Surviving The After-Math

Hey readers. Wow its been a long time coming since I made a post. I do apologize but there have been some things in my life I had to learn to survive before I could get past it all. No my life is not all figured out. Some days I feel like my life is even more of a roller coaster than it ever was. I wish I could say that I have it all figured out but that would be the world's biggest lie.

So readers you know my struggles with cancer, my struggles with divorce, my struggles with single parenting and all the stuff that has come to play in the past 6-7 years. So where is Evy now in all of this?  Here I am:

Photo Credit: dreamstime.com

Oh that is cute if you think I am the one at the top, or even the second climber. I am that hand that you see all the way down at the bottom going: "Please dear God someone get me off this mountain!" First off readers I am scared, correction terrified of heights and while this mountain climbing isn't literal it is still a metaphorical fear of the heights I have to reach in my life. Like career success, financial success, parenting success and the scariest of all: PERSONAL SUCCESS! Sweet Jesus is that one the scariest and the hardest. I will be discussing that in another blog post (yes I promise to continue to blog more often) but today we are going to talk about the after math of all that cancer has left with me. 

So remember my dear old friend Mr. Cancer? You know the guy! The one who came into my life, turned everything completely upside down, has been well the most absolute volatile relationship in my life and even created a codependent relationship I never wanted but got. Yea that guy... I am proud to say we broke up after 3 tries of trying to make it work between us.  

Photo Credit: xltkwj.com

 It was finally time to say good bye and attempt and hope to never look back and go back to such a relationship. But like when my marriage ended I still had to pick up pieces of this broken relationship. There were still things that Mr. Cancer brought into my life that I apparently got full custody of even though I tried to make a clean break from all of it. You see sometimes the cure, the solution is worse than the disease. And when Mr. Cancer comes into your life he leaves you worse than he found you. I remember the days of thinking that losing my hair was the worst of my problems, or that fearing treatment was hard. How about the days of pain after my surgery? Or even the lack of being able to eat because chemo left me nauseous? Or the days when my skin literally burned, itched and even felt uncomfortable after Radiation? Oh those days aren't as bad as now. You see something happens when you've undergone the immense amount of chemo and radiation that I have gone through. It is the After-Math and this my friends is worse.

I have never been through an earthquake. I am so grateful for that because I truly fear those as well but I have heard sometimes with an earthquake the aftershocks are worse. And this is where I am now. Let me reference one of my favorite stories of all time. So in the Wizard of Oz (love the story so much) I always wanted to be Dorothy! I mean who doesn't? Going off on adventures, meeting new friends, and getting a fabulous new pair of shoes! I mean hello?!?! Who doesn't want all that? But instead this is me:

Photo Credit: flickr.com

 I am the Wicked Witch, Cancer is that darn house that landed on top of me and Dorothy? Oh wait till you hear who Dorothy is.... FIBROMYALGIA! She took my ruby slippers and ran off with them! I mean can you believe the audacity? Not only am I not the cute pig tail wearing, basket carrying, dog loving, adventure seeker that is Dorothy but I am the gosh darn witch who gets a house landed on her and loses her favorite pair of stilettos within the first 15 minutes of the whole movie! Like seriously? This is the prize I get for dumping the Wizard (cancer)? Ugh! 

Fibromyalgia is no joke! Pains everywhere, fevers running, lack of strength, lack of energy, lack of ability to do what you took advantage of your whole life like walking more than 10 feet without excruciating pain! Oh and don't get me started on the actual depression you feel because you are now in a state of 24/7/365 pain all the time. Cancer didn't depress me but fibro is! It takes its toll. 

I have been distant from a lot of people lately. It is not me not loving them anymore, me not wanting to talk, be with, hang out with, see them. It is because the pains don't allow me enough rest. The pains are overwhelming and the depression all consuming! One of my meds for Fibromyalgia is an anti-depressant. Oh this was hard for me to accept that I needed but I do. I need to stabilize me. Most don't know about my depression. I don't publicly share it. But I felt the need to now. I need to allow others to see the real me, the me that doesn't feel like she has it together. The me that doesn't believe she is good enough. The me that is sad, is overwhelmed with such sadness over the loss of the me that I had discovered and learned to love. The me that can't seem to love herself anymore. I will be better. I know it. But for now this is my harsh reality. I am lost in the pain. I am lost in the depression and I am going to have to learn to Survive this too.

Thanks for reading.

Surviving CLM

The past three months have been eye opening for me. They have been revealing for me and most importantly they have been empowering for me. I have been since August taking a retreat one weekend a month about creating a life that matters. Some might think well you have a life that matters, you have your kids, your family, your friends but I wanted to create a life that matters not only for God but for me to rediscover myself.

So let me begin here with the first session of CLM Rediscovering a Relationship with the Sacred. In this weekend I learned so much of who God is! Not only the God we read about in the Bible and do not get me wrong that is an amazing God but it is not always seen as a personal God. I rediscovered a relationship with my God. The God that not only spoke the world into existence but spoke me into existence as well. A God that cares about me, my needs, my wants, my desires, my fears, my faults, my passions and even my creativity. The God I had learned about in Sunday School growing up did amazing things in the time of the  Bible but I had not seen those miracles in the here and now. Or so I thought! The God I learned about in college undergoing my ministry degree was a God who is loving but also wrathful. I had experienced God's miracles in my life and through healings but I can be honest and say that while I claimed him as my God I never truly understood what that meant until that faithful weekend in August. I went in to the sanctuary not knowing what to expect. I see we have assigned seating and I am in a group with three other men. Men who stole my heart with their stories and stories that I will never forget. I spent that weekend moving my seat and getting to know the people that I attended church with a little bit better and they getting to know me a bit better as well. But I really got to know MY God! The God I spoke about earlier. The God who is mother, father, mentor, friend to me! The God who cares about me as much as he cared about the world he created. The God who cherishes a relationship with me.

The second weekend in September was rediscovering a relationship with the self. Your-self. The one the scared wants to have a relationship with. I struggled here. I am not going to lie. Getting in touch with your inner self and reflecting on who you really are is not easy but I have to say it was worth it. I learned about my inner strength that was something I could not see in myself and these amazing people helped me discovered it. So I realize I have not told you who these people are and well I am not disclosing any names for sake of privacy but I will describe them, my new amazing friends and family of choice to you.
1. Is my new friend who is so intelligent, both book smart and cultural smart.
2. Is my new friend who is so beautiful in whatever skin he chooses to show.
3. Is my new friend who inspires me through his faith and wisdom in God.
4. Is my new friend who shows the most hospitality to all he meets.
5. Is my new friend who brings about such harmony and peace to everyone around her.
6. Is my new friend who has a heart of gold and takes care of family and animals with a selfless love.
7. Is my new friend who is a rock star explorer and who I want to be when I finally grow up.
8. Is my new friend who has taught me researching and reading can make you learn so much new interesting things.
9. Is my new friend who teaches me love, complete unconditional love and support through a listening ear.
10. Is my new friend who teaches me beauty can bring about healing always.
11. Is my new friend who teaches me that to love others and love yourself is what makes this journey worthwhile.
12. Is my new friend who teaches me that a passion to work for God is such a beautiful passion to have.
13. Is my new friend who teaches me that even through the trials and heartbreak God can bring peace.
14. Is my new friend who teaches me we are all colors in this beautiful rainbow world and magic is everywhere.
15. Is my new friend who teaches me that a love for pictures can preserve a lifetime of memories and who teaches the class with knowledge and wisdom.
16. Is my new friend who teaches me that even the Pastor can learn alongside with us while inspiring us to be the best we can be in our passion, our selves and with the sacred.


The third weekend just ended today. Oh my Lord was it beautiful but difficult all at the same time. We discovered our relationship with our passion. In this weekend we delved deep into our lives. We remembered the good, the bad and the ugly and readers there is a whole lot of the uglies in my life but I had to be authentic with myself and delve into it to see who I am meant to be. In this weekend I brought up past hurts, abuse, illnesses and loss but I also remembered the beauty of my children, rediscovering my first true love in singing, remembering when I first fell in love with Christ and even when I found my true authentic self, believe it or not it is not when everyone thinks it is.... PLOT TWIST!!! But while lots of tears were shed and past hurts were surfaced I learned through it all that what I would consider as rough times or valleys in my past God never let me down. You see my life through it all has been like a roller coaster with ups and downs. God has been the pull bar. He has been there all along. Sometimes I clutched onto God/the pull bar for dear life while other times I went through life with my hands up in the air screaming wooooo!!!!!! But God was always there holding onto me and never letting me go.

CLM has been empowering for me, transformative, inspiring and has created in me a life that matters. This was my favorite picture of the whole event because its true if you want to see a woman truly smile offer her Chocolate:

Learning to Survive: Learning to Survive from Breaking, Blessing and Gi...

Being broken isn't easy see how to overcome it....



Learning to Survive: Learning to Survive from Breaking, Blessing and Gi...: Sometimes we wonder why God puts us where He does readers. Sometimes we wonder why we go through the trials and the tribulations we do. Some...

Learning to Survive from Breaking, Blessing and Giving.

Sometimes we wonder why God puts us where He does readers. Sometimes we wonder why we go through the trials and the tribulations we do. Sometimes we wonder why me? I grew up hearing God only puts His strongest through the fire. I use to think wow that is so not fair God! I mean your reward for being strong is God making you have to continue to use your strength time and time again. Applying all that pressure until you break? How fair is that God? But then I had to grow up. Something that is not fun to do and well quite difficult to do as well. Growing up and facing one battle after another people would tell me that same phrase: God only gives His greatest warriors the hardest time. I remember crying and saying God please don't think that I am strong because I know me and I know I am weak. I would beg to be weak enough so that I did not have to face the issues that I faced. 

Pray that my marriage would work out even though we married each other barely knowing each other because we were going to be parents. Praying that God would give me the strength to overcome when my second pregnancy did not take and one day I awoke bleeding knowing that baby was no longer inside of me. Praying that each time he lost a job we can make ends meet. Praying that I could find a way to better myself in order to better my family. Praying that he would be safe when he left to war. Praying the cancer wouldn't take my life. Praying that I was not being a burden to my family, friends and most importantly my children who had to care for me at that time. Praying that he came back differently because of something he saw in war and not because the sight of me was something he couldn't stand. Praying that we made it back to Orlando safe after 72 hours on the long road home. Praying to find a job and be able to support my children. Praying to be able to heal a broken, correction no shattered heart. Praying my children's hearts be healed as well. Praying that I could be enough for them because physically, spiritually and even emotionally at that time I was all they had. Praying to be able to love again. Praying to be able to finally see myself how apparently God saw me because He believed I was strong and so therefore I had to be right? Wrong! I did not have to be strong I had to be willing and that is all!

At church we are talking about the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan: 

By Francis Chan

This is an amazing book but let me tell you something it makes you really evaluate yourself. In this book Francis Chan talks how It's crazy, if you think about it. The God of the universe – the creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor – loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. This God who can do all of that loves us with such a crazy love and that His crazy love for us changes us. 

So our Pastor in our church tells us the story about when Jesus is on the road and appears to two men, this story is found in the 24th chapter of Luke, and they recognize Jesus after the breaking of the bread. Our Pastor during our lesson asks us how we think about it that it took them to be blessed by the breaking and the giving of the bread. And so I got to thinking. I mean my life has been far from perfect. I have dealt with more ups and downs than a roller coaster at Disney World. Did it happen like that for me?

So I am thinking. The bread that is me. I had to be broken. Jesus had to come and allow me to break in order to put me together again. Not like Humpty Dumpty readers when we break we have a God who has all the power to put us back together again. Before my life took a turn for the worse I was working hard at being the model Christian. The one that was at the church every Wednesday Night and Sunday Morning. I was at church actually 7 days a week since I worked there and technically it felt like I had no days off. Man I think I should have just paid rent at the church I was there more than my own home. While I was serving God I wasn't doing it right. I was self centered and self absorbed in my own world of my own holiness. But you see that is when God allows His people to go through the fire and the trials. I needed a wake up call. So long story short (I've shared my story with you all already) I was broken. In that breaking is when I re-discovered Christ again. Like those two men who had walked along with Jesus but did not recognize Him that was me. But when the breaking of the bread happened they did recognize and when my breaking happened is when I recognized and found Him again. Because of the breaking I received my blessing. A better relationship with Christ which led to a better relationships in my life with family and friends. I have told that through this blog that started because of a breaking point in my life (my cancer) I have been reached by different women's groups to speak to them on issues and so then I am able to give because of the breaking, the blessing and the giving.

So do I still believe the old saying that God only gives His strongest tests to His strongest warriors? Absolutely not. I believe none of us are truly strong alone. I believe our strength to combat it all only comes from God. He is our strength but we do not have it on our own. So when trials come to break you cling closer to God because after the breaking comes the blessing and then the giving! 

Thanks readers for reading and as always....

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive the New Chapter in my Life

What a week, last week was. The emotions, the raw painful and almost crippling emotions I felt over all that was happening last week. Truth be told I was not sure I was going to survive it all. I thought the sheer amount of pain I was in in my heart was surely going to be the end of me. I thought I was going to break under the extreme amount of pressure I was placed in. 

So last week was my divorce week. A week that for 2 years I have waited for, anticipated, longed for. Readers it's one thing when you are in the frame of mind that you love the other person, that you want to make things work, that you long for reconciliation but I was not there. Once upon a time I was but no longer. Looking back I remember that time like it was yesterday. I remember the endless tears I cried! I remembered the countless prayers I yelled out to God to fix me so my marriage would be fixed. I remember the heartache and broken feeling but you know what readers looking back now God had set me on the path He wanted and needed me at. I could go on and on about how woe is me and he left me and he found another woman and so on and so forth. I could be the scorned woman who holds resentment in her heart, her mind, her life. I could be the bitter divorcee who bashes on her ex for ruining the best years of my life but what good is that going to do me? And how true would that even be? The best years of my life were not with him! Don't get me wrong I had good times and wonderful times with him. I have three of the most amazing kids to ever walk the surface of this earth because of him but the best years? No. The best years have been now. And the best years are still to come. 

Readers I have found a new me. She is a woman who has overcome and came out on top. I have found a strength through having to depend on God. I have found a new joy in my life through the process of discovering myself as the woman God created me to be all along. I found love in places I never thought of before and in people I never thought before. I have found acceptance and community and roots in life. I was meant for this life, this joy, this love, this strength, this overcoming all along and God finally brought me back to the place He always intended me to be in. 

I strayed many years ago without really knowing. I became of myself who I thought God wanted me to be without really knowing that I took a wrong turn in life. I was destined to be here and honestly I could have gotten here faster had I not taken the wheel and gone the very long scenic route to get to where I am now. But you wanna know something? Without detouring and taking the scenic route I would not have come across the obstacles that have made me the woman I am today. 

So I am about to say something I never thought I would say. I want to thank my ex husband for helping to make me the strong, resilient and overcoming woman I am today. I do not mean this sarcastically or even satirical because had he not forced me and jump start me on the path that I am today I would not be where I am. 

Pain and resentment of the past need to stay in the past. I am a new creature the Bible says. All the old has been washed away. I went through the fire and I went through the pressure but now I am coming out a diamond in the rough. Still need some polishing but I am what God has called me to be. I am strong, courageous, overcoming, resilient and most importantly I am His and on the path He has set me on. 

I am working hard to finish my race and I know that God is with me every step of the way. While trials come and they always do He will be the one to lift me up when others try to bring me down and the one to hold me when I'm at my weakest point. 

Thanks readers for all your prayers. They truly have been my saving grace. And as always...

Be Blessed in HIM 

Learning to Survive: Just Surviving

Learning to Survive: Just Surviving:  Readers on the one hand I am happy. I am finally in a place in my life that I have found happiness. I am happy, my...

Just Surviving

Photo Courtesy of Evy

Readers on the one hand I am happy. I am finally in a place in my life that I have found happiness. I am happy, my children are happy and we might not be living the high life but we have great people in our lives. Yet on the other hand I am sad. I am sad because truth be told I feel my life is in a stand still right now, waiting on this divorce that seems to be taking an eternity to be done with, waiting on my life to fully start and no matter how much of the good stuff comes around there is still some things that make me wonder why.

But then I am one that would rather allow the bad things to happen to me and me alone. I can handle them while I hate that sometimes I see those that I love struggling and wish with every fiber in my being that I could take their pain away. I want to go around and just remove all the bad from everyone and just have a world where all my loved ones, my family, my friends all can be happy. We look happy in that picture don't we? That is one of my favorite pictures. It does not have all my loved ones displayed but none-the-less the ones displayed do each hold a special place in my heart. I love each and everyone of them dearly. Each representing something different in my life.

At the bottom of the picture is my daughter. She represents my children who yes hold the second highest place in my heart. God holding the highest place of all. My children have survived so much in this last 2 years of our lives. These last two years have seen them lots and lots of growing up they have had to do. They have dealt with cancer, chemo, radiation, surgeries (my hysterectomy, my daughter's knee surgery), physical therapy, deployment, moving, separation, leaving behind all they knew, losing the life they had built, losing a parent (while he is not passed away their was a mourning period since they no longer got to be with him, talk with him as they once did). My kids have been through the fire and came out polished and new. They are stronger than ever before because they faced all of that and survived. I get questioned on my parenting. I am a non-traditional parent but my love for them is my driving force. I get upset when I am questioned because their entire lives I have placed their needs above my own and have instructed them in the path of God. I may not be your conventional Christian but make sure to never doubt my faith. While my children went through all this these past two years so did I. The one thing that brought us four through was our faith, our prayers, our hope in God to see us through the trial and we did. Do I go about quoting scripture, shouting out Halleluyahs, laying hands on people? No but trust me when I say I pray. I pray for those I love, I pray for those I like, I even pray for those I do not like (I pray for my ex and his new family each and every day that they find peace, happiness and forgiveness) and while I do not publicly announce it I do it in my quiet times, in my me time, in the wee hours of the night when I can not seem to find peace of my own.

On the right hand side of me is my niece. My only biological niece and soon you will understand why I say biological. She is 19 years old. She is ready to take this world by storm. She represents my youth. At her age I wanted to be something special. I wanted to be someone who made a difference. At that age I had no idea how. My niece is in college now just like me. I am seeking my degree later in life and while I am thrilled to be able to do so I wish I would have had the foresight at her age to finish school before I became a bonafide adult. Its hard to persue your dreams when you have to hold down a household as well. She is starting her life. I remember that time almost like a dream you wake up from. I remember never having a care in the world. I really did but looking back at my problems then it is nothing compared to now. She is what I wish I could be sometimes.... Free!! I love my children and they are my world. I love my parents who I live with and am 100% grateful for it all. But free is not a luxury anymore. If I want a girls night out I have to jump through hoops better than a circus lion to get it. I look at her and see the possibility of future right at your fingertips. Then I see the struggles of life even at that age. I look at the struggles of my life and they are so grand to me but I am sure my mother looks at my struggles and thinks thats not so bad and so I try to put her life situations into perspective and think going to college is rough. You are really in the in between of life where you aren't technically a kid anymore yet you really don't know how to fully be an adult. Not really.

Right above my niece is my other niece. Now this beautiful young woman is my niece but not blood related. You see she is my niece's best friend and is living my sister and her family. Now while she is not blood related she is still my niece. I love her as if I had known her my entire life. She represents to me new beginnings. New family members I have through the friendships made in the family. New friendships and new beginnings. I see my niece who is silly and energized, who while she hates to admit it has a heart of gold, who came from a situation where life may not have been good but has made a better situation of her life. She is my new beginnings. She is my new love. She is my second chance at life and happiness.

In the far upper left corner is one of my beautiful best friends. She represents all my friendships. New and old. Friends have your back no matter what. Friends are there for you through it all. They are your biggest cheerleader and the one there laughing alongside you. They are the ones who put aside themselves to lift you up when you are down. I have some amazing friends. I have some friends who are going through the fires of life right now and they are struggling. That breaks my heart. Its harder because it seems like the devil is attacking them all at once. Its been hard to keep up with everyone lately and I hate that I can't. I have obligations in my life but friendship is important to me. My friends are important to me. I've had to leave my friends at different stages of my life. First time was when I got married. I had to concentrate on being a wife and a mom. But the friendships survived through it all. When my ex lost his job and we had to move over 1300 miles away to a town in South Texas I left again. Friendships still lasted. When my husband enlisted friendships still lasted. When we got our duty station, Fort Bliss, friendships lasted and new friendships began, when I had to leave everything and come back home, friendships lasted (some ended but I never considered then those to be true friendships to begin with). But now it seems like everyone is being pulled in all different directions. My heart is breaking over this. Friends are the family you chose, is how I think, and my family feels like it is falling apart. My prayers are concentrated more here now. My family. I want us all together whether it is physically or spiritually. Some of us are pulling closer to each other while others of us are pulling apart. But it should never be like this.

To my left is my nephew. He represents my inner child. My inner self. I always, always had a strong bond with him. Not only is he the youngest of his family like I am the youngest in mine. But our personalities, our hearts are the same. He hurts like I hurt, he laughs like I laugh (not exactly cause I have a distinctive laugh but we laugh at the same kind of things), he wears his heart on his sleeve like I used to. I see him and see everything that I loved to be. I see him and see everything I want to be again. I want to be carefree, happy, peaceful. I see him and see the things that breaks his heart and its the same things that break my own. I see him and see that while life at times is not easy you know what it is fun if you make it be. I want to blast the music and break out into dance like he does, be the ham I once was and put on the shows. I want to be free to express all the joys, all the happiness, all the love in my life.

Lately in life I am just surviving. And while surviving is good it is not enough! I want to thrive. I want to make the most of my life, my family, my friendships, my everything. I want to know that I made the most out of every day so I chose to smile a little wider, laugh a little louder, love a little harder and live a lot better! "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

Readers live a life filled with Lord and never settle for just surviving.

And as Always....

Be Blessed in HIM!