who I thought would take it and walk hand in hand with me throughout this life. I thought I was beginning a great adventure where I would yes have trials and tribulations but would face this hard cruel world with the one person who vowed before God, my family and friends to love me TILL DEATH DO US PART. Readers death didn't part us, selfishness, greed, lust, and even arrogance parted us.

Today I am mourning. I am spending my day mourning because while I may not think or even feel that I want what I had back I still had some great memories, some dreams and hopes that now are just gone. I had one of my best friends last night tell me that I should celebrate, celebrate me and my new life today, and while I have lots to celebrate today is not the day to do so. Am I giving power to someone who threw away a life long commitment for something that while he feels would in the end make him happy he threw away the love of a woman who was willing to follow him to the ends of the earth just to be with him, his children who loved and adored him and relished spending the fun times with him? No! I am however remembering my past. Remembering what was and mourning what never will be to give myself the closure, the strength to keep going on. Will I ever fully take this day and not cry? Not mourn? Not feel the twinge in my heart that causes me such pain? I don't know.

People tell me it gets easier. And while they are right, I have had some wonderful times and done some amazing things I feel like at times I slide back. I slide and while I took step upon step to climb out of the pit of despair I was in when my marriage first broke apart, I slide and I feel like I fall to the bottom of that pit again. I fall and have to climb back up. I feel like some days my life will ONLY consist of me working to get out of the pit and I get tired. I am tired of the work, and I feel like I just want to say that I give up! I can't do this anymore!! And yet everyday I am back to the ladder climbing, reaching, praying and hoping one day not only will I be out of the pit but the pit itself will be closed and sealed and I never slide down again. I look at this picture attached to the blog and it is so right. I thank xcomment.com for verbalizing it so perfectly, "A Broken Heart is a sign that it wasn't meant to be." I wanted to grow old with someone, I wanted to cherish the good years with someone, I wanted to watch my kids grow up, graduate High School and College, find their dream job, fall in love, get married, give me grandchildren as beautiful as them with someone. I thought I knew who that someone was but life and God have different plans for me.

I'm not saying I know I will never find true love again or I guess true love for the first time because if the last one really was true love than it wouldn't have fallen apart but I just have to wait for my Knight in Shining Armor, My Prince Charming, heck my MAD MAN IN A BLUE BOX (My fellow Whovians would get that one) to come and sweep me away. But today, today I sit here and spend my quiet time crying, mourning, praying, longing, healing my heart.

“Do not let your heart be troubled. You have put your trust in God, put your trust in Me also.” John 14: 1. 

I have my trust in God and he will bring me to a better place. 

Readers thank you for the love, the support, the prayers and even the words of encouragement and as always...

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surving Falsehoods

Learning to Survive: Surving Falsehoods: Photo Courtesy of favim.com Readers its been a roller coaster of a ride. The holidays came and they were great since for the first time ...

Surving Falsehoods

Photo Courtesy of favim.com

Readers its been a roller coaster of a ride. The holidays came and they were great since for the first time in close to 5 years I got to spend the entire holiday season with my family. That was fun. But with the great times I had with family there was also the fact that while I had spent holidays away from my ex it was always that well he was in training or deployed not that he was spending them with the new family he was replacing us for.

Well while it was hard I still kept myself going strong. I insisted that the crying was over. I insisted on being strong and fearless and I insisted to prove to the world and myself that I was one strong, independent woman. Wow was that the biggest falsehood I told myself. You see while I am a woman that has overcome a lot, I have overcome cancer, I have overcome separation, I have dealt with heartbreak and I have dealt with stress beyond belief I still struggled with it all.

Last night was a hard night for me. I am the type of person who dreams and her dreams are vivid, are so realistic in the way they feel, and I remember my dreams always. I have had this same dream over and over again since I knew my marriage was over. Please readers if you are reading this do not assume that I am dreaming this because I long to be back with my ex because that is not how I feel and if that is wrong than I am truly sorry but my heart was broken too much to allow it to be broken the same way again, but I feel that I gave so much of myself, my time and my energy into someone that it is not easy to fully let go of everything, including the memories even if they were not the best memories either.

Well my dream includes all the memories of my past with him. All the memories of when he told me the things a woman NEVER wants to hear from the man she loves. Like when he would tell me about my weight. Weight that I gained becoming a mother, I have three beautiful children. I was pregnant four times, we lost one baby, I gained weight with each pregnancy. Its expected. Can women lose the baby weight ABSOLUTELY, but sometimes well a woman needs help. She needs a man to encourage her and not bring her down, she needs a man who will change everything for a chance to help his wife. I was diagnosed with diabetes in my last pregnancy. While my doctor said everyone around me should change their eating habits to help me it did not happen. It took him getting seriously ill and the whole family was forced to change their eating habits because of him. While I agree a woman needs to follow her man and allow him to be the leader of the household, my diabetes could have been worse and caused me my life but that was not the change he wanted and therefore not the change that occurred.

Another falsehood memory was how unattractive to him I was. OK readers I am not trying to toot my own horn here so please do not assume that. But I believe that EVERYONE has an attractive quality about them. I would tell him how attractive I thought he was. This sometimes (ok more than sometimes) led him to have a swollen head ego. One time we argued because according to him I was not taking care of myself to keep his interests. We had three small children at the time, I was a stay at home mom and not only to my three children but my sisters three children as well. He said but you think I am so attractive. I told him the reason he was so attractive to me in my eyes was because I was in love with him. You see sometimes you meet someone and you look at them and they are the most attractive person you have ever seen. They have the physical attributes you want in a mate. Gorgeous really but then you get to know them and their heart or brain even is not attractive in any way. Then this person no matter how gorgeous their outer appearance was they no longer look the same way to you. Then you meet someone and you might not have ever thought to give them a second look but you get to know them. They stimulate your mind, their heart is genuine and now you look at them and they look to be the most attractive person ever! Well my heart was completely into this man. All I could think about was growing old, driving the nurses crazy at our old folks home with our constant bickering over if chocolate pudding was better than vanilla (yea we had those discussions regularly) and in my dream I could hear him constantly telling me how I wasn't good enough by his standards.

Then came the fact that I wasn't the wife he required. Oh God this one was the kicker. Readers I am not by any way shape or form a clean freak. I have some in my family and I know that I am not one. My house was lived in. My house is chaotic to say the least. When I got sick though he was gone. It was left upon me and my children to care for the house. I hired help but it did not seem to be completely enough. When he came home from deployment yea the house was not spotless and when he asked us to leave, yes I was angry and yes I might have allowed or not cleaned up certain things. I had to pack my three kids and myself in 4 days and leave. I was still sick, I was still fighting with something in my body that was trying to take my life little by little. I did not leave the home clean but he left my heart broken. Guess I thought tit for tat here and well I did not care and left destruction and disaster just as my heart was left in destruction and disaster. No I did not break anything but I did not care to clean up after myself or the kids. Why should I?

Then the dream went further, now I saw him with her. Oh everything he told me and whispered in my ear that I was lacking he would tell me that she wasn't. She was the perfect woman in his eyes. She was supportive of all his crazy and wild dreams (we were too but his dreams usually required a sacrifice on our lives such as him leaving a job without another one lined up, him trading a car paid in full for his sports car he couldn't afford, him enlisting and we leaving everything behind), she is in his eyes the model of sexiness to go along with him, she is the woman who can maintain a house the way he wants. All these things may be true about her, but they are falsehoods to me. You see while I and my children supported his EVERY whim he was the type that could not be happy. Always seeking happiness in the next best thing. While I may have gained weight I did lose weight too. I may not right now be at my goal but I can get there and I know that I am attractive because there is attractiveness in a woman who can hold her head high, who can be independent and strong, a woman who has found her voice and her place in this world. And while I live in chaos usually my children are happy, there was always laughter to be found in my home and there will be again. So not everything will always have its place BUT I can honestly say in my home there will always be a place for laughter, joy, acceptance, peace, loud music, dancing, Doctor Who (can't forget that one), love and most importantly God.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 NIV

God I know you made me to be the woman I am. The mother that I am. To have the heart that I have and be the daughter, sister, friend that I am. I know I am not perfect. I know I have flaws and make mistakes. Lord help me though to understand that when I do make my mistakes there is always forgiveness in you and there is always a way to make things right through you. Heal my heart, my mind and my soul. Lord it has been a long while now that I have felt defeated yet I know you are by my side. There is no problem greater than you and I want to face my problems knowing that you are the one by my side guiding me, leading me, protecting me. I want my legacy one day to be that I was a woman who was strong because I was weak and you gave me the strength to stand once again. Lord help me to realize and remember the falsehoods thrown my way and remember that with you I can overcome any and all obstacles. Help me to remember that I may not be perfect but the end of my marriage was not because of me. It was the actions of others that led to the fall. Lord please carry me now when I have no strength to carry myself any longer. AMEN

Readers thank you and as always

Be Blessed in HIM